RiftValleyInstitute (@RVInews) tweeted at 5:05 AM on Wed, May 08, 2013: A day-to-day syllabus of #RVI’s Great Lakes Course 2013 by @jasonkstearns: http://t.co/nsXB5PsfS9 Apply online: http://t.co/CvKbc7VdEH (https://twitter.com/RVInews/status/332058734308257792) Get the official Twitter app at https://twitter.com/download Check out the syllabus! Would love to take this class. Interesting that it is going on the week we will be in Rwanda.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Symbolic representations of shame and recovery: Art and Story-telling in Russia
A few months ago I had the opportunity to read and publicly respond to an essay by Tatiana Grigorieva, Julia Solomonik, and Maria Joubert entitled, “Symbols in Restoring Moral Self-Awareness in Trauma Psychotherapy” (EMCAPP Journal available here, article begins on p. 145, my response on page 161). Those interested in using art in trauma recovery and/or observing how another culture (Russian) might engage trauma ought to check out the essay.
The essence of the essay addresses the problem of “skins” and “shifts”– unhealthy and healthy coverings used to deal with dissociation. The authors describe an art project intervention where clients symbolic “shifts” or healthy coverings. What I am most interested in hearing from readers is how they might react to the fairy tale used to illustrate the skin/shift concept. As with many fairy tales, it is a rather grim and grotesque story of Prince Lindworm, born as a serpent, rejected, and aggressively eating young women offered to him as wives. The Prince is rescued from his sorry state by one virtuous maiden. I’ll leave the details to those who wish to read the story in the above link.
My question: Do you find this story to be helpful? Potentially triggering for those who experience deep shame? Is it necessary to have such a vivid illustration in order to connect with the depth of pain trauma survivors experience? I personally like the artistic activities but wonder, as noted in my comments on p. 161, at what point in treatment should this kind of thing be undertaken?
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Filed under Uncategorized
The “End of Worry” in a dangerous world?
In light of the recent bombing in Boston, I thought I would use today’s post as a timely book note. Will van der Hart (Anglican vicar) and Rob Waller (Psychiatrist) have written a small but helpful book entitled, The End of Worry: Why We Worry and How to Stop (2011, Howard Books). What makes this book interesting is the fact that Will freely discusses his own struggle with worry, made more evident after the 2005 bombings in his city of London. While the bombings were the final straw to panic attacks, Will also explores some of the early roots of worry in his life.
If you struggle with worry, there are several reasons why this little book might be a comfort to you.
- The authors write as if they know worry and fear.
- It is not, as they say, “triumphalistic.” Meaning, they do not believe the right beliefs/prayers/faith will automatically solve the problem
- Worry is portrayed not only as a spiritual problem but also explored through lenses of psychology, biology, and habit formation.
- It is written to the worrier, not about the worrier
- Each chapter gives you opportunity to engage in a few key exercises
- They differentiate between solvable worry and floating worry (and the tyranny of the “what ifs…”)
- Their solutions are practical but do not pretend to be simplistic. In fact, they devote some space to the notion that you should “stop trying not to worry.” Sound radical?
- A number of their solutions are helpful for those who ruminate (OCD, scrupulosity)
The book sits firmly in the cognitive behavioral model of intervention. Therefore, much of it encourages readers to explore belief systems about self and world and to begin challenging faulty thinking and to work to replace with more appropriate cognitions, meditations, and self-talk. CBT is not the only therapeutic model but offers anxious people something to do.
If you would like to work through a book that describes the process of worry and perfectionism and then gives you some ideas to examine and change your own struggle, this might be the book for you.
*I received a free copy of this book without any obligation to write this post.
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Filed under Anxiety, christian counseling, Cognitive biases, Good Books, Uncategorized
What if your spouse acts the part of empathic listener (but really isn’t)?
You’ve had a bad day. Your spouse comes home and you proceed to tell them about your difficult, frustrating day. When you finish telling your tale of woe, your spouse says the following (with appropriate feeling)
Wow, that really was a tough day. I’m sorry it has been so hard for you. Why don’t you take it easy and I’ll handle…[whatever menial task you would normally do right now]
Normally, this validation would feel quite nice. But what if you knew that your spouse didn’t really feel the warm fuzzies they were trying to send your way? What if they were only saying what they thought you wanted to hear?
Would you still feel loved because of the effort they made? That they wanted to “fake it ’til they make it”?
A recent This American life radio episode covers this very issue. The fifteen minute episode tells of a man with Aspergers who needed to learn how to love his wife and did so by observing and mimicking others who had better social skills. At one point in the show, the interviewer asks his wife if it matters to her that her husband doesn’t feel the empathy he is trying to convey.
Her answer? No.
What would your answer be?
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Filed under love, marriage, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized
What PTSD might feel like
If you haven’t experienced PTSD from a traumatic experience, you might wonder what a traumatic reaction might feel like. What I give below is just a teeny window. Note that what I write about is NOT PTSD but shares some of the same features on a very small and temporary scale.
Imagine the following:
You are sleeping peacefully but at 3:30 am by a horrible metallic crash just outside your home. You recognize the sound as a car crash. What follows that sound is continued crashes, spinning tires, shifting gears, more smashing sounds, shifting gears, then your house rocks when the vehicle hits your porch. You grab your glasses and stumble to your feet, find your pants and start for the phone to dial 911. Without yet seeing what is happening, you imagine that someone is choosing to smash another vehicle in order to get revenge. In a flash you imagine someone very angry who may be dangerous. You try to dial 911 but its dark and you are not yet awake. On the 3rd try, you get it right and the operator comes on the line. She asks several questions (who are you, spell your name, where do you live, what is your nearest cross street, what is your telephone number, what is the emergency, is anyone hurt, etc.). You struggle to answer these questions because of the distress of the situation and the tightening knot in your stomach. You hang up and look out the window. The sound of the offending vehicle dies away. You look outside and see a smashed car crossways the road. It is dark so you cannot tell if anyone is in the vehicle, if anyone is hurt, if danger is outside. You feel paralyzed and sick to your stomach. Should you go outside and see? What if the violent person is still out there?
Soon, the police arrive and neighbors pour out of houses. You venture out to learn that a drunk driver lost control and smashed into a parked car. the driver ended up on your neighbor’s grass and the repeated smashes were the result of his attempt to get back onto the street. Each neighbor describes what they heard or saw. The police arrive and take their reports and photographs. As neighbors share stories and laugh (even the one whose car was destroyed), you feel your stomach relax and you return to you bed for what is left of the night.
The next day, you go to work a bit more tired than usual. You tell a colleague or two about the experience. You perform your duties without significant difficulty. BUT, at moments of silence, you keep hearing the noises of the smashes, spinning tires, more smashes. You feel your stomach tense. You feel embarrassed that you struggled to communicate to the 911 operator. You feel embarrassed about your hesitation to go outside. You feel somehow that you would have failed to protect your family if they were really in danger (due to paralysis). You remember 2 other times you didn’t respond well to a crisis. The next night, you find yourself wound up and unable to sleep.
Again, this little vignette does not make a PTSD diagnosis. Those who have experienced terrible traumas (e.g., sexual assault, witnessing sudden death or forced to participate in a killing) would likely feel this event is simplistic. They are right and yet, you might see how the body/mind may respond to a crisis or the perception of a crisis.
- Experience of danger
- Inability to get away from it
- Horror response
- re-experiencing intrusive memories
- Hypervigilance
- Attempts to shut down the intrusive memories and emotions
Notice in this situation, some of these PTSD symptoms are not present and not likely to form. the problem resolves quickly and, more importantly, the shared conversation with neighbors afterwards reduces much of the isolation that is often common in traumatizing experiences. And yet, notice that sounds of the accident keep coming back to the person. In addition, this person feels some level of guilt and shame about the response to the event. This feeling can increase isolation and negative ruminations about personal failures.
Given this situation and it’s randomness, the person is not likely to remain distressed. Symptoms such as these tend to fade quickly. If, instead, the scenario contained sexual violence by a loved one, confusing physical responses, threats to one’s life if you cried out, you can quickly see how the symptoms would not easily fade but would grow in intensity, frequency and duration.
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Filed under Psychology, ptsd, trauma, Uncategorized
A day of trauma recovery: Stimulating talk and an important reminder
American Bible Society (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today was the first day of the Community of Practice convened by the American Bible Society and their Trauma Healing Institute. The room was crowded with recovery specialists in practice around the world. While a few are mental health experts, many are missiologists, bible translators, linguists, pastors, etc. All are individuals who felt the need to address the pandemic of trauma in their little corner of the world. Participants are working in Africa, Asia, the Middle East, South America, Europe, Canada, and the U.S.
It was a stimulating day. Opening remarks by the new ABS president, Dr. Doug Birdsall, reports from ten different areas about recent trauma healing efforts. We heard about what was going on in Nova Scotia to Namibia to Nepal to Nigeria; in South Sudan, Kenya, Thailand, the DR Congo Papua New Guinea and some sensitive areas.
I got a chance to take the group through a fly-over of the cost and context of psychosocial trauma, some recent understandings of the impact of trauma on the body and concluded with a summary of what we know works (and some possible reasons why) and might be transferable and scalable in other parts of the world. Dr. Michael Lyles brought us an update of PTSD and tied it to the experience of the parable of the Good Samaritan. We also heard about resilience training in Namibia and the trauma of persecution and torture in the Middle East.
It is exciting to see what God’s people are doing with just a few resources and to hear how the Bible Society’s program of recovery is maturing and growing by leaps and bounds. However, Doug Birdsall’s meditation on Luke 10 is still ringing in my ears. After sending out the 72 to do ministry, they returned with joy over the great activity they saw. People were healed; demons cast out; the kingdom expanded. Jesus responds to them by saying something rather startling,
Yes, and there is even more amazing things to come. You haven’t seen anything yet. BUT, don’t rejoice over the fact that you have power to cast out demons. Instead, rejoice in the fact that your names are listed in the roll of citizens of heaven. [my paraphrase]
It is good to take heart in the small army of trauma recovery specialists. God is up to something great, even bigger than we can now see. But, it is always more important that he has come and redeemed us. Make sure that you are more happy about your redemption than about what you can do for God.
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Project Tuza 2.0 in Rwanda: Your chance to participate
Those following this blog for a bit will know that I have travelled to Rwanda to participate in training Rwandan caregivers from 19 caregiving organizations (with World Vision Rwanda as the main host and partner). This project has been named “Project Tuza” and is funded by both World Vision Rwanda and donors to the American Association of Christian Counselors nonprofit foundation.
Trip Details:
This June (21-30), a group of 8 counselors and psychologists will be working with local counselors and caregivers to improve counseling and caregiving skills to women and children experiencing domestic violence, with those suffering addictions, and to provide opportunity for extensive case rich learning. While some trainings will be delivered via presentations, we have been requested to spend much of our time in small skills groups so that attendees can learn through practice and case review sessions. As this time will also be nearing the end of the Genocide memorial period (April – July), we will also leave ample time to give attendees time for processing their own trauma burdens. Beyond this training, we are now shaping up meetings with other interested parties so we can expand our opportunities on future trips.
How can I participate?
- You can pray. These trips are difficult to manage from beginning to end. Getting the logistics right can be difficult when managing time-zones and cultures.
- You can pray some more. Health, prepping for talks, making sure that we bring the resources we need (AACC is gifting the Rwandan counselors with a large cache of DVD and CD trainings). Next week, we will be meeting here in the States with one of the Rwandan counselors to finalize our training.
- You can give. This trip is already funded by World Vision Rwanda and AACC. However we desire to keep returning to continue the training. You can help offset the costs of this trip and enable us to return soon. Since our last trip, airline tickets have increased more than $500 per person! Each one of us who are going give by covering a portion of the costs of travel to and from Rwanda. You can help us as well. Please consider giving to AACC Foundation by mailing checks (made payable to AACC FOUNDATION) to AACC Foundation, Attention: Project Tuza, PO Box 739, Forest, VA 24551 (in memo line, indicate the gift is for Project Tuza) or by giving online here in increments of $5. All gifts will be tax deductible.
Stay posted for more information and blogs about our trip!
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Filed under AACC, Africa, counseling skills, Diane Langberg, genocide, Rwanda, Uncategorized
Ken Tada: Breast cancer from the husband’s point of view
Last night I had a short but sweet conversation with Ken Tada. That would be Joni Eareckson Tada’s husband. Joni and a few others were presenting yesterday at a Biblical Seminary event. At the Q & A, an audience member asked how we all could pray for Joni and Ken. Ken’s answer was to tell us that in 2010, Joni was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had treatment and now has gone 2.5 years since surgery and chemo. He asked that we pray for continued good health in regards to cancer. He mentioned the important goal of making 5 years without a reoccurrence.
As a fellow husband of a breast cancer survivor, I could relate well to his prayer. We just hit our 3 year anniversary. During our conversation we discussed how such a diagnosis and ensuing suffering brings life into crystal clarity. What is important (relationships, time together, worship, small things like listening to the birds, etc.) and what is not (writing/speaking opportunities, following the news, public affirmation, career advancement) becomes so evident to us. It also taught us both (Ken and I) what vows mean. Now, I would have thought he already understood that being married to Joni. I suppose he did. However, new forms of suffering remind us of what God’s love is like for us.
Last night Joni said that suffering is used by God to purify us, to remove those things that are not from him. I agree. It does so in both the one with cancer as well as the husband.
He and Joni have a new book coming out in April. I saw a copy of it last night. Looks like a good read!
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Filed under breast cancer, marriage, Relationships, suffering, Uncategorized
Help and Hope For Porn Addiction: 2 Questions
Recently, I made a presentation to a group of men about the problem of porn use/addiction. It proved to be a lively conversation and I didn’t get an opportunity to get through all of the content. Below are 2 questions I was asked. Consider these answers:
- What is wrong with watching porn with my wife? We both enjoy it and it spices up our sex life?
Besides the clear command to avoid all sexual immorality and to not lust after another? Supposing you want more than that here are some additional thoughts. God has given us imagination as a tool to be used for our good and our pleasure. Therefore, it stands to reason that imagination is highly important in the bedroom. However, it should be used as a tool to honor each other and to promote oneness. As soon as our eyes our off our spouse (whether in a literal sense or a figurative sense), we are seeking to use another for our sexual pleasure. Porn necessarily brings images of others into your bedroom thus moving away from reality and oneness. The images porn uses are not accurate or real and only encourages disappointment in the real thing.
And may I note that I have only heard this question from men. Given my experience of hearing so many wives who have been hurt by their husband’s interest in bringing porn into their own lovemaking, I am suspicious that the wife enjoys it as much as might be thought. At the end of your lovemaking and/or porn use, does she feel special? Does she feel honored? Does she feel she cannot measure up to what is not the screen?
Despite the injunction against porn use by Christians, do not take this to mean that the sex life of Christians must be boring. Seeking to satisfy the pleasures of your spouse gives ample room for creative fun in the bedroom.
- How long can I enjoy looking at [name of well-known female star] and not begin to lust? Is it always wrong to enjoy female beauty?
Of course there is no specific answer that can be given as to how many nano-seconds are pure and at what point the look ogle turns lustful. Is it possible to enjoy beauty in a person not your spouse? Yes. I would suggest that it is impossible not to notice beauty when you see it. However, I would quickly add that some forms of beauty are more likely to turn lustful in a split second. Noticing Beyoncé’s lovely singing voice probably won’t turn to lust. Noticing her Super Bowl attire…that is another matter.
Here’s what I would like you to consider. The question you are asking, “how long can I look before sinning” may reveal a dangerous motive. It seems that you might be asking, how close can I get to the cliff without falling over? Is it okay to have one foot on solid ground but lean over the edge? Can you see the danger in this thinking? Instead, we ought to humbly recognize that it is easy for us to move from momentary admiration to fantasy. It is good to accept that we will notice beauty and that we must guard our very next thought.
One more thought for you. While noticing beauty is part of who God has made you, is it possible that you have well-trained yourself to search for beauty? Is your head on a swivel? Have you long practiced taking the second and third look? If so, then you are likely not merely noticing beauty but actively looking for images you can use for your own fantasy.
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Filed under addiction, pornography, self-deception, Sex, sexuality, Uncategorized
Mistakes we make when responding to minor false accusations
Picture this. You are a manager. One of your subordinates, John, accuses you of playing favorites–giving more opportunities for development and promotion to one person and intentionally ignoring the one making the accusation. You absolutely believe the accusation is baseless due to a misunderstanding of workflow and skill sets.
What would be your usual response? Explain? Pull the, “I’m the authority here, I do what I think is right” card? Silence and an eye roll? I imagine most of us choose the explain option. If feels right that we should clarify the misunderstanding.
Why is explaining wrong?
Let me clarify. Explaining isn’t necessarily a sin (though it could be). Surprisingly it rarely helps the situation when offered first. Why is this?
- Pointing out the facts as you see them almost always sounds like a defense
- Defenses (AKA explanations) rarely address the root concern of the other leaving them feeling unheard
A better way
Contrary to our natural tendency to defend against an attack, the best strategy is to validate the concerns of the other. If the employee is concerned they are getting passed over (and you can imagine they have been feeling this for a long while when they finally speak it to you), your explanation of the facts does NOTHING to address their concerns. A loving, Spirit-empowered response will take to heart their fears. “John, I bet you’ve been feeling this for some time. It is important to me that I hear and understand what you are feeling. I do not want you having the impression that you are not valued. I would be happy to explain why Lisa got the new position and how I see your future here. Can we set a time to talk about this tomorrow?”
One of the reasons we don’t validate others first is that we fear our own view of the facts will be swallowed up in the opinions of others. In addition we fear that validation will be heard as agreement. Be wary of these feelings. In fact, when you give the accuser the chance to state their concerns/case first (and do so in a way that they feel heard), your own views are much more likely to be heard.
Now, if only I could employ this technique with better success (on my part) with my teenaged boys! If you don’t know already, such a simple technique of validation requires a massive dose of humility and self-sacrificial love. You cannot do this in your own strength!
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Filed under christian counseling, conflicts, Family, Relationships, Uncategorized
Musings on Faith and Psychology 