October 17, 2009 · 12:23 pm

The most important counselor capacity


Okay, so really there are a number of important counselor qualities and skills. You have to be able to be quiet and listen, to have good questions, and comments, to be able to follow a line of thinking, to have some idea of a goal, etc. But, maybe the most important quality is the ability to be self-reflective. Reflexive responses may be useful (these come from the gut) but they can be dangerous in that we have little thought and review of these kinds of responses.

At the retreat today I suggested that the unexamined life may create more opportunity for damage in counseling than the lack of knowledge of how to help a person. We may assume that our “truth-telling” capacity is good when it is really merely harsh. We may assume our “listening” skills are good when really, we are hiding from dealing with the big pink elephant in the room. We may think our advice and information is very important when really it merely exists to show off what we know.

We looked at Galatians 6:1f where we are called to help others by restoring gently, carrying burdens, and watching our own lives closely. (I got this from Paul Tripp some years ago). This passage shows where we may fail to care well for others.

Of course, there is also the danger of the over-examined life. Such a life leads to rumination, anxious second-guessing, and paralysis by analysis.

Retreat is going well, but wet and cold…

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October 16, 2009 · 12:28 pm

Retreats


Going on a retreat today with my students this weekend. Sadly, it will be a beautiful spot but rainy and cold. Could be worse, it could snow…

Retreats are to be a time away and a time to reflect. But usually retreats are filled with sounds, with information, with relating. All good, but I’m not sure that many retreats really give people too much time to reflect.

We’ve given our students down time and reflection time in the midst of some group teaching. Of course, they can choose to use it to do homework or social things–both worthwhile–but those activities might not build reflection…

I’d be curious what any of you have done on a retreat (with other people–not a silent retreat) that was really helpful in getting you to reflect on your life. What worked for you? What didn’t work?

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October 15, 2009 · 5:03 am

Vernick on Domestic Violence.


Leslie Vernick wrote a nice summary posting on domestic violence at http://www.christianpsych.org. Read her comments here. She reminds us the truth about domestic violence and how Christians ought to respond to it.

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October 14, 2009 · 5:45 am

Do you know your women heroes of the faith?


Robert Kellemen and Susan Ellis have recently published a book, Sacred Friendships: Celebrating the Legacy of Women Heroes of the Faith (BMH Custom Books, 2009). If you are not familiar with your church history OR if you are but never studied the strong women of Christian history then you may find this book right up your alley. As you probably know, most history classes and/or texts tell the “great men” story–the story of the major players who changed the course of history. There’s Augustine, Martin Luther, Charles Wesley, Charles Spurgeon, and many more. But what of their wives. And what of other great female leaders in the church–and even those never known by any more than a handful?

Kellemen and Ellis tell the stories of a host of women of faith–often times using their own words. They start with Vibia Perpetua (know from an early manuscript) arrested in 202 AD and include other women from the early church. One of the first things you notice reading the book is that these women are real. They have real emotions, real concerns, questions, and longings. Having read many early church works, I can vouch that these female voices provide some realism while many of the male voices contained in early texts focus on theological concerns.

After covering several church mothers, these authors go on to cover “desert mothers” (e.g., prayer warrior Amma Theodora; spiritual leader, Marcella), writer/mentor mothers like Dhuoda (803-843), and a host of other medieval Christian women–both well-known and relatively unknown.

There are also chapters on reformation and puritan women. But my personal favorite is chapter 12 which is about African American women of faith. In particular the authors tell the story of Elizabeth Keckley, dressmaker, confidant, and counselor to Mary Todd Lincoln. There are numerous quotations from Lincoln and Keckley showing their tremendous love and support for each other. Based on their material here, it is not an understatement to say that Keckley provided the comfort for Mary after Abraham’s assassination that enabled her to not fall into suicidal despair.

I commend this book to you if you long for a taste of the story of female Christian leaders and supporters of leaders. They footnote the book well so you can find your own way to their original sources to drink more deeply should you so choose.

Check this link out for their Amazon.com page and 4 positive reviews.

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October 13, 2009 · 5:21 am

Fear and trust hand in hand?


This week I’ll be speaking to a group of counselors about complex PTSD. One of the hallmarks of C-PTSD is the combination of chronic relational fear AND chronic shame/guilt over having said fear. It manifests itself as, “I’m afraid of you but I know it’s my fault for being afraid.” (NOTE: the reverse is not necessarily true: that those who have chronic fears, trust problems, and self-condemnation have PTSD or C-PTSD.) My focus at that training will be on this question: How do you lead someone (in therapy) in the repetitive work of “Do not give in to fear”?

On Sunday, Tim Lane of CCEF preached a sermon about fear and disappointment. In that sermon he mentioned our propensity to “flail ourselves”–assuming that we must be doing something wrong–if we experience fear. Instead of focusing on the experience, we ought to examine our responses to fear. Do we shut down? Do we believe that we are alone and isolated? Do we turn inward and act only in self-interest?

He gave us this quote from CS Lewis (Screwtape Letters): “The act of cowardice is all that matters, the emotion of fear is, in itself, no sin.”

Here’s my question: Is it possible to be afraid and to trust nonetheless without much reduction in the level of fear? Don’t we assume that if we act in a trusting way that our fears should abate? Especially in light of trusting God? Is it possible to trust God fully and yet fear? What might such fear and trust together look like? If we could do both at the same time, would it reduce inappropriate self-condemnation?

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October 12, 2009 · 12:21 pm

On political and marital fights


Recently presented on the matter of marital conflict. On the way home I had a vigorous (and fun!) political debate with a colleague. I came to the realization that there are many similarities between both conflicts. Conflict is almost always about power with the particular issues (or the content of the conflict) a very distant second. We take positions because we see the dangerousness of the other person’s position or direction (and our loss of power). For example, if we follow our spouse’s financial behaviors, we’ll end up in the poor house. If we allow Obama to make decisions, he’ll ruin America. And just like in marital conflicts, we ascribe intent–he WANTS to destroy us all.

What I notice is that while we barely admit our own failings, we love to play out the failings of our opponent/spouse. Obama is taking advantage of a financial crisis to get some of his interests cared for (which of course fails to acknowledge that Bush got the Patriot Act because of a crisis). We could easily say the same in reverse.

My colleague and I most definitely agree on some things–that most politicians are narcissists, that they are more interested in winning than cooperating for the greater good. Truth be told, marital conflict has some similarities. Being heard, getting the other to acknowledge our points may be more important to us than finding a common bond.

It should surprise us that these similarities exist. Since Eden, we’ve been fighting for position and power.

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October 9, 2009 · 9:06 am

Christian slander


How easy it is to slander other Christians, to paint them in the worst possible light. We see something out of place in someone’s life and repeat that story to others. While it may be a true story, does it really capture them in totality? Does it provide the best review of their value and personhood? What do we gain by repeating these true but incomplete stories?

In my world, it is very easy to do this with public figures. I find myself tempted to do so when I see a public figure giving a terrible lecture or training. I want to point out their superficiality, their mis-representation of either psychology or christianity. And while I do believe there ought to be room for critique and wise review of public works, it is easy to cross the line into slander.

How do you evaluate whether you are giving a careful critique or have lapsed into slander? APA format in writing allows us to make a statement about another and conclude it with a “citation.” For example, “Monroe (2009) believes that Christianity and psychology are one and the same.” Note that I do not even need to give real evidence in my citation. I only have to cite an entire book. You can take me at face value and conclude I’m a lunatic.

Where I struggle is when I am critiquing with substance what I believe to be a problem in someone’s work, how do I do so without vilifying their entire body of work. Someone may indeed write heresy. I can call it out but does the reader get the impression that I believe that everything the person has said is suspect? The same goes for a preacher who is later discovered to have been in an affair. Does this invalidate his prior sermons?

Tough questions. Few answers. My impression is that it is so easily possible to do good and do evil at the same time. That our motives in pointing out others’ mistakes are of utmost importance. So, I can be right in my critique and entirely wrong in my doing it.

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October 6, 2009 · 10:41 pm

Pastors at risk


Today I’m in Virginia Beach at Regent U. to help flesh out the details of a 2 year qualitative study of at-risk pastors and spouses. One question: what (besides free room/meals) would make them interested in coming and revealing their at-risk natures.

The ride down yesterday was a joy. Well, it was long, but the Eastern shore of MD is like going back to the 50s. Old buildings with rusted out coca cola signs on the roadside. It is like a trip through the rural south. There are little pentecostal churches scattered along the road. Farms. Rusted out cars. I saw cotton growing (a first for me).

Crossing the bay bridge provided a refreshing sight and smell. The sky was a cloudy steel blue and the water was greenish blue and capped with white. Gorgeous! While I wasn’t looking forward to the long drive, it turned out to be a quiet day with my thoughts; even restful!

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October 6, 2009 · 9:48 pm

Check out my podcast on sexual addiction


CCEF is giving away my talk last year at their annual conference on sexual addiction. You can listen to it her: http://www.ccef.org/counseling-strategies-individuals-addictions

I’ll be back there this November to talk about another sex topic: when sex in marriage doesn’t work. No, I don’t have it on the brain, it was their request and conference title….well, I guess that doesn’t exonerate me afterall.

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October 5, 2009 · 5:50 am

Of foxholes and diners


Men in foxholes and diners change.

Old men hobble to the diner this morning tapping their knotty canes along the walk; their faces tired and haggard. No joy.

But at their table they become young boys, teenagers really, but with deeper laughs, knowing looks, wise insights and experience lines on their faces. They eat their toast and jive ’bout “II” and “Korea.”

White and Black, brothers all. Foxholes will make men brothers and differences recede. Diners keep them together and inject vitality.

Crazy stories: showers once a week, using teletype, warming food on a truck engine.

“Remember when…we fooled that teacher…his sister got killed…we hung out on the corner…we could buy a whole bag of candy with a quarter…we hopped the train…”

Sprinkled between these stories are remembrances of friends no longer with him,”He’s dead, she’s sick, he’s lost his mind.”

The coffee’s drunk, the bill paid. On the street now they’re just some old forgotten men, a retiree, a social security check, a grandfather making due with a fixed income. But at the diner they are brothers, men of wisdom and power–a generation of courage who gave for our freedoms.

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