Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 1, an overview

I spoke last week at #Restore2023 hosted by the julieroys.com. This was their third such conference and the second I have attended. I decided to present on this question in the title because so many ask me about their healing journey with the assumption that they must be doing it wrong. Why? Because they are continuing to struggle with triggers and can’t seem to “move on.” This very question often adds to their pain because of the assumptions of failure.

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Trauma is a deep wound of the heart and it hurts every part of our being–our hearts, minds, and bodies. It disconnects us from ourselves, our friends/family/community, and from our faith. We are often are left with two enduring questions: Why did this happen and how can I get out of this hell? Sadly, we end up believing that WE are likely the cause of why we are traumatized and that WE are likely the reason why we aren’t better yet. Trauma triggers and responses are impossible on their own. But the overwhelming sense that we are the reason we aren’t getting better only amplifies the pain. And when our “helpers” add to our own self-criticism by saying or inferring we aren’t doing it right, we feel even more sure that we are alone and forever trapped in a death spiral.

In this little series I want to explore some features of this necessary but unwanted journey of healing. We’ll start by orienting with a small “map.” In later posts we will explore some barriers to recovery and red flags to take note of regarding your helpers or counselors. We will end the series by considering what model of therapy and therapist might be best for you.

The journey you never imagined you would have to take

When you begin a journey these days, one of the first things you want to have is your turn-by-turn directions on your smart phone. But this journey is going to be a bit more old-school since google maps has yet to give us the quickest route. Before cell phones, we had to have a paper map and/or some scribbled directions to remind us key landmarks that would help us find our way to our destination. True old school would be orienting by sun and stars and this may be the best image to keep as you navigate your own path of healing.

So, what are some landmarks (aka, basic reminders) that help us stay on the right path? Consider these three:

Take care of your body.

Our whole beings have been damaged—it is not just in our mind! So, we need to take care of our bodies. Part of caring for bodies means understanding them and having non-judgmental curiosity about how your body works. For example, your body is designed to protect you. You sweat when you overheat. and shiver when cold. Your body defends against viruses and germs. The trauma response you experience in your body is an attempt to protect you. So, do your best not to think ill of it. Recently, I suffered a back injury and spent a few days immobilized due to spasms. My back muscles, even my whole body, tried to keep from feeling those spasms. We call that guarding. I was able to get help and began some PT a few days later. The protective muscles had done their job but now needed reminders to go off duty as their protection was not needed anymore. The therapist gently reminded me to relax my glutes and calf muscles as we worked on my back.

For many of you, your body has been guarding from a long trauma in your life. No wonder it responds the way it does. Acknowledge its effort and give thanks for its amazing capacities. Use gentle reminders and compassionate care.

Look for stability in a triggering world.

Part of caring for our bodies it to develop a curiosity about what helps us find stability in a triggering world. If you are continually attacking yourself for having a fight/flight/freeze response it will be hard to develop curiosity about what helps you recover that sense of security and stability.

What helps you experience just a little more ease after a trigger? Maybe for you it is movement. For another, it may be a specific breathing exercise or a focus on one of the senses. Or, maybe it is a distracting conversation with a friend. Figure out what helps even just ten percent and develop a list of things you can try when distressed. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t remember what to do but find ways to write it down so that it is easier to remember. Something might work once and not another time. Again, just take note of it without judging your capacity to calm yourself.

Begin to tell the story of you again.

A key feature of recovery is the practice of beginning to tell (and write new chapters) the story of you to yourself and others. Trauma has a way of stealing our voice and power. It has a way of distorting our story and giving us false names for what we have experienced. “If only I was stronger I could have resisted him…I must have asked for this abuse…”. The journey of healing is a journey of making some sense of the insensible and reframing who we are in the world. This takes time and needs lots of care. it ought not be rushed but done little-by-little. However, even when you go out with friends and do a small but brave thing, you are writing a new chapter in your story. Make sure you aren’t missing this important fact.

three simple steps, right? Not really. Exhausting? Absolutely.

In our next post we will get into greater detail about this journey towards healing. But, first, there are some barriers to the journey that can hinder our progress. These are things we and others believe and some things others do that get in the way of our making progress. Some of these myths really delay or disrupt. We’ll cover some of the myths about the healing journey in our next post.

For more reading on this site, search the word “trauma” or start with this post.