February 12, 2013 · 11:17 pm

Help and Hope For Porn Addiction: 2 Questions


Recently, I made a presentation to a group of men about the problem of porn use/addiction. It proved to be a lively conversation and I didn’t get an opportunity to get through all of the content. Below are 2 questions I was asked. Consider these answers:

  • What is wrong with watching porn with my wife? We both enjoy it and it spices up our sex life?

Besides the clear command to avoid all sexual immorality and to not lust after another? Supposing you want more than that here are some additional thoughts. God has given us imagination as a tool to be used for our good and our pleasure. Therefore, it stands to reason that imagination is highly important in the bedroom. However, it should be used as a tool to honor each other and to promote oneness. As soon as our eyes our off our spouse (whether in a literal sense or a figurative sense), we are seeking to use another for our sexual pleasure. Porn necessarily brings images of others into your bedroom thus moving away from reality and oneness. The images porn uses are not accurate or real and only encourages disappointment in the real thing.

And may I note that I have only heard this question from men. Given my experience of hearing so many wives who have been hurt by their husband’s interest in bringing porn into their own lovemaking, I am suspicious that the wife enjoys it as much as might be thought. At the end of your lovemaking and/or porn use, does she feel special? Does she feel honored? Does she feel she cannot measure up to what is not the screen?

Despite the injunction against porn use by Christians, do not take this to mean that the sex life of Christians must be boring. Seeking to satisfy the pleasures of your spouse gives ample room for creative fun in the bedroom.

  •  How long can I enjoy looking at [name of well-known female star]  and not begin to lust? Is it always wrong to enjoy female beauty?

Of course there is no specific answer that can be given as to how many nano-seconds are pure and at what point the look ogle turns lustful.  Is it possible to enjoy beauty in a person not your spouse? Yes. I would suggest that it is impossible not to notice beauty when you see it. However, I would quickly add that some forms of beauty are more likely to turn lustful in a split second. Noticing Beyoncé’s lovely singing voice probably won’t turn to lust. Noticing her Super Bowl attire…that is another matter.

Here’s what I would like you to consider. The question you are asking, “how long can I look before sinning” may reveal a dangerous motive. It seems that you might be asking, how close can I get to the cliff without falling over? Is it okay to have one foot on solid ground but lean over the edge? Can you see the danger in this thinking? Instead, we ought to humbly recognize that it is easy for us to move from momentary admiration to fantasy. It is good to accept that we will notice beauty and that we must guard our very next thought.

One more thought for you. While noticing beauty is part of who God has made you, is it possible that you have well-trained yourself to search for beauty? Is your head on a swivel? Have you long practiced taking the second and third look? If so, then you are likely not merely noticing beauty but actively looking for images you can use for your own fantasy.  

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February 1, 2013 · 11:00 am

Mistakes we make when responding to minor false accusations


Picture this. You are a manager. One of your subordinates, John, accuses you of playing favorites–giving more opportunities for development and promotion to one person and intentionally ignoring the one making the accusation. You absolutely believe the accusation is baseless due to a misunderstanding of workflow and skill sets.

What would be your usual response? Explain? Pull the, “I’m the authority here, I do what I think is right” card? Silence and an eye roll? I imagine most of us choose the explain option. If feels right that we should clarify the misunderstanding.

Why is explaining wrong?

Let me clarify. Explaining isn’t necessarily a sin (though it could be). Surprisingly it rarely helps the situation when offered first. Why is this?

  1. Pointing out the facts as you see them almost always sounds like a defense
  2. Defenses (AKA explanations) rarely address the root concern of the other leaving them feeling unheard

A better way

Contrary to our natural tendency to defend against an attack, the best strategy is to validate the concerns of the other. If the employee is concerned they are getting passed over (and you can imagine they have been feeling this for a long while when they finally speak it to you), your explanation of the facts does NOTHING to address their concerns. A loving, Spirit-empowered response will take to heart their fears. “John, I bet you’ve been feeling this for some time. It is important to me that I hear and understand what you are feeling. I do not want you having the impression that you are not valued. I would be happy to explain why Lisa got the new position and how I see your future here. Can we set a time to talk about this tomorrow?”

One of the reasons we don’t validate others first is that we fear our own view of the facts will be swallowed up in the opinions of others. In addition we fear that validation will be heard as agreement. Be wary of these feelings. In fact, when you give the accuser the chance to state their concerns/case first (and do so in a way that they feel heard), your own views are much more likely to be heard.

Now, if only I could employ this technique with better success (on my part) with my teenaged boys! If you don’t know already, such a simple technique of validation requires a massive dose of humility and self-sacrificial love. You cannot do this in your own strength!

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January 31, 2013 · 6:37 pm

Could surprise divorce cause PTSD?


A former student (HT Armando!) sent me this link today about a woman who experienced PTSD like symptoms after receiving an out-of-the-blue text from her husband telling her he was leaving and divorcing her.

She experienced flashbacks, nightmares, became hyper-alert to dangers, unable to sleep and other such symptoms that are common to PTSD. She did not have an actual or perceived threat on her life–a necessary requirement for the current diagnosis of PTSD. However, she did seem to respond to the surprising evidence that her husband had deceived her for some time as having been “sleeping with the enemy.”

This question for you is whether you think it harms those who suffer classic PTSD (i.e., those who do experience a threat on their life) to lump them together with those who have similar symptoms from non-life threatening trauma. Yes? No?

I have observed pastors in significant conflict with church leaders exhibit PTSD like symptoms. I have observed individuals who learn in late adolescence or adulthood that their parents were actually adoptive parents. It appears that some of the same symptoms exhibited by those who experienced rapes, car crashes, or war trauma show up in some individuals whose world is turned upside down by another’s deception and duplicity.

So I ask the question again: What is gained or lost by expanding PTSD diagnosis to include those with similar symptoms but without the threat of physical injury or death?

Here’s one gain and loss for someone having this kind of divorce reaction. Those who have the symptoms without the physical threats may find some comfort in knowing their reactions are had by many others. However, I would imagine that most of these same people may find their symptoms abate more quickly than that of those who see actual death and destruction. Thus, a diagnosis of PTSD may end up hurting them due to an over-estimation of recovery time needed.

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January 26, 2013 · 11:03 am

“Schizophrenic and Successful”? What are the factors in success?


This recent New York Times Opinion Page essay is written by Law Professor, Elyn Saks. She tells a bit about her diagnosis of Schizophrenia years ago and her fight against those who thought that she would not amount to much. While we shouldn’t assume that everyone who struggles with delusions and hallucinations will rise to Dr. Saks level of accomplishments, we should take note where we give in to hopelessness when someone we love receives such a similar diagnosis. Such hopelessness will surely hamper our loved one’s prognosis for recovery.

There are two important factors that predict both recovery from mental illness and future recurrence of symptoms.

  1. Acceptance of diagnosis and treatment compliance
  2. Absence of family and social stressors

These factors are found in nearly all forms of mental illness, but especially pertinent for depression, mania, and psychotic disorders. When a person accepts the existence of a problem and commits to a treatment strategy, they are likely to be more cognizant of the signs and symptoms re-appearing and therefore willing to seek additional help. When medications create irritating side effects, the committed person will either find ways to tolerate these irritations or work with their doctor to find alternative treatments.

The absence or minimization of family stress requires the family or community to not behave in ways that exacerbate the problem. The family must also accept the limitations and not act in ways that place unrealistic expectations on the patient. This of course requires a great deal of sacrifice–on top of existing grief and loss over relationships that will not be what they could be (e.g., caretaking a spouse with mania, supporting an adult child who needs a sheltered environment). This means releasing the demand for the patient to reciprocate empathy or have insight about their impact on the family. Still further, when we loved ones maintain a hopeful perspective–identifying a patient’s value, capacity, and possibility for a future–we offer that person the greatest chance for success.

For some, success may mean being able to hold down a steady cashier job. For others, success may mean staying out of the hospital. Still others may rise to Dr. Saks level of success in academia. If you have a family member who suffers with mental illness, work hard to see them beyond their illness and evaluate their current capacities (rather than by their best or worst day). Oh, and be sure to find someone to talk to. Your family member isn’t the only one who needs help coping with a difficult world!

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January 23, 2013 · 5:57 am

The cure for mental weariness?


Check out this thought by George Matheson, a blind 19th c. Scottish Presbyterian minister:

What a strange cure for mental weariness…I should have expected an invitation to mental rest….The weariness of the body is cured by slumber, but the weariness of the mind can be cured only by stimulus.

He said this as he was meditating on Hebrews 12:3 (Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart). He suggests that an active meditational life on the work of Jesus will help promote rest and protect from mental weariness.

Quote found in Leaves for Quiet Hours, p. 141 (1904)

[reblogged; first published 2/8/07]

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January 22, 2013 · 5:19 am

A Danger in Christian Counseling Theory?


The faculty blog at Biblical Seminary (where I teach) has published an edited version of an older post here on this site. If you like cheeky titles, try this on for size:

Christian Counseling Theory and the Bible: A Dangerous Mix?

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January 21, 2013 · 5:45 am

The Christian Counselor’s Greatest Temptation?


Ask any beginning counselor and they will tell you that the one thing they most want to know is, “What do I say? What do I do?”

No one gets into the world of Christian counseling just to see messes. No, we take up the work because we want to see people recover life and health. But with the desire to see others get well, we also face the large temptation to push people into places of health. We want to tell people what to do

  • For those we find disagreeable or resistant: We want to tell them the full extent of their problems (rip the bandages off and make them see!)
  • For those we have compassion: We want to tell them it will be all right
  • For those we see are stuck: We want to tell them specific steps to wellness
  • For those we find to be much like us: We want to tell them they are doing just fine

Telling, exhorting, (or less nice words: cajoling, forcing, pushing) is a great temptation for every counselor. We want to impart our wisdom. We want to feel good by solving other people’s problems. We want others to experience our successes or our love for the Bible.

What does Jesus know and do?§

Do you find it odd that Jesus asks the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” Do you think Jesus didn’t know what he wanted? Or what about Jesus’ question, “Who touched me?” after the woman touched the hem of his garment. Did he not already know? We see that Jesus frequently uses the form of question in order to draw out the heart and mind of the person seeking help.

Do you want to be well? Where are your accusers? Where is your husband? Whose image is on this coin? When you went into the desert, what did you go to see? Where is your faith?

While we I don’t intend to argue that Jesus’ question asking somehow makes a rule for us, I do intend to argue that questions are more likely to lead to the client’s active engagement of a topic than telling them the conclusion. When we listen to others tell us values, facts, ideas, it is easy to slip into a passive acceptance or passive neutral stance. But when asked a question, we who answer more frequently engage the question.

§These biblical passages were discussed by Rev. Rick Tyson in our annual worship service at our counseling practice.

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January 15, 2013 · 10:15 am

New Resource for Men with Porn Addiction


A friend of mine, David White, published a book late last year with New Growth Press entitled, Sexual Sanity For Men: Re-creating Your Mind in a Crazy Culture. I commend you this book for several reasons.

  1. The topic is absolutely important. David doesn’t offer a white knuckle approach to dealing with sexual temptations. Nor does he gloss over the difficulties and give the simplistic bible answer as to why porn use is bad for you or that Jesus is a substitute for porn (see week 11, day 2 for how why he rightly says, “Jesus is not going to become like porn for you” and why many addicts imagine that he will.)
  2. The book design is perfect. By saying this I am not talking about its physical attributes. Ever read a book that has decent sized chapters and then a few questions at the end? If you are like me you might glance at those “for further thought” questions and then move on to the next chapter. The result is that you get lots of content quickly but make little to no application. David’s book is written in the format of daily readings (5 per week) for 14 weeks. Each reading is about 2-3 pages with specific reflection  and self-assessment questions with space to write. I suggest a reader complete on own but then meet up with a group of guys and discuss (hold accountable) what your read/wrote.
  3. The focus. The material and questions spend what may feel like an inordinate amount of time on discovering how deceived we are. You could feel like he is beating a dead horse. But I would suggest that David is intentionally helping readers peel back layer and layer of deceptions that allow sin to continue. How else could believers imbibe sin if they weren’t first deadening with deception? For example, he asks the reader to note where they wear the “fig leaf of ministry” as a way to mollify guilt.

I would encourage readers to add one question to each day/week: “What is one thing I am going to endeavor to do today, with God’s help, in light of what I just read?” If we only stay with the assessment, we can become defeated and discouraged by the amount of mess we find. But, God gives us a way of escape. Where is it today? Don’t promise yourself the world. You’ll break that promise. Endeavor to make one small, incremental change today. Tomorrow, you’ll do it again. And, don’t try to do it alone.

You can find David at www.harvestusa.org.

*received complimentary book from NGP but review is my own and not the result of free books. I get plenty others that never make my recommended list.

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January 13, 2013 · 4:42 pm

What happens after a trauma may be the key in the formation of PTSD


Thanks to a friend I read this essay today about a possible way to model PTSD formation–by considering what does or does not happen in the trauma victim’s social environment after the trauma experience. The article discusses 2 different studies, one animal and the other human.

The animal study concludes that kidnapping a mother rat from her pups for more than 15 minutes will result in anxious activity upon reunification in the same cage where the trauma happened. Mother and pups will continue to be over-reactive well beyond the event. However, if mother and pups are reunited in a new environment, the trauma reactions (racing around, stepping on each other, aggressive behaviors) seem not to be present. Might it be that they have a shared job of exploring the new environment?

The human study points to the importance of having reunification symbols or rites of re-entry when bringing child soldiers back into the community. This appears to have value over just quietly pretending that nothing happened.

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January 11, 2013 · 11:19 am

Did God injure me? A great pastoral response


I am reading a version of a paper entitled, “Connecting horizons with Job: Pastoral care (in cooperation with professionals) in the trauma-coping process” by Egbert Brink. In one section he discusses pastoral care responses to the victim’s experience that God was the adversary (such as Job experienced). Mr. Brink cites Job 9:10-12, 9:16-17 where Job feels like God’s hand is the one who is doing the wounding. The victim that Mr. Brink is meeting with says,

Did God do this, did He wound me? My heart says yes, but my mind does not allow that answer….Again; did God wound me? Yes…Okay. That’s what Job feels, and I identify with Job. The next logical step is: what emotions do I have? … This is scary, but the step must be taken. It’s not until you say it, that the emotion can be set free. I can do it, I say: I am disappointed in God, and angry, I think. That last bit isn’t proper, but I can’t help it. Don’t take it too harshly. (p. 16)

Mr. Brink (or is it Dr? I do not know) provides this commentary,

…this is a special moment in trauma coping process…every traumatized person is faced with the question why God let it happen and did not protect him or her. The book of Job grants the necessary space to ask these probing life questions dealing with the mysteries of God. Faith in God’s omnipotence and goodness raises many questions in this context, but also provides space for them. Passionate complaints don’t immediately put God’s omnipotence in question but rather underline it.  (ibid, emphasis mine)

And then Mr. Brink says this,

The pastoral task, then, is not to stand in the way of the traumatized client with apologetics, as Job’s friends do. God does not need advocates to plead his case. (ibid, emphasis his)

I found the following Vimeo link (http://vimeo.com/48232843) of Mr. Brink giving a talk on this paper and pastoral case.

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