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Stopping seasonal high anxieties: Some strategies and a better goal


For most people, anxiety is a looped internal conversation. It just keeps starting over even when we don’t want to listen to it anymore.

The Christmas season we’re in can make anyone quite anxious. (Don’t think so, watch this fun video to remind you why.) Those of us naturally anxious and ruminative find the added responsibilities, family stresses, and disappointments just adding fuel to the fire. You try to take a moment to rest but all you can do is think about what is yet to be done or what you tried to do but failed. You pray but before you finish you are back to your worries. You distract yourself but the looped fears keep running in the background.

What helps you decrease your anxieties and repetitive worries? Can you really suppress them? Or should you have another goal in mind than just trying to shut them down? Are there any practical strategies that work?

Practical Strategies?

Daniel Wegner gave a short award address on this topic at the 2011 APA convention (now found in v. 66:8 of the American Psychologist, pp 671-680). In the address he tells us what we already know. It is hard to suppress thoughts in a direct manner (e.g., I won’t think about how much work I have to do). So, Wegner focuses on indirect strategies. Here is a sample of strategies with empirical support:

  • focused distraction
    • pre-planned alternative topic to think about when the rumination starts. Benefit? Avoids mind wandering which will more quickly return to the anxiety. Example: Every time I think about the conflict at work I will focus on a comforting favorite verse or an upcoming happy occasion.
  • Stress and load avoidance
    • Overall reduction of stress helps reduce unwanted/anxious thoughts. Focused distraction helps only to a point. Overwork which may provide some distraction will increase anxious thoughts over time.
  • Thought postponement
    • Choosing to postpone anxiety to a set time can work to reduce the amount of rumination experienced.  Example: I’ll spend time worrying about my visiting in-laws at 4:30 pm.
  • Acceptance
    • Instead of fighting and arguing with fears some find it helpful to observe fears without taking action. There is some evidence that those who accept the occurrence of unwanted thoughts have less distress than those who fight the thoughts.

Wegner goes on to mention other strategies (i.e., planned exposure, mindfulness, focused breathing, self-affirmation, hypnosis, and journaling) for reducing unwanted thoughts.

 A Different Goal?

What if the goal isn’t to remove or end unwanted thoughts and anxieties but to cope with them and not to be dragged along by them? Does this sound like failure to trust God? Failure to be at peace? if the goal is to trust God in the midst of uncertainty and anxiety, what would that look like? How would you know that you were doing well? To do this we would need to give up on the goal of having an absence of anxiety and to reimagine peace as something one can have in the midst of angst. After all, we are not seeking to be absent from this world but to live in the world that is full of chaos and uncertainty.

Here are two goals you might consider:

  • Being okay with things not done to perfection and with the disappointment of others who have come to expect perfection from you
  • Experiencing anxious thoughts as normal and yet savoring moments of rest when they present themselves
  • Using one strategy for anxiety reduction each day

So, how do you measure your seasonal high anxieties and what goal do you seek to reach during this Christmas season?

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Does sympathy require action?


Can you experience true sympathy towards another but do nothing in response? When you watch people suffering the effects of famine, hear of genocide, see a homeless person begging for money, can you feel sympathy but not do something about the problem?

Consider these opening words of Octavius Winslow, 19th century preacher (in the US and London) in his The Sympathy of Christ with Man: Its Teaching and its Consolation New York: Robert Carter & Brothers, pp iii-iv.

Much that passes for sympathy, and is really so, as commonly understood, is deficient in this one essential element, and needs to be remodeled. There is poetry and there is beauty in real sympathy; but there is more- there is action. True sympathy may exist impotent to aid, we concede, and its silent expression may not, in some instances, be the less grateful and soothing; but the noblest and most powerful form of sympathy is not merely the responsive tear, the echoed sigh, the answering look- it is the embodiment of the sentiment in actual help.

In this book he takes up the action oriented sympathies of Christ. We have a high priest who sympathizes with our state AND acts to do something about it.

Does true sympathy lead to action?

I believe so. Now, I want to be clear that it does not always lead to removing the suffering. It does not always mean immediate and direct help. There are times where the help is indirect. Consider the Scriptures in that the Lord hears the cries of the Israelites enslaved in Egypt and rescues them…some 400 years later. We can’t say that his action was deficient.

Our sympathies may lead to,

  • speaking the truth in love
  • comfort
  • pursuing justice
  • educating others who can do something
  • praying
  • not rescuing someone too quickly from their own tragic choices
  • inviting another to get some help

So, if you feel sympathy and helpless about doing something of value. Think again. What action does the Lord enable you to do “at such a time as this”?

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Bookend sins?


Human moral frailty is never singular. Meaning, we don’t sin with just one sin. Every moral failing includes at least 3 parts: deception, action, cover-up. Think of deception and cover-up as bookends and the specific behaviors as the books in the middle. And just as it is hard to keep books on a shelf without bookends, it is hard to do what we know is wrong without deception of self and cover-ups.

What are your versions of bookends that give you “permission” to hate, to excuse, to overlook your faults?

Knocking down the bookends goes a long way to defeating outward sins like abuse as well as inward sins like festering bitterness.

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DRC/Rwanda Trip: Final Days


October 21-22, 2011, Kigali, Rwanda

Friday morning and we are up by 6 am. Have to pack this morning because we have to be out of our rooms. As soon as we finish the conference we must say our goodbyes and get to the airport. We have breakfast with Robert Briggs of the American Bible Society. He’s on his way to a United Bible Society meeting in Kenya. Our conference begins with Diane

Planning the next steps

Langberg and Carol King covering the topics of lament and grief. After their presentations, the participants practiced writing their own laments. We made time for sharing them with others. We concluded this section with a choral reading of Scriptural laments. This choral reading was compiled by Lynn MacDougall and quite moving for all. We had enough time before lunch for me to teach a bit on vicarious trauma.

After lunch, I did a short teaching on peer supervision. It is important for these caregivers to support each other and so I taught on how to do case consultations and to write-up case study/questions. After finishing this teaching, Baraka led the participants in a “What next” brainstorm. Their main recommendation was to form an association of counselor/caregivers–Rwandan Association of Christian Counseling as a place to get further support, training and to share resources. They wanted a website that would allow them to connect via social media. As they explored their current needs, many said that the number one need is ongoing mentoring. Others talked of finding ways to get paid for their work in counseling. Many spoke of the need for skills and training in dealing with drug and alcohol issues, sexuality, gender-based violence, depression, and anxiety. They asked for trainings 2 times per year. The group decided to appoint a few of the attendees to a committee to see these recommendations to completion.

We concluded our time by asking them to tell us what parts they liked the most. They liked the small group activities. They wanted these to go longer. They liked the role plays and want more. They would like PowerPoint slides (we didn’t do these but handed out outlines) and for speakers to speak slower English. We promised to send them a PDF of our talks and outlines for them to have in electronic form.

Our final activity was to hand out the certificates for real. I got the pleasure of doing this and getting a hug and a picture from each attendee. We said our goodbyes, made a quick change of clothes and headed off to the car to take us to the airport. Just as we were about to get in the car, we were given handkerchiefs each with notes and signatures from the attendees. A sweet parting gift!

Friday night at 7 pm, we boarded our plane (Brussels Air) to start the trip back home. The flight was full and our seats were all over the plane so no debriefing for us. For the next 10 hours (including a stop in Nairobi), I was jammed into a middle seat without leg room (front role of cattle class). Arriving in Brussels by 6 am, we managed to get coffee, chat a bit with each other, and buy some Belgian chocolates for the family. After a total of 28 hours of travel, we arrived back in Philadelphia, PA. 42 hours of no sleep (all day Friday and the night and then most of Saturday) but I arrived home wired and ready to tell my family about what I had seen. Funny, as I tried to tell them about my trip, I found I was having a hard time making sense of everything. I’m not sure it was just because I was tired but more because I had too many thoughts and feelings and was without words to express it all.

As I post this, I am now 1 month from the end of this trip. It is still hard to be concise about the trip. We learned much, saw much, and have ideas about how we can have an impact on future counseling training in Rwanda and the DRC. Clearly, we need to do more live vignettes for the counselor trainees. And we can impact the area by offering materials to existing schools.

I am blessed to have been able to do this work. Probably more blessed than the recipients! I couldn’t have asked for a more successful trip, better travel connections (well, unless someone has a teleporter lying around), or better travel companions. Can’t wait til the next time.

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DRC/Rwanda Trip: Day 10


October 20, 2011, Kigali, Rwanda

The second day of our conference with NGO caregivers. Today Bishop Nathan Gasatura joined us from Butare. It is always a pleasure to meet with the Bishop. We had a good lunch meeting with him where we discussed future possibilities of counseling/trauma training in his city. I learned why the national university is not in the capitol but 3 hours south in Butare. When Rwanda and Burundi were one country,

The Bishop grooves to some Gospel

the capitol was Butare and thus it made sense to have the national university there. Oh, and another reason it is good to see the Bishop is that he can really dance.

Carol King and I started this morning’s session with a short counseling vignette. I counseled Carol in order to illustrate the skills of bad listening and then good listening, stabilization, and grounding during dissociation. We then talked with them about ways to get another person’s story in bits (rather than all at once) and with their lead (rather than having the counselor pull it out of them). The role play was something that few had ever seen and we had lively discussion afterward, including why I didn’t push Carol (she played a hesitant, fearful counselee) and the issue of exploring emotion. At the end of the conference we learned our role plays were some of the most important parts of the conference.

Later, Josh presented some material on trauma, attachment, and the impact on the brain. To make this presentation practical, we did another role play where I was the counselee and Josh the counselor. We illustrated (in a rather speeded up illustration) portions of the levels of repair: telling the story, re-framing the story (in a wider truth), re-writing the story

Josh counseling Phil

, and re-connection with others. We concluded this time by having them practice counseling each other with a focus on drawing out emotions in the story. We had another great discussion about culture and emotion as well as the cultural differences between the US and Africa (counseling as listening vs. counseling as advising and solving problems).

The evening concluded with a party and hors d’oeuvres. It was an amazing celebration where many of the women wore traditional attire. We danced (I tried), sang scripture songs, heard silly riddles, and cultural stories. Then, we concluded with a ceremony of giving out the certificates. Normally, we would do this on Friday night at the conclusion of the conference but many wanted to receive their certificate in their traditional dress and we were leaving immediately after the conference ended on Friday so we determined to do this tonight. It was a time full of celebration and joy and a wonderful reminder of one antidote to trauma–communal celebration.

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DRC/Rwanda Trip: Day 7


October 17, 2011

Monday morning dawns bright and beautiful. By 9 am we are traveling the one mile to the border with Rwanda. At the border we have DRC officials stamp our passports with exit stamps and walk the thirty yards or so to the Rwandan border guard stations. There, they look in our bags for contraband and plastic bags (banned from the country). Once through the border, we board a private bus and begin the 3 hour trip to Kigali, the capital of Rwanda. The drive is beautiful. Immediately, you notice that the roads are paved, smooth, and the properties neat and tidy. We climb steeply among verdant hills covered with terraced gardens. Low hanging clouds sweep by and leave a misty residue. We see waterfalls as we climb higher. As I look at the beauty I keep imagining what it must have been like for nearly 2 million Rwandans fleeing to Goma to escape the violence back in 1994 and then again in 1996 when many were repatriated under pressure.

As always, Rwanda travel gives you many vistas as we make switchback turns. Around lunchtime we stop in Musanze area to eat at the Ishema Anglican hotel. This area is near where tourists come to plunk down $500 to go see silverback gorillas in the wild. This picture is off their website and is pretty much like the view we had in the restaurant, looking into a quiet interior garden. No windows or doors marking the room from the garden. Beautiful.

We traveled the rest of the way to the capitol without problems, said goodbye to the other members of the DRC trip (Bagu, Harriet, Margaret, and John), and moved on to Solace Ministries, a guesthouse and conference center in Kigali and our home for the next 5 days. As we traversed the city, familiar sights of places came into view. However, changes are quite obvious too. Several locations that held shanty towns in 2009 were green spaces now. I wonder what has become of those who lived there in abject poverty.

Entering the main building of Solace, we were greeted by our Rwanda trip partners, Josh Straub (AACC) and Carol King (Langberg & Associates colleague). They had arrived the previous Saturday and were in a meeting with some other trauma recovery counselors. We sat down and commenced 3 hours of meetings without hardly a breath. Later, our friends told us we looked rather haggard. I guess the DRC will do that to you. I remember having a hard time putting my thoughts together for Bishop Alexis in talking about possible next steps in our counselor training efforts. We ended the evening with a wonderful, 3 course meal. The cook at Solace provided incredible meals for us. We never ate better. Simple, delicate foods with an African touch. If you ever want to stay somewhere in Rwanda, I highly recommend Solace.

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Counseling as Global Mission of the Church


A few days ago I wrote this for our seminary’s blog regarding how counseling supports the global mission of the church. If you are interested in international counseling work…you need to read this blog and follow the link I promote.

Counseling as Global Mission of the Church.

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DRC/Rwanda Trip: Day 6


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Today is our last full day in the DRC. I woke up feeling quite refreshed, thanks to Ambien. I hadn’t slept well yet on the trip so I took one. Found out that if you stay up reading after taking an Ambien, you can have some interesting hallucinations. When the bed started moving, I decided it was time to go to sleep! Woke up several hours later and realized it would be good to turn of the light.

After breakfast, we traveled to a church Bagudekia had helped plant some years ago. We arrived ten minutes late. The church was filled with children and young adults. Very few older folks. We were ushered to the seats on the platform next to a window. The hymns were all sung in Swahili and were recognizable (e.g., Onward Christian Soldiers). There were at least 5 or 6 different choirs who sang beautiful scripture songs. 2 hours later, Bagu was able to get up to preach. Most memorable to me were the children looking in the church from the side door just a few feet from us. After the service we were invited to the pastor’s home “to rest.” We made our way over the broken lava to his home. It was approximately 20x 8 with a partition between the living room and kitchen and sleeping rooms. Doubt there was any bathroom or electricity. Several women then produced “something little.” We ate rice, a local donut, greens, beef, and peeled lemons. During this time I was praying fervently as I had been struggling with gastric problems. I was praying NOT to need a bathroom.

Finally returned to our hotel  where I was immediately sick. Answer to prayer for sure that I was sick where I could be sick. While resting we had our usual downpour.

For dinner we returned to the Catholic retreat house where the trauma healing group was completing their training. There I had the most amazing experience. I got to interview two pastors from the Kobo tribe. These pastors are displaced from their village (now living in Goma) due to the ongoing violence. Until recently, they were an unofficial tribe–meaning no government had recognized their unique language. They told of terrible traumas and the opportunity to teach the Healing Wounds of Trauma using story based learning so that their people could hear about what God says about trauma, forgiveness, and healing in their own mother tongue. They were able to help there people learn to treat others well (e.g., a child born of rape who looked like an enemy ethnic group was no longer being abused for their looks), to learn to forgive, to learn that it is okay to cry, and to learn that it is okay to plan for future militia attacks (some thought that preparing for an attack was not trusting in God’s care). At the end of the interview, the pastors sang a couple of scripture songs in their own language. What a treat to hear. Turns out the story-based material does two things at once: introduces scripture/trauma material AND helps the support of the mother tongue (as displaced families are seeing their language die out due to use of French and Swahili).

As dusk gathered this is the view we had of the local volcano. After dark, we could see the reddish glow against the clouds over the center of the volcano. Pretty cool!

Kobo Pastors

Mt. Nyiragongo

 

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DRC/Rwanda Day 5


Saturday, October 15, 2011.

Awoke in the night with what is likely travel bug “sickness.” It is never fun being sick when away from home and doubly so when in as far away as another continent. Thankful for things like Cipro that can treat the symptoms quite quickly. While awaiting for my system to calm itself down I was reading in John. I’m struck by how skeptical many were of Jesus. The tendency to skepticism is quite profound and alluring even. It makes me feel intelligent and wise when I am skeptical of whatever everyone else is enamored with. However good it is to be skeptical of human promises and motivations, when we apply that to God’s activity we are dangerously wrong. Our problem is that we are not that good in discerning God’s vs. human activities on first blush. We often mis-attribute human behavior to God and vice versa. And we learn over and over that God uses the foolish to teach the wise.

The Shining School Complex

This day started out with a glorious sun.  We traveled to the “Shining School Complex” where they teach 193 children, mostly orphans. This school, at the very edge of the airport, is a set of dingy buildings with a dirt/lava rock play area. There we gave out illustrated bibles in French to the children. These children live in abject poverty and for most this was their first very own book. At one point I got down on my haunches and began looking at the pages with one child. Pretty soon I was mobbed and had to get up so as not to be trampled. They crave the attention. After standing outside for well over an hour, I’m reminded how pasty I am and realize I will be having a sunburn later.

We then moved on to “Mama Jeans”, an orphanage and place for raped women to live. As we entered the compound we were met with singing and dancing. The feelings I had were quite mixed. I was in near tears by the sounds and the image of these impoverished people singing for us but also uncomfortable. Something didn’t feel right about the singing. Their bodies looked joyous but their eyes were dead. We saw the clothing that the widows and single mothers were making–men’s and women’s shirts, baby clothes and baskets. While there we heard the stories of several rape victims. A young mother who was a sexual slave of some soldiers from the ages of 6 to 15. She escaped, while pregnant, after seeing what happened to a friend of hers who was also pregnant. Later, after giving birth, she went back to her village only to be raped again and impregnated. Another told us of giving birth to triplets after rape. She had the

Mama Jean's

children with her. Another was dying of AIDS.

Late in the afternoon, we made our way across the city to see the conclusion of ABS’ trauma healing training. They use Healing Wounds of Trauma and spend the week training a small group of facilitators. Leading the training is Harriet Hill (ABS) and Margaret Hill (SIL), two of the authors of the book and seasoned trainers. This group of trainees was actually only half of the group. The other half was still in distant Isiro. The story of why the group was split up gives you a sense of Congolese life. Here it is. The entire group was in Isiro (some hours by flight away). The trainers learned that their tickets out were no longer valid and that the next flight would be 1 week later. Why were they not valid? Like Jerry Seinfeld’s show, sometimes a reservation isn’t a reservation. The seats had been sold to someone else. But, they could leave the next day if they wanted to get out early. So, instead of waiting a week, they brought half the class to the airport and were going to finish up the training in Goma. The group arrives at the airport and waits. And waits. The plane never comes. Something to do with the fact that the Congolese army comandeered the flight to send either soldiers or supplies elsewhere. Thankfully, the next they were able to fly out to Goma and finish the training.

We ended the day by having a late dinner of brochettes and some sort of cheese sticks. As I left the restaurant and headed up the stairs to my room, a young Congolese woman grabbed my hand and began to introduce herself to me. Seems she wished to make my acquaintance. Didn’t take me much time to size up the situation. Skin tight jeans and significant cleavage, something not seen in the Congo to this point. I retrieved my hand from hers and excused myself. This may be a common event as there are many UN contractors in our hotel and my room came with a supply of condoms. Rather uncomfortable feeling.

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How can you listen to trauma all the time?


How can you stand to listen to [traumatic] stories like these all day long?

This is a question I get from time to time, most frequently from someone who has just told me of the trauma in their life…and most frequently from someone who feels stuck in their responses to their abuse.  They know I see multiple clients in one day and imagine that listening to pain, heartache, abuse, neglect, and the like must be overwhelmingly depressing.

My answer is a little complicated, but here it is

1. You get used to it. This could sound callous and by this answer I do not mean you get numb  to trauma. If you get numb to trauma then it is time quit counseling. But, you do get a bit used to it.  You are less surprised by evil after you hear about it in so many different forms.

2. It is hard. Hearing about brokenness is difficult. It is even more difficult when those who should be responsible for protecting or at least dealing with the sins of others well do not do their job. When systems conspire to harm the victim that is hard to hear over and over again.

3. There is more hope in these stories than you might imagine. Yes, hearing about brokenness can be difficult but we see far more hope than you might imagine. We see more life and more growth despite pain and hurt. When someone abuses a child, that someone destroys another for their own purposes. But, time and time again we see resiliency–even when that person may have significant damage in their life. Often the abused person only sees their brokenness but we see how they are surviving and thriving. It reminds me of how I have seen trees growing up in the middle of abandoned parking lots. What was left as useless is supporting life, even developing an entire ecosystem.

4. You can only do this work if you also spend time with good things. One must imbibe in healthy and living things if one wants to work with death. This means spending time with creative things, with beauty, with life, with art, with music and the like. If you don’t do this, you will die on the vine and you are in great danger of hurting others.

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