Category Archives: Uncategorized

March 31, 2011 · 5:01 am

Are you a delay discounter?


Delay discounting is a term coined by those researching various types of impulsivity: risky behaviors, ADHD, gambling, obesity, etc. In appears that people may be inclined to one form of delay discounting over another. And monetary delay discounting is predictive of a number of serious problems (e.g., obesity, willingness to share needles with other drug users, sexual acting out).

One researcher defined delay discounting as a,

preference for smaller, immediate rewards over larger, delayed rewards.

It can also be used to explain why I say yes to things long in the future without adequately counting the cost. I jump at the impulse to do something fun or interesting without adequately evaluating just how much work is involved. What is interesting is that many of us “delay discounters” fail to learn from our experiences. I’d like to think I can learn from mistakes and sometimes we do…for a short-time. But memory for the pain of saying yes fades and then I’m back saying yes without fully counting the cost.

How about you? Are you a delay discounter? What entices you to discount the cost?

Feel free to respond but I won’t be able to get back to you…I’m off to an academic presentation in Indianapolis that I agreed to 9 months ago, something I signed up for without thinking fully about the timing in the semester.

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March 23, 2011 · 2:42 pm

Trafficking and abuse Conference: Theology of Justice and violence to women


Over the next few posts I plan to highlight some good points from the trafficking and abuse conference. For those who didn’t make it, you can order the DVDs for only $9.95 total! Here is the form and here is the website where they are described. The website also advertises our next event in this lecture series (Dec 1-3, 2011).

Bethany Hoang of IJM opened the conference on Thursday night by reminding us that justice is at the heart of worship. It is not merely a social matter. Proverbs 14:31 pairs justice with worship and honor of God:

He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.

And Jesus tells us in Matt 23:23b that the “weightier matters” of the Christian life have to do with justice and mercy:

But you have neglected the more important matters of the law–justice, mercy, and faithfulness

(Later in the conference, Diane Langberg reminded us that complacency is complicity with those who are committing these crimes.)

Bethany went on to describe the historical rift between social action and conservative views of Scripture. The fundamentalism/liberalism debate of the early 20th century caused many to equate justice ministries with liberalism and is only now becoming more prominent in evangelical circles. Justice, said Bethany, must be grounded in Christ or else we will burn out.

So, we look to Christ. Where does he call us to join him? In dying to self. Bethany quoted Karl Barth here: Jesus calls us to live in the neighborhood of Golgotha, the neighborhood of death. Let us remember that our tangible efforts toward justice are to point to Christ and ought to reveal the character of God.

Diane Langberg spoke to the audience about violence to women. There are some very consistent facts:

  • 1:3 women experience sexual violence in their lifetime (1:6 men); 1:5 women experience rape
  • 5 million women suffer domestic violence every year in the US. It is the number one cause of injury in women 15-44.

The definition of genocide (from Rwanda) actually fits the data on how women are treated. When you consider gender-based violence (from abortion to murder, to rape, etc. ), more women have been killed in the last fifty years than people died in all of the battles of the 20th century put together. Approximately 100 million women are missing from the planet (per the Economist). In addition, the crime of genocide can be levied on those who are complicit, who do not act to stop this violence. Thus, are we complicit in the church for failing to adequately protect our girls and women. When we fail to identify and name evil for what it is, we are accomplices to a crime.

One of the most powerful parts of her talk was her review of how Jesus exhibited counter-cultural care for women. For example he,

  • had a woman traveling with him
  • allowed a woman of ill-repute to touch him
  • engaged in conversation with the woman at the well, another woman of sketchy background
  • completed his first miracle to bless the marriage of a woman
  • Did not condemn the woman caught in adultery
  • Had compassion on a gentile woman wanting some “crumbs” of healing
  • Provided for his mother with his final breaths
  • Had a woman be the first reporter of his resurrection

We fight in church about the role of women in ministry and about headship/submission. Maybe it is time to start addressing the matter of the dignity of all women and how men honor their head, Jesus Christ, when they act in ways that acknowledge this inherent dignity.

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March 21, 2011 · 9:43 am

Debunking myths about marital sex


[NOTE: This week I plan to highlight some of last week’s sex trafficking and sexual abuse conference hosted by the Seminary. We had great numbers for the event but some readers aren’t local so I want everyone to get a bit out of the conference.]

Yesterday I was at Church of the Savior in order to speak on the topic of sex to their pre-marital class. One of the goals I have is to debunk a number of myths pre-marrieds might have about sex. So, here are some of the myths (in no particular order):

Marital Sex is best when couples achieve simultaneous orgasms

Few couples actually ever achieve this (less than 25%) and those who do report that it takes much effort. Good marital sex is about giving and receiving mutual pleasure. It is not a competition but an opportunity to love and serve each other

Couples should expect intercourse to last a long time

Contrary to media depictions, intercourse isn’t likely to last for long period of time. First, most males are likely to ejaculate within 3 minutes of vigorous thrusting. Sorry for the graphic nature of this but facts are facts. Believe it or not, someone has done the research having couples count thrusts. Average? 30. Second, vaginal tissues aren’t designed to withstand that amount of friction that would happen in a lengthy intercourse. It is essential for couples to realize that sex is much more than intercourse and orgasm. It starts with the relationship OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Trust and commitment lead to a capacity to be vulnerable with each other. It includes acts of service. If you count emotional intimacy and verbal foreplay, then sex does last forever.

Healthy couples have similar sexual desires

Actually, in every couple there will be one with higher sexual desire and one with lower desire. This is NOT a problem. Also, the one with the lower desire will control the sexual relationship (that person decides which requests for sex to say yes to and which to say no to) and this too is NOT a problem nor unfair. Couples do not get off track with differing levels of desire. They get off track when either one personalizes the disparity. For example, if the one who desires more sex assumes that a “no” to their request is personal and an attack then there is going to be a problem. If the one who desires less feels coerced or guilty for not wanting to have sex, then there is going to be a problem.

Marital sex will be boring if you are not always trying out new techniques

Sex can be exactly the same each time and yet not boring. What makes sex boring is the attitude and the attention span. If you are not “present” during sex, then it won’t be that exciting. If you are present and prepared to enjoy your experience, you likely will enjoy it. While trying new things in the bedroom can be good, those who believe they must try new things all the time may reveal that they are never satisfied and are on a quest for something beyond mutual pleasure. The lure of “new” and the quest for an over-the-moon experience may reveal addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.

Boring isn’t the biggest problem in the bedroom. Trust and vulnerability levels predict sexual pleasure far more than “new” and “exciting” ideas. So, levels of conflict, criticism, unwillingness to be influenced by one’s spouse, rigidity, unwillingness to listen to the fears/dreams of each other, and the tyranny of the urgent are more likely to kill intimacy in the bedroom than would boredom.

Good sex needs to be spontaneous

Actually, good sex is more likely to be planned. True, it can be spontaneous. But unlike the various erectile dysfunction ads, most people find that planning is more likely to get them in the mood than stopping in the middle of some house work and running upstairs to the bedroom.

Past sexual abuse or prior sexual behaviors will always hinder good marital sex

It is true that abuse and shame regarding past sexual experiences (wanted or unwanted) have an impact on one’s identity. These experiences have a way of changing us and do not usually disappear. However, a couple who has worked hard to build a trusting, safe relationship can find ways to express their sexuality that honors each other. Good communication will help non-abused spouses to understand how to help their loved one avoid triggers and to respond well when a trigger happens. Couples that demand sex to fit into stereotypes and limited forms may struggle more than those who are willing to be creative and broad in their definition of sexual expressions of love.

Want to kill your marital sexual relationship? Start comparing!

Comparing what you have to what you expected or what you think others have tends to make you jealous, fearful, hurt, disappointed, etc. Stop comparing and start noticing what God has given you and enjoy that.

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March 16, 2011 · 5:50 am

Why we forget life is precious


Life is precious. One day things are good, then the world crashes in. A person in your circle is here one day, gone in a tragic event the next. One day you live on a seaside community, the next your community doesn’t exist because a tsunami wiped it away.

At these moments we know that whatever good we experience in this life is a bit more fleeting. And so we hug friends and family a bit tighter for a few days.

But then we tend to go back to existing. Existing is that form of living that does not consider blessings, opportunities, etc. Rather, it is a form of living that reacts to the moment without awareness of the greater meaning of life. When we live a reactive life we become enslaved to the next thing, the “need” or desire in front of us.

We forget because we lose perspective. It is hard to keep perspective in mind while caring for the mundane things of life. The way to keep perspective is to put ourselves regularly in spaces that will encourage wider thinking. Here are some ideas (no particular order):

1. Caring for others less fortunate. Seeing someone else’s needs usually stimulates our being grateful for what we have.

2. Reading from another’s perspective. The best way to do this, as a Christian, is to be in the Word. The next best way to do this is to be connected to others who Love God but come from another culture.

3. Have a couple of questions that you practice asking yourself about family members. What is God up to in his/her life? How is this person showing signs of growth? It is easy to come up with any set of questions but harder to remember to ask them.

4. Prayer for the world. Gets us out of our own wants.

5. Ask others: What has happened to you today that is worth remembering? Too often we only remember what isn’t working. Meditating on worthier subjects reminds us that everything in the world is not broken all the time.

6. Remember your history. The Bible is full of reminders of what God is up to in the world. The prophets wanted Israel to remember who they were (God’s chosen) by recalling their history.

 

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March 14, 2011 · 5:45 am

Trauma week


This week might well be named trauma week–both due to the topic and amount of work. My schedule looks like this

Monday: Tonight’s Psychopathology class covers trauma and dissociation.

Tuesday: Spending the morning with Diane Langberg, Baraka Paulette (a Rwandan Counselor), and Carol King planning our October trip to Rwanda, the DRC and possibly a couple other countries. We will be, Lord willing, teaching and training Rwandans. The meeting is to focus on what exactly we will teach lay, pastoral, and professional individuals in regard to trauma training. Our goal is to train trainers to do the work.

Wednesday: From 9a to 9p I will be co-chairing an advisory committee (with Diane) giving the American Bible Society some feedback on their trauma healing materials and methods. The ABS has initiated She’s My Sister, a plan to address rampant rape in the Great Lakes region of Africa.

Thursday: In the AM we will be reporting to the ABS and their partners (Saddleback, World Relief, IJM, and others) on our work from the day before. In the PM we will be launching Biblical Seminary’s conference on sex trafficking and sexual abuse in the christian community. [NOTE: the conference is FREE but almost filled up. Just a few seats left. IF you want to go, you need to sign up now as it will be capped!]

Friday: Conference continues! Speakers include Diane Langberg, Bethany Hoang, Pearl Kim, and Robert Morrison.

Saturday: Conference continues til lunch. I get to chair a panel discussion to close it out

Sunday: To top off the week, I will teach a class at a local church on the topic of sex. The audience is a premarital class. The trauma here won’t be mine. Usually there is some poor embarrassed soul in the front row  🙂

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March 10, 2011 · 10:22 pm

Peanut butter invention?


Peanut butter is a semi-solid and can therefor...

Image via Wikipedia

Okay, this doesn’t fit into the usual category of posts on this site but…How do you get natural peanut butter to mix well?

I love the taste of natural peanut butter but when you open the jar for the first time, the oil is sitting on the top. So, you stick a knife or spoon in and start stirring. Usually, I’m not careful enough and some of the oil spills out. Or, I give up after a bit and just start eating. But, not stirring it well enough means that when I get to the bottom, the peanut butter will be dry and hard.

So, how do get it to mix well? Think Home Depot would let me bring my jar to their paint shaking machines (used to mix paint really well)? I wonder if that would do the trick.

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March 7, 2011 · 5:24 am

Blogging your REAL feelings?


Blogs are great forums for folks to share their true thoughts and feelings…but also easy opportunities to make enemies! Not too long ago, a local high school teacher got herself in trouble when she revealed her true feelings about some of her students. While she didn’t name names, she did levy some pretty serious put downs about kids in her school and as a result is no longer in the classroom.

Not too long ago, someone read my blog and took offense at something they thought I was saying. While I wasn’t saying what they thought I was saying, the truth is I left the door wide open by not being all that clear–leaving something unsaid when discussing a controversial topic can get you into trouble as well as what you do say.

For those of you who blog your feelings and opinions (isn’t that what blogs are for?)  and/or comments on other people’s blogs…do you have any criteria by which you evaluate what you are willing to write?

Here are a couple of mine that I try to keep (though I admit I haven’t always done so):

1. Don’t write to instigate conflict just because you can. We academic types sometimes like to stir of “intellectual” controversy for the fun of it. This doesn’t meet the standard of saying only that which is constructive (Eph 4:29f) for others. Constructive doesn’t mean noncontroversial. But, I need to ask whether what I want to talk about is wholesome and for the benefit of those who listen. If not, I shouldn’t open my mouth.

2. Avoid gossip. This should be obvious. But, I also think it isn’t necessary to jump on public figures who screw up unless there is something I think we can all learn. For example, do we need to discuss the latest actor who is destroying his or her life with drugs? What benefit do we get by musing about the lurid details of the person’s life?

3. Re-read what you write from the perspective of those who might disagree with you. Did you accurately portray the opinions of others? For example, portraying Republicans as not caring a bit about the poor or Democrats as only interested in taxing you to death isn’t accurate.

4. Just because you think or feel it doesn’t make it worthy of sharing. One sign of narcissism is the willingness to share any and every thought or feeling. And yes, I realize I am incriminating myself since I write a blog.

Others?

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February 28, 2011 · 5:42 am

Abuse of Adderall?


For those with significant ADHD symptoms (distractability, impulsivity, difficulty completing tasks, difficulty organizing, etc.) stimulant medication is a necessary part of life.

But stimulants help everyone focus, whether they need it or not. Check out this article about the abuse of Adderall at the U. of Wisconsin. Click here.

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February 25, 2011 · 11:09 am

Strengths profile


I’m advising one of our DMin students on his dissertation. He is researching how the use of Gallup’s Strengthfinders assessments and some training materials from World Harvest Mission might help build better functioning ministry teams.

This is my first time getting to see how the Strengthfinders works. So, Drew, the student, gave me the assessment. This tool returns the top five strengths themes (out of 34) based on my answers to the questions on the test. Here is my Gallup profile (in order of strength) with a few descriptive sentences:

Relator

Relator describes your attitude toward your relationships. In simple terms, the Relator theme pulls you toward people you already know. You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people—in fact, you may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends—but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends. You are comfortable with intimacy. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you want them to understand yours. For you a relationship has value only if it is genuine.

Individualization

Your Individualization theme leads you to be intrigued by the unique qualities of each person. You are impatient with generalizations or “types” because you don’t want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. Instead, you focus on the differences between individuals. You instinctively observe each person’s style, each person’s motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. You hear the one-of-a-kind stories in each person’s life. Because you are such a keen observer of other people’s strengths, you can draw out the best in each person. This Individualization theme also helps you build productive teams. While some search around for the perfect team “structure” or “process,” you know instinctively that the secret to great teams is casting by individual strengths so that everyone can do a lot of what they do well.

Strategic

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

Intellection

You like to think. You like mental activity. You like exercising the “muscles” of your brain, stretching them in multiple directions. This need for mental activity may be focused; for example, you may be trying to solve a problem or develop an idea or understand another person’s feelings. The exact focus will depend on your other strengths. On the other hand, this mental activity may very well lack focus. The theme of Intellection does not dictate what you are thinking about; it simply describes that you like to think. You are the kind of person who enjoys your time alone because it is your time for musing and reflection. You are introspective. In a sense you are your own best companion, as you pose yourself questions and try out answers on yourself to see how they sound. This introspection may lead you to a slight sense of discontent as you compare what you are actually doing with all the thoughts and ideas that your mind conceives. Or this introspection may tend toward more pragmatic matters such as the events of the day or a conversation that you plan to have later. Wherever it leads you, this mental hum is one of the constants of your life.

Learner

You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more than the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. The thrill of the first few facts, the early efforts to recite or practice what you have learned, the growing confidence of a skill mastered—this is the process that entices you. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences—yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about the new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one. This Learner theme does not necessarily mean that you seek to become the subject matter expert, or that you are striving for the respect that accompanies a professional or academic credential. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the “getting there.”

Pretty good description I think…I like to relate to a small group of people. I like getting deep with a few. I enjoy the work of seeing the individual differences of friends, staff, clients, etc. I’m pretty good at getting a plan of action going right away. I’m not so good at carrying it out because I love to think and learn and so new information is always available and since I like to think about a wide diversity of things, it can be hard to stay focused on any one thing for too long. 

What I like about this particular tool is that it looks at a variety of strengths rather than personality traits.

Anybody have experience with this tool?

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February 14, 2011 · 5:59 am

Resources about narcissism?


Cover of "The Drama of the Gifted Child"

Cover of The Drama of the Gifted Child

A few weeks ago I was asked about resources on the topic of narcissism, things a person struggling with some of the features might read to better understand their inner world. I didn’t have any really great “lay” materials on the topic so I’m going to poll the audience. A perfect entry for Valentine’s Day when we celebrate those people who make us feel special!

Narcissism is an ugly word if it is used about you, as in, “you’re so narcissistic!” This usually means someone sees us as being self-centered.

The truth is…most of us have a touch of it at times. We desire affirmation, we fantasize about being recognized for our achievements, we want to be special (or at least seen that way), we have times of feeling entitled and may even manipulate the feelings of others to get what we want. Our focus on self may limit our empathy towards others. We may be haughty. All of have some of these features some of the time. Some of us have these features most of the time.

Having these feelings doesn’t mean we are personality disordered. But, our willingness to acknowledge and work on being more other centered MAY reveal whether we meet diagnostic criteria. Meaning, if you can admit to the problem and improve your capacity for empathy then you probably aren’t meeting criteria for a personality disorder.

What causes narcissism?

The simple Christian answer is sinful self-focus. But since ALL of us are sinners and flawed…can we be more specific why some people seem to struggle more with the problem, why some have an enduring bent  or a fixed pattern of relating to the world? One theory suggests that narcissistic features arise out of a lack of mirroring which results in a deep fear that we aren’t special…or worse, are worthless. There is likely some truth to this. However, it seems that some narcissism is encouraged in a me-first culture.

Resources?

So, what resources do you know that get at some of these experiences, desires, feelings of narcissism that could help a person be more aware of their impact on others.

Here’s a few reads I know about:

1. Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller. A classic psychodynamic read about our emotions. She does a nice job illustrating the fears/cravings of narcissism and borderline features and how we all have a touch of these. Not necessarily helpful in what to do about the experience but good to delve into the experiences of depression, grandiosity, denial, and self-contempt and what these do for us.

2. Re-inventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young. In particular, look at chapter 16. In fact, if you follow the link, you can search “entitlement” in the “search inside” box on the left and once you get results, scroll down to the one on p. 314. You can read a bit of the chapter to see how the authors do a good job describing the common symptoms of narcissism.

3. Anatomy of Secret Sins, by Obadiah Sedgwick. Well, not exactly about narcissism but definitely about uncovering our true self-centeredness. Sedgwick lived between 1600 and 1658! Excellent read on the problem of self-deception.

If you try to search for books on this topic, you will discover (not surprisingly) most are written to those who either have to live with the person or are trying to get free of them. Few are written to the person with the problem.

Any resources you might add to the list?

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