Personal stories and intellectual inquiry, part 2


Based on my previous post, I want to list some basic ways we might guide intellectual discussions that tweak personal stories and touch on controversial subjects:

 

  1. Start with personal stories. Get them on the table. They do not nullify our beliefs but give them context. If we neglect stories, the conversation will likely miss the very factors that drive our interest in the first place. This is the most intellectually honest way to act when we have strong beliefs.
  2. Listen first, if possible, before you share your story. Listen and ask about the impact, the experience, the consequences of the narrative and even of the sharing of the narrative with others.
  3. When you share your story and subsequent beliefs acknowledge (a) what you use to support your beliefs (I believe x based on…), and (b) the problems with your position. Too often we only defend our positions with, “yes, but…” Instead, listen to what others “hear” when you present your point.
  4. Compile a list of the most important issues the discussants consider to be core or most important.
  5. Try to develop agreement on the hierarchy of issues(which will be dealt with first) but don’t demand your way. To get agreement you may wish to use an external guide (e.g., logic, systematic theology, philosophy of science, experience, praxis, etc.) to help decide which issues get tackled first. Be sure that you are committed to getting to all the issues (not necessarily in one sitting). If you lose steam after one issue, you will communicate that another issue is of little value to you.
  6. Work to separate issues from consequences—at first. Later, it will be important to consider the practical consequences of our positions.
  7. When you reply to someone else’s statements of belief, try to reiterate the main point and its foundational dogma and avoid immediately taking those beliefs to their logical and extreme conclusion. The person should be able to recognize their own viewpoints when you speak.
  8. At this point, avoid personal stories and avoid derogatory responses, especially when tempted to use them to undermine a person’s point. Do not blame a particular view with a behavior that isn’t required.
  9. Concede points where you can. Acknowledge different starting points and their impact on the dialog. Try to use each others vocabulary as they do.  
  10. Find points of contact or common ground. Celebrate these and do not ignore them. Write them down as conclusions.
  11. Narrow and solidify divergences. Agree on these divergences where possible. Write them down as key conclusions to avoid unnecessary rehashing.
  12. Explore consequences of these diverging beliefs. Explore where those divergences matter and where they might not.
  13. Finally, let love and respect for others be evident to all.

Does this seem to extend conversations and make them long and tedious? Yes. I think the benefit is that it would avoid the constant recycling over the same issues and the problem of talking past each other. Does this method work well in all mediums? Probably not. In the sound-byte media world, eyes will glaze with this method. However, I’d prefer to sit with a cup of coffee and talk face to face than trade emails or comments while doing 6 other things.

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Personal stories and the art of intellectual inquiry


Our personal stories are far more shaping of our views on things than most of us care to admit. In most academic settings we love to discuss and debate matters and show our intellectual prowess. In these settings, to think emotionally, or to be biased by past experiences usually kills our chances of winning a point. No, we must stay logical and stick to the facts. Consider what happens if a person arguing for abortion rights reveals that they had an abortion. Consider what happens if the person arguing that the Scriptures do not teach that homosexuality is wrong reveals their own failed efforts to change their sexual orientation. Put yourself on the other side of each debate. What do you think? Well, their bias is obvious. But if you haven’t had an abortion or if you haven’t experienced homosexual desire, then your bias is obvious as well. So, to avoid these point-killing experiences, one sticks to their intellectual defense of a particular belief.  

By the way, personal anecdotes are not the only non-factual influencers of our beliefs. Personality styles also weigh heavily. I have a friend who loves a good debate. They energize him. To make a point, he willingly uses hyperbole. He takes risks and tries on ideas he hasn’t fully considered. I have another friend who weighs every issue ever so carefully. He tediously considers each and every point and methodically explains his position. He rarely speaks out of impulse and so hardly ever moves from a previously decided position. In both cases personality influences my friends and influences their conversation partners. 

I have noticed that in quasi-intellectual settings (e.g., blogs, class discussions, etc.) personal stories are very common, even encouraged. The story enriches the reader/listener’s feel for the subject. And once a story has been told, it seems to kill any chance that another might present opposing thoughts and ideas critical of that experience. To critically evaluate the story-teller’s position is to disrespect that person’s life and value—so it would seem. A friend of mine recently bemoaned that it seems impossible in the public domain to call a dumb idea by its rightful name (unless the person is taking a conservative view of things).

So, what do we do with personal stories? Though they shape our ways of seeing the world and deciding what is right, it does not mean that we are incapable of intellectual inquiry and arriving at beliefs that counter our own experience. But it does beg the question as to how we should weigh personal stories in our dialogs about truth claims.

What if we dispense with personal stories? What would be lost? Gained?

“Just the facts, ma’am” isn’t really possible. Everything we believe is attached to experience and personal bias. But what if we could curtail the use of personal stories and anecdotes—would it help? Consider the debate on homosexuality. If we eliminated “I had a friend who…” stories, what would happen to the discussion? We might also eliminate conversations that start and end on fringe matters. This would be helpful since conversations starting with extreme situations rarely return to core issues. We might be able to look, in depth, at the key issues: (i.e., interpretation of key biblical texts, pastoral responses to those with same-sex attraction, exploration of sexual identity development and whether identity is immutable or not, etc.) without distraction by stories of abuse and misuse by the various parties.

But what would be lost? Compassion. Understanding. Practical responses. It seems that narratives humanize issues. We see the facts as connected to real people. Stories give context that help us to understand the experience of another. Anecdotes spawn creative responses that have real-world impact and avoid one dimensional “easy” answers. When I was in seminary, one of my professors had a sign that said, “for every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, easy, elegant, and wrong.”

Wedding Intellectual Inquiry and Experience 

So, how do we thoughtfully, compassionately, critically explore a controversial topic in a manner that leaves us more loving than when we started, more understanding of its complexities, more aware of (and willing to challenge) our own biases, more aware of our chosen bases for our belief systems, more capable of differentiating dogma from opinion, and more clear (and willing to state so) on what we do and don’t believe?

 

Monday I will present some possible ways to wed both our stories and the pursuit of the truth. 

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Who do you serve?


My wife has been a fan of Bob Dylan’s music and lyrics. My oldest son likes just about all kinds of music. This past week she introduced him to the song below. Old “Bobby One-Note” might not turn your crank with his voice but he is a master song-writer and has something to say.  The song has tons of biblical-theological implications. It’d make a great ending to a sermon on Jesus’ parables. Click here for a site that has all his song lyrics.

Gotta Serve Somebody (Bob Dylan) 

You may be an ambassador to England or France,
You may like to gamble, you might like to dance,
You may be the heavyweight champion of the world,
You may be a socialite with a long string of pearls

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.

You might be a rock ‘n’ roll addict prancing on the stage,
You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage,
You may be a business man or some high degree thief,
They may call you Doctor or they may call you Chief

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.

You may be a state trooper, you might be a young Turk,
You may be the head of some big TV network,
You may be rich or poor, you may be blind or lame,
You may be living in another country under another name

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.

You may be a construction worker working on a home,
You may be living in a mansion or you might live in a dome,
You might own guns and you might even own tanks,
You might be somebody’s landlord, you might even own banks

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.

You may be a preacher with your spiritual pride,
You may be a city councilman taking bribes on the side,
You may be workin’ in a barbershop, you may know how to cut hair,
You may be somebody’s mistress, may be somebody’s heir

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.

Might like to wear cotton, might like to wear silk,
Might like to drink whiskey, might like to drink milk,
You might like to eat caviar, you might like to eat bread,
You may be sleeping on the floor, sleeping in a king-sized bed

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.

You may call me Terry, you may call me Timmy,
You may call me Bobby, you may call me Zimmy,
You may call me R.J., you may call me Ray,
You may call me anything but no matter what you say

You’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody.
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody.
 

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Filed under Doctrine/Theology, Great Quotes

You can leave The War, but it won’t leave you


Caught the last 15 minutes of the last installment of Ken Burns’ The War on PBS.  At some point I’m going to have to watch all 15 hours of it. A couple of men were talking about the unspoken PTSD they experienced after the war but couldn’t really talk about (back then). One man, from Minnesota, had described several traumatic experiences in other installments. He concluded the show with a comment that I don’t have in quotes but is as close as I can remember it. He said something to the effect of, I’ve had a great life; I’ve enjoyed myself; I have a great family…but sometimes the war sucks you back in.

Another gentleman described coming home from being a POW in Japan and being filled with hate for anything Japanese. At some point in his life he realized he had to let it go. As he said, the Japanese weren’t being hurt by his anger, he was. He met with a preacher who helped him find relief and to let it go. But the most interesting part of this little story is that the man telling his story then paused and said something like, but its taken me another 30 years to deal with it.

Isn’t that the truth. We find relief and healing; but that doesn’t mean no ongoing consequences and no ongoing fighting to hang on to truth, hope, sanity, and peace. Healing rarely is immediate and complete. But don’t mistake slowness and ongoing battles as the absence of healing. No, we are being healed–just day by day as we hang on to God and the folks he has placed in our lives.  

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Filed under Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, suffering

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship 3


Part 2 of Leslie Vernick’s, The Emotionally Destructive Relationshipis entitled, “Stopping It.” This section looks at first steps to stopping the destruction. Probably the biggest step is believing that there are choices and options. Most people in this situation feel that they have no options other than accept or die. Since none of the options will likely immediately place us in a fabulous situation, we feel that we have no choice but to accept what is happening to us.  So, what can a trapped person do? Chapter 6 explores the ways to reclaim the truth and to name it for self and other. Usually destructive relationships contain all sorts of garbage half-truths, denials, etc. By bringing what has been hidden into the light, one can begin to weed truth from falsehood. In this chapter Leslie does a nice job with an excursis on headship and submission. She discusses how to respect authority but not the behavior as well as underlines the problem of those in authority who refuse to place themselves under any authority when faced with their own sin.

Chapter 7 covers the issue of choice and reminds the reader that they still exist. She addresses matters where people feel they must agree with others even when they feel it not right to do so.  Choices a person has? To not assume responsibility for others; to work on and be willing to define one’s own problem and take responsibility for one’s own unhealthy patterns (e.g., allowing others to walk over you); to offer another view (in love) to counter a distorted view of the situation.

Chapter 8 gives guidance on how to speak up. Many people get caught between saying nothing or blowing up and being abusive in their attempt to uncover abuse. Leslie talks about how and when to speak up (use planning–many do this impulsively, seek a mutually good time, watch body language and tone, listen to the other’s perspective). Leslie gives several examples which show how to confront on a topic and yet be open, kind, and respectful of the other. Again, too often, we wait and wait and then blow. Of course, it can also help when the confronting person admits their own failings first. This requires that we do our homework first.  Finally, in chapter 9, Leslie discusses how to be a “champion of peace” even while standing up and speaking out about someone’s wrong. First she reminds the reader why we stand up against those things that hurt us. She reminds us that standing up is standing up, “for something bigger than just our own feelings. We are standing up for goodness, truth, righteousness, and peace.” (p. 162) Then she discusses the need to “step back”–to create space to heal, to invite healing and reintroduction to a new relationship to the abusive person, to provide “the gift of consequences”, and to wait in love. She then ends this section about testing and evaluating repentance in the other.

Leslie does a nice job teaching how to practically stop a destructive pattern, own up to one’s own part in that, live in the light of truth and test the fruit of repentance, all in love. Too often, folks who finally get up the nerve to set limits refuse to even allow the abusive person to repent. Now, I understand that some abuse and some abusers have done too much to allow the relationship to continue. However, passivity tends to breed reactivity. Sooner action may encourage the healing and restoration.  

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Don’t judge a book by its cover


Several years ago I sporadically attended an early morning prayer meeting at my church. While our pastor always seemed cheery and wide awake, most of us dragged ourselves in the door and to our seat. I noticed one man there. Bill was rather dumpily dressed, somewhat disheveled with white hair askew, usually unshaven, drooping eyelids with bushy brows, and very quiet. I had seen this man before but had never talked to him. Didn’t really know who he was or what his story was.  

He didn’t say much in the meeting but when he prayed out loud it was quickly evident that the waters ran deep in his soul. Two years ago, Bill lost his job and called me to see if he could take some counseling classes at Biblical. In those classes and in our discussions afterward, I learned several things about Bill: he loved to learn. In this way he was the perfect student. On breaks or during the week, he wanted to discuss what he was reading. And he wanted to know what else he should read. Not to argue, not to show his great wisdom, but just to engage the topic and to learn all that he could. He cared about his fellow students. I saw him practice counseling another student with significant pain in her life. He didn’t always know what to say but you could see the pain on his face. He wasn’t going to focus on his own personal pain but on the needs of others. He didn’t say alot about his own suffering, but it wasn’t hard to see it just the same. And yet, he quickly turned the subject back to the others in the conversation.

Yesterday, I attended Bill’s memorial service. He died after a brief bout with cancer. I was moved by the number of folks who got up to tell how Bill’s love for books, love for serving, and love for praying changed their lives. It took nearly an hour to get through them all. One man said it best, when you pray with a man over 800 times (he had calculated the number of times they had prayed together at bible studies, prayer meetings etc over the last few years), it starts to put grooves in you.

Who has put grooves in you? Who have you grooved with your care?

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“Your services are not needed…”


When would these words be happily received?

When the the jury duty digitized voice told me that I was not needed for jury duty today. My only regret is I don’t get to know why. They didn’t like my answers, they don’t want a psychologist, or merely not enough jurors needed today.

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WWII and your perspective on the world


Have watched only bits and pieces of Ken Burns’ documentary but what I’ve seen is moving and makes me want to watch it all at some point. Just a couple things I noticed:

1. The issue of racism. John Hope Franklin’s bit on how he had everything to run a military office, including an Ivy League PhD but couldn’t because he lacked the right color–very interesting character!

2. How much the whole of the US was involved in the war. The ads telling people at home to ration gas so “the boys” will have gas for their airplanes.

3. PTSD. One man tells of a strafing run where his fellow gunner had a jammed gun. So, he could see the damage, destruction, and death he himself was doing to the Germans. His hand “froze” and he had to fly the plane back with his left hand. For years afterward, he would have nightmares of that day and wake up without the use of his hand. Somehow his wife could sense it and offer him his morning coffee to his left hand. I’m sure he never got to talk much about that in public settings. Though he is now in his late 70s, you can see it still is with him. This truly was the greatest generation!

4. Impact on my family. My parents were in their formative years (pre-teen to teen) during the war. I’ve heard stories about rationing, blackouts, and plane spotting against the threat of a German invasion. My mother still makes “hot milk cake.” This was described as an invention of the war to have a good tasting cake without the usual amounts of sugar and butter. Also, my wife pointed out that my mother still cuts both ends out of soup cans and then flattens the can with her foot, just like they did during the war.

5. Heritage and perspective matter. Listen to Miaken Scott’s reflections of being brought up German after the war: http://temple.whyy.org/tv12/thewar_fm_growingup.html

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Emotionally Destructive Relationships 2


Previously, I introduced Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it, Stopping it, Surviving it (2007 Harvest House). Here’s some more tidbits from the rest of Part one (Seeing it):

1. Chapter two covers the typical emotional, physical, mental, relational, generational, and spiritual effects of destructive relationships. Of note, Leslie says, “Perhaps one of the most serious long-term relational effects of interpersonal sin is how it shapes our view of ourselves and others.” (p. 55). This is a good point. Those who grow up in one of these kinds of relationships are like a starving person in the corner of a banquet hall where only one person is allowed to eat, where all the food is only for one person. That starving person may then grow up and either become a demanding person who starves those in their own banquet hall (under the guise of, “I will never be treated that way again”) or remain highly dependant on others and open to continually being used.

2. Chapter 3 helps the reader to avoid seeing self only as wounded or victim but as one who, due to the fall, responds sinfully to a sinful world. Leslie does not let the reader use excuses (e.g., I was abused so I can’t help that I’m harsh with others) when confronted with one’s own destructive tendencies. She paints a picture of what a Godly response looks like when we come face to face with our own sinfulness: face our brokenness and ask for forgiveness; Take responsibility for your part of the problem; Make an effort to change. In contrast, the immature response to our brokenness: refusal to listen, defensiveness; Blindness and denial; Unwillingness to change (saying I know, I’m sorry doesn’t equal change).

This is where many couples flounder. They feel that if they agree with their spouse’s criticisms and acknowledge their own destructive patterns, the other will get off without having to admit theirs. And so we hear, “yes, I know that I shouldn’t…but you…”.

3. Chapters 4-5 explore destructive themes of the heart: pride, anger, envy, selfishness, laziness, evil, and fear. A key point is that many of the things we want and desire in relationships are not bad. The problem is that these things turn into demands. Who doesn’t want to be understood? But it is possible to make that a demand and an excuse for our own destructive patterns. We like to suggest that other people’s sins cause us to respond in kind. In fact the environment is only the trigger that exposes our heart’s demands. Finally, Leslie points out that fear may not look at controlling and destructive to relationships, “Relationally, fearful people  don’t want to be gods, like the proud person does, but they allow their lives to be ruled by others instead of God.” And fear leads to the temptation to try to protect oneself from relational pain by demanding of others, “I need!”

What I like about Leslie’s writing (this and in other books as well) is that she avoids the black/white view of victims and victimizers. It is hard to read her books and not be convicted, even if you are suffering much at the hands of others.

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JesusCreed on “Ex-Gays”


Starting on 10/2 Scot McKnight is going to start a post series at www.jesuscreed.orgon Stan Jones and Mark Yarhouse’s new book, Ex-Gays? Yesterday, he merely announced that he would start the series and it brought on the usual discussions that one encounters when talking about homosexuality, sexual orientation, etc. (e.g., is it right/wrong? Did Jesus say anything about the matter? What is orientation? Does it really change? Why do we give special attention to this particular activity and avoid things like gossip and adultery?). All good questions, but they may miss the actual issues raised by this particular book.

Personal experiences play a huge role in much of the public conversation about sexuality (we all have broken sexual experiences and friends and family with their own experiences). It will be interesting to see whether readers of JesusCreed will be able to consider the merits of the questions that Jones and Yarhouse ask: Is it ever possible for someone to change their sexual orientation using religious means? And, is it harmful to try?

Chapter one lays out the controversy (i.e., the scientific and political claims in the debate, whether sexual orientation is a thing or a construction) and articulates their view of the relationship between science and faith.

Chapter two provides an overview of a Christian/biblical view of sexuality (what it was designed to be and how it is broken). In short, they report that the biblical text gives sexual intercourse a fixed meaning (an good act between husband and wife) rather than have the act defined by the intent of the participants. “Nonreligious persons today are accustomed to thinking that the meaning of their sexual actions are conferred by their intentions for those acts….But the Christian tradition asserts the opposite: that sexually intimate acts have fixed meanings by their very nature” (p. 49).  God provides the boundaries, but given our fallen nature, every aspect of our personhood reflects humanity’s rebellion against God. They then detail both Christian ethical responses to homosexuality as well as pastoral responses by well-known agencies.

Chapters 3 and 4 are the defense of their rationale and methodologies. Of note is the small sample size. But remember, they want to know whether it is ever possible for someone to change orientation through religious means. They do an interesting discussion of what kind of study they wanted to do and what they actually did in the end (chapter five) and why. They also address matters of researcher bias here. Chapters 6-9 explore how one might measure sexual orientation change and report their results.

Whether you agree or disagree with their sexual ethic, agree or disagree with their interpretation of orientation or their view of what makes for a robust empirical finding, you ought to agree that this is a well-written book that attempts to very slowly walk through the issues (scientific, biases, change, identity and orientation) without slandering opponents and yet maintaining their apologetical stance.

A worthy book to read by anyone. Stay tuned to JesusCreed to see how readers there respond to the issues when it gets to the details of the chapters.   

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Filed under counseling science, Identity, sexual identity