October 14, 2009 · 5:45 am

Do you know your women heroes of the faith?


Robert Kellemen and Susan Ellis have recently published a book, Sacred Friendships: Celebrating the Legacy of Women Heroes of the Faith (BMH Custom Books, 2009). If you are not familiar with your church history OR if you are but never studied the strong women of Christian history then you may find this book right up your alley. As you probably know, most history classes and/or texts tell the “great men” story–the story of the major players who changed the course of history. There’s Augustine, Martin Luther, Charles Wesley, Charles Spurgeon, and many more. But what of their wives. And what of other great female leaders in the church–and even those never known by any more than a handful?

Kellemen and Ellis tell the stories of a host of women of faith–often times using their own words. They start with Vibia Perpetua (know from an early manuscript) arrested in 202 AD and include other women from the early church. One of the first things you notice reading the book is that these women are real. They have real emotions, real concerns, questions, and longings. Having read many early church works, I can vouch that these female voices provide some realism while many of the male voices contained in early texts focus on theological concerns.

After covering several church mothers, these authors go on to cover “desert mothers” (e.g., prayer warrior Amma Theodora; spiritual leader, Marcella), writer/mentor mothers like Dhuoda (803-843), and a host of other medieval Christian women–both well-known and relatively unknown.

There are also chapters on reformation and puritan women. But my personal favorite is chapter 12 which is about African American women of faith. In particular the authors tell the story of Elizabeth Keckley, dressmaker, confidant, and counselor to Mary Todd Lincoln. There are numerous quotations from Lincoln and Keckley showing their tremendous love and support for each other. Based on their material here, it is not an understatement to say that Keckley provided the comfort for Mary after Abraham’s assassination that enabled her to not fall into suicidal despair.

I commend this book to you if you long for a taste of the story of female Christian leaders and supporters of leaders. They footnote the book well so you can find your own way to their original sources to drink more deeply should you so choose.

Check this link out for their Amazon.com page and 4 positive reviews.

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October 13, 2009 · 5:21 am

Fear and trust hand in hand?


This week I’ll be speaking to a group of counselors about complex PTSD. One of the hallmarks of C-PTSD is the combination of chronic relational fear AND chronic shame/guilt over having said fear. It manifests itself as, “I’m afraid of you but I know it’s my fault for being afraid.” (NOTE: the reverse is not necessarily true: that those who have chronic fears, trust problems, and self-condemnation have PTSD or C-PTSD.) My focus at that training will be on this question: How do you lead someone (in therapy) in the repetitive work of “Do not give in to fear”?

On Sunday, Tim Lane of CCEF preached a sermon about fear and disappointment. In that sermon he mentioned our propensity to “flail ourselves”–assuming that we must be doing something wrong–if we experience fear. Instead of focusing on the experience, we ought to examine our responses to fear. Do we shut down? Do we believe that we are alone and isolated? Do we turn inward and act only in self-interest?

He gave us this quote from CS Lewis (Screwtape Letters): “The act of cowardice is all that matters, the emotion of fear is, in itself, no sin.”

Here’s my question: Is it possible to be afraid and to trust nonetheless without much reduction in the level of fear? Don’t we assume that if we act in a trusting way that our fears should abate? Especially in light of trusting God? Is it possible to trust God fully and yet fear? What might such fear and trust together look like? If we could do both at the same time, would it reduce inappropriate self-condemnation?

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Filed under Abuse, Anxiety, biblical counseling, Biblical Reflection, christian psychology, Christianity, counseling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

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October 12, 2009 · 12:21 pm

On political and marital fights


Recently presented on the matter of marital conflict. On the way home I had a vigorous (and fun!) political debate with a colleague. I came to the realization that there are many similarities between both conflicts. Conflict is almost always about power with the particular issues (or the content of the conflict) a very distant second. We take positions because we see the dangerousness of the other person’s position or direction (and our loss of power). For example, if we follow our spouse’s financial behaviors, we’ll end up in the poor house. If we allow Obama to make decisions, he’ll ruin America. And just like in marital conflicts, we ascribe intent–he WANTS to destroy us all.

What I notice is that while we barely admit our own failings, we love to play out the failings of our opponent/spouse. Obama is taking advantage of a financial crisis to get some of his interests cared for (which of course fails to acknowledge that Bush got the Patriot Act because of a crisis). We could easily say the same in reverse.

My colleague and I most definitely agree on some things–that most politicians are narcissists, that they are more interested in winning than cooperating for the greater good. Truth be told, marital conflict has some similarities. Being heard, getting the other to acknowledge our points may be more important to us than finding a common bond.

It should surprise us that these similarities exist. Since Eden, we’ve been fighting for position and power.

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October 9, 2009 · 9:06 am

Christian slander


How easy it is to slander other Christians, to paint them in the worst possible light. We see something out of place in someone’s life and repeat that story to others. While it may be a true story, does it really capture them in totality? Does it provide the best review of their value and personhood? What do we gain by repeating these true but incomplete stories?

In my world, it is very easy to do this with public figures. I find myself tempted to do so when I see a public figure giving a terrible lecture or training. I want to point out their superficiality, their mis-representation of either psychology or christianity. And while I do believe there ought to be room for critique and wise review of public works, it is easy to cross the line into slander.

How do you evaluate whether you are giving a careful critique or have lapsed into slander? APA format in writing allows us to make a statement about another and conclude it with a “citation.” For example, “Monroe (2009) believes that Christianity and psychology are one and the same.” Note that I do not even need to give real evidence in my citation. I only have to cite an entire book. You can take me at face value and conclude I’m a lunatic.

Where I struggle is when I am critiquing with substance what I believe to be a problem in someone’s work, how do I do so without vilifying their entire body of work. Someone may indeed write heresy. I can call it out but does the reader get the impression that I believe that everything the person has said is suspect? The same goes for a preacher who is later discovered to have been in an affair. Does this invalidate his prior sermons?

Tough questions. Few answers. My impression is that it is so easily possible to do good and do evil at the same time. That our motives in pointing out others’ mistakes are of utmost importance. So, I can be right in my critique and entirely wrong in my doing it.

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October 6, 2009 · 10:41 pm

Pastors at risk


Today I’m in Virginia Beach at Regent U. to help flesh out the details of a 2 year qualitative study of at-risk pastors and spouses. One question: what (besides free room/meals) would make them interested in coming and revealing their at-risk natures.

The ride down yesterday was a joy. Well, it was long, but the Eastern shore of MD is like going back to the 50s. Old buildings with rusted out coca cola signs on the roadside. It is like a trip through the rural south. There are little pentecostal churches scattered along the road. Farms. Rusted out cars. I saw cotton growing (a first for me).

Crossing the bay bridge provided a refreshing sight and smell. The sky was a cloudy steel blue and the water was greenish blue and capped with white. Gorgeous! While I wasn’t looking forward to the long drive, it turned out to be a quiet day with my thoughts; even restful!

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October 6, 2009 · 9:48 pm

Check out my podcast on sexual addiction


CCEF is giving away my talk last year at their annual conference on sexual addiction. You can listen to it her: http://www.ccef.org/counseling-strategies-individuals-addictions

I’ll be back there this November to talk about another sex topic: when sex in marriage doesn’t work. No, I don’t have it on the brain, it was their request and conference title….well, I guess that doesn’t exonerate me afterall.

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October 5, 2009 · 5:50 am

Of foxholes and diners


Men in foxholes and diners change.

Old men hobble to the diner this morning tapping their knotty canes along the walk; their faces tired and haggard. No joy.

But at their table they become young boys, teenagers really, but with deeper laughs, knowing looks, wise insights and experience lines on their faces. They eat their toast and jive ’bout “II” and “Korea.”

White and Black, brothers all. Foxholes will make men brothers and differences recede. Diners keep them together and inject vitality.

Crazy stories: showers once a week, using teletype, warming food on a truck engine.

“Remember when…we fooled that teacher…his sister got killed…we hung out on the corner…we could buy a whole bag of candy with a quarter…we hopped the train…”

Sprinkled between these stories are remembrances of friends no longer with him,”He’s dead, she’s sick, he’s lost his mind.”

The coffee’s drunk, the bill paid. On the street now they’re just some old forgotten men, a retiree, a social security check, a grandfather making due with a fixed income. But at the diner they are brothers, men of wisdom and power–a generation of courage who gave for our freedoms.

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October 2, 2009 · 5:32 am

Workers’ Comp for Pastors?


The concept behind workers’ compensation (WC) insurance is that employees have coverage for injuries sustained on the job (and secondarily that if they get the compensation that they won’t sue their employer). Nowadays all US states have WC laws.

But, what if churches provided or paid into a fund to provide spiritual workers’ comp? While I suppose pastors could fall out of the pulpit on the job, strain their vocal chords, get a typing injury, most won’t. But, I would contend that most pastors suffer under the weight of the pastoral care needs of their congregation. Being exposed repeatedly to crises, conflict, attack, and other weighty matters, pastors may become broken themselves. Imagine if churches or denominations provided recovery care for these matters. Just as in worker’s comp, there might be requirements that the pastor go to a specific specialist.

Wouldn’t this be novel? Of course WC doesn’t do prevention work–which is what pastors need. But, it might get a congregation to admit that exposing a pastor to endless supplies of brokenness is going to create brokenness in the pastor.

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Filed under christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, pastoral renewal, pastors and pastoring

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October 1, 2009 · 12:49 pm

Steve Brown at Tenth Presbyterian tonight


Late notice but those who like KeyLife’s Steve Brown can hear him at Tenth Presbyterian Church tonight. He will be speaking in honor of HarvestUSA’s 25th anniversary. You can see information here. Also, it tells of Diane Langberg’s lecture for them at the end of the month–entitled “Beauty in Garbage City.”

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October 1, 2009 · 5:04 am

Parents as…?


Having had fun with the marriage metaphors a few days ago, I thought about a similar question about the best descriptive words about the role of parent. What triggered my thinking was a public radio interview with the authors of Too Close for Comfort, a book about mother/daughter relationships. In the interview they discussed problem parent labels: helicopter parents, parents as personal concierge, as guarantor of happiness for their child, etc.

What words do you think describe a better metaphor as parent and why? Guide? Mentor? Coach? In some ways, parents are more connected to their kids than in past generations. And yet, this connection may cause kids to depend more on their parents rather than getting out there and being responsible for their life. Can you think of ways to describe parenting that allows for emotional closeness without the over-dependency.

Here’s one I would like not to have as a title: Parent as homework tutor.

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