Tag Archives: child abuse

May 4, 2012 · 5:48 am

Validating your client’s distrust of you


Ever had a person tell you they can’t trust you when you know they can? What was your response? if you are like most people, you notice the tendency to want to defend yourself. No, really, you can trust me. Why don’t you give me a chance? Or maybe your response isn’t one to beg but to back away and treat the person with a cool demeanor.

What should counselors do when a client doesn’t or won’t trust their intentions or motivations?Janina Fisher (see previous post) reminds us that the right responses is…acceptance validation. Especially with clients who experienced invalidation in violence and abuse. Notice that the effort to press a client to trust you or distancing from them sends the exact same message: your feelings and experiences are wrong and something to be rejected. Not surprisingly, clients feel invalidated once again.

What does validation look like?

You are right. You don’t know if you can trust me. Trusting important people meant that you got hurt in the past. So, not trusting me is understandable. So…what should we do? Validation doesn’t mean that we agree with whatever our clients say but that we find the truth and we underline it. Further, it means that we give the power back to our clients since many of them experienced being controlled.

Too often we think we know what is best for our clients and we try to indoctrinate them to our wisdom. Even when we are right, our efforts may unwittingly re-enact the stealing of power to set proper boundaries. Even when our clients want us to convince them that we are okay and worthy of trust, we ought to be careful. In everyday life we have to trust others, live with the possibility that our trust may be violated…and that we will need to respond to such violations with grace and truth. Promises to always be trustworthy perpetuate the myth that protection from all pain is possible in this life.

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April 10, 2012 · 12:21 pm

Invite your pastor (or key leader) to attend our “abuse in the church” conference, July 20-21 2012


church should be the safest place in the world! Unfortunately, it isn’t always. Even worse, when abuse does happen, the church may not always protect the victims. While this shouldn’t surprise us since the church is full of sinners, we ought always to be working to make it a place free from abuse. Is your church working to protect the congregants from abuse? Is it ready to respond to an abuse allegation?

This summer I will be co-teaching with Boz Tchividjian (Liberty Law School prof and former prosecutor) a weekend course/conference on preventing and responding to abuse in the church. We are inviting church leaders to join our MDiv and counseling students at Branch Creek Church, Harleysville, PA. The class will run Friday night, July 20 and all day Saturday, July 21, 2012. All the details you need can be found on this Abuse Course Flyer.

Would you consider personally inviting your pastor or church leader by passing on this brochure?

For non-student registrations, click here. If you want to see a syllabus, click here.

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March 26, 2012 · 9:39 am

Sexual abuse in the church–post on the Biblical Seminary blog


I have a new post on the faculty blog over at www.biblical.edu. You can read it here. When any church faces the sad and grievous reality of abuse within their own community, leaders must respond. If not prepared, leaders may make decisions based on knee-jerk reactions rather than a set of previously discussed core values.

Check out the tale of two church committees (my original but discarded title of the blog).

Related articles

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March 5, 2012 · 12:15 pm

Helpful teacher responses to adult reports of their child abuse


Nearly every week we are hearing new stories of long hidden child abuse from adult survivors. When teachers and counselors hear of abuse of those who are minors, our first thoughts ought to go to the question of mandated reporting. Those who come into contact with children in some professional capacity (doctor, teacher, counselor, pastor, etc.) are required to report that abuse to the proper child protection authorities.

But what should teachers and pastors (non-counselors) do when an adult comes and reveals long-hidden victimization as a child? After receiving two similar questions in a week on this topic I posed the question to my colleague, Jenn Zuck. Jenn has a background in victim advocacy and is a counselor and teacher. Here were some of her recommendations (with a few changed by me):

  • Do:  Listen – Let the person tell their story without getting caught up in the details. It may seem scattered and fragmented. That is normal
  • Don’t: Judge – You are not the investigator, prosecutor, or judge. You do not need to make final judgments about what is being told to you. Do not assign any blame to the victim as nothing they did as a child excuses the abuse they experienced
  • Do: Know your responsibility
    • Reporting. Are faculty considered mandated reporters (child abuse, elder abuse, suicidal & homicidal expressions? If a 21-year-old reveals child sexual abuse and suggests another minor is in imminent danger from the abuser, do you have obligations to report
    • What are the school’s policies? Learn them
    • What are the best resources for the person? For example, police dept. numbers, child line numbers, counseling resources, victim service agencies info.
  • Don’t: Offer false promises. For example, “I will take care of it,” “It will all work out/be ok,” “You have nothing to worry about,” etc.
  • Do: Feel empathy, compassion, and care.
  • Don’t: Feel like you have to fix it/solve it, or have an immediate answer on what to do next. Instead, coach the person to seek appropriate help and to manage symptoms in classes. Also, don’t force the person to disclose the abuse to others.
  • Do:Listen for evidence of resilience, adaptation, and other strengths so that abuse is not the only defining feature of the person

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February 13, 2012 · 1:45 pm

Summer counseling courses announced!


Biblical is offering 2 fantastic summer counseling courses for your consideration.  In both classes, you will walk away with practical tools! Both classes are hybrid (meaning you have both online and in person portions) and can be taken for 1 or 2 credits or for continuing education. Click the attached PDF  for more details: BIB-0112-BFINAL. The classes are:

One Session Coaching: Action Focused Change

Taught by Pam Smith, VP for Student Advancement and Coach

When? July 6-7 at Biblical Seminary: Who should take the course? Counselors and church leaders.

Abuse in the Church: Biblical, Legal, & Counseling Perspectives

Taught by my self and Boz Tchividjian (Liberty Law School, founder of GRACE, and a former child abuse prosecutor)

When? July 20-21 (at BranchCreek Church, Harleysville, PA) Who should take this course? Anyone who wants to see the church a safer place. Breakout sessions will focus on counselors and also church leaders.

Both courses are expected to fill up fast given their practical focus. Sign up ASAP by contacting either,

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December 31, 2011 · 12:38 pm

2011 the year of abuse and trauma? Or the year of speaking out?


In our 24/7 news saturated world, we are kept apprised of the traumas around the world: earthquakes, famines, nuclear catastrophes, mass murder, ethnic cleansing, rape as a tool of war. Of recent months, we have heard much about child sexual abuse. Most of what we hear has to do with abuse having taken place years before, sometimes decades ago.

Nonetheless, we could easily label 2011 as the year of abuse allegations against those who were thought to be respectful citizens. This year, the ones that got the most attention were male child sexual abuse allegations.

But I prefer to think about 2011 as the year where child sexual abuse reporting broke through the veil of secrecy. Abuse has been happening ever since our loss of Eden. And cover-ups are the norm. Maybe this year we saw a bit more willingness to speak out about past abuse. That would be a good thing if this continues.

Does it seem to you that we are having more abuse reports? Well, you are not alone in that opinion. Check out this recent Reuters reporting on the uptick of abuse calls to organizations like RAINN and the national Childhelp hotline after the Penn State and Syracuse abuse cases. RAINN reports a 54% increase in contacts and the Childhelp line reports a 20% increase.

Could there be an increase in false allegations? Sure. And every false allegation hurts not just the one being falsely accused but also every abuse victim who may not be believed. However, let us remember that when child abuse was first discussed in psychology (think Freud), it was treated as hysteria. Most allegations are true. It requires too much sacrifice of public dignity, too much loss of family relationships to have many false negatives.

An idea for 2012

How about this year we commit to child safety and prevention of abuse? 2012 as the year the church takes the lead in wholistic  care for abuse victims? This means we speak up when we see inappropriate behavior. We develop appropriate policies (and then carry them out) for all in the church, including pastors. This means we preach and teach on child protection. This means we assess our own attitudes and actions that might support child abuse (e.g., use of porn, failing to hold each other accountable, etc.). Finally, this means talking about restorative justice for victims, hope-building for victims, and care for those who abuse.

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November 14, 2011 · 3:22 pm

Another reason why we don’t report abuse


In the wake of the Penn State scandal I wrote this post about some of the reasons we fail to report abuse. My wife reminded me of one more that I think we have to consider. Beyond our denial, beyond our fear of begin exposed, beyond our desire to protect beloved institutions, beyond our gullibility when winsome abusers confess to little crimes in order to assuage our concerns…there is another reason: guilt.

What guilt, you ask? The guilt in being “the cause” of destroying someone’s career. We know that founded sexual abuse will (should) end someone’s people-helping career. In this regard, sexual abuse is a capital crime. A person might not hang for it but if they now are a convicted sex offender, they probably won’t be able to find employment as a pastor, teacher, counselor, etc.

Notice I put the cause in the previous paragraph in quotes. If we are in the position of reporting a sex offense, we have done nothing to destroy that person’s career. If the offense has been committed, the offender has destroyed their own career and family.

And yet, when we report someone we know, we feel guilty. We may feel as if we are the cause of their loss of their reputation and career. We worry about what will become of their family. How will they ever be able to support their loved ones? What will become of their children? Sometimes the guilt is enough to cause us to waffle. Maybe we can just move them along to a new venue. Maybe starting over will help them put this awful chapter behind them. Maybe they have repented and won’t do it again. Maybe they will make better choices and avoid prior temptations.

In addition, many of us have heard of those who were falsely accused. We have seen or heard of the devastating impact of a lie. And we wonder, what if we are wrong? What if there is another explanation?

So we hesitate. And once we let some time pass, we rarely activate to do the right thing.

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November 6, 2011 · 6:03 pm

How can you listen to trauma all the time?


How can you stand to listen to [traumatic] stories like these all day long?

This is a question I get from time to time, most frequently from someone who has just told me of the trauma in their life…and most frequently from someone who feels stuck in their responses to their abuse.  They know I see multiple clients in one day and imagine that listening to pain, heartache, abuse, neglect, and the like must be overwhelmingly depressing.

My answer is a little complicated, but here it is

1. You get used to it. This could sound callous and by this answer I do not mean you get numb  to trauma. If you get numb to trauma then it is time quit counseling. But, you do get a bit used to it.  You are less surprised by evil after you hear about it in so many different forms.

2. It is hard. Hearing about brokenness is difficult. It is even more difficult when those who should be responsible for protecting or at least dealing with the sins of others well do not do their job. When systems conspire to harm the victim that is hard to hear over and over again.

3. There is more hope in these stories than you might imagine. Yes, hearing about brokenness can be difficult but we see far more hope than you might imagine. We see more life and more growth despite pain and hurt. When someone abuses a child, that someone destroys another for their own purposes. But, time and time again we see resiliency–even when that person may have significant damage in their life. Often the abused person only sees their brokenness but we see how they are surviving and thriving. It reminds me of how I have seen trees growing up in the middle of abandoned parking lots. What was left as useless is supporting life, even developing an entire ecosystem.

4. You can only do this work if you also spend time with good things. One must imbibe in healthy and living things if one wants to work with death. This means spending time with creative things, with beauty, with life, with art, with music and the like. If you don’t do this, you will die on the vine and you are in great danger of hurting others.

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September 7, 2011 · 9:20 pm

Churches taking abuse prevention seriously? YES


We counselors rarely note, in public, the positive actions of churches who take seriously the call to care for the least of these. All too often we hear and repeat the news of churches who fail to enact prevention efforts or who botch responses to abuse within the church community.

So, this short blog is to remind us that many churches do work to prevent child and adult abuse and who respond well to abuse confessions or allegations. Today I participated in a phone call where one such church was looking for ways to take their existing practices and policies and make them even better. It won’t make the 6 pm news or the next Christianity Today because there is no scandal to report.

In honor of this church, let me give a couple of suggestions to others who might like to enact their own policies and practices

  • Determine the organization’s foundations and values for policies and responses to alleged abuse

You might think this a strange place to start but it is my experience that if a church/org doesn’t name their controlling values, another set of values will rule the day–and often without anyone knowing it. I have seen churches who make decisions on the basis of limiting liability. I would suggest a better value is protecting the vulnerable from abuse and standing for truth, justice and righteousness. I have also witnessed unspoken values of “fairness.” Since everyone is a sinner, then no sinner can be called out and restricted in their access. Since both victim and offender are sinners, then the blame is to be equally shared, even if the offender is a pastor.

  • Begin with some key theological principles. Study them. Engage in churchwide discussions

Key topics to consider: nature of evil, abuse, impact of sexual abuse; theology of reconciliation, restoration, forgiveness, and repentance (these topics are all different and not to be confused); theology of the state (too many churches see the State as evil and thus they do not begin to think about reporting child abuse)

  • Identify a team to develop policies and to handle abuse allegations and to identify potential risks
  • Craft policies for lay counselors, pastoral staff, child care workers, those who have been accused or found to have committed abuse (e.g., can they attend church; do they need a care team to bring church to them?)
  • Staff to explore how to make the church friendly to current and past abuse victims; consider sermon and Sunday School topics to set agenda and tone
  • Make clear abuse reporting policies to the church (even if not required by local jurisdiction) because of the moral call to protect the weak
  • Background checks for all staff, including pastoral staff
  • Finally, locate capable individuals who can assess, consult, and treat specific individuals in need of help (offenders or victims)

There is more to be done but this is a good start and will take some time to do it. Of course I can’t end without suggesting that churches seek out GRACE for help on either the prevention or response side of things.

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June 20, 2011 · 10:36 am

Must Read: Diane Langberg on “Trauma as a Mission Field”


My supervisor, mentor, and colleague, Dr. Diane Langberg has been telling us for some time that “trauma is the mission field of our time.” Recently, however, a few Christian NGO/Missions leaders have heard this line in one of her talks and have become electrified by it. I cited it last week in a board meeting at Biblical as I was trying to make the case that developing postgraduate trauma training at Biblical fits our mission: following Jesus into the world.

But, some of you have not heard her give one of these talks. For you, I point you to the World Reformed Fellowship website so you can read a report she made on June 5 regarding the problem of trauma and the opportunity of the church to have a hand in healing this man-made scourge. Below is an excerpt of that short report. Do go to the WRF link and read it in its entirety. The report is not long but it is powerful and includes a couple of specific comments from two leaders in Africa.

We are the church. That means we are the body of Jesus Christ and He is our Head. In the physical realm, a body that does not follow its head is a sick body. That is also true in the spiritual realm. We are His people and I believe with all my heart He has called us to go out of ourselves and follow Him into the suffering of this world bearing both His character and His Word. And we do go – we send missionaries and the Scriptures; we provide food, clean water, education and jobs for many. And we should. We have rarely, however, seen trauma as a place of service. If we think carefully about the extensive natural disasters in our time such as earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis and combine those victims with the many manmade disasters – the violent inner cities, wars, genocides, trafficking, rapes, and child abuse we would have a staggering number. I believe that if we would stop and look out on suffering humanity we would begin to realize that trauma is perhaps the greatest mission field of the 21st century.

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