October 6, 2006 · 11:32 am

Seeing through the glass darkly


I’ve been thinking about how frequently counseling is conversations about the problem of distorted judgment. Its not surprising. Adam and Eve, prior to the fall, were dependent on God for instructions on how to live. Their sin was to reject that dependence and seek independent knowledge of good and evil. The result? We really have tendencies toward two extremes: Either we underestimate our own impact on others (our actions, flaws, character, etc.) or we overestimate our impact and character defects). 

Those who underestimate their flaws tend to correspondingly place blame on others for problems in their life. And while others do cause us problems, some of us have excellent deflecting capacity to present themselves as innocent of all guilt (or if they have any, its only just because someone else is making them act that way).
Those that overestimate their flaws tend to accept blame that is not their own. They feel guilty for other people’s negative feelings and experiences. And while there times when we hurt others and we ought to feel guilty for that, some folk feel guilty for any bad experience of another.

As a counselor, I too am infected with the same problem. Counselors can easily feel self-righteous, that we have objectivity when our poor counselors do not. My job is to attack my own distortions while desperately seeking the Spirit’s guide to help me help my clients discern what is real and true in their own lives.

What makes it hard is that our distortions are hard to challenge. We “know” what we know pretty firmly. Just like a client I had who swore his green van was purple (color-blindness), we tend to believe what we feel, regardless of the facts and opinions of many others.

God help us counselors–the blind trying to teach the blind to see.

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Filed under biblical counseling, Guidance and Counseling

October 5, 2006 · 10:12 am

Forgiveness is good for you?


I realize the topic of forgiveness is a hot one these days. Lots of books on the topic. Reasons to forgive range from “its good for you” (or not doing so is bad for your health), its something to give only if the offender asks for it, and its required by God. I suggested in a previous post that it is possible to do so too quickly. Maybe quick or slow isn’t the best choice of words. Superficial vs. deep might be better. Also, we talk about whether forgiveness is a one time act or a daily choice. Is it a feeling or a decision? It seems to me that it is a daily act that does not deny emotions of hurt and pain or recognition that destruction of relationship has taken place. Does forgiveness imply that the victim must act as if the offender never harmed them. If you steal from me, do I allow you to manage my valuables after I forgive you?

Forgiveness is both simple and complex. It is both quick and slow. It is both submission to God and grace to the offender. It does not deny or suppress emotion, it does not pretend nothing happened, it may not change the consequences. It is not the same as reconciliation. It does represent something of God’s immense character and when we see it in action, we see God.

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October 4, 2006 · 11:43 am

How a secret can kill you


The news here is still all about the tragic killing of the Amish girls by a 32 year old husband, father, and church goer. News media report that he had a 20 year old secret of molesting family members that he could no longer handle. Don’t know if it is true, but it wouldn’t be surprising if it was. A secret sin/trauma eats away at us like cancer. We live a private hell while pretending to others that nothing is the matter. Some can maintain the front for a long time, but the cancer will will win every time if it is not treated.
An interesting thing tends to happen. In an effort to avoid exposing our secret, we wall it off from others (and sometimes from self). But we actually make it grow in meaning and power. It becomes unforgiveable (even if our outward theology would deny this fact), something for which we can never receive comfort and peace. Over time, it grows into other areas of our lives and makes every thing we do relate to the secret. Its no surprise that our logic and bodies break down over time.

Don Miller in Blue Like Jazz writes of a friend who had 2 secret affairs. He probably didn’t want to confess his sin to his wife on the basis that it would hurt her (or maybe because he would lose her). But really, he didn’t want to accept grace. Miller described the terrible effects of the secret on the man,

He said he would lie down next to his wife at night feeling walls of concrete between their hearts. He had secrets. She tries to love him, but he knows he doesn’t deserve it. He cannot accept her affection because she is loving a man who doesn’t exits. He plays a role. He says he is an actor in his own home. (p. 22)

Miller goes on to say later (p. 86),

I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God’s love, I cannot love him in return, and I cannot obey him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God’s love will. The ability to accept God’s unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey him in return. Accepting God’s kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers…this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God.

Sounds about right.

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Filed under News and politics, self-deception, sin

October 3, 2006 · 2:36 pm

Quick forgiveness for the Amish shooter?


A follow-up on the shooting of Amish school children by a man supposedly taking revenge for something that happened in his life some 20 years prior. The following appeared in an msn story (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/15113706/):

‘They honestly have forgiven’
Meanwhile, Rita Rose, a local nurse and midwife who delivered several children in the Amish community, told NBC’s Ann Curry that the mother of a 13-year-old girl who died has forgiven Roberts.

“She holds no ill will toward the shooter. She’s very forgiving. Christ forgave us, and we in turn forgive, and they honestly have forgiven,” she said. “Even last night, there was no anger toward the shooter.”

REALLY? Is this a higher form of spirituality? Did Jesus suffer from some sort of weakness when he overturned the tables at the tempte? My pastor preached on the last chapter of Nehemiah recently where Nehemiah goes on a bit of a rampage because priests have neglected their job or engaged in nepotism and folks are buying/selling goods on the Sabbath. He asked whether or not we are angry about the right things. While I applaud not becoming bitter over the sin of others, saying in less than 24 hours that they had forgiven their daughter’s killer sounds a bit premature. Yes, Christ calls us and empowers us to forgive others. But we ought to be angry at all forms of sin because they are an affront to God–especially those that damage little children (remember the millstone imagery!).

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Filed under Forgiveness, News and politics, suffering

October 3, 2006 · 10:32 am

When life doesn’t make sense


Yesterday our Lancaster county neighbors suffered a terrible tragedy with 5 young girls being executed at school by a local man. A friend of mine was recently and suddenly abandoned by his wife. Another friend has had several tragedies in a row. These things have made me think about the questions we ask in this situation. When these tragedies strike we often ask, 1. Where is God and why did he allow this? and, 2. What did I do wrong and why am I still struggling with despair? (this comes later)

Both questions are easily answered: I don’t know why (will never know why) and Nothing is wrong with you because what you are experiencing is terribly normal. Funny, neither answer is acceptable to us. And so we keep looking for the why and we keep mulling over why it is that we aren’t handling it very well. The why did God let this happen question is very biblical, very faithful to the God of all creation. Job, Jeremiah’s lament, the Psalmists, and Jesus himself asks the question, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” It seems we are to ask the question but yet learn to live with the silent presence of God. A helpful response once said by my colleague, Diane Langberg, I don’t know why this happened, but I do know that Jesus knows this experience of abandonment. The cross is where trauma and God come together. (my rough paraphrase). When we try to go further to understand the why, we err into speaking for God, just like Job’s counselors.

The second question does come later when we think we should be over the pain. Some traumas are like being knocked out by a punch. First we wake up woozy and numb. Then as our heads clear the weight of the pain really sets in. Every movement hurts. Many are surprised by the weight of the pain and think it means they are weak Christians. Says who? If Jesus is deeply moved to tears over Lazarus’ death, which he was going to reverse in a few seconds, shouldn’t we who wait much longer to see healing also be laid low by our suffering?

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Filed under News and politics, suffering

October 2, 2006 · 10:03 am

Chambers on Christian Cancer (Gossip and Judgmentalism)


Ran across Oswald Chambers on the problem of judging others (My Utmost, June 17) after writing my thoughts on christian cancer. Seems better written and in a similar vein:

The average Christian is the most piercingly critical individual known…The effect of Criticism is the dividing up of strengths of the one being criticized…Criticism serves to make you harsh, vindictive, and cruel, and leaves you with the soothing and flattering idea that you are somehow superior to others…The first thing God does is to give us a thorough spiritual cleaning. After that, there is no possibility of pride remaining in us.

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Filed under Meditations, sin

September 29, 2006 · 10:37 am

Ponder this: Learning lessons from sorrow


Feeling gray today. Maybe it was the late night of counseling. Maybe its the upcoming retreat and being away from my family. Probably also that I hoped to kayak this weekend during the retreat but just don’t think I can fit it in. But even more, feeling the weight of friends dying and/or destroying their lives in one way or another. Anyway, this poem came to mind:

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When sorrow walked with me.

Robert Browning Hamilton, as quoted in Philip Ryken’s commentary on Jeremiah and Lamentations, p. 755

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September 29, 2006 · 10:29 am

Christian cancer: How gossip is killing the Church


Did you know that there is a form of Christian cancer. Its also known by another name: self-righteous gossip. It shows up in prayer meetings, board meetings, side bar conversations, “processing” with  a friend, and yes, therapy sessions. It is found in Christian institutions where we discuss who has the best vision, is the most doctrinally sound, or has the most maturity. It spreads quickly from the heart over the tongue and in just a few minutes, it can be around the country. It tends to increase cynicism, egotism, the freedom to sin against a worse sinner without penalty, to justify our own flaws, etc. I see the impact: bitterness, stalling ministries, backbiting, etc.

I confess I am prone to have a case of it. As a counselor I hear all sorts of pain and brokenness in Christian circles. One pastor lacks integrity, another leader is a megalomaniac, another provides dangerous, superficial counseling, another has a farce of a marriage. How will I handle it? Will I tell a trusted friend? Will I “process” with my wife? Where is the line between needed debriefing and gossip? I fear I’m far too willing to cross it at work, church, and the neighborhood. In a discussion of church vision, we criticize the pastor/elders. In a driveway conversation, we discuss the neighbor’s recent arrest, In an office discussion, we discuss a colleague or board member’s missteps.

Where do you think the line is? Is the amount of time spent discussing vs. praying for? Is it the attitude? Is it something else?

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Filed under ethics, self-deception, sin

September 28, 2006 · 8:26 am

When the sex isn’t enough


Recently watched a Dateline NBC show that followed two couples through intensive therapy to help them regain their sexual spark. In good TV fashion, the seemingly fragile couple got better and the couple that was able to have mind blowing sex split up. Its this couple that I’m thinking about. A couple with 3 children are able to have wonderful sex one night and the next day both are seriously considering divorce. Just shows that “good” sex is possible if both are willing to fulfill the other’s fantasy for a few minutes. But that doesn’t make a relationship does it. In this couples case, she had been playing the role of caretaker for her emotionally weak husband. He willingly allowed her to. When he began to get stronger, she realized she hated the caretaker role (I think she liked the power but disliked the responsibility) and when he showed some brief signs of backsliding, she was ready to bolt.

How does a couple state they are in love one night and are ready to divorce the next? Partly, it has to be due to both having quite an egocentric view of life. No serious conversation about commitment, the kids, etc. Their conversation was only about what they wanted and didn’t want. Sounds like a lot of folks I know (myself included). We look for a “treatment” to give us what we want. When it doesn’t produce, then we’re done and on to the next magic pill.

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September 27, 2006 · 9:01 am

Reconciliation as a biblical mandate?


Just watched Brenda Salter McNeil’s DVD sermon on John 4 (the woman at the well). This is her website: http://www.saltermcneil.com/home.asp. She finds many principles for biblical reconciliation in the text. Reconciliation requires, from her point of view: A divine mandate from God (why did Jesus “have to go” through Samaria when every self-respecting Jew would have gone around?), A real need for people who are different from us (Why do we think we need some more _____ (fill in with your favorite ethnic group) around us? Do we have a real need for them or would it be just nice?), Leaving your comfort zone (you want to be with others who are different, you got to go to them, not expect them to come to you), Intentional interaction between diverse people, Risk-taking, Counter-cultural social action, Authentic spirituality (Jesus is able to get beyond the either/or question of where to worship that so often derails conversations like this and point to the bigger need to worship God in the right attitude), Reciprocity (similar to the real need point. Jesus allows the woman to help him with a drink. He is a male, a Jew, a rabbi, and God’s son and yet he does not merely tell her things and stand towering over her, but he engages in dialogue and real conversation), and Bridge people (The woman goes and gets her friends and brings them in ways the disciples probably couldn’t).

Definitely found it challenging in many good ways. The one particular principle I’ve been contemplating is the second, having a real need for people different from me. Why do we want diversity in the church, in the Seminary, in the community? WHY? If we don’t really have an answer, then probably its because we just think we’ll all feel better if we do. I think the answer that I’ve been burdened with is that I realize that my Reformed Theology is seriously lacking in certain areas and needs the facets of the Gospel that has been well-articulated and experienced by other ethnic groups.

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Filed under Racial Reconciliation