Do you have intrusive and unwanted thoughts that you take as evidence you are guilty of terrible sins? You might be suffering from scrupulosity. Listen to my 2 minute podcast describing this problem and giving a short experiment to try the next time you face these unwanted thoughts.
When accusing thoughts are not what they seem. Scrupulosity: Recovering faith from toxic theology ep 3
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Did you forgive? Recovering faith from toxic theology, ep 2
Forgiveness is often misunderstood and misrepresented as a recipe to stop hurting after a betrayal. In this 2 minute podcast, I define forgiveness and bitterness since so often when we want to talk about our pain someone asks us if we are embittered and if we have forgiven the one who wounded us.
Thanks to those who gave me ideas about lengthening the podcast. I’m considering that but will trial out a few more of these shorter episodes first.
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Filed under "phil monroe", Forgiveness, mental health, Psychology
Essential Crisis Care training tomorrow
For those who want to explore trauma sensitive care principles and practices for crisis care, I will be co-hosting a 2 hour training tomorrow, April 2, 2024. I know this is last minute but I’m filling in for someone who had a death in their family.
The session meets 9-11a EDT and costs $25. This will be a small sized webinar that allows for you to engage and ask questions of us. Link here to register. It will NOT be recorded so you will want to be able to attend at the time it is offered.
Training is designed for anyone who has interest in responding to individuals in crisis.
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Recovering faith from toxic theology, ep 1
I’m trying out a little podcast. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to listen to hour long podcasts very often. Sometimes, I just want one thought to mull over for awhile.
So, I’ve created a two minute podcast and my first episodes will be about toxic theology that may interfere with living well with hard and confusing things in our lives. Episode 1 is about anxiety.
I’d love to hear from you as to whether this format works for you. Feel free to give advice or identify episodes you would like to hear.
https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-ufsrp-15bdd0c
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Crisis care training opportunity
For those of you who have been following my work over the years, you know that I have travelled quite a bit recently providing trainings with Crisis Care International in places to support local leaders learning best crisis care practices (AKA psychological first aid). In the last year, we provided in person trainings in Ukraine, Hungary, Turkey, and Morocco as well as here in the United States.
Crisis care is not just for mental health providers but any humanitarian can learn the essentials to provide support and encouragement for those in the middle of a crisis. If you are interested in learning a bit more of the essentials, my colleague Stacey Sutherland will be offering a 2 hour overview online on January 18, 2024. Here’s the link to see more about what the training is all about: https://crisiscareinternational.networkforgood.com/events/66056-essential-crisis-care-basics
This is the abstract for the training:
Join us for a comprehensive online event that equips responders with the essential crisis care basics they need to know. Whether you’re a seasoned professional or just starting out, this event is designed to provide you with the knowledge and skills necessary to effectively respond to people in crisis. From understanding the basics of trauma to the fundamentals of trauma assessment and psychological first aid our experts will cover it. Don’t miss this opportunity to learn in an engaging and participatory format. Thank you for joining us! Please spread the word. Your participation and giving help us make training available to everyone.
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Am I doing this Trauma Healing Thing Right? Part 5, Finding a therapy and a therapist
So, now that we have identified some barriers to recovery (myths and red flag moves by helpers) and noted essential items you need for this journey—like compassion and curiosity, let’s conclude this series by exploring how to choose a therapist and a model.
It can feel impossible to find a quality therapist and downright overwhelming to choose a particular model of trauma care. If you have started to look you probably began first to explore credentials and general styles of therapy (models).
Do you choose Christian or biblical or secular? How much does licensing and credentials matter?
Which model? CBT, TF-CBT, DBT, PE, EMDR, Tapping, CPT, Brain spotting, NET, PFA, Debriefing, and somatic psychotherapy? Neurofeedback? IFS?
Medications? Ketamine? Transcranial magnetic stimulation?
Or maybe skip the therapy altogether and focus on yoga, mindfulness, meditation, art, or acupressure?
Feeling overwhelmed yet?
If you have been looking for very long, you probably heard someone sing the praises of one of these types of therapists or models over others and noted it to be a miraculous cure for them. And just as likely you have heard, “that didn’t work for me.”
Cutting through the fog
Several of the models listed have some scientific support. And some others have a lot of hype and anecdotes but little in the way of actual substantiated research. Randomized control trials, the gold standard of research, attempt to look past correlational data to determine if a positive result can be attributed to the intervention used. Sometimes we learn that a particular model is effective even while we do not fully understand why or what part of the model is having a positive impact. But, it should be noted that many RCTs tend to be small in sample size and somewhat limited in generalizability. In other words, it worked for the research group but until it is replicated many times with different populations, we won’t yet know if it works for most or for you or me.
One more frustrating part is that disciples of a model may suggest to you that an intervention they use is more successful than the researchers who developed and studied said model. We have this annoying habit of overestimating the value of the thing we have learned to do.
Pick your person first
So, don’t start with which model you should choose from. Yes, models and ideologies matter and influence the work done in session. But there is something more important to consider. It is…drum roll…the character and person of the counselor. Trust and connection in therapy has more to do with success than the model being used. We have already identified the characteristics of a good therapist in the last post:
- Goes at your pace.
- Is curious about what you need.
- Wants to learn what helps you more than tell you what you should do.
- Is aware of and adjusts when you are overwhelmed.
- Invites your pushback and doesn’t get defensive.
- Listens more than talks.
- Checks in to make sure you are talking about the things that matter to you the most.
- Does not criticize your faith journey.
If you have such a person now, ask yourself if you are holding back. Don’t judge yourself if you are, but ask what it might mean. It may mean there is something you are not ready to talk about. Good for you to know what you need. It may mean there is some bit of safety that still needs to be built in the session. It may mean something is off in the therapy. See if you can find a way to discuss this dynamic without talking about the thing you are holding back. How your therapist navigates this bit of information will tell you much about the safety and trust in the relationship.
But I don’t have this person yet, how do I find them?
I recommend you start by asking people who you trust, who they have heard does good work. Get firsthand reports whenever possible. You want to ask,
“Who would you go to or send your family member to if you knew they needed a good therapist? What makes them a good therapist?”
Once you locate someone who seems to fit the bill—experience…known to be a good listener…has credentials and training—you will still need to find out if this person is going to be right for YOU.
Once you get an appointment, interview them in that first session and keep in mind these questions as you progress in your therapy.
- What models/authors do you most likely follow?
- What are early signs that therapy is working? Signs that maybe something else is needed?
- What do therapy sessions look like? Hopefully, their answers include some form of:
- Grounding/calming. Before/during/after triggers in session and practiced at home. It should be tailored to your needs and flexible.
- Small exposure to trauma via your story—not rushed in the therapy process—with more grounding sandwiched around the exposure. This should be well-planned and short, and not a whole session focused on traumatic stories and triggers. The goal is not reliving trauma but remembering, lamenting, and then shifting weight to the present.
- Narrative or meaning focus (who am I? who is God? Was it my fault?). Exploring and grounding in new narratives This often comes later in therapy work.
- Grief work. Most therapies will have some exploration of grief and lament. Naming what was lost and what has been suffered is necessary for good healing.
- Finding and celebrating strengths and resilience. An important part of recovery is seeing where and how you have grown and developed new capacities.
But, what model should I be looking for?
I won’t be able to tell you what works for you. But use the following questions to determine what works for you now. It might be that you need one supportive therapy now and a different one later.
- Are you struggling with being on high alert all the time? Do you want to find something that helps you calm your body? Consider something that helps you practice calming and stabilizing your body. Somatic psychotherapies that follow work by Janina Fisher may be most appropriate for you.Â
- Are you a writer? Consider more narrative focused treatment like NET or CPT.
- Do you find yourself stuck in patterns of bad relationships and self-harming behaviors? Consider a DBT oriented group or therapist.
- Do you find yourself in a frozen state (vs flight/fight/fawn)? Consider something that is less exposure oriented. You may find that certain exposure-oriented interventions (CBT/EMDR/PE) are unhelpful in early phases. Similarly, if you have many traumas versus one, consider something that goes much more slowly and helps you stay connected to parts of yourself. You may find that someone who follows the work of Diane Langberg or Judith Herman is a better fit for you. Also, the work of IFS can help you make some safe room for exiled/shamed parts.
Concluding thought
The work of trauma recovery is slow, repetitive work. You learn something, then need to learn it again. You feel some growth, and then feel yourself slipping, especially when you hit anniversaries and reminders. Give yourself permission to keep trying old and new things.
The journey of recovery (whether in therapy or just waking up to another day) is an ongoing reminder that something has died. Maybe for you it is a relationship or trust or a body that didn’t bear the invisible wounds. You will grieve these things. Try to grieve without confusing grief with shame and guilt. You may have to relearn that grief does not mean shame.
Remember also that your journey will show you that you are still alive. You survived. Slow your breathing and feel your aliveness. Feel your aliveness—even the pain—telling you that you are here, and you reflect courage and beauty. Take note of the small things growing in and around you. These are the bits of beautiful creation that tell us you reflect God’s glory. You may not feel the beauty but consider that it is still true.
For further reading about the healing journey, consider reading “Wounded, I am More Awake.” You can read my thoughts on this book beginning here.
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Filed under counseling, mental health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, trauma
Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 4, Key characteristics of good trauma care
Now that we have identified some of the myths we might have about the healing journey and further highlighted problem behaviors by helpers, let’s consider characteristics of trauma recovery. This is our preparation for our next and final post of this series where we will consider how to choose a model or therapist that works best for you.
In the part one in this series, I gave some good therapy landmarks, or, to use a different image, necessary ingredients for a recovery recipe: take care of your body, find stability, and begin (again) telling the story of you. But diving deeper, let’s explore those ingredients further.
Deepen compassion and curiosity.
Do you find it hard to experience compassion about what is happening in your body and curiosity about what can help it feel even just a little bit better? Many of us do. When we live on high alert, our bodies do not function the way we would like. We may be prone to self-criticism due to family or religious messaging. Unfortunately, this tends to shut down our capacity to remain curious about what helps us feel better and find stability again.
Imagine that you were recently diagnosed with migraines. You hate them, they disable you for a time and they come on out of the blue. Would you be prone to beat yourself up for having them? Compassion means not beating yourself up during or after an episode. Curiosity means staying focused on what helps shorten headaches; what foods, activities, medications, and supplements help you have fewer and shorter episodes.
It will be an exhausting endeavor for you to care for your body after trauma since many voices out there offer you false promises. But starting with yourself, be a learner and have the mindset of experimentation. Try things. See if they work a little or not at all. Keep trying things because these are signs you are regaining your ability to know what you need.
One last word on the necessity of compassion. It is not sinful or selfish to feel compassion towards you the way you would feel for a friend. If you struggle with this feeling this way towards yourself, consider why. Is there yet another barrier belief getting in the way? A voice telling you that you are undeserving?
Develop community.
Recovery from trauma requires a network (even small) of people who know you, see you, and who are committed to being there for you. Some may be more involved, some on the periphery. These are people who aren’t prone to preach, but rather to bear witness to the suffering and the small victories. You are looking for more of a witness and a cheerleader and less a coach. Together, find small spaces outside of trauma. For example, start a walking club, or an art night where you all draw together.
Evaluate your therapist.
In our next post we will talk about models of therapy and how to choose one that fits you. But, even more important than choosing a model is finding a therapist of good character whose primary skill is listening and bearing witness to you. I acknowledge upfront this can be a process of trial and error. Since many already have a therapist, consider these questions as to how well the person is working for you.
Does your therapy go at your pace? Or, do they demand that you run at their pace. If you ask to slow down in a session or ask to not venture into some topic, take note of how they respond. It will tell you much about that person. We talked about red flags responses by therapists in the last post. But any response that includes pouting, pressure, withdrawal of support, or criticism is a sign you should not miss. Instead, they should exhibit curiosity and interest about what you need. Â
How does your therapist respond when you hesitate or even doubt the value of some of their recommendations? Resistance is normal in therapy. Frankly, it is necessary and not a sign of rebellion (something that many in faith communities fear being labeled). No, resistance or pushback is a sign you are using your power again after it was stolen from you by your traumatic experience.
When you finish sessions, ask yourself: Did we talk about the things that were most important to me? Did I feel listened to?
Limit your exposure to other’s trauma.
There is a fine line to finding community support and being overwhelmed by the pains of others. If you are spending a great deal of time invested in the world of other people’s trauma, it may feel good in the moment to realize you are not alone However, it also will keep your body in a state of heightened alert. Certain news and social media platforms are designed to keep telling you how doomed the world is. Be wary of taking in so much pain that you are unable to care for yourself.
Develop a list of opposites of trauma.
Trauma forces us to experience chaos, voicelessness, destruction, isolation, and ugliness. Recovering from trauma means finding and imbibing the opposite experiences. Begin making a list of those opposites. You can do this by creating a T chart. On one side of the chart you list words the represent the experiences you had during or the result of trauma. On the other side, list things that would be the opposite experience. Did you experience chaos? What might help you experience order? Did you experience destruction? What might help you experience creativity? Did you experience loss of voice? Can you write? Did you experience ugliness? What might be beauty around you? Keep the list with you so you can add to it and try to use it when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Now what?
Now that we have identified the ingredients for good trauma care, we are ready to explore how to find a good therapist to walk this journey. We will explore some different models of trauma care and give you some tools to help you make the right decision for you. In the meantime, see if you can expand your practice of the characteristics of trauma care we just reviewed. Ask a close and safe friend to sit with you and review each of the items above. Which ones have you made progress? What might be the next steps or ideas to try to implement? Have an experimental mind. Try things and remember that it is okay to find out something doesn’t work for you.
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Filed under counseling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, ptsd, trauma
Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 3, 6 red flags that you might need a new helper
In in our series about the challenges of undertaking this journey toward healing after trauma, we began by looking at key landmarks along the way that every pilgrim needs to keep in sight (Part 1). These include taking care of our bodies and becoming curious about what helps us find stability. In Part 2 we looked at some myths and beliefs about healing that can hinder our recovery. In Part 3 I want us to consider some things that “helpers” (AKA, therapists, pastoral counselors, counselors, friends, mentors, etc.) do that hinder recovery. If you spot any of these red flags, it might mean you need to have a heart-to-heart with your helper or, if need be, look for someone new to travel with you on your journey.
Before we dive into the underbelly of bad therapy, I want to remind readers that I really believe in therapy. Good therapy helps us understand ourselves, helps us explore parts we have been too ashamed to look at, and helps us gain perspectives and skills to use in our most important relationships. And bad therapy can take away what shred of hope we have for change. It is this reason why I have spent my career educating and training clergy and mental health professionals on 4 continents. Good therapy and help is possible and most of us helpers want to do what is good and right for you. So, let’s highlight here six red flags, behaviors that DO NOT help, so that both survivors and helpers can avoid them.
Making everything spiritual
Not everyone pursues a faith-based therapist or helper. But many do, and for good reason. Faith, religion and spirituality are core features of most of the world’s population. So, it makes sense that we seek helpers who also share our values. In addition, trauma almost always creates spiritual struggles and at least temporary discontent with previously accepted beliefs. Voicing those complaints and questions to and about God are essential to the journey of recovery and will determine whether faith helps us cope or becomes added strain.
However, when your helper uses every opportunity to infer a spiritual meaning and application while you wrestle with your pain, this might be a red flag. Pain is pain, confusion is confusion. It is okay to sit with it, voice it repeatedly, and not make some eternal or mystical application. When a counselor is quick to make a reference to spiritual meaning in your story, it means they are likely not really sitting with you in the ashes of your pain. They might not be as wrongheaded as the story of Job’s friends who jumped to accusations of sin, but pressuring you to accept a spiritual answer to the deeply painful why trauma or what now questions often invalidates your pain and misses opportunities for needed lament. Some call this spiritual by-passing.
The premature offering of spiritual answers, no matter how accurate, often add to the pain of the one who is suffering.
Rejecting your faith or the changes in your faith.
While forcing spiritual conversations is problematic, so also is it when our helpers challenge our faith, changes in our faith, or even question why we have a particular faith or religious practice. You might think this problem is only found among pastoral or biblical counselors. However, I have witnessed many licensed mental health professionals also evidence this red flag. Consider some of the lines I have had clients repeat back to me from their former helpers:
- You can’t believe that about God. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.
- If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter and miss out on blessings.
- If you aren’t in church, you are rejecting God’s goodness.
- Yes your abuse is bad, but God says…
- Your faith community is toxic. You need to leave this patriarchal religion.
If changes and discontent in our former ways of construing faith is so problematic, then why are there so many psalms of lament in the Bible? These poems express our deep questions and complaints. In Psalm 42 the writer laments how he no longer leads the worship procession and is now full of questions for God. Does God respond and tell him to stop this line of thinking and feeling? No. Instead, if you accept that the Psalms are given to us by God, then such expressions are invited by God as an act of communion.
Emphasizing techniques while missing the relationship.
There are many therapy models out there in use. Some are general models (e.g., Judith Herman’s three phase model of trauma recovery) and others are more regimented or manualized (e.g., Trauma-Focused CBT). In recent years, there has been a proliferation of EMDR certified specialists. And still many more employ various techniques from many models in an eclectic manner.
When your helper is overly enamored with a particular technique, it can become a problem as they may not be able to recognize when that beloved technique does not help you. When your therapist wants to jump into “doing stuff to you” then it is likely they aren’t really seeing or hearing you. And just because a particular technique has empirical evidence for success, it doesn’t mean it is right for you. Sadly, when a disciple of a model oversells a technique, the real reason may be that it promotes their own sense of competence as a clinician.
When a therapist suggests a course of action or an intervention, do they take time to explain what positive or negative response might happen? Do they find out how you feel about it? Do they check in with you and notice if you are anxious, concerned, or not having a good reaction? If you are flooded during a session (e.g., frozen, overwhelmed, etc.) and your therapist doesn’t seem to notice, show curiosity, or take the time to help you find ground again, you might need to find help elsewhere. If in response to your stress, they fill up the space with more words of explanation or defense, they might not be as trauma sensitive as they need to be.
Pressure to progress, mislabeling your hesitation as refusal.
Therapists love to help people. That is why we do this work. We want to see people get better and we have confidence that healing can and will happen. But sometimes, our motivation to help people also include the hidden desire to feel helpful. This desire can become a demand that the client feels in their bones. “I have to progress and get better or they will become disappointed in me or see me as resistant.”
If you have felt this pressure, take a moment and consider possible roots. Sometimes this fear of being resistant is something the survivor has come to believe about themselves (or, were told by their abusers!). But other times it is a message from their helper. Signs of demands, disgust, irritation, frustration, coercive speech, pouting all point to the possibility that the therapist is communicating to you that you need to get better FOR THEM.
We will explore how to determine if a therapist is right for you in the next post but suffice it to say here, your resistance to an intervention is something to listen to with curiosity. It is the beginning of regaining your voice and power. Instead ask, “What might your hesitation be saying?” Listen to it and don’t immediately judge it. If your therapist does label it as refusal, consider other helpers.
Therapist talking about self a lot.
Who does most of the talking in your session? You or your therapist? When your therapist talks, is it for the purpose of inviting you to explore your own reflections? Or, when they speak, do they share paragraphs and essays about their work or themselves? How much do they talk about their own experiences? Self-disclosure by the therapist is not always wrong. It can be helpful in tiny doses. But when it happens frequently it often distracts from the work that needs to be done by their client.
Therapy is not the place for therapists to talk about themselves (or to sell their own products). Ask yourself, “do I get to talk about the things that are most important to me during my sessions?”
Boundary crossings.
Trauma experiences, especially betrayal traumas, often contain boundary violations and maltreatment by someone who was supposed to protect and respect another. When helpers confuse or cross needed boundaries, this can delay healing or cause more harm. What kinds of boundary crossings do I mean? I have witnessed therapists trying to be all things for a client. They are not just the therapist but also become friend, “parent figure,” employer, pastor, landlord, and sadly, sexual partner. This last boundary crossing—sexual and romantic relationships—is always an abuse of power and a violation of the sacred trust of therapy. It is also a criminal act in most jurisdictions and always an ethical breach.
Most crossings are not meant for harm. A client can’t afford therapy so a clinician barters—provides therapy and in re-payment the client performs some work. A client has administrative skills and so the clinician invites the client to help run his or her business. Another client is isolated and so a therapist invites them to their own bible study group. On the surface these might seem mutual and helpful. But what if the client doesn’t respond well to the therapy? What if the therapist is unhappy with the work completed? What if learning about the personal life of the therapist creates confusion about what is discussed at the next session?
When therapists encourage dual relationships without ample discussion of the possible ramifications, they prioritize their own benefit at the expense of the client’s wellbeing.
I see a red flag, what should I do?
No therapist is perfect, and we all make therapeutic mistakes. It is the response to mistakes that makes all the difference between good and harmful therapies. The question you must ask yourself,
“is it safe to bring up concerns and questions about what happens in therapy?”
Can you talk about the process and raise concerns without your therapist becoming defensive? Most therapists want to provide good care and do not want to do things that harm their clients. So, it stands to reason that many will respond with concern and work with you repair the rupture and find out what works best for you going forward. If, however, you have reason to believe that you will be mis-treated for bringing up a concern, then consider whether it is time to find another therapist.
What comes next?
In our final post of this series, we will explore how to interview for a good therapist and how to determine what model of therapy might be best for you.
For further reading, why do counselors talk about themselves?
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Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 2, Myths about healing that hinder recovery
In my previous post, I explored how chronic trauma responses lead many of us to think we are doing something wrong and are the reason why we are not getting better fast enough. We named some foundational principles for recovery, landmarks by which to navigate the journey of healing.
- Take care of your body.
- Look for stability in a triggering world.
- Begin (again and again) to tell the story of you.
These three steps are seemingly simple and yet they take every fiber of our being and the help from friends to keep fighting for healing day after day.
Unfortunately, there are some beliefs about healing—myths—that can hinder our recovery journey. As you read my shortlist of 4 misguided views about suffering and healing, consider what beliefs and ideas you have had about healing (or heard from others) that might create an extra barrier in your own journey.
Myth: Complete healing is possible and likely
There is a myth that healing from trauma means that I will no longer be bothered by things that used to trigger me. Healing means, in this belief, that memories will not be painful or show up at surprising times. If I continue to have triggers, these reactions are signs of failure to heal, to trust, to have faith in God.
Sadly, I see many who have found considerable healing after trauma to believe this because they have surprising triggers that knock them off their feet from time to time.
Consider this analogy, Your body has changed as much as if you were hit by a car. If you had been an elite athlete prior to the accident, you might need to accept you could no longer be an athlete as a result. It would not be a sign that you had failed to heal but that in healing, life is now different. When we believe that something is wrong with us since we bear scars (e.g., trauma triggers, bodies that are on higher alert, limitations to what we can now do) we add to our pain by accusing ourselves of not healing.
It doesn’t help when we see others who seem to have found more healing. Stories of “heroes” like Corrie Ten Boom or Malala Yousafzai seem to tell us that some people are truly healed. And since we know we are not, there must be something wrong with us. Truth? While post-traumatic growth is a real thing, there is ample evidence that these heroes still suffer with their invisible wounds. Growth does not eliminate injury. Â Â
Myth: Healing should mean no longer in grief
Grief and growth will co-mingle, and one does not eliminate the other. Loss is loss. When we experience trauma, we also suffer loss. And loss means grief. These losses include safety, predictability, identity, voice, as well as other more physical and spiritual losses. We may lose family members, community, and capacities we once had (recall the elite athlete image above).
We don’t imagine that if you lost a close loved one that you should no longer feel something when reminders of their loss are present. Grief shows up like waves at the ocean. They may be big and knock us down. They may be small and less obvious to us. No matter the size, they are always present. And something will likely trigger a larger wave when we least expect it.
Myth: My faith should be able to be what it was
The story of you has changed as a result of trauma. It impacts every part of your story, including your faith and spiritual experiences. By every definition, you are now different because your story includes something that is difficult, if not impossible, to integrate into the way life was or is supposed to be.
Consider the Psalmist in the Bible. Psalm 42 and 43 tell us this fact in poetic form. The writer struggles to make sense of the loss of his capacity to lead the worship procession. He remembers how led the way to worship but now all he feels is isolation and the sting of those who mock him. He cannot find his way back to who he was and his efforts to press himself to trust God seem not to work. In the end, he is left with big questions for God.
If your trauma happened within your faith community, you may not be able to return or to worship in the same way. Even if you do return to your faith community, joy will likely be tinged with grief. Because you, like the psalmist, are trying to integrate a new disconcerting reality into your story. This new struggle is not a sign of failure to heal. It is a sign that things are now different. And remember, this struggle does not mean you do not have faith or trust God. The act of lament is just as faithful and worshipful as singing praise songs with a crowd. (To read more about lament, try this short essay.)
Myth: Suffering is God’s way of strengthening me
A common myth in Christian circles is that God has some master plan that includes suffering and without it, God could not prepare you for greatness or strengthen you. I see this myth at play when people minimize their suffering and try to whitewash it with phrases like, “but it is all for the glory of God.” Yes, God does get glory when his people seek him and honor him. And, suffering may indeed strengthen new parts of your being, in time. You may thank God for his presence in suffering and for his various ways of showing up in hard times. You may find hidden treasures in dark places (Is 45:3) and discover new strengths you did not know you had.
However, God’s heart for hurting people tells us that suffering is NOT his master plan. When suffering entered the world, God’s master plan was to pursue lost people (Gen 3:9, 21) and to care for them.
Suffering is suffering. Evil is evil. It is never good even if you find something good along the way to recovery. And no such positive outcome dismiss the suffering you have gone through. Our pain and our healing is not some balance sheet looking for a positive tally.
What are some of your beliefs that add to the pain and shame you are now experiencing? What can you release or begin to doubt? If you have a close friend who will listen and ask good questions, consider talking to them about some views on healing that might be holding you back.
A final thought about healing
Healing happens little-by-little. Of course we want it to happen now. You are not alone to long for more healing and less pain. There are things that can help and we will cover that in a future post in this series. I want to leave you with a garden analogy. In front of my office, there has been a lovely Japanese Maple tree. The leaves have been exquisite every fall. But this year, a big portion of it died and so had to be cut down. The spot there is now bare. I feel it’s absence every day. the building looks exposed now. Some small shrubs have been planted in the spot and lovely as they are, they cannot replace what was lost. And yet, when I stand there, I can see small growth and beauty of a different kind. The story of the building is certainly different. I see the stump and the growth that is happening.
You are a garden that had many beautiful things in it. Something happened to the garden of you and now the losses overwhelm any sense of goodness. You must now reconsider what the garden will be like going forward. Give yourself time to grieve what is no more and take time to notice what life is possible in you.
What’s next?
In part 3, we will explore another barrier we face on this journey of healing: the harmful actions of “helpers” and guides. We will look at some red flags you might see in your counselors, therapists, and spiritual guides.
Read more about healing on this site using the search bar. Try this video. Reconsider the language of healing. Would “integration” be a better way to describe recovery after trauma?
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Filed under Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychology, trauma, Uncategorized
Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 1, an overview
I spoke last week at #Restore2023 hosted by the julieroys.com. This was their third such conference and the second I have attended. I decided to present on this question in the title because so many ask me about their healing journey with the assumption that they must be doing it wrong. Why? Because they are continuing to struggle with triggers and can’t seem to “move on.” This very question often adds to their pain because of the assumptions of failure.
Trauma is a deep wound of the heart and it hurts every part of our being–our hearts, minds, and bodies. It disconnects us from ourselves, our friends/family/community, and from our faith. We are often are left with two enduring questions: Why did this happen and how can I get out of this hell? Sadly, we end up believing that WE are likely the cause of why we are traumatized and that WE are likely the reason why we aren’t better yet. Trauma triggers and responses are impossible on their own. But the overwhelming sense that we are the reason we aren’t getting better only amplifies the pain. And when our “helpers” add to our own self-criticism by saying or inferring we aren’t doing it right, we feel even more sure that we are alone and forever trapped in a death spiral.
In this little series I want to explore some features of this necessary but unwanted journey of healing. We’ll start by orienting with a small “map.” In later posts we will explore some barriers to recovery and red flags to take note of regarding your helpers or counselors. We will end the series by considering what model of therapy and therapist might be best for you.
The journey you never imagined you would have to take
When you begin a journey these days, one of the first things you want to have is your turn-by-turn directions on your smart phone. But this journey is going to be a bit more old-school since google maps has yet to give us the quickest route. Before cell phones, we had to have a paper map and/or some scribbled directions to remind us key landmarks that would help us find our way to our destination. True old school would be orienting by sun and stars and this may be the best image to keep as you navigate your own path of healing.
So, what are some landmarks (aka, basic reminders) that help us stay on the right path? Consider these three:
Take care of your body.
Our whole beings have been damaged—it is not just in our mind! So, we need to take care of our bodies. Part of caring for bodies means understanding them and having non-judgmental curiosity about how your body works. For example, your body is designed to protect you. You sweat when you overheat. and shiver when cold. Your body defends against viruses and germs. The trauma response you experience in your body is an attempt to protect you. So, do your best not to think ill of it. Recently, I suffered a back injury and spent a few days immobilized due to spasms. My back muscles, even my whole body, tried to keep from feeling those spasms. We call that guarding. I was able to get help and began some PT a few days later. The protective muscles had done their job but now needed reminders to go off duty as their protection was not needed anymore. The therapist gently reminded me to relax my glutes and calf muscles as we worked on my back.
For many of you, your body has been guarding from a long trauma in your life. No wonder it responds the way it does. Acknowledge its effort and give thanks for its amazing capacities. Use gentle reminders and compassionate care.
Look for stability in a triggering world.
Part of caring for our bodies it to develop a curiosity about what helps us find stability in a triggering world. If you are continually attacking yourself for having a fight/flight/freeze response it will be hard to develop curiosity about what helps you recover that sense of security and stability.
What helps you experience just a little more ease after a trigger? Maybe for you it is movement. For another, it may be a specific breathing exercise or a focus on one of the senses. Or, maybe it is a distracting conversation with a friend. Figure out what helps even just ten percent and develop a list of things you can try when distressed. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t remember what to do but find ways to write it down so that it is easier to remember. Something might work once and not another time. Again, just take note of it without judging your capacity to calm yourself.
Begin to tell the story of you again.
A key feature of recovery is the practice of beginning to tell (and write new chapters) the story of you to yourself and others. Trauma has a way of stealing our voice and power. It has a way of distorting our story and giving us false names for what we have experienced. “If only I was stronger I could have resisted him…I must have asked for this abuse…”. The journey of healing is a journey of making some sense of the insensible and reframing who we are in the world. This takes time and needs lots of care. it ought not be rushed but done little-by-little. However, even when you go out with friends and do a small but brave thing, you are writing a new chapter in your story. Make sure you aren’t missing this important fact.
three simple steps, right? Not really. Exhausting? Absolutely.
In our next post we will get into greater detail about this journey towards healing. But, first, there are some barriers to the journey that can hinder our progress. These are things we and others believe and some things others do that get in the way of our making progress. Some of these myths really delay or disrupt. We’ll cover some of the myths about the healing journey in our next post.
For more reading on this site, search the word “trauma” or start with this post.
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Filed under Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, trauma, Uncategorized
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