January 18, 2010 · 10:54 am

Counseling skills help pastors cope?


A couple of people sent me links to a recent news item out of Britain concerning the value of teaching counseling skills to pastors. Researchers there found that pastors who do a lot of emotion laden work with parishioners bear a heavy load (pretty obvious so it is nice to see that research doesn’t say otherwise). Those pastors with counseling skills training seem to cope better with the distress. I’ve not seen any in-depth description of the study so I can’t comment on why this might be the case. It could be that pastors with counseling training are more self-aware. It could be they are more positive on the benefits of talk therapy and so utilize it for themselves. It could be they feel more effective in their counseling work and therefore feel less helpless.

Whatever the case, I’m happy that it supports my coursework teaching counseling skills to pastors.

Read about the research:  CT’s news blurb, Medical News blurb

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January 14, 2010 · 5:00 am

Free Career Clinic at Biblical Seminary!


Mark it down! Monday, February 8 is Biblical’s annual free career clinic and it is open to the public? Need a jump-start to finding a new career? Want some advice on your resumé? Pam Smith and Debra Franke oversee recent MA grads (and now students in our postgrad Career Counseling class) in the clinic. Each year we get rave reviews for this. The students are well-trained AND you get 2 heads (the supervisor and the student) helping you come up with some new ideas.

Check out this Career Clinic Flyer 2010 (2) and call 215.368.5000, x106 to reserve a spot. I imagine that they will be glad to do phone appointments if you live outside of our region.

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January 13, 2010 · 5:28 am

Follow-up on expressing vulnerable feelings to a loved one


Yesterday I commented on a series of studies indicating that expressing insecurities to a romantic partner might lead to perpetuating them (because of our impressions of our vulnerabilities, what we think they think of us, and our suspicions that they don’t really care). Today, I want to list the major findings of the 5 studies. See what you think of these interpretations of the data:

  • “Study 1 demonstrated that people believe expressions of regard toward interpersonally insecure and vulnerable others are relatively inauthentic.” (p. 436).
  • “Studies 2A, 2B, and 4 suggest that, when people believe they have expressed vulnerabilities to a romantic partner or friend, they believe they are viewed especially vulnerable, which in turn predicts their suspicion regarding the authenticity of the other’s expressions of positive regard and acceptance.” (ibid)
  • “Study 4 suggests that this process can operate independently of the partner’s appraisals of vulnerability and reported authenticity.” (ibid)
  • Study 5 seems to show that when subjects appraise themselves as vulnerable they doubt a new acquaintance’s expressions of pleasure (even though the new person didn’t see the subject as vulnerable.
  • Studies 3 and 4 seem to indicate that when you have doubts about your partner’s authentic expression of love, you then perceive acts of caring in a more pessimistic manner. “In particular, authenticity doubts may result in a downward estimation of the partner’s true regard and acceptance, as expressions of positive are presumed to be exaggerated and clandestine rejection can be inferred from the partner’s presumed cautious orientation.” (ibid)

SO, do you think those who express vulnerabilities then are only placated and thus receive inauthentic expressions of kindness? Have you experienced yourself devaluing objective kind acts by re-interpreting them through a lens of pessimism? “He’s only doing that because he wants me to let him have his way.” Now, that could be true, but if you find yourself regularly dismissing acts of caring then you might want to explore where your assumptions are coming from.

What should we do? We should express our insecurities and then seek to listen to our loved one with the best possible interpretation and seek to be specific and concrete in pointing out how their actions/attitudes impact us. If we are the one listening to a loved one tell us that they are not feeling secure, then we ought to express warmth, concern, etc. Put off the defensiveness and put yourself in their shoes. If you were worried, you would want another to comfort and care for you–not call you an idiot for thinking that way.

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Filed under counseling science, Psychology, Relationships

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January 12, 2010 · 5:06 am

Perpetuating vulnerable feelings?


Feel unsure of your mate’s love for you? Should you tell them that you are not feeling safe or secure in the relationship? When you tell them (accuse them of not caring?) and they profess their love for you, what will tell you that you can believe their promises? What will tell you to doubt their words?

Two Yale University psychologists (E. Lemay, Jr and M. Clark) explore this problem in 2008 in their “Walking on Eggshells: How Expressing Relationship Insecurities Perpetuates Them” (Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, v95, 420-441).

Their study is fairly long (5 studies in fact). But here are some key points.

When people feel insecure about a partner’s regard and acceptance, they often judge their own prior behavior as having communicated insecurity and emotional vulnerability to the partner. Consequently, they come to believe that they are viewed as especially insecure and vulnerable. Then, due to shared beliefs that people walk on eggshells around insecure, vulnerable others, such reflected appraisals of vulnerability elicit doubts about the authenticity of the partner’s expressions of regard and acceptance. Once authenticity is doubted, positive expressions are discounted, negative expressions are augmented, and hidden negative regard is inferred even when partners are accepting and actually hold positive regard. (p. 436)

What they are saying is that our own anxiety fuels are belief that they know we are vulnerable and are tiptoeing around us and that we doubt they love us and then we read their actions through a lens that denies the evidence of love and declares their love to be inauthentic. Which of course, we then share with them. Repeat this action and sooner or later they don’t want to be declared a liar anymore and distance from us thereby proving our deepest fears of abandonment.

In short, anticipated rejection leads to presumption that it has happened and that any activity countering that presumption is rejected and re-read through the lens of rejection. Because that is what we believe happens to weak people–they are abandoned.

So, should we keep our fears to ourself? No say the researchers. Then what should be done? The researchers say only a little on this (since it is not the focus of their research here). But, challenging cognitive distortions are at the top their list? What distortions in particular? Believing that others see you as weak as you feel; challenging the interpretations of another’s motivation. Also in their suggestions is practicing reading the commitment of the mate to the relationship by re-appraising and collecting the evidence of authentic responses from that mate.

The next time you feel the need to express your fears that your mate doesn’t really love you check to see whether your insecurity isn’t already telling you the answer you fear and rejecting evidence to the contrary. Dig a little and you may be able to find evidence that shows they love you. Then, be specific and tell them one concrete thing you would like to see changed, something that bothers you. Do it in love so as to not trigger their fears that you do not love them. Be wary of listening too much to your fears!

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Filed under Anxiety, counseling science, Psychology

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January 11, 2010 · 2:02 pm

Psychiatric labeling: The problem isn’t the label


Christians tend to have some strong feelings about counseling, psychology, psychiatry and similar terms. Come to think of it, most people, regardless of faith, have strong feelings about these topics. Experiences dictate much of these reactions. Experiences, such as:

  • experiencing or hearing of a mental health representative (mhp) belittling Christianity
  • experiencing or hearing of an arrogant, controlling, or completely incompetent mhp
  • experiencing or hearing of a positive experience where someone found relief or change or insight
  • feeling either helped or stigmatized by a received diagnosis or a use of medication

In psychopathology class tonight, we will explore the background behind psychiatric classifications. How did we get the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual? What are its underpinnings? There are a couple of common concerns about the DSM

  • It purports to be atheoretical and descriptive only
  • Diagnoses suggest objective and distinct “things”
  • It medicalizes problems in living
  • Under one diagnosis (e.g., depression) you can have such wide variety of symptoms
  • Therapists have sizeable disagreements on diagnoses so are they all that helpful?
  • It is leveraged by insurance in ways that make it a liability
  • It doesn’t address matters of the heart or spirit
  • It has political overtones
  • It treats most problems in an individualistic fashion without account for family systems

Every one of these concerns has merit. However, the biggest problem I have is not with the DSM itself but with many of its users. The complaints that are raised about the DSM usually come from someone mis-using the DSM.

Remember the simple explanation of a problem almost always distorts it. Thus, the simplistic use of diagnostic labels almost always does damage.

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Filed under counseling, counseling science, History of Psychology, Psychology

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January 8, 2010 · 10:00 am

Are you bringing your friends’ mood down? Why your happiness matters


Did you know that your friends’ friends’ friends can effect your happiness? So says researchers looking at the longitudinal Framingham Heart Study started in 1948.  The previous link is to a research publication on the topic. If you are happy, you likely increase the happiness of those in your social network–even if they do not have direct contact with you. You make your friends happy who in turn make their friends happier…if they live in closer proximity to each other.

Of course this study begs some questions. Does unhappiness make others more unhappy or do unhappy people merely lose their friends? The study looks at positive emotions. What are the differences between positive emotions and happiness? Would the same effect exist if studying contentment? peace? Or, are we really studying the ability of folks to buck up in social networks? Those that do not are on the periphery and therefore more unhappy. Finally, Framingham is a relatively affluent small city. Would the same effect exist in N. Philly?

But, it does raise some good challenges for us. In the midst of suffering (and there seems to be more and more of it in my social spheres!) are there ways that we need to be working to raise our positive affect? Intentionally seeking to think and talk about the good and not just the bad? Have a friend with cancer? How do you make sure to include conversations about beauty, joy, pleasure? Is your church in a funk? Are you stressed at work or school? Listen to your conversations with others. Do they dwell on the negative? Are their positives that you are neglecting to discuss and notice?

Surely you should not be a “pollyanna.” This is not an invitation to denial nor a rebuke of those who find themselves groaning under a burden. But, try laughing a little more heartily. It might cheer your friends up.

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January 7, 2010 · 5:33 pm

Accepting our part of the problem


Notice how hard it is to own our own stuff? Especially when the other person is the bigger problem? Consider the following conversation:

Speaker A: He’s such a jerk! I never want to talk to him again.

Speaker B: What happened?

Speaker A: He never told me that the assignment was due today or that it had to be done up professional. He just yelled at me when I asked him a question and told me I was going to get written up and reported to _____.

Speaker B: Wow that was so unlike him. He must have had something that was bothering him. Aren’t your assignments listed for you ahead of time?

Speaker A: Yeah, they are listed, but I wasn’t there when they put them up and because I have so much to do I couldn’t check what was listed and anyway he should tell me or at least cut me some slack since I work my butt off for him.

Without considering the wrongs or the mistakes of leader (which may be numerous!), notice that speaker A doesn’t tell you that he/she has a habit of forgetting to look at the assignment list nor that when the unnamed “he” called speaker A on messing up, speaker A then spoke in sarcastic and demeaning and defensive tones.

This is a fictional account. And yet we all struggle with saying, “I didn’t like how he treated me but to be fair, I keep forgetting to do what he asked.” “I wish he didn’t yell at me in front of everyone, but I have to admit I was goofing off and talking when I shouldn’t.” If I yell at my kids it is because I was tired or they deserved it. If I speed, it was because I was late. If I’m late it was because of bad traffic. If I didn’t finish my writing assignment it was because of some last-minute crisis. Notice how we take truths and turn them into defenses and thus avoid any blame at all.

What if you are only 10% of the blame for a conflict and your child/spouse/coworker/parent is to blame for the other 90%? Do you find it hard to say, “You know, when we were fighting yesterday, I said _________ and that was hurtful and wrong. Will you forgive me?” Do you find it hard to stop at the end of the sentence without adding, “but you….”

I do. So do my clients and my kids. We seem to think that if we acknowledge our part we let the other party off the hook. In fact, most frequently, when we own our part, the other party is MORE likely to own their stuff too.

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January 6, 2010 · 11:33 am

Some thoughts on “This Emotional Life”


Caught part II of a 3 part, 6 hour, series on PBS last night. This Emotional Life, moderated by Dr. Dan Gilbert. I recommend you check out, at minimum their website but if you get a chance, tonight your local pbs station may air the 3rd part. The website includes lots of info about the various topics, individuals interviewed, and the whole first episode (which I have yet to watch). The series focuses on love and family relationships and attachment (#1), negative emotions such as anger, fear, and depression (#2), and happiness (#3).

Now, there are a number of irritations I have about the program but the good outweighs the bad. What don’t I like?  I don’t like the way they say, “Science says…” and then do not discriminate between data and interpretation of said data. I don’t like the repetitive evolutionary comments. For example, “the newer part of your brain can’t communicate with the older part” assumes that because we have a cerebral cortex and animals don’t have as well-developed cortexes, that part of our brain is “newer.” Further, the view of humanity in episode 2 seems to be that of the human physical robot. There is no space for the spiritual. One quote from the episode, “Mental illness is nothing less than a physical illness that has psychological consequences.” It is as if emotions are only chemical.

But these small problems can be easily forgiven. Here’s what I like from episode 2:

  • The honest admissions of struggles of celebrities (e.g., Katie Couric’s admission she has intrusive thoughts of jumping off high balconies, Chevy Chase’s admission of depression, etc.)
  • The gripping stories of struggler’s with anger, anxiety, and depression (especially two vet’s struggle with PTSD) and the significant impact of the struggles on the other family members
  • You really get a window into their interactions with their therapists. Lots of good video that is rare to see!
  • The scientific discoveries relating to the brain and the experiences of these negative emotions. For example:
    • Stress hormones seem to strengthen memory formation. Thus traumatic experiences likely etch bad memories much deeper than other memories.
    • Re-appraisal (neutral re-evaluation) of events where you experience negative emotions supports more control of these emotions whereas rumination causes us to be more reactive
    • Prolonged exposure therapy (telling, retelling and retelling again) for PTSD patients seems to have significant positive benefits (though it defies logic–most people want to get away from their bad memories)
    • Depressed individuals tend to have reduced hippocampus volume. Antidepressants and ECT seem not merely to change brain chemistry but actually increase cell growth. Depression actually seems to change the brain and antidepressant use stops hippocampus shrinkage

A couple of other interesting tidbits:

  • Emotion regulation: not trying to turn off emotion but tools to change the course of emotion
  • “Don’t believe everything you think.” But, we tend to nonetheless
  • Struggling with overwhelming anxiety? Accept that you have these feelings (crying, tension, fear), accept that they are physiological experiences, avoid labeling them as awful. You will have scary thoughts and you can live with them
  • “What is the worst thing that could happen right now?” I might cry. “And what if you do?” That would be bad. By accepting these emotions you can distance from the meaning you are applying to them.
  • There are biological indicators in those who are highly reactive to stress. These folks can’t help their reaction but they can recognize their tendencies and respond differently to them.
  • Untreated mental illness is harder to treat if left untreated for long periods of time.
  • Richard Lewis on the benefits of therapy and getting to talk about things he never talked about with anyone: “Maybe for the time I left her (his therapist) office til I got in my car I was floating on air”. Hmm, is that worth the 150 dollars he probably paid?

Finally, I leave you with this. Perceptions of progress, or lack thereof, have a huge impact on your perceptions of happiness. One young girl thought her ECT would help sooner than it did. When it did not, she crashed even worse. Even more than our physiology of emotions, our perceptions of our well-being and our progress often dictate our beliefs about ourselves and our futures.

If you saw it, what did you think?

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Filed under anger, Anxiety, counseling, Psychiatric Medications, Psychology

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January 5, 2010 · 5:03 am

Standing with Rwanda


For those interested in pictures (from the Rwanda Embassy in DC) and formal information about what the AACC, Dr. Diane Langberg, and others including myself are planning on doing in Rwanda, click the following: MOU AACC alert.

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January 4, 2010 · 12:39 pm

Psychopathology Monday


Happy New Year all. Our semester begins today with the first session of Psychopathology for the first year students. Before launching into the various forms of mental illness and emotional maladies, we consider the larger concept of suffering. Without a careful understanding of (a) the nature, causes, and theology of suffering, (b) the meanings of suffering, and (c) our beliefs and responses to suffering, we counselors become a dangerous lot. We fall prey to simplistic understandings and responses–and fall prey to false hope and false despair.

Sound like a great way to start of the New Year? It does to me because we now have an opportunity to look at ourselves and our world with more realistic eyes than we may have during the stress of the holidays.

Coincidentally, we had a Sunday School class yesterday on the topic of suffering. Our church has buried 10 people who died before their time (so it seems to us!) in the past 5 years. Not only have we had these tragedies, we’ve also splanted a church and been in a transitional malaise for maybe 7 years? The class allowed individuals to talk about suffering and heartache. Good class. We heard those who felt that what was going on was a message from the Lord, from those who just felt confused and in pain, from those who felt the nearness of the Lord during these normal ups and downs of life in a fallen world.

What was said in multiple ways was that one’s perspective or expectations about suffering really impact how one feels about the struggle of life. If you expect life to always be healthy then repeated sicknesses and death will set you back. Someone said there that if you lived in a dirt hut that moving into a trailer would seem wonderful but if you lived in a palace, the trailer would seem a terrible thing.

So, what should we think about suffering and the seeming explosion of death and heartache?

  1. God is saying something AND yet He may not be sending some special message to us
  2. Our actions may cause some of our own suffering but living more righteous lives does not prevent suffering
  3. Suffering is to be expected in this world AND yet it is NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE
  4. Isolation and failure to connect to others in suffering ALWAYS makes that suffering worse
  5. Even those who only observe those in suffering suffer as well and need to connect with others in order to avoid despair
  6. Good may come out of suffering, but suffering itself is not good
  7. God, through the cross, bears our suffering and yet it still hurts
  8. It will not last forever

Finally, how do you respond to suffering? Turn away? Become numb? Angry? Probably all the above, right? Take a moment to consider how you respond to suffering right in front of you and watch yourself for those trite statements that can hurt those who are already in pain.

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