Category Archives: biblical counseling

October 25, 2023 · 6:00 am

Am I doing this trauma healing thing right? Part 3, 6 red flags that you might need a new helper


In in our series about the challenges of undertaking this journey toward healing after trauma, we began by looking at key landmarks along the way that every pilgrim needs to keep in sight (Part 1). These include taking care of our bodies and becoming curious about what helps us find stability. In Part 2 we looked at some myths and beliefs about healing that can hinder our recovery. In Part 3 I want us to consider some things that “helpers” (AKA, therapists, pastoral counselors, counselors, friends, mentors, etc.) do that hinder recovery. If you spot any of these red flags, it might mean you need to have a heart-to-heart with your helper or, if need be, look for someone new to travel with you on your journey.

Before we dive into the underbelly of bad therapy, I want to remind readers that I really believe in therapy. Good therapy helps us understand ourselves, helps us explore parts we have been too ashamed to look at, and helps us gain perspectives and skills to use in our most important relationships. And bad therapy can take away what shred of hope we have for change. It is this reason why I have spent my career educating and training clergy and mental health professionals on 4 continents. Good therapy and help is possible and most of us helpers want to do what is good and right for you. So, let’s highlight here six red flags, behaviors that DO NOT help, so that both survivors and helpers can avoid them.

Making everything spiritual

Not everyone pursues a faith-based therapist or helper. But many do, and for good reason. Faith, religion and spirituality are core features of most of the world’s population. So, it makes sense that we seek helpers who also share our values. In addition, trauma almost always creates spiritual struggles and at least temporary discontent with previously accepted beliefs. Voicing those complaints and questions to and about God are essential to the journey of recovery and will determine whether faith helps us cope or becomes added strain.

However, when your helper uses every opportunity to infer a spiritual meaning and application while you wrestle with your pain, this might be a red flag. Pain is pain, confusion is confusion. It is okay to sit with it, voice it repeatedly, and not make some eternal or mystical application. When a counselor is quick to make a reference to spiritual meaning in your story, it means they are likely not really sitting with you in the ashes of your pain. They might not be as wrongheaded as the story of Job’s friends who jumped to accusations of sin, but pressuring you to accept a spiritual answer to the deeply painful why trauma or what now questions often invalidates your pain and misses opportunities for needed lament. Some call this spiritual by-passing.

The premature offering of spiritual answers, no matter how accurate, often add to the pain of the one who is suffering.

Rejecting your faith or the changes in your faith.

While forcing spiritual conversations is problematic, so also is it when our helpers challenge our faith, changes in our faith, or even question why we have a particular faith or religious practice. You might think this problem is only found among pastoral or biblical counselors. However, I have witnessed many licensed mental health professionals also evidence this red flag. Consider some of the lines I have had clients repeat back to me from their former helpers:

  • You can’t believe that about God. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.
  • If you don’t forgive, you will become bitter and miss out on blessings.
  • If you aren’t in church, you are rejecting God’s goodness.
  • Yes your abuse is bad, but God says…
  • Your faith community is toxic. You need to leave this patriarchal religion.

If changes and discontent in our former ways of construing faith is so problematic, then why are there so many psalms of lament in the Bible? These poems express our deep questions and complaints. In Psalm 42 the writer laments how he no longer leads the worship procession and is now full of questions for God. Does God respond and tell him to stop this line of thinking and feeling? No. Instead, if you accept that the Psalms are given to us by God, then such expressions are invited by God as an act of communion.

Emphasizing techniques while missing the relationship.

There are many therapy models out there in use. Some are general models (e.g., Judith Herman’s three phase model of trauma recovery) and others are more regimented or manualized (e.g., Trauma-Focused CBT). In recent years, there has been a proliferation of EMDR certified specialists. And still many more employ various techniques from many models in an eclectic manner.  

When your helper is overly enamored with a particular technique, it can become a problem as they may not be able to recognize when that beloved technique does not help you. When your therapist wants to jump into “doing stuff to you” then it is likely they aren’t really seeing or hearing you. And just because a particular technique has empirical evidence for success, it doesn’t mean it is right for you. Sadly, when a disciple of a model oversells a technique, the real reason may be that it promotes their own sense of competence as a clinician.

When a therapist suggests a course of action or an intervention, do they take time to explain what positive or negative response might happen? Do they find out how you feel about it? Do they check in with you and notice if you are anxious, concerned, or not having a good reaction? If you are flooded during a session (e.g., frozen, overwhelmed, etc.) and your therapist doesn’t seem to notice, show curiosity, or take the time to help you find ground again, you might need to find help elsewhere. If in response to your stress, they fill up the space with more words of explanation or defense, they might not be as trauma sensitive as they need to be.

Pressure to progress, mislabeling your hesitation as refusal.

Therapists love to help people. That is why we do this work. We want to see people get better and we have confidence that healing can and will happen. But sometimes, our motivation to help people also include the hidden desire to feel helpful. This desire can become a demand that the client feels in their bones. “I have to progress and get better or they will become disappointed in me or see me as resistant.”

If you have felt this pressure, take a moment and consider possible roots. Sometimes this fear of being resistant is something the survivor has come to believe about themselves (or, were told by their abusers!). But other times it is a message from their helper. Signs of demands, disgust, irritation, frustration, coercive speech, pouting all point to the possibility that the therapist is communicating to you that you need to get better FOR THEM.

We will explore how to determine if a therapist is right for you in the next post but suffice it to say here, your resistance to an intervention is something to listen to with curiosity. It is the beginning of regaining your voice and power. Instead ask, “What might your hesitation be saying?” Listen to it and don’t immediately judge it. If your therapist does label it as refusal, consider other helpers.   

Therapist talking about self a lot.

Who does most of the talking in your session? You or your therapist? When your therapist talks, is it for the purpose of inviting you to explore your own reflections? Or, when they speak, do they share paragraphs and essays about their work or themselves? How much do they talk about their own experiences? Self-disclosure by the therapist is not always wrong. It can be helpful in tiny doses. But when it happens frequently it often distracts from the work that needs to be done by their client.

Therapy is not the place for therapists to talk about themselves (or to sell their own products). Ask yourself, “do I get to talk about the things that are most important to me during my sessions?”  

Boundary crossings.

Trauma experiences, especially betrayal traumas, often contain boundary violations and maltreatment by someone who was supposed to protect and respect another. When helpers confuse or cross needed boundaries, this can delay healing or cause more harm. What kinds of boundary crossings do I mean? I have witnessed therapists trying to be all things for a client. They are not just the therapist but also become friend, “parent figure,” employer, pastor, landlord, and sadly, sexual partner. This last boundary crossing—sexual and romantic relationships—is always an abuse of power and a violation of the sacred trust of therapy. It is also a criminal act in most jurisdictions and always an ethical breach.

Most crossings are not meant for harm. A client can’t afford therapy so a clinician barters—provides therapy and in re-payment the client performs some work. A client has administrative skills and so the clinician invites the client to help run his or her business. Another client is isolated and so a therapist invites them to their own bible study group. On the surface these might seem mutual and helpful.  But what if the client doesn’t respond well to the therapy? What if the therapist is unhappy with the work completed? What if learning about the personal life of the therapist creates confusion about what is discussed at the next session?

When therapists encourage dual relationships without ample discussion of the possible ramifications, they prioritize their own benefit at the expense of the client’s wellbeing.

I see a red flag, what should I do?

No therapist is perfect, and we all make therapeutic mistakes. It is the response to mistakes that makes all the difference between good and harmful therapies. The question you must ask yourself,

“is it safe to bring up concerns and questions about what happens in therapy?”

Can you talk about the process and raise concerns without your therapist becoming defensive? Most therapists want to provide good care and do not want to do things that harm their clients. So, it stands to reason that many will respond with concern and work with you repair the rupture and find out what works best for you going forward. If, however, you have reason to believe that you will be mis-treated for bringing up a concern, then consider whether it is time to find another therapist.

What comes next?

In our final post of this series, we will explore how to interview for a good therapist and how to determine what model of therapy might be best for you.

For further reading, why do counselors talk about themselves?

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November 29, 2019 · 3:43 pm

Counselor failures: A short series


I recently passed my 29th year anniversary of mental health practice and 18th year as a psychologist. I’m not quite old but also have a few years under my belt. When I first began counseling as a counselor in my very early twenties I was fairly committed to proving my value. I wanted to diagnose problems and offer wise solutions. I’m embarrassed to say that I often thought I could do so in the first 15 minutes of a session. Sometimes I was right, but I can say for sure I hadn’t earned the right to speak. Needless to say, I wasn’t particularly helpful in those early sessions. Thankfully, I learned that if I was going to be helpful I needed to stop worrying about whether I sounded smart and had something valuable to say and instead spend my energy entirely on the work of listening and understanding the person in front of me.

Not listening to clients might be the first and most common failure counselors make. It can happen throughout a session or for just thirty seconds during a momentary lapse of concentration. While beginner counselors may struggle to listen well, seasoned therapists can lose their edge without even recognizing it.

Not listening can happen by means of trying to dictate goals. It can happen when we therapists talk about ourselves. It can happen when we misdiagnose a client. It can happen when we are bored, or irritated, or caught up in our own world of pain.

This little series is dedicated to therapist failures. We’d rather believe that our mistakes are really client resistance or family interference. But as we own our mistakes, we acknowledge that counseling is a human interaction that requires our willingness to evaluate our end of that interaction. While this series is written for mental health practitioners, I suspect clients will also benefit from this look inside, if for no other reason than to identify when they are not feeling heard.

Some related thoughts previously written

I’ve written a couple of blogs recently on related topics. The first is embedded in my last blog,

I’m going to skip over the large problem of counselors pressing for any change whatsoever. (Suffice it to say that pressing a client for forgiveness, confession, reconciliation, or any other action rarely works and more often causes harm. You cannot heal a trauma caused by misuse of power with more force–even if your goal is good.)

https://philipmonroe.com/2019/11/24/some-thoughts-on-when-restoration-hurts/

I will write more on the problem of choosing the wrong goals for counselees–or the problem of choosing goals in the first place. A few months ago I wrote about the problem of choosing reconciliation as a goal.

Some years ago, I wrote this list of common mistakes made by novice counselors.

Come back for the first post exploring the setting of goals in counseling and how not listening leads to the likelihood of failure.

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November 24, 2019 · 5:04 pm

Some thoughts on “When Restoration Hurts”


In case you haven’t seen it, Christianity Today recently published an essay entitled, “When Restoration Hurts: Christian counselors grapple with how to encourage reconciliation while protecting victims.” Not quite an expose, it does detail some of the damage done by biblical counselors pressing victims for forgiveness of and reconciliation with those who abused them.

The essay details some of the experience “Amanda” had, both when looking for help as a 17 year old after sexual abuse by her father had come to light and then later when she brought a complaint against the organization that had certified the counselor. The writer of the essay goes on to describe the landscape of biblical counseling, integrationist counseling, and a new version of Christian psychology before returning to the challenge of what Christian counseling care is available for victims and perpetrators. Of concern in this essay is how the biblical counseling group views the bible’s place in counseling victims of abuse.

Before I make my observations, which will only be a small portion of what could be discussed, I want to give some background. I was first trained by CCEF (mentioned in the article) and worked as a part-time counselor there. I still have many friends at that organization. I’m quite impressed with Darby Strickland’s teaching on abuse in families. I’m acquainted with ACBC (formerly NANC) and know many who have been certified by them. I got my psychological training at Wheaton College and there became good friends with Eric Johnson mentioned in the article and was present for the early days of the Christian Psychology movement. Then, I spent 18 years leading a MA counseling program at a seminary. While this background does not mean I am smarter than anyone else, I repeat here to say I know the people and the conversations well. Over the years I have listened to stories of pain and healing at the hands of counselors from all parts of the professional, biblical, and pastoral counseling worlds.

Some Observations

Here are some thoughts of mine about what problems lie behind the misapplication of spiritual principles in these cases of abuse.

Restoration over protection. When restoration is valued over protection, it can only be for the benefit of the one pressing for restoration. What benefit do they get? They get to feel that God is indeed in control. Why do you think that false prophets told the exiles in Babylon that in 2 years they would be back in the land? Was it to earn money? Doubtful. Was it to appear wise? Maybe. But, most of all, it was likely that in repeating this belief (based on knowledge that God would redeem) they could take comfort now rather than sit in the reality that life was broken and not likely going to be restored in their lifetime.

Misapprehending fruit of repentance. I’m going to skip over the large problem of counselors pressing for any change whatsoever. (Suffice it to say that pressing a client for forgiveness, confession, reconciliation, or any other action rarely works and more often causes harm. You cannot heal a trauma caused by misuse of power with more force–even if your goal is good.) One of the great mistakes counselors make is speaking as if they know the heart of another. In no case is this more true than trying to speak with confidence about those who have a long pattern of deception. Tears, time, nice words are not evidences of a changed heart. It is ironic that those who are caring most about righteousness, who seem to be aware of “bad” fruit of not reconciling with someone who has done harm, appear naive in recognizing that tears and the right words are not evidence of change. For example, if a parent who abuses a child seems wholly focused on return home and to church life, is it possible that they only want the benefits of repentance without the work? Might better evidence be a willingness to die to own desires and to ask, “what do those I harmed most need?” while looking for the answer from others.

I conclude this point noting that those in the biblical counseling tradition have been quite willing to acknowledge the problem of evil and deception in the human heart. It is strange, then that some hold those who resist reconciliation to a tougher standard than they do those who have been harming others in the dark but now claim repentant hearts.

Restoration to what? One disheartening experience mentioned in the essay is when those in power demand that the primary goal of forgiveness is restoration and reconciliation. The essay quotes Heath Lambert, former ACBC head, “the goal in ministry to an abuser–as long as he will receive such ministry–is to see him be restored to his family, and ultimately to Christ.” In Ezekiel 34 God charges the priests of Israel with abusing the people, as shepherds who feed on the sheep. In chapter 44 he announces judgment on these idolatrous priests. He will restore them but only to the work of cleaning up the mess after the sacrifices. They will not be restored to their previous position. Today, the modern equivalent would be for an abusive church leader to be allowed to clean the church and the toilets but not to preach, teach or lead. Lambert is right in desiring to see restoration to Christ but his apparent assumption that the restoration would be to position (family) seems faulty. The goal should be to be present with the perpetrator on their journey rather than focus on the final destination.

Pride is the issue. “…Several victims pointed out the difficulty of knowing when real change [in perpetrators] has happened, and that it was prideful for their counselor to assume they knew the hearts of their abusers.” Pride is one of the greatest sins of counselors and pastors. We think we know the problem/diagnosis and therefore we know the solution. The great trap for spiritual leaders and helpers is that we want to be seen as such.

Do you want to be a leader? Be a servant. In this case, be a student of those you want to help. Learn from them. Stop trying to dictate what they do and how they do it. When we experience pride as therapists we stop asking questions of ourselves, stop evaluating our motives and our hypotheses, stop desiring to learn. This can happen to licensed therapists as well as pastoral counselors. Those who want to work with trauma should ready widely those who have the most experience with trauma–regardless of their religious and philosophical moorings. Those who want to work with people who have abused power ought to learn from those who have worked most closely with patterns of deception. Don’t assume you know something just because you know basic categories of right and wrong. Your pride may be evident to those practiced in deception who will tell you what you want to hear (your greatness) in order for you to do their bidding.

Nothing harms the bible and Christian counseling more than someone with half understanding of basic ideas acting as if their opinions should be taken as pure doctrine. If you are facing a situation where you are wanting either a perpetrator or victim to progress, take a moment and write down what you think their most pressing need is today. Take a moment to listen well and see if they also agree. When pressures mount to get to some destination, resist it. Pray for God to give light to the path today. Let him hold the concern for where the journey ends. For that we can be sure he will be faithful to complete in his timing.

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April 5, 2017 · 6:27 am

Why we need a theology of trauma


[Previously published April 2015 at http://www.biblical.edu. The faculty blog no longer exists there thus re-posting here]

We live in a world shaped by violence and trauma. This week that I write 147 Christian Kenyan university students were killed because of their faith. Such horrific forms of violence shock us. But they shouldn’t given that in our own country violence and trauma are everyday occurrences. While some of our local brothers and sisters face actual death, all of our communities are shaped by soul-crushing abuse and family violence. Take the most conservative numbers we have—1:6 males and 1:4 females have experienced sexual assault before age 18—and realize that a large portion of your friends and acquaintances have traumatic experiences.

In a congregation of 100, 20 of your fellow church members are walking around with invisible wounds of sexual violence on their bodies and souls. And that number says nothing about those walking around with other invisible wounds, such as caused by domestic violence, racial prejudice, sexism, bullying and the like. Were we to include these forms of interpersonal violence the number would likely reach 70!

As my friend Boz Tchividjian asks, what would the sermons and conversations look like if 20 of our mythical congregation of 100 had just lost a house in a fire or a child to premature death? Wouldn’t we be working to build a better understanding of God’s activity in the midst of brokenness rather than passing over pain as a mere hiccup of normal life?

Yet, we continue to imagine trauma as some sort of abnormal state.

Ruard Ganzevoort[1] tells us that, “When one looks at issues like these, we must conclude that our western societies are to no less degree defined by violence and trauma, even if everyday life is in many ways much more comfortable” (p. 13). Thus, Ganzevoort continues, we must “take trauma and violence not as the strange exceptions to an otherwise ‘nice’ world” (ibid, emphasis mine). He concludes that while we have a strong theology for sinners, we have a less articulated theology for victims.

What if we were to read the Bible in such a way to build a theology of trauma for victims? What would it look like? I would suggest that Diane Langberg’s maxim sets the stage quite nicely: the cross is where trauma and God meet. Jesus cries out due to the pain of abandonment by the Father. Since we do have a high priest who understands our trauma (Hebrews 4:15), we can read the entire canon from the frame of trauma—from the trauma of the first sin and death to the trauma of the cross to the trauma just prior to the coming new heavens and earth.

Key Themes in a Theology of Trauma

Reading the Bible through the lens of trauma highlights a few key themes beyond the foundation of a God who Himself knows trauma firsthand in the unjust torture and death of Jesus:

Anguish is the norm and leads most frequently to questions

When more than 40% of the Psalms are laments (and that doesn’t count the primary themes of the prophets!) we must recognize that anguish is most appropriate forms of communication to God and with each other. But we are not alone in the feelings of anguish. God expresses it as well. Notice God expresses his anguish over the idolatry of Israel (Eze 6:9) and Jesus expresses his when lamenting over Israel (Luke 13:34) and cries out in questions when abandoned by the Father (by quoting—fulfilling—Psalm 22).

Despised and rejected, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.

Peace happens…in context of chaos

Psalm 23 comes to the lips of many during times of trouble as it expresses peace and rest during times of intense trouble. Shadows of death yet comfort; enemies around yet feasts. Peace happens but rarely outside of chaos and distress. Consider Jeremiah 29:11, frequently quoted to those going through hardship to remind them that God has a plan. He does have one, but recall that the plan was to live in exile among those who see the Israelites as foreigners and second-class citizens!

The kingdom of God in the present does not promise protection of bodies

Try reading Psalm 121 aloud among those who have survived genocide or been raped repeatedly by soldiers. “The Lord will keep you from all harm.” Really? You lost 70 family members? You cannot maintain your bladder continence due to traumatic injury to your bladder? Where was your protection? Our theology of God’s care must take into consideration that He does not eliminate disaster on those he loves. Recall again the trauma wrought on those God chose to be his remnant. They were the ones ripped from families and enslaved by the Babylonians.

God and his people are in the business of trauma prevention, justice, and mercy responses

The kingdom of God is not for those who have pure beliefs. The kingdom of God is for the poor in Spirit, the persecuted, those who provide mercy and those who hunger for justice (Matthew 5). True or pure religion is practiced by those who care for the most vulnerable among us (James 1:27). Jesus himself is the fulfillment of healing as he claims Isaiah 61 as fulfilled in his personhood and mission (Luke 4:18-21). We his people are the hands and feet to carry out that binding up and release from oppression.

Recovery and renewal during and after trauma likely will not eliminate the consequences of violence until the final return of Jesus Christ

Despite our call to heal the broken and free those enslaved, we are given no promise that the consequences of violence are fully removed until the final judgment. Rarely do we expect lost limbs to grow back or traumatic brain injuries to be erased upon recovery from an accident. Yet sometimes we assume that traumatic reactions such as startle responses, flashbacks, or overwhelming panic should evaporate if the person has recovered. A robust theology of trauma recognizes we have no promise of recovery in this life. What we do have is theology of presence. God is with us and will strengthen us guiding us to serve him and participate in his mission to glory.

There is much more to say about a theology of trauma for victims. We can discuss things like theodicy, forgiveness, restorative justice, and reconciliation. But for now, let us be patient with those who are hurting as they represent the norm and not the exception. And may we build a missional theology of trauma, not only for victims, but also for all.

[1] Ganzeboort, R. Ruard (2008). Teaching that Matters: A Course on Trauma and Theology. Journal of Adult Theological Education, 5:1, 8-19.

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December 16, 2016 · 11:15 pm

Over-confidence? Under-confidence? Assessing counselor tendencies


Every counselor desires to be effective, to handle client concerns and problems with competency. We do this work because we long to see others recover quickly and we do not want to get in the way of needed and desired growth. Early career counselors often feel out of their league and so seek out all the help they can get: supervision, books, essays, and peer-consultation. This is the proper way to learn and become better at our craft.

But what happens when we begin to feel competent and confident? Do we stop feeling needy? Stop seeking input? If we do stop pursuing growth and increased competency, skills and capacities will erode. We might think all is well, we’ve got this under control, but in reality we would enter dangerous territory. Imagine wanting to be an Olympic athlete and yet forgoing training.

Erosion happens.

So, should we want to feel less competent? No. The goal is not to feel ineffective nor to lack confidence in what we do. I would not want a second-guessing surgeon to operate on me. Rather, it is important to maintain regular (not obsessive!) self-examination and invitation to others to give you input and feedback.

For the possibly under-confident counselor:

Where do you feel you need help, are less competent than you would like? What are your common responses to that feeling? Who have you talked to about this problem? Where have you sought help? What continuing education have you completed? While it is good to get help to “know what to do” don’t forget that a large portion of therapeutic success is attributed to who you are in the session. Be sure to focus on your listening, and “bearing-witness” skills. Remember to be a student of the client.

For the possibly over-confident counselor:

Do you still have supervision? If not, why not? Look over your caseload. Who are you working with who you have not reviewed assessment, diagnosis and treatment plans with another (note: peer supervision can be done without revealing confidential or private information)? When was the last time you verbalized your case conceptualizations with a critical eye to the potential myopia that plagues us all? What continuing education have you completed that can revise and improve your skills?  While relationship-building skills are the most important, do not stop learning and growing in knowledge and understanding.

It is good to remember that  our skills WILL erode without attention, just like muscles with grow flabby without exercise. One such muscle for the Christian counselor is that of prayer. Consider your recent counseling activities and ask how prayer has fit into your work. Is it a perfunctory or an afterthought? Does is change depending on how you feel about your competency? What does it reveal about your therapeutic operating system (e.g., what is the source of power to change?)

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October 15, 2016 · 4:26 pm

Entering into the Emotions of Others: Thoughts by Winston Smith


Winston Smith delivered an extraordinary plenary about how we enter into the pain of others. He began by telling the story from Good Will Hunting, an exchange between the Matt Damon character and his therapist, Robin Williams. The exchange illustrated the difference between having loads of knowledge about love or hurt and a true experience of love (or hurt). Knowledge knows nothing in comparison to experience. Winston then talked about an early counselor experience he had where he listened to a person’s pain but only critiqued it rather than entering in. He acknowledged the danger of biblical counselors to whip out a 3 trees chart and assessing them, thereby invalidating their experiences of pain. 

Instead, he suggest a better path

  1. Enter in. Really listen to them. Don’t imagine how you would feel in that situation as that will cause you to think and respond to yourself, not to the concerns and needs of the one who you want to help.
  2. Connect to their experience. Don’t go first to fixing or giving perspective. That can be helpful in the right time. When you are trying to connect, that is NOT the right time.
  3. Care. Let their grief become yours. Caring does not mean agreeing. And when you see strong responses or biases, we start to think that care means to correct. There is something true enough that you can start with their experience. 

(By the way, I find most first year counseling students really believe they are ready and willing to do these. But here’s where the challenge lies. You sit with someone and they begin telling you their pain. You convey a few connecting and caring responses and then after 5 minutes, you have nothing else to say. You are already wanting to comfort, give perspective, gently correct. We really do struggle with sitting with another’s pain. It makes us uncomfortable)

There is a cost to entering in. It will cost you your comfort. 

These 3 steps are quite hard even as they are simple. They are skills to be learned, but Winston reminds us that it is mostly hard because of something within. Why hard? You have to connect to something inside yourself that enables you to connect with them. You need to connect to fear, to grief, to despair, to rage. It will cost you something to do this well. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable. 

So why would we do this? Sincere love calls us to enter in. It isn’t just a motive; love is a person. We can do this because we know and are connected to Jesus. His nature is love, willing to leave his comfort zone and enter into the world of another. He becomes one of us. Want to give the same love to others? Experience God’s entering into your world. 

He ended with 1 John 4:12: No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. So enter in with boldness. 

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October 15, 2016 · 11:13 am

What to do with our emotions? #CCEF16 


Continuing a summary of the Emotions conference, CCEF faculty member Alisdair Groves presented two plenary talks having to do with our emotions. In the first he defined emotions as the expression of what we value, desire, even worship. Our emotions are ours and they are complex responses to our histories. However, they are windows into what is most important to us. 

In the second plenary he asked what we can do with our emotions. Before giving suggestions as to what to do with our emotions he suggested two unhelpful responses: deify them or deny them. The larger culture may over-value our emotions as our self, but Groves feels the church can do this as well by expecting spiritual highs (“amped”) all the time and that life in the valley is a sign of a problem. The flip side is a stoic response, stiff upper lip. He reminded the audience that both extremes do have a valid point but skew in the wrong direction. 

So, what to do? Engage our emotions. Note he did not suggest we change them, vent them, or embrace them. More specifically, he made a couple points:

  1. Engage your body. Take care of it. Eat and sleep well. You will be better able to engage your negative emotions when you are your physical best. He quoted someone who said, “eating is the most over-used anti-depressant while exercise is the most under-used anti-anxiety tool.” 
  2. Engage your emotions in the Lord. He gave several dos and don’ts. Don’t vent. Don’t stew. Do bring your pain to God. Do connect with others over your pain and ask for their help, do insert Scripture and other goods into your life (like turning on a faucet of good clean water). Do repent. Not so much repent of your negative emotions but bring them to God and recognize you need to repent of those things that are not of God (e.g., bitterness, unforgiveness).

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Question for you: Do our emotions only show what we love/worship/value? (Note, I do not believe this is what Alisdair was teaching the audience!)

If I am attacked and react in fear, does this show what I worship? Or does it show I value my life and my dominion is being stolen from me? I think Alisdair is right in that often our emotions do reveal our assumptions, perceptions, and yes, our values. But I believe and I think he would believe that emotions reveal our humanness AND our imaging of God’s emotions as well. They reveal the good and bad of relationships. I would argue that emotions are to be (a) listened to, (b) accepted, and (c) evaluated from the vantage point of life in Christ. Now, that last phrase, life in Christ, needs great unpacking. It would be easy to make that mean something like, “since Jesus has saved you, your negative emotions have no place here. In everything give thanks.” That would not be an accurate picture of what I mean by Life in Christ. Life in Christ with the hope of heaven does not deny what is broken in the life. It REQUIRES lament, confusion, anger, jealousy, even as it requires hope, joy, peace, and comfort. So, our emotions reveal something about ourselves and something about God and the world he has made. 

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October 14, 2016 · 12:16 pm

Emotions in the face of suffering: Thoughts by Joni Eareckson Tada


“Most people think that living with quadriplegia is overwhelming. And it is.” Speaking at #CCEF16, she says this even as she says that now, nearly 50 years later, she would not give up her intimacy and depth in Christ, deepened through suffering, in order to walk. How do we bring these two opposing experiences together.

Joni tells us there are 1 billion disabled people in the world, most living in the developing world–people who are at greatest risk of being abused, neglected, and not protected. 

She spoke of her chronic pain that grew over the years and exploded in the mid 2000s and how it robbed her of joy and capacity to do the work she wanted to do. “It (the pain) made my quadriplegia a walk in the park.” “I know I am under the sovereignty of God but now his sovereignty seemed so scary.” “My depression lifted the day I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.” She said this with a smile, “Oh God, you might be taking me home now.” 

“I knew in my head that God is sovereign and that I trust him. Why can’t my emotions fall in line?” She then used the idea that in this life we experience “splashovers” of hell and “splashovers of heaven.” “There is nothing more sweet than finding Jesus in your moment of hell.” Pain tends to bring us into self-focus. But when we see the affliction of Jesus on the cross, our focus is changed. It doesn’t mean we no longer suffer but that our suffering done in and with Christ, “no longer afraid of it.” There is comfort in the promises of God even in the dark seasons. 

How can counselors convince others that Jesus is enough even if the pain is not able to be fixed? We start by counseling with compassion (being with them in their pain and suffering). When the sufferer sees they have a place in the body of Christ, that they are not isolated, this is of great importance. Spiritual community helps the sufferer to accept the pain as their own. God never intended us to suffer alone. Together, healing begins. We don’t just declare God is over all suffering, we demonstrate it through deep relationships. 

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Someone who knows suffering can say things that many able-bodied people cannot say, or cannot be heard to say. Joni’s voice is prophetic for the Church. She calls us to walk with those with disabilities rather than avoid. May we listen. May be validate their pain first as we sit with them. May we never tired to hear of their difficulties. May we never put our need for assurance that “everything will turn out right” ahead of their need to be heard and loved. 

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October 14, 2016 · 10:08 am

Feeling Bad about Feeling Bad? 


This morning, Winston Smith of CCEF faculty opened the #CCEF16 conference on this topic. A few days ago I wrote about the toxicity of ruminating on negative thoughts and feelings. We often struggle even more when we berate ourselves for our reactions to life.

Winston began by asking the audience how they feel about their painful feelings. He noted that how we feel about our emotional experiences shape how we experience emotions. He finds feeling bad about feeling bad is especially problematic for Christians as they often feel that their negative things should not amount to much in light of the cross of Jesus Christ. If my anxiety only means that I don’t believe and trust God then I can only suffer more. It becomes an “inescapable feedback loop.”

If the Gospel itself only becomes a cause for greater shame and guilt, then something is off, says Smith. Instead, Smith says, “our negative emotions are designed to deepen our relationship with Christ and with each other.”

Winston took the time to look at Jesus’ emotional expression at Lazarus death (and soon to be resurrection). Jesus loses it. He is in anguish. This emotional distress reveals his divinity not merely his humanity. Notice that the good purpose of Lazarus’ death it doesn’t removed Jesus’ anguish. “What would biblical counselors say to Jesus as he wept? ‘I know Jesus that you are feeling bad but this is going to be for the good.’ Jesus is not having a moment of doubt…no, he is coming face to face with the brokenness of this world and all that it will cost him…and he is emotional and he weeps.”

Therefore, being image bearers of God require us that we experience and name negative emotions, especially in light of our experience of injustice and brokenness. And the more in tune we are with the glory and love of God we ought to feel intensification of negative feelings in response to things that are not right. We could even say that we have a calling to have negative emotions.

Jesus chose to enter into Mary and Martha’s pain. That is what love does. He concluded by telling a story about a man with a child with a serious medical problem. The man was somewhat sheepish that he felt anger, fear and helpless when the daughter was having a crisis. Winston asked, “what are you going to do for my friend? Are you going to try to fix it? No, We shouldn’t try to fix his feelings.” Let’s move beyond the “repent and repress” response to our negative emotions.

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This is the opening plenary and there will be more to come. One of the areas I hope they cover is the skill of validating and sitting with the negative emotions of others. This is hard to do but an essential skill, first in order to comfort and be present with others in their pain. Second, as we learn to sit with the pain of others, we can also help teach others to be okay with their emotional experiences. The more we accept, the more we can then choose how we want to respond.

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October 13, 2016 · 6:35 am

Emotions: Why do we demean them so?


This morning I am on my way to represent my school at CCEF’s annual conference. This year the topic is “Emotions: Engaging the Expressions of our Heart.” I’ll try to post some reflections of what I hear throughout the conference.

Truth be told, emotions have gotten little consideration in the biblical/Christian counseling world. When I was a Westminster student back in the late 80s/early 90s David Powlison wrote an essay called “Crucial Issues in Biblical Counseling.” I recall one of those crucial issues to be that of developing a more robust theology of emotions. Nearly 30 years later, we still need that work to be done in evangelical circles. I’m hoping to hear some of that this week.

We evangelicals have prized thinking over feeling, as if one is less biased or less “fallen” than the other. This is not new. Early Christians worked to clarify the personhood of Jesus and shut down false views. The protestant reformation was intended to correct errors in thinking and belief that had infiltrated the Church. Thus, belief and repetition of those beliefs have been prized over listening to emotions. Right thinking is even prized, sadly, over right behavior.

One of the negative results of this problem for Christian counselors is the temptation to invalidate the feelings and experience of clients. Most counselors assume their helpful, gently corrective responses will bring a level of comfort and reduction in emotional pain. Far too frequently, the client is left feeling more alone and upset–even when they know the counselor as spoken truth. Why? Consider this made up exchange and see how you would feel if you were the client.

Client: [who feels that many overlook her competencies] I can’t believe my sister did that to me. Why would she be so hurtful and cut me out of my mother’s birthday celebration planning? I feel so rejected.

Counselor: You know, some people are like that. Really, you shouldn’t be bothered by her. Hasn’t she done this before to others? Be thankful that you didn’t have to do all that planning.

Does thinking or emotions have to trump the other? We are designed to think and feel, to experience our world through emotions and thoughts; each informing the other.

Here’s how we would know we are making headway:

  1. We stop trying to talk people out of their feelings. We start listening to what our feelings can tell us about ourselves and our world
  2. We worry less that emotional experiences are biased. We know they are but still recognize them as real experiences of the world.
  3. We look more for corrective emotional experiences than assuming that thinking always changes feeling.
  4. We know that God cares about our painful feelings and so we bring them to God, knowing that He too has felt sadness, jealousy, anger, and angst. He has compassion on us and offers us opportunities to see him in the midst of the struggle.

Sure, our feelings are not always (ever?) accurate. They need correction. They need perspective that God, Scripture, and wise friends can give. But rather than starting out with pointing out emotional or logic errors in our counselees, how about we get down in the mud and share in the experience as we walk together.

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