Category Archives: marriage

January 26, 2011 · 5:28 am

State of the (Marital) Union: A time to review


Just prior to President Obama’s State of the Union address last night I thought of the above blog title and that it probably makes sense to every married couple to have their own state of the union review. Then I had fun imagining the similarities that such an occasion might have with the political review before the 2 other branches of power and the rest of the American public. First, the more dominant spouse speaks to what is going well with either cheers and/or ice-cold silence from the other spouse. Then the dominant spouse goes on to outline what they want to see happen in the following year. Afterward, the minority spouse rebuts and/or counter proposes his or her plans for the coming year. Since there is no media present to breakdown and critique the arguments, each spouse takes the role of reporter  to give a replay of the key points and also that of pundit by debating the merits of said points.

Sounds like most couple fights. I guess we don’t need a special night for this!

All kidding aside, it is good for couples to do an annual “take stock of our marriage” review. Here are some ideas that might be more constructive:

  1. Start with remembering why you got married and what you really like about each other. Too often we focus on the negative and allow those issues to skew the picture. Remind each other of their strengths and of their value to the marriage.
  2. Take time to listen to the dreams and concerns of each other. Take the lead in seeking out the mind of your spouse. What are their dreams and concerns? Don’t debate the merits of these dreams and concerns…and don’t problem solve to make them happen just yet. Just listen and validate everything you can! Oh, and if you are sharing your concerns…make sure you do two things: share them in a way that doesn’t accuse and attack (“I’m concerned that you don’t love me” may not help as much as “I’m concerned about how little time we spend together.”) and be sure to return the favor by asking about their dreams and concerns.
  3. Acknowledge your own weaknesses and ways you know you need to improve (could be anything from eating better to giving more compliments). And when your spouse does admit the need for improvement, resist piling on or adding to their list. Be bold. Ask for and extend forgiveness!
  4. Name the hot spots or threats to your marriage (external, internal, controllable, uncontrollable). See if you can’t find agreement on a couple. During this time, don’t go too deep into the complexities or get into problem-solving. Just name them in a matter-of-fact way.
  5. Set one goal and a simple means to start moving. Goals need to be something you can control. “Get our kids to respect us” isn’t one either of you can control. It also helps to be specific. “Spend more time together” is pretty vague. Try, “spend 2 hours one night per week together doing something other than talking about kids or watching television.” Then consider what barriers might block you from meeting the goal. Keep your efforts simple, doable, easy to repeat. This doesn’t mean you are setting the bar low but that you are trying to be faithful in the little things and trusting God for the bigger things.

One last thing: don’t wait til the following year to review. Otherwise you might have a mutiny at the next mid-term elections and get voted out of (dominant spouse) office.

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November 9, 2010 · 4:08 pm

Considering Marriage at Virginia Beach


In a couple of days I’ll be going to Virginia Beach to attend the CCEF conference on marriage. If you are in the area or going to the conference yourself do stop by the Biblical Seminary booth and say hello. We have info to show you on

  • new on-line courses next summer and fall
  • a summer class on forgiveness
  • an exciting (FREE) conference next March 17-19 dealing with sex trafficking and abuse and showcasing Diane Langberg and Bethany Hoang (IJM) that can be taken for credit (not free) or CEU.
  • information and even a discount for moving your completed CCEF DE courses into graduate accredited credits.

At the conference I’m especially interested in seeing what will be said on the topic of damaged relationships. Often we Christians paint the beautiful image of sacrificial, Christ-centered marriage. And we should–because too often we lose sight of the vision of what marriage is intended to be. But we ought also to address the issue of brokenness and how to live in the now when marriage does not seem to be working. We of all people ought to be the best at describing marital life when change isn’t forthcoming.

So, here’s a couple of conference session titles I’m most interested in

Thriving in a failure-t0-thrive marriage (Julie Lowe)

Adultery: Can there be a day after the worst day ever (Tim Lane)

Too broken to fix (Mike Emlet)

When will the new day dawn? Loving a spouse who was victimized in the past (Julie Lowe & David Powlison)

Also looking forward to the view of the ocean. Missed seeing much of it this summer. Anyone up for a quick dip?

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November 2, 2010 · 9:17 pm

Sexual dysfunction considered


Americans are confronted with the problem of sexual dysfunction every time they turn on the television. Seems there’s no end to the ads for products designed to improve sexual performance.

What is your response to this media blitz? Are you thankful that individuals with real problems have access to information and solutions? Or, and this is probably more likely for most, are you feeling harassed by drug company profiteering on our society that makes sexual zenith the end-all-be-all human experience.

Both are true. Despite the over-emphasis in the media, couples really do have struggles with their sex lives. And due to a number of factors (embarrassment, lack of church conversations about good sex, histories of abuse, etc.) many suffer in silence.

What follows are some common questions a good counselor will ask couples in order to uncover the nature of their problems.

Perception:

1. What is your understanding of “good enough” sex? This question explores one’s view of sex. What does it entail? Who leads? Is it planned or spontaneous? How long does it last? Is there a focus only on orgasm or penetration?

2. What shapes your overall view of sex? This question begins to explore prior experiences with sex (and abuse), shaping beliefs about meaning and purpose, and perceptions of each person’s sexual identity and feelings about their own body. The point of these perception oriented questions is to uncover differences in perceptions and meaning regarding sexual intimacy.

Relationship:

1. How are you feeling about your relationship? Sex therapy is not indicated if there are significant ongoing conflicts across the marriage relationship. Counselors need to deal with hurts and conflicts first since good sex is based on a trust relationship. It is hard to be naked with someone you do not trust.

2. How do you two talk about your sex lives and/or sex frustrations? Can you share with each other your fears and dream; what you like or don’t like? Are their affairs, abuse, or other addictions getting in the way?

Desire:

1. How would you rate your level of desire for sexual intimacy with your spouse? (High to low) What do you think accounts for this change? Has there been any changes in your level of desire? These questions begin to get at (a) the amount of desire each partner has for sexual intimacy and, (b) possible reasons for either too much or too little desire. Desire is defined as ongoing thoughts and feelings about wanting to be sexual with one’s spouse. Low desire may signal hurts, fears, and other struggles. High desire may signal addictions and/or demanding attitudes.

2. How do you feel about the differences in desire amounts? What we find is that in every couple, one wants more sex than the other. This is not a problem…unless either the one wanting more is hurt and angry about being turned down or the one wanting less feels guilty for saying no.

Arousal/Pain

1. During sex, are you able to maintain your arousal? Do you lose your erection/interest? We want to discover what if any problems begin during the arousal period. Here we may uncover medical issues (disease states, medicines, etc.) that interfere with sexual intimacy.

2. Do you experience pain during sex? Pain is a major sex killer. This may be the result of ancillary problems (e.g., a bad hip or back) or the result of poor lubrication and/or other nerve-related injuries. Some pain in women is the result of anxiety at the point of penetration. But, sadly, these women are told to push through it. Pain must be dealt with in order for them to be comfortable enough to work on anxiety.

Orgasm:

1. How do you feel about the frequency of and time to orgasm? Does it take too long or happen too quickly for you? These questions begin to uncover the possibility of problems in achieving a satisfying orgasm. Premature and delayed orgasm are real problems but sometimes we discover that the problem is one of perception. Men generally cannot thrust vigorously for more than 5 minutes without orgasming–actually most are in the 2 minute range. Women rarely orgasm from intercourse alone.

There are certainly more things to know and explore in order to help a couple solve sexual problems but these are the beginning questions most therapists will want to start with. You can find a 2009 PowerPoint presentation and accompanying questionnaire on the topic of sex therapy (When Sex in Marriage Doesn’t Work) that was part last year’s CCEF conference.

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July 29, 2010 · 5:06 am

Marriage & Family Conference


Biblical Seminary is co-sponsor of a Marriage and Family conference in Harrisburg, PA run by Shepherd Press Authors. The conference runs October 1-2, 2010. You can find out more information here. I tell you about our sponsorship because those of you associated with Biblical Seminary (friend, alum, student, etc.) are eligible for a discount. Using their website, http://www.SPA2010.com, enter BIBLICAL as a code to receive the discounted registration.

Maybe we’ll see you there.

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June 28, 2010 · 8:11 pm

Graying marriages?


I had the opportunity to catch most of a radio show today on my local public radio station concerning “graying marriages.” The show was focusing on long-term marriages and why they stay together but even more on why more are breaking up after being together for a long time (think the Gores).

A couple of statements I found most interesting:

1. “Long-term marriages, those lasting 20, 30 or more years…” Wow. I’m in a long-term marriage as of August 18. Cool.

2. As a country, we are the most prolific marrying type…also the most likely to divorce…and most likely to remarry.

3. Our country tends to hold two conflicting values: romantic marriage and individualism. Because we keep asking ourselves if we are happy, we may be more likely to see if the grass is greener.

4. There is a rise in the number of long-term marriages that end in divorce. In these kinds of marriages, women are more likely to initiate it when in seemingly stable relationships. Men are more likely to initiate it when they feel there is a chance they can have someone else give them what they have felt they were missing.

5. Newness in marriage as well as flexibility seem to be two factors at play in successful marriages. In other words. trying new things and being willing to change roles over the years tends to keep couples out of staleness and thus avoid tempting thoughts that there might be something better out there. Ultimately, this means every long-term marriage really has 3 or more relationships in it due to role changes that take place.

One of the show’s segments included an interview with writer Rachel Simon. Rachel spoke of her 13 year relationship (cohabiting) with her now husband. But they broke up for 6 years before re-establishing their marriage (now 9 years old). She had several good things to say about learning what it means to love someone. She came to the realization that she ought not try to make him be like her. She had thought that romantic love mean having the same traits and interests.

All in all, an interesting show. Here’s the link.

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May 26, 2010 · 2:50 pm

Intractable conflict in marriage


The latest American Psychologist (65:4, 2010) has an interesting article on the topic of intractable conflicts. These can be seen in families, communities or whole country disputes like found recently in Rwanda and the Congo.

The authors make this point at the outset of the article,

Conflict resolution should be easy. Conventional wisdom…has it that conflict arises when people feel their respective interests or needs are incompatible….A conflict that has become intractable should be especially easy to resolve….After all, a conflict with no ed in sight serves the interests of very few people, drains both parties’ resources, wastes energy, and diminishes human capital in service of a futile endeavor. Even a compromise solution that only partially addresses the salient needs and interests of the parties should be embraced when they realize that such a compromise represents a far better deal than pursuing a self-defeating pattern of behavior that offers them nothing but aversive outcomes with a highly uncertain prospect of goal attainment.  (p. 262)

True, but since when does logic ever beat conflict? It doesn’t and these authors know it.

As a conflict becomes a primary focus of each party’s thoughts, feelings, and actions, even factors that are irrelevant to the conflict become framed in a way that intensifies or maintains the conflict. It is as though the conflict acts like a gravity well into which the surrounding mental, behavioral, and social-structural landscape begins to slide. Once parties are trapped in such a well, escape requires tremendous will and energy and thus feels impossible. (ibid, my emphasis)

This is EXACTLY why marriage counseling is so difficult. Everything is read through the lens of “He is so controlling,” or “She won’t respect me.”

Why does this happen? On the surface, an intractable conflict might seem to be about land (e.g., Palestinians vs. Israelis) or about ideological solidarity (republicans vs. democrats) or about bald desire for power. In marriage conflict may appear to be about respect, money, or power. But these authors suggest that conflict becomes intractable because the larger system is supported by the conflict and would more or less collapse if peace were to overtake it. Attractors, they say help maintain a coherent view of the world, a way of promoting unequivocal action without hesitation. Truth be told. We like living in a black/white world where our actions are always clear to us and the bad guys are always bad. A word about power. In conflict, we use power to get what we want (via direct use or manipulation). But there are always power differences between parties. Someone always has more power. In couples, one spouse will always want more sex than the other. This isn’t a bad thing. It only becomes bad when either party refuses to accept the differences or show any capacity to be influenced by the other.

When peaceful resolutions take place, it is because a new system has been developed; a new set of values and definers of reality.

How do you implement such a change? You cannot go directly after the thing that maintains the conflict. In other words, don’t say, “You, wife, stop believing your husband doesn’t love you”; or “You, husband, start loving your wife by…” Built into the maintainers of conflict is a strain of resistance. “I know you just did something nice for me but you really are just trying to get on my good side so you can [fill in the blank], but I’m on to you!”

The authors say, and I agree, that, “Attempts to challenge directly the validity or practicality of an attractor for intractable conflict are therefore often doomed to fail and in fact are likely to intensify people’s beliefs and energize their response tendencies.” (p. 273)

Again, how do we deal with these longstanding conflicts? How do we stop seeing the problem as a simple equation (you stink and I’m great) to something more complex (we’re both broken and here’s what I can do to make things better)?

1. Force self to step back to see the complexity of the situation. This sometimes happens when something blows our mind (we act in a way we THOUGHT we never would). To do this we have to believe that the simple answer is easy but ALWAYS wrong and desire to have a more nuanced view of self and other

2. Go back to see previous unity. So, a couple might go back to remember their first love. What affinities did they once have? Can they recover them? Some couples can. From here, they may find the power to fix problems that seem just a wee bit smaller because of a more powerful unifying narrative that was forgotten.

3. Focus on who we want to be in the midst of trials and tribulations. What kind of person do I want to be (that God empowers me to be) come what may?

Notice that only #2 has to work towards maintaining the marriage and living in close quarters. One can develop a more complex and realistic view of the problem (#1) or focus on character development (#3) and still choose to end a violent or destructive relationship. Both also require that we value something greater than self-interest. From a Christian point of view, love must be the reason for all three options–a love given to us by God alone.

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March 31, 2010 · 2:20 pm

OP Ed piece on pornography you should read


I subscribe to a listserv that documents abuse and exploitation around the world. Recently, I received notice of an article in the National Review (by an anonymous psychologist) entitled, “Getting Serious about Pornography”. The writer documents the known impact of pornography on men (i.e., the objectification of women) and at the same time tells of her own experience of being abandoned by her husband due to his porn addiction. I include her first paragraph. Click the link above for the essay on the original website.

Imagine a drug so powerful it can destroy a family simply by distorting a man’s perception of his wife. Picture an addiction so lethal it has the potential to render an entire generation incapable of forming lasting marriages and so widespread that it produces more annual revenue ­ $97 billion worldwide in 2006 ­ than all of the leading technology companies combined. Consider a narcotic so insidious that it evades serious scientific study and legislative action for decades, thriving instead under the ever-expanding banner of the First Amendment.

According to an online statistics firm, an estimated 40 million people use this drug on a regular basis. It doesn’t come in pill form. It can’t be smoked, injected, or snorted. And yet neurological data suggest its effects on the brain are strikingly similar to those of synthetic drugs. Indeed, two authorities on the neurochemistry of addiction, Harvey Milkman and Stanley Sunderwirth, claim it is the ability of this drug to influence all three pleasure systems in the brain ­ arousal, satiation, and fantasy ­ that makes it “the pièce de résistance among the addictions.”

For more click the link above. It is well worth the effort.

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December 10, 2009 · 5:30 am

What is your reaction to 20 years of marriage?


Just heard a story-teller talking about his transformation from disregard of marriage to wanting to marry his longtime girlfriend. Looking back to the time when he thought marriage offered him nothing he said his private reaction to the question, “When are you two going to get married?” was something like this,

How come you never hear someone say, “ooh, I can’t wait to get a piece of that (meaning long-time monogamous relationships).” No, we only see them as portrayed as a ball and chain.

We all are aware of the negative connotations to monogamy in our current culture. This particular person couldn’t see any benefits and only drawbacks to marriage. It took a life-threatening crisis to bring him to another perspective.

Closing in on 20 years of marriage, I can attest that it isn’t glamorous but it is good. Marriage isn’t really about ecstasy (well, there IS some of that) it is about commitment. And commitment doesn’t give highs, it moderates the highs and the lows into something far more long-lasting pleasurable than a momentary mountaintop experience.

As I said in my recent talk on this topic, lust may begin a relationship, romance may continue it, but something more (unity, IMHO) provides the motivation to finish the race.

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October 12, 2009 · 12:21 pm

On political and marital fights


Recently presented on the matter of marital conflict. On the way home I had a vigorous (and fun!) political debate with a colleague. I came to the realization that there are many similarities between both conflicts. Conflict is almost always about power with the particular issues (or the content of the conflict) a very distant second. We take positions because we see the dangerousness of the other person’s position or direction (and our loss of power). For example, if we follow our spouse’s financial behaviors, we’ll end up in the poor house. If we allow Obama to make decisions, he’ll ruin America. And just like in marital conflicts, we ascribe intent–he WANTS to destroy us all.

What I notice is that while we barely admit our own failings, we love to play out the failings of our opponent/spouse. Obama is taking advantage of a financial crisis to get some of his interests cared for (which of course fails to acknowledge that Bush got the Patriot Act because of a crisis). We could easily say the same in reverse.

My colleague and I most definitely agree on some things–that most politicians are narcissists, that they are more interested in winning than cooperating for the greater good. Truth be told, marital conflict has some similarities. Being heard, getting the other to acknowledge our points may be more important to us than finding a common bond.

It should surprise us that these similarities exist. Since Eden, we’ve been fighting for position and power.

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August 6, 2009 · 5:15 am

Most common sexual dysfunction?


I’m doing some prep for a November talk at CCEF‘s annual conference which I am entitling, “When sex in marriage doesn’t work.” I’ll be giving a brief overview of how counselors can be a help to couples facing sexual dysfunction (whether biological, psychological, or relational). But in my prep today I ran across this little telephone survey result from 2002 where callers asked married men and women between the ages of 40 and 80 about their most frequently experienced sexual problem.

Any guesses yet?

For men, 26.2% reported problems with “early” ejaculation. [No definition given for “early.” Usually early or premature means earlier than he wanted.] Another 22% said the problem was ED. It is interesting that we are bombarded with ED commercials but I can’t say that I’ve ever seen PE treatments advertised in mainstream media. This is probably due to the number of baby boomers with cash seeking to turn back the hands of time.

For women? No surprises. 33% report problems with interest/desire and nearly 22% report problems with lubrication.

Did the respondents seek help? 75% had not.  Another study of men after prostate surgery reveals that those who do seek help quit soon after. Seems that while there are a number of medical and psychological interventions that can help to a degree, nothing turns back the clock to one’s twenties.

A caveat. The researchers only got a 9% response rate for their random calls. Why didn’t more participate? Did those who participated have more or less problems than those who refused?

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