2 Reasons Why Every Church Needs an Abuse Response Plan


We all know that we shouldn’t wait until our house is on fire to purchase insurance on our home. We all know that a will is necessary before we die. But, do you know that most churches do not have any plan to deal with an allegation of child or adult abuse? While no plan is foolproof and almost every abuse allegation contains unique features requiring difficult decision-making, a basic plan usually contains directions for who will make sure plans are carried out and how the church will handle both victim and offender.

Why Don’t Churches Have a Plan?

Maybe one of the reasons many churches fail to have a plan is that they aren’t really convinced a plan is central to the work of the Gospel–as central as a doctrinal statement or the preaching of the Word. Maybe such a plan is seen as a necessary evil like unto car insurance, something you know you should have but are annoyed to pay such a large bill even though you haven’t needed to use the benefit.

2 Better Reasons!

Read my faculty post here  over at www.biblical.edu for 2 Gospel reasons why every Christian organization needs an abuse response plan.

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Filed under Abuse, biblical counseling, christian counseling, church and culture, counseling, pastors and pastoring, Psychology

3 Signs of Repentance Every Church Leader Should Learn


Regular readers will notice that I have posted little of late. The combination of too much to do at this point in the semester (2 weeks to go!) plus nothing much to say are the reasons why. However, I have a new post over at the faculty blog at www.biblical.edu. This post is a version of a short essay that I wrote for the AACC Christian Counseling Today magazine in 2006.

On regular occasions church leaders request consultations about complex pastoral cases in their churches. The most frequent consultation has to do with some form of abuse or offense by one parishioner against another. The offending party wants to be reconciled with the victim party but the victim party is hesitant if not downright refusing such reconciliation. In other situations, the church is trying to figure how long to discipline or restrict the parishioner. The big question is commonly,

“How do we know when [name] is really repentant?”

Here’s the problem with answering this question. The fruits of repentance are quite hard to distinguish from their counterfeits. Tears, words, and time are poor estimates of true repentance. However, there are some very good evidences of repentance. Click GRACE Repentance for my 3 signs every church leader should know.

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Filed under Abuse, Relationships, Repentance

Word choice matters!


Counselors often use what they call “additive” words to help flesh out the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of their clients. For example,

CLIENT: I feel so frustrated about how long it is taking for me to hear about the job I applied for.

COUNSELOR: You’re feeling anxious?

Certainly, my example is superficial and simple but you get the point. Frustrated doesn’t really adequately describe the true feelings of the client. We sometimes need help with defining what we really feel, think, or believe. This word addition happened to me today in a powerful way.

Today I was telling someone about a repeated discouragement I have experienced in recent months. In describing my experience I used the word “rumination” to describe the re-occurring thought pattern. She deftly said just one word.

“Grumbling?” [well, in fairness, that is what I remember]

That one word changes everything. When I choose to describe myself as having a repeating thought–a rumination–I am accurate if I am speaking only about the repeating part of the thought pattern. But notice that “rumination” doesn’t evaluate attitude or belief. What my trusted friend was trying to tell me was that I was allowing myself to have a pity party. I was accepting the disappointment feelings without any evaluation of what it was that I believed about the situation at hand. Truthfully, she was right. I was accepting the thoughts and feelings as accurate rather than interpretative of my situation.

Now, I am not arguing that those who have actual ruminations (a part of OCD) are all grumbling. But, it is a good reminder that the words we use do shape our perceptions of our life! We do not just respond to disappointments, we interpret them.

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Filed under Cognitive biases, counseling, counseling skills

Thoughts on closure by Bryan Maier


Is closure after trauma, grief, or some other sort of suffering a realistic goal? If so, how would you know when you arrived?

My colleague, Bryan Maier has a short review post of the book Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What it Costs Us. I think you will find his thoughts compelling to consider.

Sounds like a book we should all read.

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Why we react and then think


Human brain parts during a fear amygdala hijac...

Human brain parts during a fear amygdala hijack from optical stimulus. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ever wonder why? Check out this quote by Richard McNally¹ about the role of the amygdala,

LeDoux discovered two pathways for activating the amygdala, a subcortical structure integral to the experiences and expression of conditioned fear. One pathway rapidly transmits sensory input about fear stimuli to the amygdala via a subcortical route, whereas the second pathway passes through the cortex, taking twice as long to reach the amygdala. Subcortical activation of the amygdala makes it possible for a fight-or-flight reaction to begin even before information about fear-evoking stimulus has reached conscious awareness via the cortical route.” (p. 178, emphases mine)

If this is true, then in anxiety and intense emotion-producing events our brains begin the reaction phase prior to any thought processes. If true, then we might consider

  1. The goal of trauma treatment or anger management is NOT to avoid having reactions but to more quickly reach cognitions and alternative emotions that help moderate a negative reaction
  2. the empirical evidence for the clinical process whereby a client adopts a neutral reaction as opposed to a negative reaction is quite lacking. There are a number of models that process to “cool down” the amygdala, but these treatments often lack serious empirical support.

So, the next time you instantly react in a way that bothers you, don’t be so hard on yourself. Instead stop yourself, take a deep breath, work to analyze the situation and to lean into a post hoc truth. We have our hands full enough with what we know we need to do, we don’t need to worry so much about our first reaction.

¹McNally, R.J. (2003). Remembering Trauma. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

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Filed under anger, Anxiety, counseling, counseling science, trauma

2 reasons why finding the root problem may not be a good goal for counselors


How important is it for a counselor to diagnose the client’s root problem? Consider these analogies:

Imagine being diagnosed with cancer in one part of your body but having your doctor tell you that it isn’t important to discover whether the source of that cancer lies elsewhere. You wouldn’t be happy and you would likely seek another opinion. Or, consider this analogy: you keep cutting off the tops of dandelions only to find that they keep coming back. Not a very wise decision. Instead, you find the tap-root and remove it if you really want to stop the weed from growing.

In the last week I have had three conversations about identifying the source or primary cause of someone’s emotional struggle. In each case I was asked questions about the source of the problem.

Is it a chemical imbalance? Is it the result of childhood trauma? Is the primary problem his sin?

I understand these questions. They are reasonable and important to ask. As a counselor, I am trying to assess how a particular psychological problem develops in an individual. But, maybe these questions aren’t as helpful as they first appear. Here are two reasons why we ought not put too much stock into seeking out the root problem and a suggestion for a different approach than the “why” question.

  1. “Why” questions almost always lead to a simplistic/categorical answer. Most psychological (or spiritual) problems have multi-factored roots. There are biological predispositions, experiences, behavioral choices/habits, perceptions, beliefs, etc. all working together to “allow” the problem to develop. Usually, we do not find this kind of complexity very helpful. We like to narrow things down to single or primary problems. Narrowing down to either/or categories helps us “understand” the problem and exert energy towards a single solution. However, when we demand a primary cause, we will almost always misrepresent the problem and may communicate to others a distorted image of what is taking place. Saying that a psychological problem is the result of sin or neurochemicals or family upbringing ALWAYS flattens the problem and as a result puts too much hope in any intervention.
  2. “Why” rarely leads to the most important question, “so, now what?” Let’s say that we can figure out why you struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Your mother contracted a virus during the 7th month of her pregnancy and that virus altered your prenatal brain and caused your OCD. Okay…so now what? Notice how the why question provides interesting information and possibly helpful in eliminating the problem in future expecting mothers…but as enticing as it is, the diagnosis doesn’t help much with the, “so now what do I do about it.” In fact the desire to figure out the “why” never is as clear and easy as I have just made it in the virus example and so the search for “why” doesn’t lead to the “so now what” question at all. Now, I don’t want you to think that I care little for historical data gathering. The multifactorial etiology of our problems are worth exploring. We ought to take a look at how early childhood experiences shape our current behavior. We ought to explore the possibility of a biological predisposition to our anxiety. We ought to examine how our beliefs about self, other, and God influence our current problems. However, we explore these historical facets not because they answer the “why” question but because they help us understand “how” we function and whether we want to alter some of these shaping influences.

An Alternative Approach?

I’ve just tipped my hand in the last point. How is a better question. Finding out how a particular feature (belief, habit, experience, perception, biological process, etc.) influences current life and how a person might respond to or engage differently over a problematic emotional expression is more likely to bear good fruit. Consider these examples:

  1. How does your history with pornography and secret shame influence your seeking accountability from your other men in the church?
  2. How do you react to trauma triggers and what different responses to triggers might you want to practice?
  3. How do you want to think about or assess your unwanted sexual desires and feelings?

So, asking why we do what we do or why we are the way we are is interesting but not always the most helpful question from a counselor. Instead, explore your perceptions, reactions, thoughts about what is happening and explore how you might come to feel, think, or engage the problem from a different perspective or with a different goal in mind.

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Filed under christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, counseling, counseling skills, Uncategorized

Do your labels help or hurt?


I have a post over at the Seminary’s faculty blog today. You can find it here.

Counselors label all the time. Even when we don’t offer official DSM diagnoses, we label things as good, bad, healthy, unhealthy, dysfunctional, sinful, etc. The key question counselors face is WHEN and HOW to share their views on a subject. Just because we can see something is wrong doesn’t mean we ought to share it yet. While you may wish your family doctor to share suspicions of Lyme’s disease with you on the first visit, your counselor may need to earn the right to say, “I think you have become embittered over your husband’s insensitivity.”

If you are in a position of authority (parent, teacher, boss, counselor, leader, etc.) consider how quickly you use labels and whether or not they invite dialogue and action. If the result of our labeling is increased passivity in the one being labeled, then maybe we need to consider that our labeling is part of the problem.

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Filed under biblical counseling, christian counseling, christian psychology, counseling, counseling skills, Psychology

Validating your client’s distrust of you


Ever had a person tell you they can’t trust you when you know they can? What was your response? if you are like most people, you notice the tendency to want to defend yourself. No, really, you can trust me. Why don’t you give me a chance? Or maybe your response isn’t one to beg but to back away and treat the person with a cool demeanor.

What should counselors do when a client doesn’t or won’t trust their intentions or motivations?Janina Fisher (see previous post) reminds us that the right responses is…acceptance validation. Especially with clients who experienced invalidation in violence and abuse. Notice that the effort to press a client to trust you or distancing from them sends the exact same message: your feelings and experiences are wrong and something to be rejected. Not surprisingly, clients feel invalidated once again.

What does validation look like?

You are right. You don’t know if you can trust me. Trusting important people meant that you got hurt in the past. So, not trusting me is understandable. So…what should we do? Validation doesn’t mean that we agree with whatever our clients say but that we find the truth and we underline it. Further, it means that we give the power back to our clients since many of them experienced being controlled.

Too often we think we know what is best for our clients and we try to indoctrinate them to our wisdom. Even when we are right, our efforts may unwittingly re-enact the stealing of power to set proper boundaries. Even when our clients want us to convince them that we are okay and worthy of trust, we ought to be careful. In everyday life we have to trust others, live with the possibility that our trust may be violated…and that we will need to respond to such violations with grace and truth. Promises to always be trustworthy perpetuate the myth that protection from all pain is possible in this life.

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Filed under christian counseling, counseling science, counseling skills, Psychology, Uncategorized

eye contact and amygdala stimulation?


I’m in the midst of a CE training by Janina Fisher–Traumatic Attachment & Affect Dysregulation–and here is something she just said (not quote…my recollection),

When you make eye contact with another, you stimulate the amgydala. The arousal of this part of the brain arouses emotions, especially those connected with desire for or fear of intimacy. The point is that eye contact stimulates the attachment system which in turn plays on our feelings about being in relationship with others.

Later, she quoted someone (named Benjamin), “To be known or recognized is immediately to experience the other’s power. The other becomes the one who can give or withhold recognition: who can see what is hidden; who can reach, conceivably even violate, the core self.”

Thus, some clients (those who are ambivalent) find our “seeing them” (via empathy) as anxiety provoking. Counselors do well to help the client notice these reactions without over-stimulating reactions (which likely would trigger fight/flight reaction).

How you feel about making eye-contact with another depends largely on (a) how you feel about that person, or (b) how you feel about yourself. Both feelings depend on prior experiences and perceptions of self and other.

Try out a few moments of eye contact, either with someone you have authority over (supervisee, child, student) or someone who has power in your life (spouse, boss, teacher). What reactions did you have? Reactions in your body, thoughts, feelings? What impulses did you have? What does this tell you about how your brain works in regard to knowing and being known?

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Filed under counseling, counseling science, Psychology, Uncategorized

Disagreeing in public? Are there some best practices?


I’ve written a post over at our Biblical Seminary faculty blog about the art of disagreeing with others in public. By public I mean the kinds of conversations that take place in face-to-face with an opponent, discussions of a thinker’s position in a classroom, or the kind that take place on Internet sites (e.g., blogs like this, news sites, etc.).

Check out  my 5 tips to more loving disagreements.  Try it out with your next conflict with a friend or family member.

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Filed under Christianity, conflicts, counseling skills, Doctrine/Theology