Our family has a tradition of driving around to look at houses with outrageous Christmas lights. This year we made visit to: 1439 Joel Drive, Ft. Washington, PA 19002. This house has quite a number of animated displays. In fact, this is the 28th (and last year!) this family is doing their display. Check them out if you are in the area.
If you know of any fabulous light shows in the Philadelphia area feel free to post addresses as replies to this post.
Filed under Uncategorized
As one who makes a living listening to brokenness, there are times when troubles seem everywhere. Everyone is swimming in a pool of their own tears–to quote the former PBS motivational speaker John Bradshaw. Sometimes, the pool seems pretty deep…cancer, mental illness, sexual abuse, infidelity, mania, marital discord, identity confusion, etc.
If not careful, we counselors can begin to believe that brokenness is the ONLY reality–a dreadful position if all we have to offer our clients is a knowing sad smile. On Sunday I went to a class on Isaiah, what some call 2nd Genesis because of the prophetic descriptions of re-birth and redemption of Israel through the work of Emmanuel.
In the class, someone said something that has been banging around in my head. It went something like this (gist, not quote)
It is not a challenge to see brokenness around us–that is easy. The challenge is to see God’s re-creative activity. Oddly, we call reality (God’s activity in redeeming us) a myth and prefer myth (superficial Christmas peace) over the reality of God’s working through brokenness to make us whole. I repeat, the challenge is to see God’s recreation and Glory.
Not sure how much of that was said and how much of that is just my own thoughts. But, still, the challenge for us is to see re-birth and not merely dying and death. What looks like an ugly stump (Isaiah 11:1) to us is a fruit bearing shoot.
See if you can catch glimpses of growth and rebirth today!
A friend of mine passed on this blog post about learning in an “info-glut culture.” A worthy read if you like learning but feel overwhelmed by the amount of information out there.
Of course, by passing on a new blog for you to read I participating in the info-glut culture. 🙂 However, let this one sink in and then be more choosy about what you read (just as long as you don’t all tune me out).
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In the US, we have just completed an election cycle where Republicans have taken back power in the House of Representatives. Behind this change is a fair amount of voter anger with the current Democratic leadership, especially from Tea Party sympathizers.
Traveling to work I heard a snippet of a speech by a person (not elected) stated that if the newly elected individual didn’t meet their expectations, they’d work to vote them out the next time.
Seems that sometimes power acquisition breeds more desire for power and less willingness to compromise. Of course, loss and failure may also breed a desire to pretend to compromise but do everything possible to avoid real flexibility.
What makes me think this is a comment my wife made about her current reading pleasure: Bonhoeffer (by Erik Metaxas). From the author’s perspective, there were a number of German civilian and military leaders who were uncomfortable with Hitler’s grandiosity and even interest in taking over other countries. However, once they were smashingly successful, most seemed to get on board and enjoy the power.
In short, they became comfortable with demanding even more power from those who couldn’t defend themselves.
Now, hear me loud and clear. I am not making an analogy between Hitler and Republicans. Nor, am I denigrating recent voting trends of voter anger. But success in the polls ought not make us more embolden to listen only to our own interests. Access to power sometimes breeds less love for the ones defeated. Our newly elected leaders have to find a way to govern (not something we’ve been doing well at for some time in this country) all of their constituents–even those who didn’t vote for them.
Filed under News and politics, Uncategorized
Americans are confronted with the problem of sexual dysfunction every time they turn on the television. Seems there’s no end to the ads for products designed to improve sexual performance.
What is your response to this media blitz? Are you thankful that individuals with real problems have access to information and solutions? Or, and this is probably more likely for most, are you feeling harassed by drug company profiteering on our society that makes sexual zenith the end-all-be-all human experience.
Both are true. Despite the over-emphasis in the media, couples really do have struggles with their sex lives. And due to a number of factors (embarrassment, lack of church conversations about good sex, histories of abuse, etc.) many suffer in silence.
What follows are some common questions a good counselor will ask couples in order to uncover the nature of their problems.
Perception:
1. What is your understanding of “good enough” sex? This question explores one’s view of sex. What does it entail? Who leads? Is it planned or spontaneous? How long does it last? Is there a focus only on orgasm or penetration?
2. What shapes your overall view of sex? This question begins to explore prior experiences with sex (and abuse), shaping beliefs about meaning and purpose, and perceptions of each person’s sexual identity and feelings about their own body. The point of these perception oriented questions is to uncover differences in perceptions and meaning regarding sexual intimacy.
Relationship:
1. How are you feeling about your relationship? Sex therapy is not indicated if there are significant ongoing conflicts across the marriage relationship. Counselors need to deal with hurts and conflicts first since good sex is based on a trust relationship. It is hard to be naked with someone you do not trust.
2. How do you two talk about your sex lives and/or sex frustrations? Can you share with each other your fears and dream; what you like or don’t like? Are their affairs, abuse, or other addictions getting in the way?
Desire:
1. How would you rate your level of desire for sexual intimacy with your spouse? (High to low) What do you think accounts for this change? Has there been any changes in your level of desire? These questions begin to get at (a) the amount of desire each partner has for sexual intimacy and, (b) possible reasons for either too much or too little desire. Desire is defined as ongoing thoughts and feelings about wanting to be sexual with one’s spouse. Low desire may signal hurts, fears, and other struggles. High desire may signal addictions and/or demanding attitudes.
2. How do you feel about the differences in desire amounts? What we find is that in every couple, one wants more sex than the other. This is not a problem…unless either the one wanting more is hurt and angry about being turned down or the one wanting less feels guilty for saying no.
Arousal/Pain
1. During sex, are you able to maintain your arousal? Do you lose your erection/interest? We want to discover what if any problems begin during the arousal period. Here we may uncover medical issues (disease states, medicines, etc.) that interfere with sexual intimacy.
2. Do you experience pain during sex? Pain is a major sex killer. This may be the result of ancillary problems (e.g., a bad hip or back) or the result of poor lubrication and/or other nerve-related injuries. Some pain in women is the result of anxiety at the point of penetration. But, sadly, these women are told to push through it. Pain must be dealt with in order for them to be comfortable enough to work on anxiety.
Orgasm:
1. How do you feel about the frequency of and time to orgasm? Does it take too long or happen too quickly for you? These questions begin to uncover the possibility of problems in achieving a satisfying orgasm. Premature and delayed orgasm are real problems but sometimes we discover that the problem is one of perception. Men generally cannot thrust vigorously for more than 5 minutes without orgasming–actually most are in the 2 minute range. Women rarely orgasm from intercourse alone.
There are certainly more things to know and explore in order to help a couple solve sexual problems but these are the beginning questions most therapists will want to start with. You can find a 2009 PowerPoint presentation and accompanying questionnaire on the topic of sex therapy (When Sex in Marriage Doesn’t Work) that was part last year’s CCEF conference.
Filed under christian counseling, marriage, Sex, sex therapy, Uncategorized
My perception is that a rainy, dark fall day like today makes the yellow leaves seem twice as bright as on a sunny day. The darkness of the day allows for us to take note of how the leaves are so beautiful.
I suspect this is true in life as well. When we are going through a dark time, an acquaintance we deem peripheral may begin to shine.
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In G. Campbell Morgan‘s commentary on John, Morgan comments on John’s own recognition that he was not the foretold Christ but one who preceded the Christ and pointed to him. He says (commenting on chapter 3:22-36),
Then followed the last great statement. I have never read these final words of John without feeling their dignity and majesty. None greater ever feel from human lips. “He must increase, but I must decrease.” ….There was no unwarranted derogation of his own personality or work; but the content of the star as its lustre is lost in the rising glory of the sun.
….John the evangelist was thus showing the difference between the voice and the Word…
Surely this is what counselors must remember. Too often we want to be the sage wisdom, the Word. We want to be listened to; to be seen as wise. But, let us never forget that we are only conduit to the Word.
In 1 Peter 2: 12 we are commanded to, “live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” Peter goes on to tell us that our good deeds include showing proper respect for everyone. And still later he reminds us to follow the actions of Jesus who did not retaliate when he was insulted and mistreated at the cross.
Recently, a friend was mistreated due to her faith. Actually, the mistreatment was based on assumptions rather than facts. The one doing the mistreatment made false allegations about my friend’s beliefs and attitudes. This was in a professional setting where my friend expected to be treated as any other and not singled out like this. Thankfully, the episode was brief. But what if it wasn’t? How should we respond to mistreatment for reasons of faith?
Some things we shouldn’t do:
1. Sarcasm and biting back. One of the things that bothers me in the political arena is the amount of sarcasm and belittling used against each other. Not that this behavior is new–it isn’t–but it does seem more intense than before. It would seem that the goal for liberals is to catch conservative family values defenders not living up to their standards. And conservatives put down liberals for being open to anything and everything (except conservatives). When attacked for reasons of faith, let’s not spend our time making public comments about the missteps of our accusers.
2. Say nothing at all. Silence isn’t always wrong but it may not be right either. It can be good to overlook some mistreatment as a mercy to the attacker. Sometimes when we know someone is having a bad day or is themselves a recipient of mistreatment, we may choose to overlook hateful comments. However, saying nothing as a matter of course may also eliminate an opportunity to speak truth in love to the offending party.
What can we do?
1. Deserved or undeserved? First, we can check to see if we have brought an attack on by our own behavior. If we have, we ought to address the matter right away. If the attack is not the result of our own foolish actions, then this is not about us but about God. Hopefully, this little bit of assessment can take the personalized part of the pain out of the equation.
2. Work to understand. Where are these comments coming from? What might be revealed behind the hurtful statements about our attackers experiences? It is possible that their attack comes from a bad experience from another person of faith who did not represent well the true meaning of Christianity. We can then validate their pain even if not their expression of it.
3. Speak the truth in love via a point of contact. Look for the value that you share together. Speak to that issue first. Often, some issue of respect, justice or shared concern can be a point of contact to engage an attacker. MLK wrote a letter from his jail cell in Birmingham, AL to white evangelicals who had written to ask him to stop raising tensions via nonviolent protests. He begins with a point of contact–their shared faith, their genuine good will and sincerity regarding their concerns. He attempts to speak their language first about the necessity of prophetic voices among God’s people. Surely he moves on to accuse them of inaction and maintaining the status quo–thus not caring for all of God’s people. But he ends with invitations to dialogue more and even requests that they forgive him if he has overstated their complicity in the problem of Jim Crow. In professional worlds, we may begin with discussions of shared ethical standards. We may want to point out failures by our accusers to keep their own standards, but first we need to establish common ground.
4. Bless, do not curse. Look for ways to bless and/or encourage an accuser if at all possible. Find reason to offer mercy rather than retaliation.
5. Activate, do not withdraw. In professional settings, use the existing system well so you can to gain a hearing, and not just for yourself. Remember, the Apostle Paul uses his Roman citizenship to seek justice against false accusers and abusers. Using his right to appeal to Caesar enabled him to speak to numerous individuals and groups that he might not otherwise have met. It was this simple act that God used to spread the Gospel to Europe and then to the whole world.
As you fall asleep, do you have a common thought or feeling pattern? As you wake up? In the shower? We are creatures of habit in this regard–we maintain our perceptions (of self, of the world) even in the light of contradictory information or experiences. This is why a pessimist always expects the worst and a narcissist always expects to be right. If you could categorize all your thoughts and feelings, what would your perception pattern look like? Hypervigilant? Discouraged? Embittered? Hopeful?
Now, can you change this pattern? For example, if you are not inclined to be hopeful, can you practice hopeful responses–even when things really do go south? And if you can change the pattern, what does that change look like?
Here are some of my thoughts…I would love to hear from you about what you do to practice something other than your usual way of looking at the world.
1. It is possible to re-write our narratives. How we talk to ourselves about an event either will solidify a feeling or begin to change it. For example, my wife recently had a sleepless night. She was able to use that time to talk to the Lord even while she was feeling out of sorts. In the morning, she had a positive, if also tired, way of feeling about the night.
2. Change does not look like zero experiences of an old narrative running through our head. Change looks like being able to recognize the old but also a new pattern as well. This change is not merely talking yourself out of one schema and into another. Rather, mindful awareness of threads of your experience that have been there all along get more play and so therefore become more salient over time.
3. Change isn’t permanent. Just as a professional athlete cannot go without practice, we cannot expect effortless maintenance of a new way of feeling.
Filed under counseling, Mindfulness, Psychology, Uncategorized
In Acts 5, we read the story of a couple (Ananias & Sapphira) who sold some property and gave a portion of the proceeds to their church. Seems good, right? Well, God struck them down dead on the spot.
If you have never read that story, it sounds pretty harsh judgment on someone who just gave a chunk of change to God. However, the story tells us that some others sold items and gave 100% to the church. This couple donated a percentage of the proceeds but–and here’s the kicker–intended others to think they had given it all.
Have you ever thought about how this story my apply to you? Frankly, I haven’t given it much thought. I don’t have much resources to sell and give to God. But, G. Campbell Morgan‘s thoughts on the passage bring the core of the problem to light
The Church has never been harmed or hindered by opposition from without; it has been perpetually harmed and hindered by perils from within.
Let it be carefully remembered that the sin of Ananias and Sapphira was not that of refusing to contribute….Neither was it that of refusing to give all.
Wherein then lay the sin? …The sin of Ananias and Sapphira was the sin of pretending that part was all….The sin of Ananias and Sapphira is that of attempting, by confession of the mouth, or song of the lips, to make it appear that things are, as they really are not.
Morgan right rightly points out the heart of the problem: Pretense. Or, if you prefer, hypocrisy. Pretending to be someone of character when it isn’t true; pretending to feel something when you don’t; pretending to be spiritual when not connected to God; pretending to care about someone to their face while despising them in the heart. Sounds like a spiritual form of plagiarism.
If we are honest, we pretend all the time. We smile when we are angry. We say, “that’s okay,” when we don’t mean it. Now, I should point out that there are times when we don’t feel something but we act in a way that honors what we believe. For example, I may sing praises to God at church when feeling disconnected from him. I may help my son with homework when I would rather do anything else. That is not pretense. It would be hypocrisy only if I were to present myself to others as one close to God or tell my son that I love doing homework with him.
Let us work hard to make our mouths and hearts line up–especially if we have any leadership position. Sometimes we may need to be silent rather than pretend. Other times we may need to be more vocal about what is really going on inside us.
And let us consider soberly what Morgan says about today’s church:
The Church’s administration to-day is not what it was, or there might be many dead men and women at the end of some services.
Filed under Biblical Reflection, Christianity, Uncategorized
Musings on Faith and Psychology 