Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 4, Key characteristics of good trauma care

Now that we have identified some of the myths we might have about the healing journey and further highlighted problem behaviors by helpers, let’s consider characteristics of trauma recovery. This is our preparation for our next and final post of this series where we will consider how to choose a model or therapist that works best for you.

In the part one in this series, I gave some good therapy landmarks, or, to use a different image, necessary ingredients for a recovery recipe: take care of your body, find stability, and begin (again) telling the story of you. But diving deeper, let’s explore those ingredients further.

Deepen compassion and curiosity.

Do you find it hard to experience compassion about what is happening in your body and curiosity about what can help it feel even just a little bit better? Many of us do. When we live on high alert, our bodies do not function the way we would like. We may be prone to self-criticism due to family or religious messaging. Unfortunately, this tends to shut down our capacity to remain curious about what helps us feel better and find stability again.

Imagine that you were recently diagnosed with migraines. You hate them, they disable you for a time and they come on out of the blue. Would you be prone to beat yourself up for having them? Compassion means not beating yourself up during or after an episode. Curiosity means staying focused on what helps shorten headaches; what foods, activities, medications, and supplements help you have fewer and shorter episodes.

It will be an exhausting endeavor for you to care for your body after trauma since many voices out there offer you false promises. But starting with yourself, be a learner and have the mindset of experimentation. Try things. See if they work a little or not at all. Keep trying things because these are signs you are regaining your ability to know what you need.

One last word on the necessity of compassion. It is not sinful or selfish to feel compassion towards you the way you would feel for a friend. If you struggle with this feeling this way towards yourself, consider why. Is there yet another barrier belief getting in the way? A voice telling you that you are undeserving?

Develop community.

Recovery from trauma requires a network (even small) of people who know you, see you, and who are committed to being there for you. Some may be more involved, some on the periphery. These are people who aren’t prone to preach, but rather to bear witness to the suffering and the small victories. You are looking for more of a witness and a cheerleader and less a coach. Together, find small spaces outside of trauma. For example, start a walking club, or an art night where you all draw together.

Evaluate your therapist.

In our next post we will talk about models of therapy and how to choose one that fits you. But, even more important than choosing a model is finding a therapist of good character whose primary skill is listening and bearing witness to you. I acknowledge upfront this can be a process of trial and error. Since many already have a therapist, consider these questions as to how well the person is working for you.

Does your therapy go at your pace? Or, do they demand that you run at their pace. If you ask to slow down in a session or ask to not venture into some topic, take note of how they respond. It will tell you much about that person. We talked about red flags responses by therapists in the last post. But any response that includes pouting, pressure, withdrawal of support, or criticism is a sign you should not miss. Instead, they should exhibit curiosity and interest about what you need.  

How does your therapist respond when you hesitate or even doubt the value of some of their recommendations? Resistance is normal in therapy. Frankly, it is necessary and not a sign of rebellion (something that many in faith communities fear being labeled). No, resistance or pushback is a sign you are using your power again after it was stolen from you by your traumatic experience.

When you finish sessions, ask yourself: Did we talk about the things that were most important to me? Did I feel listened to?

Limit your exposure to other’s trauma.

There is a fine line to finding community support and being overwhelmed by the pains of others. If you are spending a great deal of time invested in the world of other people’s trauma, it may feel good in the moment to realize you are not alone However, it also will keep your body in a state of heightened alert. Certain news and social media platforms are designed to keep telling you how doomed the world is. Be wary of taking in so much pain that you are unable to care for yourself.

Develop a list of opposites of trauma.

Trauma forces us to experience chaos, voicelessness, destruction, isolation, and ugliness. Recovering from trauma means finding and imbibing the opposite experiences. Begin making a list of those opposites. You can do this by creating a T chart. On one side of the chart you list words the represent the experiences you had during or the result of trauma. On the other side, list things that would be the opposite experience. Did you experience chaos? What might help you experience order? Did you experience destruction? What might help you experience creativity? Did you experience loss of voice? Can you write? Did you experience ugliness? What might be beauty around you? Keep the list with you so you can add to it and try to use it when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Now what?

Now that we have identified the ingredients for good trauma care, we are ready to explore how to find a good therapist to walk this journey. We will explore some different models of trauma care and give you some tools to help you make the right decision for you. In the meantime, see if you can expand your practice of the characteristics of trauma care we just reviewed. Ask a close and safe friend to sit with you and review each of the items above. Which ones have you made progress? What might be the next steps or ideas to try to implement? Have an experimental mind. Try things and remember that it is okay to find out something doesn’t work for you.