March 25, 2011 · 7:27 pm

The last piece of candy?


In the back of our counseling office there is a kitchen. In the kitchen there are some little bins that sometimes have candy in them. I think there is a little candy elf that fills them from time to time. This week, there were little individually wrapped chocolates. During one day the number went down from several to one. I confess I had one of them.

But then the one remaining candy languished. Would no one choose to be the eater of the last candy? Apparently not. Maybe this has happened to you. There is one more cookie or candy left. Do you eat it? Or, do you leave it? What does it say about your personality if you want it but leave it? What does it say about you if you are the one who will eat the last piece?

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March 23, 2011 · 2:42 pm

Trafficking and abuse Conference: Theology of Justice and violence to women


Over the next few posts I plan to highlight some good points from the trafficking and abuse conference. For those who didn’t make it, you can order the DVDs for only $9.95 total! Here is the form and here is the website where they are described. The website also advertises our next event in this lecture series (Dec 1-3, 2011).

Bethany Hoang of IJM opened the conference on Thursday night by reminding us that justice is at the heart of worship. It is not merely a social matter. Proverbs 14:31 pairs justice with worship and honor of God:

He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.

And Jesus tells us in Matt 23:23b that the “weightier matters” of the Christian life have to do with justice and mercy:

But you have neglected the more important matters of the law–justice, mercy, and faithfulness

(Later in the conference, Diane Langberg reminded us that complacency is complicity with those who are committing these crimes.)

Bethany went on to describe the historical rift between social action and conservative views of Scripture. The fundamentalism/liberalism debate of the early 20th century caused many to equate justice ministries with liberalism and is only now becoming more prominent in evangelical circles. Justice, said Bethany, must be grounded in Christ or else we will burn out.

So, we look to Christ. Where does he call us to join him? In dying to self. Bethany quoted Karl Barth here: Jesus calls us to live in the neighborhood of Golgotha, the neighborhood of death. Let us remember that our tangible efforts toward justice are to point to Christ and ought to reveal the character of God.

Diane Langberg spoke to the audience about violence to women. There are some very consistent facts:

  • 1:3 women experience sexual violence in their lifetime (1:6 men); 1:5 women experience rape
  • 5 million women suffer domestic violence every year in the US. It is the number one cause of injury in women 15-44.

The definition of genocide (from Rwanda) actually fits the data on how women are treated. When you consider gender-based violence (from abortion to murder, to rape, etc. ), more women have been killed in the last fifty years than people died in all of the battles of the 20th century put together. Approximately 100 million women are missing from the planet (per the Economist). In addition, the crime of genocide can be levied on those who are complicit, who do not act to stop this violence. Thus, are we complicit in the church for failing to adequately protect our girls and women. When we fail to identify and name evil for what it is, we are accomplices to a crime.

One of the most powerful parts of her talk was her review of how Jesus exhibited counter-cultural care for women. For example he,

  • had a woman traveling with him
  • allowed a woman of ill-repute to touch him
  • engaged in conversation with the woman at the well, another woman of sketchy background
  • completed his first miracle to bless the marriage of a woman
  • Did not condemn the woman caught in adultery
  • Had compassion on a gentile woman wanting some “crumbs” of healing
  • Provided for his mother with his final breaths
  • Had a woman be the first reporter of his resurrection

We fight in church about the role of women in ministry and about headship/submission. Maybe it is time to start addressing the matter of the dignity of all women and how men honor their head, Jesus Christ, when they act in ways that acknowledge this inherent dignity.

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March 21, 2011 · 9:43 am

Debunking myths about marital sex


[NOTE: This week I plan to highlight some of last week’s sex trafficking and sexual abuse conference hosted by the Seminary. We had great numbers for the event but some readers aren’t local so I want everyone to get a bit out of the conference.]

Yesterday I was at Church of the Savior in order to speak on the topic of sex to their pre-marital class. One of the goals I have is to debunk a number of myths pre-marrieds might have about sex. So, here are some of the myths (in no particular order):

Marital Sex is best when couples achieve simultaneous orgasms

Few couples actually ever achieve this (less than 25%) and those who do report that it takes much effort. Good marital sex is about giving and receiving mutual pleasure. It is not a competition but an opportunity to love and serve each other

Couples should expect intercourse to last a long time

Contrary to media depictions, intercourse isn’t likely to last for long period of time. First, most males are likely to ejaculate within 3 minutes of vigorous thrusting. Sorry for the graphic nature of this but facts are facts. Believe it or not, someone has done the research having couples count thrusts. Average? 30. Second, vaginal tissues aren’t designed to withstand that amount of friction that would happen in a lengthy intercourse. It is essential for couples to realize that sex is much more than intercourse and orgasm. It starts with the relationship OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Trust and commitment lead to a capacity to be vulnerable with each other. It includes acts of service. If you count emotional intimacy and verbal foreplay, then sex does last forever.

Healthy couples have similar sexual desires

Actually, in every couple there will be one with higher sexual desire and one with lower desire. This is NOT a problem. Also, the one with the lower desire will control the sexual relationship (that person decides which requests for sex to say yes to and which to say no to) and this too is NOT a problem nor unfair. Couples do not get off track with differing levels of desire. They get off track when either one personalizes the disparity. For example, if the one who desires more sex assumes that a “no” to their request is personal and an attack then there is going to be a problem. If the one who desires less feels coerced or guilty for not wanting to have sex, then there is going to be a problem.

Marital sex will be boring if you are not always trying out new techniques

Sex can be exactly the same each time and yet not boring. What makes sex boring is the attitude and the attention span. If you are not “present” during sex, then it won’t be that exciting. If you are present and prepared to enjoy your experience, you likely will enjoy it. While trying new things in the bedroom can be good, those who believe they must try new things all the time may reveal that they are never satisfied and are on a quest for something beyond mutual pleasure. The lure of “new” and the quest for an over-the-moon experience may reveal addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.

Boring isn’t the biggest problem in the bedroom. Trust and vulnerability levels predict sexual pleasure far more than “new” and “exciting” ideas. So, levels of conflict, criticism, unwillingness to be influenced by one’s spouse, rigidity, unwillingness to listen to the fears/dreams of each other, and the tyranny of the urgent are more likely to kill intimacy in the bedroom than would boredom.

Good sex needs to be spontaneous

Actually, good sex is more likely to be planned. True, it can be spontaneous. But unlike the various erectile dysfunction ads, most people find that planning is more likely to get them in the mood than stopping in the middle of some house work and running upstairs to the bedroom.

Past sexual abuse or prior sexual behaviors will always hinder good marital sex

It is true that abuse and shame regarding past sexual experiences (wanted or unwanted) have an impact on one’s identity. These experiences have a way of changing us and do not usually disappear. However, a couple who has worked hard to build a trusting, safe relationship can find ways to express their sexuality that honors each other. Good communication will help non-abused spouses to understand how to help their loved one avoid triggers and to respond well when a trigger happens. Couples that demand sex to fit into stereotypes and limited forms may struggle more than those who are willing to be creative and broad in their definition of sexual expressions of love.

Want to kill your marital sexual relationship? Start comparing!

Comparing what you have to what you expected or what you think others have tends to make you jealous, fearful, hurt, disappointed, etc. Stop comparing and start noticing what God has given you and enjoy that.

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March 17, 2011 · 4:01 pm

Trauma the greatest mission field of this time?


Sometimes a line you say strikes a nerve. It happened this morning when Diane Langberg made a passing comment to attendees at the She’s My Sister impact summit. Diane was to make some introductory comments about the nature of trauma and the fact that God’s children, the body of Christ, “are to follow the head” into the problem of injustice. Following her I was to make some summary of the trauma healing advisory council’s work from the previous day.

To a room full of ministry leaders (from World Relief, IJM, Saddleback Church, American Bible Society and other international societies), Diane made this statement,

Trauma is the greatest mission field of this time.

Soon after a number of folks began running with this idea. Trauma, they could see, is an opportunity serve others and bring the Gospel to bear in word and deed. Trauma is everywhere. The need is overwhelming. The Gospel has something to say about the experience of suffering and what the Christian life offers to suffering people. One of the first ways people heal from traumatic events is when they are able to speak their experience; when they feel heard and cared for. They realize they matter.

Abolition of slavery was the great mission field of the 19th century. Trauma may be that field for this season.

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March 16, 2011 · 5:50 am

Why we forget life is precious


Life is precious. One day things are good, then the world crashes in. A person in your circle is here one day, gone in a tragic event the next. One day you live on a seaside community, the next your community doesn’t exist because a tsunami wiped it away.

At these moments we know that whatever good we experience in this life is a bit more fleeting. And so we hug friends and family a bit tighter for a few days.

But then we tend to go back to existing. Existing is that form of living that does not consider blessings, opportunities, etc. Rather, it is a form of living that reacts to the moment without awareness of the greater meaning of life. When we live a reactive life we become enslaved to the next thing, the “need” or desire in front of us.

We forget because we lose perspective. It is hard to keep perspective in mind while caring for the mundane things of life. The way to keep perspective is to put ourselves regularly in spaces that will encourage wider thinking. Here are some ideas (no particular order):

1. Caring for others less fortunate. Seeing someone else’s needs usually stimulates our being grateful for what we have.

2. Reading from another’s perspective. The best way to do this, as a Christian, is to be in the Word. The next best way to do this is to be connected to others who Love God but come from another culture.

3. Have a couple of questions that you practice asking yourself about family members. What is God up to in his/her life? How is this person showing signs of growth? It is easy to come up with any set of questions but harder to remember to ask them.

4. Prayer for the world. Gets us out of our own wants.

5. Ask others: What has happened to you today that is worth remembering? Too often we only remember what isn’t working. Meditating on worthier subjects reminds us that everything in the world is not broken all the time.

6. Remember your history. The Bible is full of reminders of what God is up to in the world. The prophets wanted Israel to remember who they were (God’s chosen) by recalling their history.

 

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March 15, 2011 · 5:45 am

Where do pastors go to talk about ministry failures?


I’ve run across a conference topic that is so important I want to pass it on to the rest of you. I have not been asked to hype this and I don’t really know the people doing it (know them by name, not by person).

If you are a pastor…especially if you are a church planter…where do you go to talk about failure? Ask a pastor if he or she talks about failure at pastor’s conferences. Nope, not usually. Most just keep quiet about it.

Enter Epic Fail Pastor’s Conference. Check out their plans and times. Hey, it only costs about 80 bucks. Cheaper than going to 1 hour of therapy and you get the benefit of not being by yourself.

 

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March 14, 2011 · 5:45 am

Trauma week


This week might well be named trauma week–both due to the topic and amount of work. My schedule looks like this

Monday: Tonight’s Psychopathology class covers trauma and dissociation.

Tuesday: Spending the morning with Diane Langberg, Baraka Paulette (a Rwandan Counselor), and Carol King planning our October trip to Rwanda, the DRC and possibly a couple other countries. We will be, Lord willing, teaching and training Rwandans. The meeting is to focus on what exactly we will teach lay, pastoral, and professional individuals in regard to trauma training. Our goal is to train trainers to do the work.

Wednesday: From 9a to 9p I will be co-chairing an advisory committee (with Diane) giving the American Bible Society some feedback on their trauma healing materials and methods. The ABS has initiated She’s My Sister, a plan to address rampant rape in the Great Lakes region of Africa.

Thursday: In the AM we will be reporting to the ABS and their partners (Saddleback, World Relief, IJM, and others) on our work from the day before. In the PM we will be launching Biblical Seminary’s conference on sex trafficking and sexual abuse in the christian community. [NOTE: the conference is FREE but almost filled up. Just a few seats left. IF you want to go, you need to sign up now as it will be capped!]

Friday: Conference continues! Speakers include Diane Langberg, Bethany Hoang, Pearl Kim, and Robert Morrison.

Saturday: Conference continues til lunch. I get to chair a panel discussion to close it out

Sunday: To top off the week, I will teach a class at a local church on the topic of sex. The audience is a premarital class. The trauma here won’t be mine. Usually there is some poor embarrassed soul in the front row  🙂

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March 10, 2011 · 10:22 pm

Peanut butter invention?


Peanut butter is a semi-solid and can therefor...

Image via Wikipedia

Okay, this doesn’t fit into the usual category of posts on this site but…How do you get natural peanut butter to mix well?

I love the taste of natural peanut butter but when you open the jar for the first time, the oil is sitting on the top. So, you stick a knife or spoon in and start stirring. Usually, I’m not careful enough and some of the oil spills out. Or, I give up after a bit and just start eating. But, not stirring it well enough means that when I get to the bottom, the peanut butter will be dry and hard.

So, how do get it to mix well? Think Home Depot would let me bring my jar to their paint shaking machines (used to mix paint really well)? I wonder if that would do the trick.

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March 9, 2011 · 5:13 am

Suffering and infertility


Some 18-19 years ago my wife and I were struggling with the secret pain of infertility. When everyone around seemed to be getting pregnant we couldn’t…and didn’t. Now, almost 2 decades later, the pain is a distant event in the past. I hesitate to say this because too often suffering people are patted on the back and given trite words of “encouragement”, but…I am thankful for the suffering because it has improved my sense of compassion for others and also my awareness of how God meets us in our pain.

But make no mistake, it wasn’t easy. And I don’t want to go through it again.

Some years ago we wrote about our experience and our spiritual struggles in an essay in the Journal of Biblical Counseling (CCEF’s journal). I mention all this because a friend of mine on staff at a church in NC wrote a short note about it (following a sermon on Zechariah and Elizabeth) and linked to the journal article. You can read my friend Brad’s intro here in their church blog.

Funny thing, this article seems to get more comments from readers than all of the other writings I’ve published put together. I guess it really touches a nerve. And not just with infertile couples. We’ve had comments from those who have had other kinds of losses as well.

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March 8, 2011 · 5:58 am

How many patients can you see in a day?


Ask a counselor and you might hear of one who has seen 10 clients in a day…10 hours of therapy. I suppose I”ve done as many as 12 or 13 but that was a rare case and likely some emergency.

What about seeing 40… in one day!?

That is what some psychiatrists do. Of course, to do that many, most patients are seen only for 15 minute med checks rather than the 90 minute first session for first-time patients. Psychiatrists used to be the primary therapists. But with the advent of psychiatric medicines,  many psychiatrists no longer do therapy and only make diagnoses and prescribe/manage medicines. For an interesting view from the psychiatrist’s chair, check out this NY Times article interacting with a local psychiatrist who has worked through the transition from therapist to med manager.  See how he tries to not get too involved with patient problems given that he hasn’t the time to do much on the fixing end.

There are only two reasons why anyone would see so many clients in one day

1. Economics. More volume, more money. Plain and simple.

2. Demand. Good psychiatrists are hard to come by. Even more true if you are talking about child psychiatry! If you find a good one, chances are you have to get in line.

Now, before anyone thinks I’m taking shots at psychiatrists, let me tell you I am not. A good psychiatrist is a very helpful aid to us psychologists. Family Docs and other general practitioners may be able to prescribe but I find psychiatrists (good ones!) really know their compounds and are much better at titrating doses. And not all of them just throw pills at the problem. Even in short interactions, the psychiatrist to whom I refer has been able to help my clients understand themselves just a bit better.

Back to the original question: just how many different people can you meet with in a day and still be attentive? When I started out counseling, I could barely see two people in a row before being overwhelmed. Now, I regularly see 8-10 on a day (okay, I only do this one day per week, but before becoming a prof I did 25-30 per week). I can attest that it is a learned skill and I don’t think the last client gets less of me than the first. That said, there is a limit and a point at which what I do suffers.

What is your patient/client limit?

For me, it is less about the number of sessions and more about whether I eat and have a moment to go to the bathroom. There’s nothing that kills the focus as much as a bursting bladder and 45 minutes to go!

I’ll leave you with a funny story. At a doctoral practicum I saw clients late into the evening. My last client of the evening (same person each week) had a habit of bringing me Starbucks coffee. I think he was trying to make sure he was going to get his money’s worth out of me!

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