Tag Archives: Abuse

October 25, 2023 · 6:00 am

Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 3, 6 red flags that you might need a new helper


In in our series about the challenges of undertaking this journey toward healing after trauma, we began by looking at key landmarks along the way that every pilgrim needs to keep in sight (Part 1). These include taking care of our bodies and becoming curious about what helps us find stability. In Part 2 we looked at some myths and beliefs about healing that can hinder our recovery. In Part 3 I want us to consider some things that “helpers” (AKA, therapists, pastoral counselors, counselors, friends, mentors, etc.) do that hinder recovery. If you spot any of these red flags, it might mean you need to have a heart-to-heart with your helper or, if need be, look for someone new to travel with you on your journey.

Before we dive into the underbelly of bad therapy, I want to remind readers that I really believe in therapy. Good therapy helps us understand ourselves, helps us explore parts we have been too ashamed to look at, and helps us gain perspectives and skills to use in our most important relationships. And bad therapy can take away what shred of hope we have for change. It is this reason why I have spent my career educating and training clergy and mental health professionals on 4 continents. Good therapy and help is possible and most of us helpers want to do what is good and right for you. So, let’s highlight here six red flags, behaviors that DO NOT help, so that both survivors and helpers can avoid them.

Making everything spiritual

Not everyone pursues a faith-based therapist or helper. But many do, and for good reason. Faith, religion and spirituality are core features of most of the world’s population. So, it makes sense that we seek helpers who also share our values. In addition, trauma almost always creates spiritual struggles and at least temporary discontent with previously accepted beliefs. Voicing those complaints and questions to and about God are essential to the journey of recovery and will determine whether faith helps us cope or becomes added strain.

However, when your helper uses every opportunity to infer a spiritual meaning and application while you wrestle with your pain, this might be a red flag. Pain is pain, confusion is confusion. It is okay to sit with it, voice it repeatedly, and not make some eternal or mystical application. When a counselor is quick to make a reference to spiritual meaning in your story, it means they are likely not really sitting with you in the ashes of your pain. They might not be as wrongheaded as the story of Job’s friends who jumped to accusations of sin, but pressuring you to accept a spiritual answer to the deeply painful why trauma or what now questions often invalidates your pain and misses opportunities for needed lament. Some call this spiritual by-passing.

The premature offering of spiritual answers, no matter how accurate, often add to the pain of the one who is suffering.

Rejecting your faith or the changes in your faith.

While forcing spiritual conversations is problematic, so also is it when our helpers challenge our faith, changes in our faith, or even question why we have a particular faith or religious practice. You might think this problem is only found among pastoral or biblical counselors. However, I have witnessed many licensed mental health professionals also evidence this red flag. Consider some of the lines I have had clients repeat back to me from their former helpers:

  • You can’t believe that about God. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.
  • If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter and miss out on blessings.
  • If you aren’t in church, you are rejecting God’s goodness.
  • Yes your abuse is bad, but God says…
  • Your faith community is toxic. You need to leave this patriarchal religion.

If changes and discontent in our former ways of construing faith is so problematic, then why are there so many psalms of lament in the Bible? These poems express our deep questions and complaints. In Psalm 42 the writer laments how he no longer leads the worship procession and is now full of questions for God. Does God respond and tell him to stop this line of thinking and feeling? No. Instead, if you accept that the Psalms are given to us by God, then such expressions are invited by God as an act of communion.

Emphasizing techniques while missing the relationship.

There are many therapy models out there in use. Some are general models (e.g., Judith Herman’s three phase model of trauma recovery) and others are more regimented or manualized (e.g., Trauma-Focused CBT). In recent years, there has been a proliferation of EMDR certified specialists. And still many more employ various techniques from many models in an eclectic manner.  

When your helper is overly enamored with a particular technique, it can become a problem as they may not be able to recognize when that beloved technique does not help you. When your therapist wants to jump into “doing stuff to you” then it is likely they aren’t really seeing or hearing you. And just because a particular technique has empirical evidence for success, it doesn’t mean it is right for you. Sadly, when a disciple of a model oversells a technique, the real reason may be that it promotes their own sense of competence as a clinician.

When a therapist suggests a course of action or an intervention, do they take time to explain what positive or negative response might happen? Do they find out how you feel about it? Do they check in with you and notice if you are anxious, concerned, or not having a good reaction? If you are flooded during a session (e.g., frozen, overwhelmed, etc.) and your therapist doesn’t seem to notice, show curiosity, or take the time to help you find ground again, you might need to find help elsewhere. If in response to your stress, they fill up the space with more words of explanation or defense, they might not be as trauma sensitive as they need to be.

Pressure to progress, mislabeling your hesitation as refusal.

Therapists love to help people. That is why we do this work. We want to see people get better and we have confidence that healing can and will happen. But sometimes, our motivation to help people also include the hidden desire to feel helpful. This desire can become a demand that the client feels in their bones. “I have to progress and get better or they will become disappointed in me or see me as resistant.”

If you have felt this pressure, take a moment and consider possible roots. Sometimes this fear of being resistant is something the survivor has come to believe about themselves (or, were told by their abusers!). But other times it is a message from their helper. Signs of demands, disgust, irritation, frustration, coercive speech, pouting all point to the possibility that the therapist is communicating to you that you need to get better FOR THEM.

We will explore how to determine if a therapist is right for you in the next post but suffice it to say here, your resistance to an intervention is something to listen to with curiosity. It is the beginning of regaining your voice and power. Instead ask, “What might your hesitation be saying?” Listen to it and don’t immediately judge it. If your therapist does label it as refusal, consider other helpers.   

Therapist talking about self a lot.

Who does most of the talking in your session? You or your therapist? When your therapist talks, is it for the purpose of inviting you to explore your own reflections? Or, when they speak, do they share paragraphs and essays about their work or themselves? How much do they talk about their own experiences? Self-disclosure by the therapist is not always wrong. It can be helpful in tiny doses. But when it happens frequently it often distracts from the work that needs to be done by their client.

Therapy is not the place for therapists to talk about themselves (or to sell their own products). Ask yourself, “do I get to talk about the things that are most important to me during my sessions?”  

Boundary crossings.

Trauma experiences, especially betrayal traumas, often contain boundary violations and maltreatment by someone who was supposed to protect and respect another. When helpers confuse or cross needed boundaries, this can delay healing or cause more harm. What kinds of boundary crossings do I mean? I have witnessed therapists trying to be all things for a client. They are not just the therapist but also become friend, “parent figure,” employer, pastor, landlord, and sadly, sexual partner. This last boundary crossing—sexual and romantic relationships—is always an abuse of power and a violation of the sacred trust of therapy. It is also a criminal act in most jurisdictions and always an ethical breach.

Most crossings are not meant for harm. A client can’t afford therapy so a clinician barters—provides therapy and in re-payment the client performs some work. A client has administrative skills and so the clinician invites the client to help run his or her business. Another client is isolated and so a therapist invites them to their own bible study group. On the surface these might seem mutual and helpful.  But what if the client doesn’t respond well to the therapy? What if the therapist is unhappy with the work completed? What if learning about the personal life of the therapist creates confusion about what is discussed at the next session?

When therapists encourage dual relationships without ample discussion of the possible ramifications, they prioritize their own benefit at the expense of the client’s wellbeing.

I see a red flag, what should I do?

No therapist is perfect, and we all make therapeutic mistakes. It is the response to mistakes that makes all the difference between good and harmful therapies. The question you must ask yourself,

“is it safe to bring up concerns and questions about what happens in therapy?”

Can you talk about the process and raise concerns without your therapist becoming defensive? Most therapists want to provide good care and do not want to do things that harm their clients. So, it stands to reason that many will respond with concern and work with you repair the rupture and find out what works best for you going forward. If, however, you have reason to believe that you will be mis-treated for bringing up a concern, then consider whether it is time to find another therapist.

What comes next?

In our final post of this series, we will explore how to interview for a good therapist and how to determine what model of therapy might be best for you.

For further reading, why do counselors talk about themselves?

Leave a comment

Filed under biblical counseling, christian counseling, counseling, counseling skills, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, trauma, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

October 21, 2023 · 3:18 pm

Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 1, an overview


I spoke last week at #Restore2023 hosted by the julieroys.com. This was their third such conference and the second I have attended. I decided to present on this question in the title because so many ask me about their healing journey with the assumption that they must be doing it wrong. Why? Because they are continuing to struggle with triggers and can’t seem to “move on.” This very question often adds to their pain because of the assumptions of failure.

Trauma is a deep wound of the heart and it hurts every part of our being–our hearts, minds, and bodies. It disconnects us from ourselves, our friends/family/community, and from our faith. We are often are left with two enduring questions: Why did this happen and how can I get out of this hell? Sadly, we end up believing that WE are likely the cause of why we are traumatized and that WE are likely the reason why we aren’t better yet. Trauma triggers and responses are impossible on their own. But the overwhelming sense that we are the reason we aren’t getting better only amplifies the pain. And when our “helpers” add to our own self-criticism by saying or inferring we aren’t doing it right, we feel even more sure that we are alone and forever trapped in a death spiral.

In this little series I want to explore some features of this necessary but unwanted journey of healing. We’ll start by orienting with a small “map.” In later posts we will explore some barriers to recovery and red flags to take note of regarding your helpers or counselors. We will end the series by considering what model of therapy and therapist might be best for you.

The journey you never imagined you would have to take

When you begin a journey these days, one of the first things you want to have is your turn-by-turn directions on your smart phone. But this journey is going to be a bit more old-school since google maps has yet to give us the quickest route. Before cell phones, we had to have a paper map and/or some scribbled directions to remind us key landmarks that would help us find our way to our destination. True old school would be orienting by sun and stars and this may be the best image to keep as you navigate your own path of healing.

So, what are some landmarks (aka, basic reminders) that help us stay on the right path? Consider these three:

Take care of your body.

Our whole beings have been damaged—it is not just in our mind! So, we need to take care of our bodies. Part of caring for bodies means understanding them and having non-judgmental curiosity about how your body works. For example, your body is designed to protect you. You sweat when you overheat. and shiver when cold. Your body defends against viruses and germs. The trauma response you experience in your body is an attempt to protect you. So, do your best not to think ill of it. Recently, I suffered a back injury and spent a few days immobilized due to spasms. My back muscles, even my whole body, tried to keep from feeling those spasms. We call that guarding. I was able to get help and began some PT a few days later. The protective muscles had done their job but now needed reminders to go off duty as their protection was not needed anymore. The therapist gently reminded me to relax my glutes and calf muscles as we worked on my back.

For many of you, your body has been guarding from a long trauma in your life. No wonder it responds the way it does. Acknowledge its effort and give thanks for its amazing capacities. Use gentle reminders and compassionate care.

Look for stability in a triggering world.

Part of caring for our bodies it to develop a curiosity about what helps us find stability in a triggering world. If you are continually attacking yourself for having a fight/flight/freeze response it will be hard to develop curiosity about what helps you recover that sense of security and stability.

What helps you experience just a little more ease after a trigger? Maybe for you it is movement. For another, it may be a specific breathing exercise or a focus on one of the senses. Or, maybe it is a distracting conversation with a friend. Figure out what helps even just ten percent and develop a list of things you can try when distressed. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t remember what to do but find ways to write it down so that it is easier to remember. Something might work once and not another time. Again, just take note of it without judging your capacity to calm yourself.

Begin to tell the story of you again.

A key feature of recovery is the practice of beginning to tell (and write new chapters) the story of you to yourself and others. Trauma has a way of stealing our voice and power. It has a way of distorting our story and giving us false names for what we have experienced. “If only I was stronger I could have resisted him…I must have asked for this abuse…”. The journey of healing is a journey of making some sense of the insensible and reframing who we are in the world. This takes time and needs lots of care. it ought not be rushed but done little-by-little. However, even when you go out with friends and do a small but brave thing, you are writing a new chapter in your story. Make sure you aren’t missing this important fact.

three simple steps, right? Not really. Exhausting? Absolutely.

In our next post we will get into greater detail about this journey towards healing. But, first, there are some barriers to the journey that can hinder our progress. These are things we and others believe and some things others do that get in the way of our making progress. Some of these myths really delay or disrupt. We’ll cover some of the myths about the healing journey in our next post.

For more reading on this site, search the word “trauma” or start with this post.

2 Comments

Filed under Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, trauma, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

March 6, 2022 · 1:30 pm

Considering Criteria for Spiritual Abuse


I’ve read a lot of discussion recently about the difficulty defining spiritual abuse of adults by faith leaders in positions of power. It seems most debates center on whether to believe victims who report such abuse and whether there is a culture of victimhood. Behind these discussions is the question of whether we can operationally define spiritual abuse.

For some, since there isn’t consensus on a definition, then there is little to no value in discussing its reality. “It is too subjective and can’t be known.” For others, “too many good leaders will be hurt by false allegations” is reason enough to doubt an accuser’s experience.

Permit me two small historical sidebars to give context on these kinds of debates. 15 years ago I gave a lecture at a denomination’s general assembly on the problem of child sexual abuse. In the room were 300 or so pastors. The very first question asked from the floor was whether it was biblically proper to accept a child’s report of abuse against an elder if there wasn’t a second witness. The second comment from the floor was a statement expressing concern that false allegations would ruin the ministries of many good pastors. The third question amounted to, “Why do we call it abuse, can’t we just call it sin?”

My second historical point goes back a bit further. In the mid-1800s doctors did not routinely wash their hands or instruments after doing cadaver work. As a result, when they delivered babies, mothers and infants died at alarming rates, especially when compared to mortality rates of mid-wife deliveries. When the medical community began speaking about microbes and the need to wash, doctors often resisted. The renowned Dr. Oliver Wendall Holmes was castigated for speaking about the need for better hygiene and some New York doctors wrote letters expressing that such practices would harm their business and the public’s trust of their guild.

In both examples, the primary concern seemed to be to protect the guild, much like our current discussion.

Two criteria for determining spiritual abuse

Consider the case of child abuse. There are two accepted criteria used in defining child abuse that can be helpful here: 1. Actions that result in abuse, and 2. Impact on victim. For example, refusing to take a sick child to the doctor may be found to be abuse/neglect whether or not the child recovers. Or, in another example, one parent routinely expresses paranoia that aliens are trying to hurt them. One child appears resilient and unbothered while the other child becomes suicidal. The impact on the second child is what may lead to a finding of abuse. Note that intentionality is not a criteria for whether a finding of abuse is valid.[1]

So, try on some of these action words for size. How do they fit for criteria of spiritual abuse? Rejecting…terrorizing…isolating…ignoring…corrupting…verbally assaulting…over pressuring.

Let’s apply to a specific case. A man pressures his wife daily for sex and when she does not comply (she often does) he gives her the cold shoulder and refuses to speak to her. When he does talk to her, he quotes bible passages and tells her she is sinning and may be responsible if he looks at porn. This woman comes to her pastor for help and to tell him that her therapist has encouraged her to leave to preserve her emotional safety. In this hour-long meeting, the pastor asks no further questions about her experience even though he does express some empathy for her pain. Because he does not ask questions, he does not find out that she being raped, that she regularly wakes up in the night to find her husband trying to penetrate her. Instead, this pastor tells her to be wary of leaving as it will lead to divorce and potentially harm the husband’s reputation as head of a Christian non-profit ministry. He also wonders aloud if her therapist is giving Godly counsel. As the meeting ends, he asks her to come back next week to talk further and gives her homework to identify the log in her own eye. She leaves confused, sad, afraid, and wondering if she is the problem in her marriage.

Now, has the leader committed spiritual abuse? Quite possibly. Is talking about sin and divorce spiritual abuse? No. But, it also is naïve and poor spiritual leadership. As far as actions go, he ignored her pain, he implicitly isolated her by questioning her therapist, asking her to stay, and showing undue concern for the husband’s reputation. She leaves feeling he has rejected her concerns.

If they continue to meet and he continues to emphasize her need to bear up under this burden and to examine her own heart, then he is likely overpressuring (aka coercing) her. Let’s assume the pastor does not want to harm the wife and believes his counsel is helpful. There is no intention to commit spiritual abuse. But, using his spiritual position and wrapping his counsel in biblical and doctrinal language, the pastor has indeed begun to spiritually abuse his parishioner. The abuse could be averted with some basic education if the pastor was open to learning. But ongoing mild to moderate use of these actions would constitute spiritual abuse for this woman. Another woman might just tell the pastor off on the first visit and walk away. In this case it wouldn’t be spiritual abuse. It would be incompetent pastoral care. But in our imaginary case, this woman stayed because (a) she had been raised to always trust pastors, (b) her husband’s chronic belittling had convinced her that she was in the wrong, and (c) she was already rather isolated. What was incompetent care becomes spiritual abuse due to action AND impact.

Why call it spiritual abuse?

Recall the question posed at the beginning of this essay: Why not just call it sin (or bad care in this instance)? Why call it (spiritual) abuse? I would argue that this question comes from a cultural sense that abuse label means the person who committed it is an ABUSER and therefore unable to change and worthy of being cast out of society. Sin feels better because it can be just a “one off” misbehavior. The problems with calling it sin are several. It reveals we are likely far too comfortable with sin. It denies patterns that need attention. It favors the one who has done the wrong and minimizes the impact on the victim. We seem more focused on propping up the careers of those with certain leadership capacities than recognizing the numerous examples in the bible of how God handles those who misrepresent him (e.g., Job’s friends, bad shepherds (Eze 34), blind guides and white-washed tombs, false teachers in Jude).

Labeling certain behaviors as spiritual abuse helps us focus on those actions that crush spirits. Just as labeling the failure to wash hands may cause infections. Identifying spiritual abuse and its impact helps us focus on consequences rather than intentions.   

Want to read more on defining spiritual abuse?

Check out this and this link for definitions of spiritual abuse.

[1] This essay concisely describes the action and impact criteria for child abuse. Some actions are not per se abusive but create a negative impact. These behaviors, if not stopped, could however be labeled abusive in the future if the parent does not respond to corrective education.

1 Comment

Filed under Abuse, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, pastors and pastoring, Spiritual abuse, trauma

Tagged as , , ,

March 9, 2021 · 6:11 am

Free online master class with Diane Langberg on redeeming power


Forum of Christian Leaders will be hosting Dr. Langberg for a 3 hour master class on March 20, 2021. The forum is entitled, Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church. For more information on how to register for this session, please check out this flyer.

2021-03-20_diane-langberg_flyerDownload

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , ,

January 11, 2021 · 6:05 pm

Abuse of power in the church: What is it? What can we do?


On Saturday I participated in a 40 minute webinar hosted by GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment) along with Dr. Diane Langberg. If you want to watch it on YouTube, here is the link. We defined various forms of power and how it can be abused. We talked about how organizations and systems may end up supporting abuse of power. And we considered some ways in which we can respond to victims. Throughout the year, GRACE will host more of these webinars and delve deeper into the impact of abuse and ways to heal.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , ,

February 4, 2018 · 5:34 pm

When don’t we support victims of abuse?


At the American Bible Society, where I work, those of us involved in trauma healing often say that what gets us up in the morning is our mission to equip the church to be a safe place, a place of hope and healing, for traumatized individuals. I think most Christians want to believe that the church is a safe place for the most vulnerable among us.

But this has not been the case for far to many who report child or adult abuse and harassment.

Now, as a son of a pastor, I am well aware of the challenges pastors and church leaders have in leading their congregations. Frequently, the leaders need the wisdom of Solomon, especially in cases of life and death conflict. The work of pastoring through abuse allegations is never easy. Don’t let your love of the church stop you from reading the rest!

I imagine we all believe that the Church can do so much better. And we ought to be asking ourselves, why have we failed as much as we have? In theory, we are always against abuse and always for protecting the vulnerable. But it does not always play out this way.

Consider what responses might be given to these three “first meeting” vignettes:

  1. A woman comes to church leadership to seek pastoral support in light of her husband’s abusive behavior. This man is well-known to be antagonistic to church and to the Christian faith.
  2. A woman comes seeking pastoral support in light of her husband’s abusive behavior. This man is well-respected in the community and has been a Sunday School teacher for the past decade. She is also known to be a wise and careful woman.
  3. A woman comes seeking pastoral support in light of her husband’s abusive behavior. The man is involved in the church and the woman has been known to be a bit of a church hopper.

Whether or not there is objective evidence supporting her allegations what response should these women receive? Will it be the same? Will the compassion and support offered be the same for each woman? Who will be treated with more compassion, who will be treated with more suspicion (or even just neutrality)? Will the amount of circumstantial evidence influence our response?

Minto, Hornsey, Gillespie, Healy, & Jetten (2016) have attempted to research (a) whether we are more likely to fail to support abuse victims when the abuser is one of our own and (b) whether circumstantial evidence will change our position. [You can download their full-text research essay here.] Their interest was exploring how social identity (what group you are a part of and have pride in) influences how we handle allegations of abuse by fell0w group members.

Study 1. 601 individuals read a vignette of an adult male alleging that a priest sexually abused him as a ten year old. The vignette included details of the alleged abuse and the rebuttal made by the defense attorney for the priest. Catholics, Prostestants, and non-believers all rated the assumed credibility of the victim and the perpetrator. Results indicate both Catholic and Protestant individuals with high church identity were significantly more likely to defend the accused and doubt the accuser. This was especially true if their faith was central to their core identity.

Study 2. 404 individuals also read the same vignette however the level of circumstantial evidence against the priest was manipulated. For some, the survey participants learned that church authorities were not defending the priest and that there had been a previous suspension for similar behavior (i.e., higher certainty of truth). The remaining participants learned that there had been no other cases and that this case was thrown out for insufficient evidence. The results for this study indicate,

ingroup participants were more likely to defend the integrity of the accused (and to cast doubt on the accuser) than were other participants, an effect that was exclusively driven by high identifiers. Interestingly–and somewhat surprisingly–this effect was not moderated by the subjective level of certainty surrounding the guilt of the accused.

In other words, those who highly identify with the Catholic church are more likely to defend the accused even when there is considerable circumstantial evidence against that person.

While this research was carried out examining responses to Catholic priest allegations, it appears that the problem does not lie only within the Church. Consider the obstructing responses of Michigan State to allegations of Dr. Nasser’s abuse of young female athletes over the years. The authors conclude,

Our data confirm that such highly identified ingroup members are the least willing to believe that the accusations are based on fact. This helps to provide psychological explanations for qualitative and anecdotal accounts of senior group members failing to adequately follow up allegations of child sexual abuse within their institution.

But why? The authors ask, wouldn’t the ingroup members be more motivated to purify their ranks by rejecting those who are accused of bad behavior? What is gained (or lost) by standing by accusers when the there is circumstantial evidence of abuse and no evidence of circumstantial evidence of lying on the side of the accuser? This is the challenge for those of use who listen to stories of abuse that happen in our own cherished communities.

Until we solve this problem, we will stand with the young women who accused Dr. Nasser of sexual abuse because he was not one of us but refuse to do the same when the accused is one of our own.

For further reading on reasons why we fail to act well in light of abuse allegations or reports of failures to act:

  1. Why we fail to act: Sins of complicity
  2. Failures to act: Why we don’t always blow the whistle on abuse
  3. After failures: What is more important? Gospel behaviors or reduction of liability?

3 Comments

Filed under Abuse, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , ,

March 27, 2017 · 11:00 am

Trauma and the Church presentation this Friday night


This weekend, Foundations Christian Counseling is hosting a 2 day conference, Counsel From the Cross at Spruce Lake Retreat. I will be speaking Friday night (8 pm) on “The Cross, the Church, and Trauma: Making the Church a Safe Place for Victims of Trauma.” Use the 2nd link above to register for the day or the weekend.

2 Comments

Filed under "phil monroe", Abuse, Christianity, counseling, Counselors, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, ptsd, trauma, Uncategorized

Tagged as ,

January 16, 2017 · 6:00 am

A Cancer Within Evangelical Christianity


There is a serious problem within protestant evangelical Christianity. We love right preaching and teaching more than we love right living. We love power and authority more than sacrifice and submission. We love honor over humility. We love being led by popular leaders who make us feel good more than following the despised and rejected One—who has no “beauty or majesty to attract us to him.” (Isa 53)

We want King Saul over young David.

Of course I do not accuse all protestant Christians nor all leaders with this charge. And yet, we must all own this problem together. It is not merely the Catholic Church that has covered up abuse or used power to protect itself. While the system of the Catholic Church enables a wider and deeper cover-up, we have all of the same issues on a (slightly) smaller scale.

A picture of a true leader of God’s church…and the opposite

Leaders of the church are to be representatives of Jesus, individuals set apart to be under-shepherds. They are to care for the flock. And what do we need? We need teaching, encouragement, comfort, and rebuke in their proper times and measures. But most of all we need our leaders to be images/examples of our true Shepherd.

Quite simply, the good shepherd is one who lays down his life for the sheep (John 10:11) and who feeds, carries, and gently leads (Isa 40:11). Of course this is a picture of a powerful leader. Only one with power who knows right and wrong can choose to sacrifice rights and become smaller for the purpose of care of the most vulnerable.

But we have a pattern of enabling self-promoting leaders of the flock. These want to be listened to, respected and followed for their own sake. Sure, they may speak of the Gospel of grace, but how do they live it? How do they treat the ones who have the least power? How do they handle criticism? Do they even have a Paul (wise older leader with a track record of being willing to encourage and also say hard things) to speak to them as he did to Timothy? Or would they tolerate one who spoke to them as Paul did to Peter when he acted out of accord with the Gospel (Gal 2:11f)?

It seems that when we do see brokenness in our leaders we tend to excuse it, especially when their gifts are attractive and the ones revealing these flaws are expendable.

Consider this warning

What makes Jesus angry? The New Testament records a few instances of expressed anger: Money changers, self-righteous religious leaders, hindering children, and the pain of death (Lazarus). We see it most clearly in his language toward the religious leaders when he calls them “brood of vipers…white washed tombs…hypocrites.”

What are these leaders doing that evoke Jesus’ just anger? Matthew 23 provides some answers.

  • Everything they do is for show to receive the praise and honor of followers
  • They seek power and control. They (try to) decide who can be in the kingdom; they seek converts who will work for their interests
  • They develop special rules that support their apparent position of authority
  • They makes a show of sacrifice yet forget the most important values: justice, mercy, and faith/submission to God
  • Their public and private selves do not match—the outside looks great but inside is abominable

It does not matter if they deliver well-crafted and biblically sound sermons. It does not matter if many flock to their ministries. If their motive, efforts, and tactics (public and private) do not match God’s character of a good shepherd, their good human gifts of are no value. Even worse, they deserve rebuke (Ezekiel 34; Jeremiah 23) and even removal from speaking for God anymore (Ezekiel 44).

The true problem?

There have always been false shepherds. There always will be false shepherds. But, what enables them to stay in positions of power is that we allow it. G. Campbell Morgan minces no words when he highlights the problem of false shepherds.

Now the false in religion stands revealed in Christ’s contemplation of these men [described in Matthew 23], not only in the case of the men themselves, but in the case of the people who are under the influence of such men. The false in religion in the case of the people is due to failure to discriminate between the human and the divine; and consists of submission to unauthorized authority.

Morgan, Gospel According to Matthew, p. 273†

Why do we fail to discriminate between human and divine? We overlook “foibles” because we know our own hidden sins. We fear being ostracized and losing our position in the inner-ring of power. We ignore the words of victims in order to maintain the appearance of health in the system. We love the image of redemption (the happily ever after restoration) more than the long slog of obedience. In short, false shepherds cannot maintain or increase power unless we protect and enable them.

The beginning of a solution

Let us repent of these our sins. Let us study anew what we and our leaders are to be like. Let us listen to the ones we call expendable when they speak about abuse of power. In the words of my former pastor, let us pray to God for better leaders than we deserve and to be the kinds of undershepherds we are called to be in God’s wide kingdom.

Consider these previous posts on related topics:

To avoid spiritual abuse church leaders should do this

Evaluating the Character of a Leader?

Restoring fallen leaders? Possible or Impossible?

Spiritual Abuse: What it is and Why it Hurts

† My thanks to Dr. Diane Langberg for pointing me to this quote in Morgan’s commentary.

 

3 Comments

Filed under Abuse, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, Evangelicals, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

October 15, 2016 · 2:40 pm

Abusive Marriages: Restoring the voice of God to the Sufferer


In breakout format, Darby Strickland presented on this topic today at #CCEF16. She defined emotional abuse using the word oppression instead. She defined it as a pattern of coercive controlling and punishing behaviors whereby one spouse seeks to control and dominate the other. Oppressors enslave others, but tend to self-justify behaviors.  The oppressor tends to be entitled (people are there to please them; people should sacrifice for their well-being). They tend to dominate others and threaten as a means of control. Oppressors are willing to wound to keep control (which Darby reminds us is the opposite of how Jesus wields power–he was willing to be wounded for others). On the other hand, oppressors tend to be self-deceived, lack remorse and blameshift when accused.

Sometimes abuse is misunderstood as an anger problem. But the reality is that the root is self-worship and control. The only thing that matters are their words, their rules, their emotions, and their physical and sexual needs that must be obeyed. It is “enforced worship.”

Darby then explored emotional abuse in particular. Symptoms include a chronic pattern of rejecting, neglecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, exploiting, belittling, deceiving, blaming, ignoring, shaming, and threatening. She also talked about “gas lighting” which is the attempt to make someone think that something that did happen never happened. Within emotional abuse is also spiritual abuse. The use of Scripture, doctrinc, or position of leadership to abuse. It can be subtle but it lording power over others, demanding submission, and use Scripture to shame.

Darby pulls no punches when she describes behaviors by oppressive and abusive men (yes, women can do this as well, but this talk is focused on the experience of oppressed women). It is destructive to souls and does not reflect any part of Jesus Christ. She was equally clear on the destructive impact on victims. Eccl 4: the dead are happier than the oppressed.

What does God say about oppression?

  • Not your fault. Evil comes out of the heart of the one doing it: Mark 7. You might be a stressor by just being a person.
  • You do not deserve this. (Victims and leaders look for reasons, like Job’s friends). Heb 10:17. Your sins and lawless deeds I will not remember anymore. God is your rescuer, not your punisher
  • It is not a marriage problem. Luke 6:45 shows us that evil comes out of the evil person’s heart. It is not merely some interaction problem. Do not ask the oppressed to serve the oppressor more. It emboldens oppressors.
  • Oppression violates God’s design for marriage. It is not to be submitted to but rather brought into the light. He tells the head to reject control for self sacrifice.
  • God sees your suffering. Jesus sees and knows oppression too.
  • God cares about your safety. Do you think that God cares more about you keeping your vows than he does about your safety? 
  • God’s desire is to rescue you. I will rescue my flock and they show no longer be a prey (Ex 34:22)

Draw near to God through laments; he does not ask you to forget your suffering. Learning to lament is a process. It may not be “sanctified speech” when you first start to speak. That is okay, just begin to speak. Listen for the content, less focus on the tone. Then, you can ask God to help shape your expression. To counter the shaming words, remember who God says about you. “Remember who Jesus is because he is everything your oppressor isn’t.” He woos you, he does not demand subjection.

She closed with Proverbs 12:18: The words of the reckless pierce like swords. But the tongue of the wise brings healing.

_____

You might find it interesting that Darby chose to not take questions at the end. Her reason is that knowing that 25% of the christian world has experienced domestic abuse. Thus, she expected a number of victims in the room. She felt that taking questions might subject some, inadvertently, to further pain. (She was willing to take questions afterwards in private).

I very much appreciated her strong words to identify the pattern and indicate the primary concern for care for the victim. I know she has written and spoken on the topic of working with oppressors. This was not that talk.

9 Comments

Filed under Abuse, CCEF, christian counseling

Tagged as , ,

January 11, 2016 · 10:21 am

Seeking Justice After Abuse: Can we Make it Easier?


Seeking justice for self and others is a good thing. No, it is a “God thing.” This world was created to be just and one day it will be made right again. However, now we live in a world where justice is sorely lacking around the world. Even in the United States where the rule of law is paramount, justice is difficult to come by for certain segments of society and for those especially who are abused in secret.

We’re doing a bit better. Rape and other sex crimes are taken more seriously. Laws are changed to allow old crimes to be brought to trail. Notice that the movie Spotlight is in the theaters, highlighting the massive cover-up of church sex abuse crimes. Churches are now much more serious about protecting the most vulnerable in their midst–in part due to increased child protection measures required by law. Organizations like GRACE tirelessly provide prevention education.

You might think then that victims will find it easier to report their crimes and to pursue criminal justice. And I suspect the data would show that more do report their crimes now than twenty years ago. However, easier does not mean easy. Though this essay is nearly 13 years old, I recommend those serving victims (public and private mental health providers, ministry leaders, criminal justice providers) read Judith Herman’s review of some of the challenges of reporting physical and sexual assault crimes. Some of those challenges include

  • The humiliation of telling your story in a public and adversarial setting such as a trial (and telling it repeatedly with those who must question you)
  • The possibility that the perpetrator will use the system to intimidate and to terrorize
  • Being told that your case isn’t going to be taken up; being disbelieved when it is true
  • Being coerced by family not to report due to the perpetrator being a family member

What can we do to help?

Most readers probably do not work in the criminal justice system. Yet, there are many things we can do to help those who need justice.

  • Get educated. Check out resources provided by NOVA; know what abuse crimes are happening in your community; consider having law enforcement or a member of the District Attorney’s office come to a meeting with community and church leaders
  • Find out what laws need to be changed and communicate regularly with your political leaders
  • Become a victim advocate officially, or volunteer to go with a victim to his or her next court date
  • When injustice happens between members in a close community, consider how restorative justice practices might be beneficial for victim and offender
  • Mental Health providers can help prepare victims and their families for the challenges of going through the system
  • Teach on the matter of justice seeking in churches; show that the pursuit of it is central to the Gospel (James 1:27)

 

2 Comments

Filed under Abuse, christian counseling, Justice, sexual abuse, Uncategorized

Tagged as , ,