Where do you feed? I spent a few hours in a class at my church discussing the concept of spiritual formation. It wasn’t new news to me but still a great reminder to look again at my inner life. Spiritual formation could easily be called, spiritual feeding. Before we talk about how to feed on good things, we really need to take stock of the “food” we actually eat.
My counselees come in to try to find how to fix their problems. Part of my job with them (and with myself) is to evaluate their meditational/imaginal life. I need to know what they feed on in order to understand their world and what they care for.
So, what do you feed on? Your wounds? Others’ sins/failures against you? Your successes? Your goals/desires? Your identity (from work, family, gender, race, etc.)? Your weaknesses/deficiencies? Your right to self-determination? Pleasure? Financial security? Escapism? Carefully controlled spiritual behaviors? (It is possible to look at external measures to see how we are doing in our spiritual life. Have I read enough? Prayed enough? Served enough? Sacrificed enough?)
So, where do you feed? One of my colleagues, Charles Zimmerman, once said that what you think about in the shower can give you a bit a sense as to the nature of your god. I suspect that kind of “mindless” time does reveal our feeding habits.
Spiritual formation: What do you eat?
Filed under Insight, Meditations
Confessing your brother’s sins as your own?
“What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and our great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins have deserved and have given us a remnant like this.” Ezra 9:13
When is the last time you confessed someone else’s sin as if they were your own, as if the consequences of that sin would fall on you? The closest I have come to that is confessing (I mean, gossiping) the sin of a friend who had wronged me so that I am vindicated.
The book of Ezra records how God is at work in the hearts of foreign kings to do his bidding and honor the covenant promises made to Abraham and David—to establish a people in the land of Israel. Read quickly, it is a book of triumph in the face of adversity and enemies. But leaving it there would miss Ezra’s response to the sin of his people. He hears that 111 Jewish men who remained in Israel during the exile had married foreign women. These men were found from every tribe, including the consecrated priests and Levites. Continue reading
Share this:
Filed under Meditations, sin, Uncategorized
Obsessed with looks
Overheard my 1st grader (Jared) while he was getting dressed. He decided to dress “like a man” this morning, khakis, button down shirt and clip on tie. Real handsome. But, here’s what I heard, “I hope Madison will like me.” Madison is a cute little girl in his class. I got to thinking. Its so amazing how early we learn that its our exterior that matters. Somehow, we believe that how we talk, dress, etc. will determine whether others like us. I asked him if he thought Madison liked him based on what he wore. Of course, he knew the answer was negative. But just like Jared, even though we know the exterior is only window dressing but we can’t seem to shake the belief that we have to impress others with our exterior in order to be liked, to be important. What a shallow people we are…
Share this:
Filed under Uncategorized
Ponder this: Volf on forgiveness of abuse
I’ve probably beaten this topic of leader abuse to death. Its good to remember this topic isn’t about others but about myself too. All are capable of violating another with our power. Power is that thing we wield but don’t really see from others’ points of view. I can feel powerless but still control others just the same (those who project a martyr complex can have great power to manipulate others. While we may not violate another in a grotesque way (e.g., sexual abuse), our violation may still damage others in its subtler forms. For example, when I stand over others in judgment I may act as if I am God Himself passing judgment and so do damage to their soul.
So, a good reminder from Miroslav Volf in his Exclusion and Embrace that our self-righteousness about others’ sins can cause tremendous division and pain among us. When we fail to :
“Forgiveness flounders because I exclude the enemy from the community of humans even as I exclude myself from the community of sinners.” (p. 124).
Share this:
Filed under Abuse, Repentance
Why we don’t like to label leaders as abusers
Yesterday I wrote on the power of self-deception in the particular sin of leader sexual abuse/abuse of power in sexual entanglements. Today, I’m thinking about how part of our revulsion of the term “sexual abuse” or pastoral abuse between what looks like two consenting adults is because of (a) we like our categories of victim and offender neat and clean, and (b) we assume we would have/use the power to say no if it happened to us. Continue reading
Share this:
Self-deception: the first step toward leader abuse
Last week, I listed 3 statements about sexual entanglements of Christian leaders with their followers that I think must be better understood (i.e., these entanglements ought to be seen as abuse, we have to avoid black/white thinking about such labels as abuser and victim, deception is what powers us and blinds us to the abuse issues). I want to tackle this last one first. In almost every leader “fall” I’ve been connected to, each leader saw it as mutual and not one sided. This is not surprising since even pedophiles tend to see their relationships as mutual or even brought on by the child. How is this possible? The long practice of self-deception. Continue reading
Share this:
Filed under Abuse, self-deception
Labeling Abuse
Manipulate. Coerce. Abuse. Offend. Victimize. Sin. Which word would you like to use when you face your sinful behavior towards another whom you hold some form of power? Once in a course, a DMin student suggested we just call domestic violence (punching a hole in the wall next to the person you are in a rage about) sin rather than call it abuse. Somehow sin is more palatable.
Misuse of power = abuse. Agree or disagree? I would agree. However, this means that more of us have to admit to being abusive (I suspect this is different from saying that someone is an abuser—a repeat offender). Using a martyr complex to manipulate someone to do something they don’t want to. Is that abuse? Threatening to do harm. Is that abuse? Using one’s position (spiritual, work, or other authority) to get something that you want. Is that abuse?
I’ve been doing lots of thinking about sexual entanglements between Christian leaders, pastors, teachers and their followers, parishioners, and students. I’m going to make 3 categorical statements and then try to back them up in future posts:
- Illicit sexual (sexualized) relationships between Christian leaders and their followers ought to be categorized as abuse/abusive and not affairs. This is important to understand the impact and effects of this kind of action even if not important to help abusive individuals grow in their understanding of their actions.
- Nothing is categorically black and white but that is what we want for comfort sake. Abuse is other people like pedophiles. There are dangers it over and under utilizing the label of abuse. The church has definitely under-utilized it. But there are swing dangers
- Deception, minimization, and a sense of personal weakness all work together to make abusive actions feel mutual and not abusive
I will also provide some reading material links to the issue of power. I think we must understand that concept in order to understand how power misused turns into abuse.
Share this:
Filed under Abuse, self-deception
The art of counseling: Why interpersonal process is (almost) everything
Counseling is both art and science, relationship and action. Academic programs want to focus on both aspects, but the nature of academics leads to a greater emphasis on knowledge and less on interpersonal process. Frankly, its easier to grade tests of knowledge and harder to grade interpersonal process. Further, we outsource the practice part of the program to supervisors that may not be capable of providing the same kind of detailed assessment that we do in our classes.
Most students seeking to learn the art of counseling focus on knowledge and interventions. It makes sense to do so: If I know more then won’t I be able to understand my clients and their problems? (Probably.) If I understand how these problems develop, won’t I be able to help at risk individuals avoid bigger problems? (Probably.) If I learn and practice tried and true interventions won’t I be a more successful counselor?
But the art of counseling trumps knowledge and intervention. Knowing what to do is of little value if trust hasn’t been fully formed. There’s no substitute from having repeated interactions with another and getting detailed feedback related to one’s relational habits and idiosyncrasies. Jay Adams once told me that teaching counseling should be like teaching art. You don’t have a lecture on colors and shades and expect them to know how to use them well. Instead, you give them a brush and you expect them to do trial and error while providing good feedback. This means we really have to focus not just on what we counselors intend to communicate when respond to client content, but what they actually hear and take away from us.
Share this:
Filed under biblical counseling, counseling skills, Uncategorized
What kind of counseling do you teach?
Thought I’d take a crack at answering (briefly) the question regarding what model of counseling we follow here at Biblical Seminary. Want the short answer? Part Biblical Counseling, part Christian psychology, part interpersonal process (or said another way: biblical anthropology plus skills plus the art of discipleship). Or for a bit longer see what follows below.
Every counselor and professor has his or her theory of change—stated or otherwise. I happen to live between two such grand schemes: biblical counseling and Christian psychology. These two ways of looking at people’s problems and the best solutions have been quite disparate over the years. Biblical Counseling tends to be distinguished by the following marks: Continue reading
Share this:
Filed under biblical counseling, christian psychology, Uncategorized
Going blind from insight!
Just came from the eye doctor this am. They dilated my eyes to look at my stretched retina (I’m blind as a bat). So, now lights of any kind are piercing my eyes. They gave me those wrap around sunglasses to help but vanity suggests not wearing them. Got me thinking about how too much insight at any time can produce the same pain. Sure, we counselors look to build insight in our clients. They, in turn, want to know the whys and the wherefores. But more isn’t necessarily better. I once videotaped a 15 year old boy with an Aspergers diagnosis to give him feedback on his social skills. We had been working on role-playing socially appropriate behaviors with peers. When he saw himself, he disintegrated before my eyes into a little ball. I had to do a lot of work to rebuild trust and help him recover. Too much insight at one time.
Thankfully, the Lord doesn’t overwhelm us with insight into just how sinful we really are. He graciously allows us to grow over time and reveals his grace in ever increasing measure so that our awe of Him grows as we gain personal insight
Share this:
Filed under Insight, teaching counseling
Musings on Faith and Psychology 