Great talk title!


I love great talk titles, ones that grab your attention and make you want to either listen in or burst out in laughter. While I’m not particularly good at coming up with unique titles, others are. This one arrived in my mailbox last week. It was on a flyer announcing a Continuing Ed program about attachment issues. The title,

What if you pooped in the potty…but no one cheered?

I burst right out laughing for some reason. This is one I wish I would have thought of and used! My 9 year old loved the humor as well. Then, he asked if we cheered his pooping. Of course we did and so I asked him if he would like us to continue doing so. For some reason he declined the offer.

Seriously, cheering developmental stages is a good thing, whether pooping in the potty or taking the wheel of the car for the first time. Seems we tend to fail to cheer when we should or we cheer everything and make cheering meaningless.

But what a great title!

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Prevention services for pastors?


Ran across a new set of stats about pastor health in the last few weeks. Nothing surprising, just more confirmation of the same story. A Cheryl Shireman reports on data from over a thousand pastors who attended 2 conferences. Some of her stats…

  • 57% of pastors would leave if they had a better place to go–including secular work
  • 77% report not having a good marriage
  • 72% felt they were unqualified or poorly trained by seminaries to lead the church or counsel others
  • Only 38% report personal devotions outside of sermon prep
  • 38% are divorced or going through one
  • 30% admitted a sexual encounter with a parishioner

Let’s assume that most pastors enter the ministry fit (false assumption!) for the trials and tribulations and spiritually mature. What can a church do to maintain that pastor’s health (and his/her family as well)? We surely don’t give them combat pay. While most get vacation and health benefits, few report getting ongoing discipleship or training beyond the annual preaching conference.

Here’s an idea I’ve surfaced here before. What if pastors were required to have a mentor? What if churches provided $1000 a year for use in preventative counseling or confidential spiritual direction? What if pastors had to complete a confidential “check-up” each year? On this last item, I suspect that I could provide an assessment (cheap, easy to complete questionnaires for pastor and spouse plus 3 hours of follow-up interview and goal setting) for under $400.

If these recommendations came before your congregation, what would the reaction be? Would there be resistance? Worry about expenses? Openness? I’m curious…

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Filed under christian counseling, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, counseling, pastoral renewal, pastors and pastoring

God in your own image….


Saw a bumper sticker on the way to work today that read,

I love God. It’s his fans I can’t stand

Then, I saw this quote by Anne Lamott  at work,

You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

Interesting timing…

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How to fail after hitting it big


Had an interesting talk with my boys about how money and fame does not protect from one’s sins being found out–whether in this life or the next. We were talking about faithfulness and keeping promises and how it feels when someone violates that covenant, and how much more it hurts when that violation goes public.

Right after that, my friend Doug forwarded me a Christianity Today article on the recipe for failing. It is written by Gordon McDonald and is directed at church leaders, especially those who lead big churches. But, you could apply it to your own life. Read the story here, but in short, here is recipe:

1. “Hubris, born of success.” It is interesting how we allow success to lead to pride. Moses told the Israelites that when they got into the promised land and received houses and gardens they didn’t build, they should not become arrogant and say, “look at what I have” and thus forget the Lord.

2. “Undisciplined pursuit of more.” Whether we have little or lots, we always want more. And we find all sorts of creative ways to make our pursuit right and good.

3. “Denial of risk and peril.” The more we succeed the more temptation to give in to brazenness.

4. “Grasping for salvation.” I think this works for successful people as well as those who feel desperate to succeed (after all, you can never rest on your laurels). We look for the silver bullet, the hail Mary, the lotto ticket to the next level of fame.

5. “Capitulation to irrelevance or death.” Once you go too far, you know you can’t recover so you just keep going. Why is it that we find it so hard to repent, to admit, to acknowledge our sins? Because we cannot give up our pride. We sometimes choose character death rather than admit, to stop. I think this is also why people commit hid and runs. We know we will get caught but we keep trying to run because admitting seems like death (when it often contains redemption possibilities).

Notice that the real recipe needs only one ingredient–deception of self and other.

Lord, save us from our prideful, self-deceiving selves.

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Chronic pain and the Christian faith


Last night’s Counseling & Physiology class covered the topic of chronic pain. There are a number of syndromes and disorders that cluster around pain as the presenting problem: Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteoarthritis, back pain, etc. Depending on which research study you read, some 9-17% of the population struggles with some form of chronic pain.

While these various forms of pain are quite different, there are some commonalities. Chronic and diffuse pain sufferers frequently experience some form of inflammation, fatigue, sleep disruption, negative mood, and poor memory (its hard to pay attention to new information when you are weighed down by pain). We don’t really know what causes what but we do know that these symptoms form a vicious cycle. If you don’t get restorative sleep, you experience more fatigue, you are more prone to negative thought patterns, your pain levels go up, memory goes down…and thus you don’t sleep well the next night, and so on. Researchers describe this vicious cycle in terms of “allostatic load”–the deleterious effects of chronic stress hormones without restorative sleep.

Because of the diffuse nature of pain (vs. focal) and the lack of obvious objective evidence of that pain (a big red spot, a swollen limb, etc.), chronic pain sufferers and their families struggle to understand whether or not the pain is real and what they are truly capable of doing. How do you measure pain levels? It’s pretty subjective! Thus, it encourages more “I should be able to…” thinking in all parties. Those not suffering chronic pain do more damage by implying that the person is just looking for attention, is just being lazy. Those suffering pain who either deny the pain and try to do too much or refuse to engage the world and withdraw from it do damage to themselves–real physical damage.

As with all physiological problems, one’s mood, one’s perceptions, one’s focus, one’s stress levels impact severity of the problem. While chronic pain is not just in one’s head, how one responds to chronic pain may help alleviate or elevate the pain sensations. Ironically, many pain sufferers resist counseling because they fear that others will believe that their symptoms are all in their head. Those who refuse to acknowledge the psychological factors in pain sensation and management miss out on important means to cope with the pain and to lower pain perceptions.

Chronic pain sufferers must accept the need to adjust their lifestyle to accommodate more rest. They must fight to get the best restorative sleep possible. These are probably their primary practical responses–even above medical treatments (and I’m not knocking medical treatments nor saying that just getting sleep will solve the problem).

One of the biggest challenges for pain sufferers is the matter of hope and faith. When we suffer problems, we often hope they will go away. And when they do not, or only get marginally better, it is easy to slide into despair. Despair usually is the result of things not going the way we hoped or expected they would. Part of dealing with chronic pain is grieving what is lost in order to accept–even enjoy–what strength and health we do have. Without hope, we lose what self-efficacy we once had, thus not doing the basic care-taking activities within our grasp. Interestingly, one of the clearest signs of this struggle is the massive dropouts in pain management research. Frequently, dropouts number about 50% in these studies. This means that before a study gets too far along many are dropping out because they assume the new treatment isn’t going work.

Faith is not that things will go my way right now but that God is in control, cares/protects me, and is working for my ultimate redemption–even when the opposite seems to be true. Faith is acting in a manner consistent with said assumptions even while grieving over real losses. Such faith enables us to be mindful of our thoughts so that we do not practice into beliefs counter to what we have come to know as true.

The chronic pain sufferer who grieves well (asks God for relief, stays in community with others, seeks relief through human means yet has an attitude of waiting on the Lord, and yet still willing to explore and confront hidden sin in self) begins to see that in the midst of the pain, God is there and providing momentary help. Such a person need not act as if the pain were nothing but will look for and rejoice in 5% improvement, 10% more comfort, etc, rather than demanding complete healing as the determinant as to whether God is present with them in their distress.

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Measuring minor victories


One person’s victory is another person’s reminder of failure.

I put my socks on by myself this morning. A minor victory don’t you think? No, not for most of you. Normally–and that word is loaded–I put my socks on every morning without thinking about what I’m doing. However, I hurt my back on Friday afternoon and couldn’t move without help. It hurt to sit, stand, lie down, cough, sneeze or do anything at all. It is amazing how the lumbar muscles connect to just about every other muscle group.

With high doses of anti-inflammatory meds, muscle relaxants, and walking (yes, quite counter-intuitive), I was able to put on my socks by myself by Sunday.

Funny how something we do without thinking one day becomes a huge accomplishment the next day. What changed? My perspective and my standards. If my perspective and standards remain the same, then I don’t view putting on my socks as a minor victory but as sign of continuing failure.

What minor victories do you overlook in your life because your standards and perspective are based on a set of assumptions that no longer fit? What minor victories do you dismiss as meaningless because they don’t seem to make a dent in the progress toward your desired goal? Maybe you handle a difficult situation with grace but because it didn’t turn out well you deem your graciousness to be of little value. Maybe a family member gets up and goes to work despite crushing depression but because they do it without joy, you don’t see the minor victory. Maybe a couple fights without curses and put-downs. Is it yet another minor victory?

This is Thanksgiving week. Let us take special notice of God’s grace and power when we observe minor victories in ourselves and those around us–especially in those areas of chronic struggles.

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Edwin Friedman on the search for solutions…


Consider Edwin Friedman’s counsel to leaders in book, A Failure of Nerve (Seabury Books, 2007)

In the search for the solution to any problem, questions are always more important than answers because the way one frames the question, or the problem,  already predetermines the range of answers one can conceive in response. (p. 37)

Seems true for counselors as well. How a counselor begins the exploration of a client’s problem narrows the field of answers as to the problem and solutions. Now, assumptions are always present–especially in questions. So, asking questions doesn’t keep the field of view open unless one is willing to ask questions not normally conceived. It is difficult to remember to ask questions that run counter to our initial hypotheses. And yet such questions are necessary if we are going to counsel actual individuals and not mere figments of our imaginations.

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What to do with a homeless cat?


Those who know me well know that I’m not a big fan of cats. I’d much prefer a dog the size of a lab. My wife is extremely allergic so I never had to deal with them nor thought that I would. However, in the last week my boys and some other neighborhood children have discovered what appears to be a homeless cat. They have fed it and now it thinks it lives with us. It sits on our steps, tries to get in the house, and follows us like a dog might.

What to do with this skinny-as-rail cat?

My first thought was take it to the SPCA. I’m told though that euthanization is likely. My second thought is to get some other family to adopt it. I’m still in favor of this but my sons tell me “Adoption is OFF the table.” They wish to get a kitty door to allow it to come into our basement through the hatchway. My wife lobbied to have it live in our garage–where it seems to have slept recently since our forgetful boys left the side door open.

Question: Can you have an outdoor cat? In our Philly climate? Won’t we just be feeding the squirrels if we put out food?

Anybody want a cat that acts more like a dog? 2009 pictures 3302009 pictures 335

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Why we fail to act (sins of complicity)


In the wake of the Ft. Hood massacre we are now hearing evidence of a very troubled man–trouble that it appears many observed over the last few years of the Maj. General’s life. Some of his former teachers and supervisors took note of his strange behavior, his loner tendencies, his rages. They even mused about his possible move into psychosis. Despite these notations, they moved him on to a place they thought (so the reporting is going) he would not get into trouble. In the words of one person, where his dangerousness would be limited by the number of mental health professionals serving alongside him.

Lest we pick on the military alone, we could level charges of ignoring problems on those around Madoff, the mortgage crisis, and any other recent scandal.

The truth is this: we see things that need our attention; our voice. And yet, we often fail to act. Why? Here are some reasons:

  1. We’re not sure what we are seeing or feeling. We have trouble adding up the problem
  2. We don’t want to make a mistake and look foolish
  3. We hesitate due to empathy
  4. We don’t want to intrude on the rights of others
  5. We assume someone else is more responsible
  6. We don’t want to make waves, we want to avoid conflict
  7. We think the person we are concerned about it will take care of it on their own
  8. We deem the situation not relating to our own interests
  9. We underestimate that Satan intends to deceive us into doing nothing so that evil may reign

I’ve had a couple of experiences where I didn’t act and should have–a client “playing” around with life threatening behaviors, a friend beginning an emotional affair with someone not her husband. After the fact, everything looks clear and obvious. Duh, hospitalize the client, confront the friend. And yet in both cases I acted but more slowly than I should. If there is one big reason: I think things were fine in the past and so they will be fine in the future, and so I fail to adequately assess the present.

 

 

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When Sex in Marriage Doesn’t Work


Today is the first full day of the CCEF annual conference in Valley Forge, PA. The conference is entitled, “Sex Matters” and so all plenary and breakouts are on said theme. It is not too late to drop by if live in the area and want to register. I believe they will still take walk-ups.

Besides the faculty-led plenary sessions, Lauren Winner (Girl Meets God; Mudhouse Sabbath, & Real Sex) will speak on Saturday. For those of you who can’t come, CCEF sells mp3 downloads on their website.

I will be providing an hour long seminar entitled, “When Sex in Marriage Doesn’t Work” at 4 pm today. We will focus on desire, arousal, technique, and relationship problems (whether perceived, physical or emotional) couples sometimes encounter. Slides and an additional home-grown sex therapy questionnaire is available here (#16 on the list, scroll to the bottom).

The best part is that after I’m done, Biblical Seminary is hosting a pizza party for current students and alums (5:30p) at our information table.

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Filed under "phil monroe", biblical counseling, Biblical Seminary, CCEF, christian counseling, christian psychology, counseling skills, Sex, sexuality