Tag Archives: Abuse

Is your church prepared to handle an abuse allegation?


I’ve posted a blog for our Seminary’s faculty blog this morning. You can read it here. In it I give a few initial directions for churches seeking to prepare for the nightmare of an abuse allegation against a church member or leader. While these directions are very slim, they at least get congregations moving in the right direction. When we wait to decide how to act in a crisis situation, we are less likely to make good decisions. We may make decisions based on expediency, based on utility, or even based on quieting the problem (much like how the Catholic church handled their abuse cases).

For those wanting much more advice for church communities, consider taking our summer course on the subject: Preventing and Responding to Abuse in the Church.

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The trick to tolerating that which you cannot change?


Some things can’t be changed. You just have to endure them. There are “little” endurances such as waiting for a line in the grocery store, a dentist to finish drilling your tooth, for a boring speech to end. Then there are much larger endurances to suffer through like living in unabating poverty or under a dictator.

Some of us are better at enduring things than are others. Ever wonder what their tricks they have?

In a word–some variant of dissociation.

If the unpleasantness is likely to be short we may choose to fantasize about a lovely place we’d rather be. We may focus our senses on some other stimuli (temperature, light, color, smell, etc.) in an effort to “quiet” the urge to run. If the unpleasantness is much longer and if we have little sense that we can bring about a change in our situation, then we may lose connection with our current surroundings and our self. While this adaptive feature allows us to survive unimaginable pain, a habituated dissociation will take on a life of its own and begin to change our sense of self and our sense of the world.

In short, we lose faith. We may even stop trying to change what can be changed.

I find this quote by Richard Grant (“Crazy River: Exploration and Folly in East Africa”) about his experience in an overcrowded bus in Tanzania most instructive of the need to dissociate and the long-term impact,

After ten minutes, my right foot was numb and throbbing, and I wanted desperately to shift its position, just by an inch or two, but an inch or two was impossible in the squeeze of other feet and bags, and there were people sittings on the bags, and others standing hunched over at right angles under the roof….The danger and discomfort endured by the passengers was of absolutely no concern to the driver and the assistant, and the passengers endured it with a calm, patient, well-mannered grace. This was normal, everyday life, and the only kind of bus journey they knew. There was an hour to go. I tried to will myself into a blank, passive, indifferent, fatalistic state of mind, which I had come to understand as a basic survival mechanism for the poorest people in this world, although not necessarily helpful for their future. (p. 45-6, emphasis mine)

 

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Sex Offenders v. Sex Abusers: Is there a difference?


Justin Smith (Phoenix Seminary) has written a helpful chapter in The Long Journey Home: Understanding and Ministering to the Sexually Abused where he discusses the characteristics and types of sexual offenders. While we tend to lump everyone who commits a sexual offense into one (despised) category, it is better to differentiate between types of offenses and those who might commit them. More differentiation helps us (a) understand causes of abuse, and (b) treat those who commit them with more competent and compassionate care.

He believes we need to distinguish between those who have abused and those who are sexual offenders. Why? Because if 20-25% of females report abuse along with 10-20% of males, then our current stats that offenders make up 1-2% of the population cannot be accurate. The number (given that abuse is often not reported) must be higher.

If the number of perpetrators of sexual abuse is 20-50 percent of the male population, as opposed to 1-2 percent, then sexually abusive behavior is not that unusual and neither is the sexual abuser. (p. 44)

Not sure I would venture the 50% number in the above quote but the point about abusive behavior isn’t as unusual as we would like to believe.

Before we look at the differences between offenders and abusers, let Dr. Smith set the stage:

If all persons have sexual impulses and the capacity to be manipulative and potentially violent, perhaps the question should be: “Why don’t people offend”? instead of, “Why do people Offend?” “What constrains some people and fails to constrain others?” (p. 45)

Smith suggests 3 main requirements for those who abuse. First, they must disregard boundaries. They disregard social and moral prohibitions, turn off empathy and compassion for the victim, change meanings of words (to coerce), etc. Second, they disregard or deny the distress of the victim. Third, the person must struggle to regulate internal impulses.

Now to our question. Is there a useful way to differentiate offenders from abusers? Is there any value to those of us who work with those who have committed sex crimes?

Having established that sexual abuse covers a wide range of behaviors and undoubtedly involves a significant portion of the population, what can be said about sex offenders? Offenders are a subset of sexual abusers. They have not only committed sexual abuse but they have committed a specific sexual crime as defined by society.  (p. 47)

So, his primary differentiation is this: offenders are those who are caught. Abusers are those who did an offense but weren’t caught.

Now to the question: is this helpful? My answer is yes and no. Yes. When we describe the research on offenders (as Smith does) we are able to differentiate offenders in subsets: those who rape, those who are sadistic, those who offend against family members, children, or strangers. These differences do matter when considering incarceration and treatment. And likely those who get caught are different from the many who may abuse one person or who have more self-control or other factors that keep them from continuing the abusive behavior.

But the answer is also no. Because so many sexual abusers do not get caught, we can’t really say that there is much difference between an offender (one who is caught) and an abuser (one who did not get caught). I doubt it would be possible to gather a population of individuals to study them in comparison to the offenders. Who would sign up for that study?

That said, this chapter and the entire book is a great resource for those wanting more help in their quest to minister and treat survivors of sexual abuse. I am especially pleased with chapter 13 (mine!).

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Meeting with someone who harmed you: What do you need to know?


Harm. Abuse. Accident. There are any number of ways that one human or an institution can harm another. Some “harm” is intended, others unintended. Some completely accidental, others planned and still others the result of unthinking and self-focused neglect.

How you feel about the harm likely has something to do with your assessment of the motives and intent behind the harmful behavior. Now, imagine for a minute that you were about to meet with someone who harmed you in a significant way. Do you know what their motives were at the time of the harm? Do you know how they think about it now? Further, do you know what you think about concepts such as forgiveness and reconciliation? Repentance?

It is my experience that we sometimes rush individuals to meet and reconcile with someone who has harmed them before gathering some important data. Before you meet with someone who has harmed you, consider the following questions in order to clarify what you think and believe:

1. Of the person who harmed me:

  • the intention behind their harmful behavior and their intention behind this meeting (if they requested it)
    • Did they intend to hurt me?
    • Do they want to apologize? Do they want to blame me?
  • their understanding of harm they caused and their current feelings now
    • Do they really believe they caused me harm?
    • Are they remorseful?
    • Have they made changes in their life so this won’t happen again?
  • their current relationship desires and expectations
    • Are they looking for me to forgive them? To forget? To take ownership of a portion of the problem?
    • Do they expect me to act as if it never happened?
    • Do they want me to release them from the consequences?
    • Do they want an ongoing relationship? Do I have the freedom to choose?

2.Of myself

  • Am I ready to speak the truth in love?
    • Am I tempted to sugarcoat the truth? Rage?
    • Am I tempted to offer forgiveness too quickly, too slowly?
  • Do I see the offender as no different from myself, in need of mercy?
  • Do I know what outcome I desire?
  • Am I willing to give a fair hearing rather than prejudge?
  • Do I know the difference between justice and revenge?
  • Do I know the differences between reconciliation, restitution, restoration, and repentance?
  • Do I know what forgiveness looks and feels like (and what it does not look and feel like)?
  • Do I want to forgive even if the person asking for forgiveness doesn’t seem to get how badly they hurt me?

3. Of the system

  • What are the human system consequences of meeting/not meeting. Similarly, what are the consequences of reconciling/not reconciling, forgiving/not forgiving?
  • What are the system pressures/expectations on me?
  • What promises does God provide in the kingdom system? What protections? What comforts?
  • What expectations does God place on Believers? Does the command to forgive mean to forget or live as if it never happened?

It is important to be prayerful as we answer these questions. The intensity of the meeting and the swirling emotions will make it hard for us to evaluate ourselves, the offender, and the system. The more preparation, the better shot we will for being at peace with our responses to a difficult situation.

 

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How can you listen to trauma all the time?


How can you stand to listen to [traumatic] stories like these all day long?

This is a question I get from time to time, most frequently from someone who has just told me of the trauma in their life…and most frequently from someone who feels stuck in their responses to their abuse.  They know I see multiple clients in one day and imagine that listening to pain, heartache, abuse, neglect, and the like must be overwhelmingly depressing.

My answer is a little complicated, but here it is

1. You get used to it. This could sound callous and by this answer I do not mean you get numb  to trauma. If you get numb to trauma then it is time quit counseling. But, you do get a bit used to it.  You are less surprised by evil after you hear about it in so many different forms.

2. It is hard. Hearing about brokenness is difficult. It is even more difficult when those who should be responsible for protecting or at least dealing with the sins of others well do not do their job. When systems conspire to harm the victim that is hard to hear over and over again.

3. There is more hope in these stories than you might imagine. Yes, hearing about brokenness can be difficult but we see far more hope than you might imagine. We see more life and more growth despite pain and hurt. When someone abuses a child, that someone destroys another for their own purposes. But, time and time again we see resiliency–even when that person may have significant damage in their life. Often the abused person only sees their brokenness but we see how they are surviving and thriving. It reminds me of how I have seen trees growing up in the middle of abandoned parking lots. What was left as useless is supporting life, even developing an entire ecosystem.

4. You can only do this work if you also spend time with good things. One must imbibe in healthy and living things if one wants to work with death. This means spending time with creative things, with beauty, with life, with art, with music and the like. If you don’t do this, you will die on the vine and you are in great danger of hurting others.

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Shepherding Survivors of Sexual Abuse • EFCA Today


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shepherding Survivors of Sexual Abuse • EFCA Today.

Click the above link for a good read: 6 myths about shepherding sexual abuse survivors. Written by Andrew Schmutzer, OT prof at Moody and editor of the forthcoming multiauthored The Long Journey Home: Understanding and Ministering to the Sexually Abused (Wipf and Stock).

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The real damage done in abuse?


I’ve written before on the damage done when a community fails to respond to abuse in a justice oriented way. But here is a more succinct and apt quote by Miroslav Volf:

If no one remembers a misdeed or names it publically, it remains invisible. To the observer, its victim is not a victim and its perpetrator is not a perpetrator; both are misperceived because the suffering of the one and the violence of the other go unseen. A double injustice occurs—the first when the original deed is done and the second when it disappears. (italics mine)

Abuse victims sometimes tell us that the most significant damage to them is when community members (family, leaders, peers) fail to “see” or act justly when they hear of the abuse. It was bad enough to be sexually abused (yes, that is real damage too) but far worse to be told it didn’t happen or be told to take it for the sake of the larger community (e.g., you wouldn’t want to harm his reputation, destroy the family, cause others to fall away from Christ, etc.).

I saw this quote in the first pages of The Long Journey Home: Understanding and Ministering to the Sexually Abused, to be released soon by Resource Publications, an imprint of Wipf & Stock. I have the typeset PDF and the editor, Andrew Schmutzer, says the book will be released in August. This book (over 500 pages!) may become the place to turn for Christians seeking to understand the scourge of sexual abuse in all its ugly forms. Chapters are written by those who are expert in the social sciences, theology, and pastoral care. The line up is phenomenal. You can see the title page/table of contents (TOC Long Journey Home) to see the gamut of chapters and authors.

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Filed under Abuse, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, counseling, counseling science, pastors and pastoring, Psychology, ptsd, Uncategorized

Trafficking and Abuse Conference: Next Steps?


Posted at the conference website are a list of “Top Ten” next steps you can do following the conference. The point is not to be hearers only but also doers. Most of us aren’t going to be in the rescue business like IJM and probably most of us won’t be doing 10 years of intensive therapy with complex trauma victims. BUT, we all can do our part. So, even if you didn’t attend the conference…you can do something. As Bob Morrison said…”if you have no experience, no money, and no time…then you are perfect to be doing something about the problem of trafficking.”

DVDs can be purchased here.

The conference ended with a panel discussion. I was the emcee and collected a large grouping of questions. I won’t list them all here but let me give you the categories:

1. Victim questions. How to help as a counselor? As a pastor? What to do if you have been one and never came forward?

2. Church questions. Best policies to deal with offenders and victims? How to sensitize male leadership? How to address the problem of spiritual abuse?Aren’t victims who have sex with the pastor responsible, at least in part?

3. Spouse questions. What if you didn’t abuse your wife but she cannot tolerate intimacy? What is the best way to help as a spouse?

4. Offender questions. Can offenders be restored? What should the church role be? Are there any Christian offender programs out there?

Interesting set of questions. Good discussion. You can see the answers to some of these on the DVD.

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Abuse and Trafficking Conference: Final Plenary


The abuse and trafficking conference hosted by Biblical concluded by hearing from Dr. Diane Langberg about the problem of sexual abuse in Christian communities and a panel discussion of the speakers.You may order DVDs here for a ridiculously low price.

Diane began her talk by acknowledged that the very title of her talk, abuse in christian communities ought to be “the king” of oxymorons, something that makes no sense to us. But sadly, abuse does happen in our midst. She provided several examples, from missionary kids being abused, to pastors abusing counselees and camp counselors their children.

While the abuse is horrific, what is even more problematic is the way the Christian community often covers up and protects the “head” or their reputation at the cost of the victim’s right to justice and protection.

People in power are protected because they are gifted, important, and successful or considered necessary to the furtherance of the work of the kingdom of God.  Vulnerable sheep, who have not found it safe to graze, have been thrown out, silenced, slandered and frankly, abused yet again by the power structure of the body that is not following its Head

How does this happen? Diane listed several contributing factors

1. a culture of systems.While systems are not inherently bad, they do have a tendency to be self-preserving over against rooting out sickness. Families have ways of tolerating great sicknesses via denial:

No system – family, church, community or institution – is God’s work unless it is full of truth and love.  Toleration of sin, pretense, disease, crookedness or deviation from the truth means the system is in fact not the work of God, no matter the words used to describe it. We have a tendency as humans to submit ourselves to some command or idea of men, of the past, of tradition, of a systemic culture and in so doing, refuse to listen to and obey the living and ever present God.

2. Deception. “Sexual abuse requires both deception and coercion or an abuse of power.  The deception must first be of the self and then of the victim and the community.” Diane pointed out that a significant problem happens in the Church when abusers use spiritual language to deceive.

3. Power. There are various types: positional, verbal, theological, emotional, etc. We have the power to speak up for those who have been silenced. Our failure to do so is complicity with the crime of abuse.

4. Misunderstanding of repentance. Quoting a convicted abuser, Diane told us that many see Christians as easy to dupe…with a few tears and emotions. But repentance must take time and bear the fruit of acceptance restrictions, seeking the welfare of others (not the end of punishment). Anyone who asks for trust and believes he/she is worthy of it (after abuse) does not understand the Scripture’s teaching on deception and is therefore at risk for further abuse.

Finally, She ended with some principles to remember. Some of them included remembering that sexual offenses against minors are crimes and therefore we are to utilize the criminal justice system. Sex between a leader and a parishioner is NOT an affair but an abuse of power. Systems are not to be protected but the weak and God’s name. God is glorified by truth, not lies and cover-ups.

May we, who are already in positions of power and influence, lead the way by falling down on our faces, imploring God to make us like Himself no matter the cost to our positions, our programs, our organizations, our ministries, or our traditions so that His precious sheep may safely graze.

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Filed under Abuse, Biblical Seminary, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, deception, Diane Langberg, Doctrine/Theology

Abuse and Trafficking Conference: Day 2b


I attended Pearl Kim’s presentation in the afternoon. Pearl is the assistant DA in Delaware county. She works on SVU cases. I did not take notes during this presentation due to her excellent PPT and visuals (video clips, case materials). Sadly, she did not want her talk recorded so I cannot forward anything to readers. But, here are some important takeaways:

1. Abusers almost always “find Jesus” while awaiting sentencing. Pearl believes one of her many cases was in fact true. How does she know? This person asked her to give him the maximum sentence so he could get help and so he would not be able to abuse others. She commented on another convicted offender (rapist, attempted murder) who claimed to have found Jesus and even acknowledged that if it hadn’t been for Pearl’s work, he might not have stopped his behavior. However, this offender continued to violate an order of protection by mailing letters to the victim from jail. His refusal to obey a protection order suggests he is less than repentant.

2. Churches are too gullible. Repentance is not in a few words and tears (also mentioned by Diane). Recognize that the average! number of abuse victims for an offender before first arrest is about 50 with about 150 before incarceration.

3. Allow the legal system to do its job. While not perfect, the legal system is designed to work with victims and offenders. When churches try to determine truth (rather than reporting the possible abuse), they may make it impossible for an offender to be convicted. It is easy to contaminate a case, especially when child victims are involved.

4. Churches can do some good things: background checks for all childcare workers, policies for ministry leaders and their time with vulnerable parishioners, making the church a safe place.

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Filed under Abuse, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, counseling and the law