Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 2, Myths about healing that hinder recovery

In my previous post, I explored how chronic trauma responses lead many of us to think we are doing something wrong and are the reason why we are not getting better fast enough. We named some foundational principles for recovery, landmarks by which to navigate the journey of healing.

1. Take care of your body.
2. Look for stability in a triggering world.
3. Begin (again and again) to tell the story of you.

These three steps are seemingly simple and yet they take every fiber of our being and the help from friends to keep fighting for healing day after day.

Unfortunately, there are some beliefs about healing—myths—that can hinder our recovery journey. As you read my shortlist of 4 misguided views about suffering and healing, consider what beliefs and ideas you have had about healing (or heard from others) that might create an extra barrier in your own journey.

Myth: Complete healing is possible and likely

There is a myth that healing from trauma means that I will no longer be bothered by things that used to trigger me. Healing means, in this belief, that memories will not be painful or show up at surprising times. If I continue to have triggers, these reactions are signs of failure to heal, to trust, to have faith in God.

Sadly, I see many who have found considerable healing after trauma to believe this because they have surprising triggers that knock them off their feet from time to time.

Consider this analogy, Your body has changed as much as if you were hit by a car. If you had been an elite athlete prior to the accident, you might need to accept you could no longer be an athlete as a result. It would not be a sign that you had failed to heal but that in healing, life is now different. When we believe that something is wrong with us since we bear scars (e.g., trauma triggers, bodies that are on higher alert, limitations to what we can now do) we add to our pain by accusing ourselves of not healing.

It doesn’t help when we see others who seem to have found more healing. Stories of “heroes” like Corrie Ten Boom or Malala Yousafzai seem to tell us that some people are truly healed. And since we know we are not, there must be something wrong with us. Truth? While post-traumatic growth is a real thing, there is ample evidence that these heroes still suffer with their invisible wounds. Growth does not eliminate injury.   

Myth: Healing should mean no longer in grief

Grief and growth will co-mingle, and one does not eliminate the other. Loss is loss. When we experience trauma, we also suffer loss. And loss means grief. These losses include safety, predictability, identity, voice, as well as other more physical and spiritual losses. We may lose family members, community, and capacities we once had (recall the elite athlete image above).

We don’t imagine that if you lost a close loved one that you should no longer feel something when reminders of their loss are present. Grief shows up like waves at the ocean. They may be big and knock us down. They may be small and less obvious to us. No matter the size, they are always present. And something will likely trigger a larger wave when we least expect it.

Myth: My faith should be able to be what it was

The story of you has changed as a result of trauma. It impacts every part of your story, including your faith and spiritual experiences. By every definition, you are now different because your story includes something that is difficult, if not impossible, to integrate into the way life was or is supposed to be.

Consider the Psalmist in the Bible. Psalm 42 and 43 tell us this fact in poetic form. The writer struggles to make sense of the loss of his capacity to lead the worship procession. He remembers how led the way to worship but now all he feels is isolation and the sting of those who mock him. He cannot find his way back to who he was and his efforts to press himself to trust God seem not to work. In the end, he is left with big questions for God.

If your trauma happened within your faith community, you may not be able to return or to worship in the same way. Even if you do return to your faith community, joy will likely be tinged with grief. Because you, like the psalmist, are trying to integrate a new disconcerting reality into your story. This new struggle is not a sign of failure to heal. It is a sign that things are now different. And remember, this struggle does not mean you do not have faith or trust God. The act of lament is just as faithful and worshipful as singing praise songs with a crowd. (To read more about lament, try this short essay.)

Myth: Suffering is God’s way of strengthening me

A common myth in Christian circles is that God has some master plan that includes suffering and without it, God could not prepare you for greatness or strengthen you. I see this myth at play when people minimize their suffering and try to whitewash it with phrases like, “but it is all for the glory of God.” Yes, God does get glory when his people seek him and honor him. And, suffering may indeed strengthen new parts of your being, in time. You may thank God for his presence in suffering and for his various ways of showing up in hard times. You may find hidden treasures in dark places (Is 45:3) and discover new strengths you did not know you had.

However, God’s heart for hurting people tells us that suffering is NOT his master plan. When suffering entered the world, God’s master plan was to pursue lost people (Gen 3:9, 21) and to care for them.

Suffering is suffering. Evil is evil. It is never good even if you find something good along the way to recovery. And no such positive outcome dismiss the suffering you have gone through. Our pain and our healing is not some balance sheet looking for a positive tally.

What are some of your beliefs that add to the pain and shame you are now experiencing? What can you release or begin to doubt? If you have a close friend who will listen and ask good questions, consider talking to them about some views on healing that might be holding you back.

A final thought about healing

Healing happens little-by-little. Of course we want it to happen now. You are not alone to long for more healing and less pain. There are things that can help and we will cover that in a future post in this series. I want to leave you with a garden analogy. In front of my office, there has been a lovely Japanese Maple tree. The leaves have been exquisite every fall. But this year, a big portion of it died and so had to be cut down. The spot there is now bare. I feel it’s absence every day. the building looks exposed now. Some small shrubs have been planted in the spot and lovely as they are, they cannot replace what was lost. And yet, when I stand there, I can see small growth and beauty of a different kind. The story of the building is certainly different. I see the stump and the growth that is happening.

You are a garden that had many beautiful things in it. Something happened to the garden of you and now the losses overwhelm any sense of goodness. You must now reconsider what the garden will be like going forward. Give yourself time to grieve what is no more and take time to notice what life is possible in you.

What’s next?

In part 3, we will explore another barrier we face on this journey of healing: the harmful actions of “helpers” and guides. We will look at some red flags you might see in your counselors, therapists, and spiritual guides.

Read more about healing on this site using the search bar. Try this video. Reconsider the language of healing. Would “integration” be a better way to describe recovery after trauma?