April 7, 2011 · 5:46 pm

Relationship’s role in therapy?


How important is it to get the right kind of counseling/therapy modality? How important is it to get the right person?

These questions plague both researchers and the people looking to get better. Why do some clients get better and others do not? Why do some therapists have a better success rate and others do not? Does the kind of therapy matter?

Well, as you can imagine, the answer is, “it depends.”

Yes, diagnosis and assessment do matter. If your child begins to struggle with bed-wetting after having been continent, you need to know what the problem is and what to do about it.

But, consider this: various studies make overlapping comments as to what really is going on when people get better

  • One researcher suggests that some 85+% of the reason for change are factors pertaining to the client and what is called “extratherapy” factors (social support, physical health, etc. )
  • Another places the portion the therapist plays in the 13% or so

Confusing? Consider this stark fact presented at a recent conference I attended

Patients receiving placebos from the top (best?) 1/3 psychiatrists fared better than patients who received actual medications from the bottom 1/3 psychiatrists. This was cited from the following study: Kim, D., Wampold, B. E., & Bolt, D. M. (2006). Therapist effects in psychotherapy: A random-effects modeling of the National Institute of Mental Health Treatment of Depression Collaborative Research Program data. Psychotherapy Research, 16(2), 161-172.

So, when you are looking for a therapist or psychiatrist, you may want to know if he/she studied at Harvard or a degree mill. But, you may be better served to by one who listens to you, doesn’t fall asleep, and is able to collaborate with you to find a solution that works for you.

The moral of the story? Better to have a good psychiatrist with no meds than a poor one with a gunnysack full of pills.

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April 4, 2011 · 10:09 pm

Overheard on Sunday


On Sunday, David White of HarvestUSA was preaching at our church. He was preaching on the topic of justice from Titus. I didn’t write his quote word for word but it was something like this,

Sexual scandals are bad but never destroyed a church. But gossip and quarreling surely will.

Now I know David and I know he isn’t minimizing the terrible damage of sexual misconduct on families or churches. And, he isn’t commenting on all the sundry ways churches fail. What he is highlighting that gossip and quarreling…backbiting will destroy any organization.

In days gone by, this truth has been used by some to silence dissent and victims of injustice within the church. There are right ways to speak the truth in love. Gossip is not one of them. Slander, as pointed out in the Titus passage, is in opposition to doing good and that which is profitable.

Sadly, we in the church are known too much for willingness to slander those inside and outside the community. Let us instead devote ourselves again to what is good for all. Why? Because we have the Holy Spirit and are justified by grace.

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April 1, 2011 · 5:46 am

Trafficking and Abuse Conference: Next Steps?


Posted at the conference website are a list of “Top Ten” next steps you can do following the conference. The point is not to be hearers only but also doers. Most of us aren’t going to be in the rescue business like IJM and probably most of us won’t be doing 10 years of intensive therapy with complex trauma victims. BUT, we all can do our part. So, even if you didn’t attend the conference…you can do something. As Bob Morrison said…”if you have no experience, no money, and no time…then you are perfect to be doing something about the problem of trafficking.”

DVDs can be purchased here.

The conference ended with a panel discussion. I was the emcee and collected a large grouping of questions. I won’t list them all here but let me give you the categories:

1. Victim questions. How to help as a counselor? As a pastor? What to do if you have been one and never came forward?

2. Church questions. Best policies to deal with offenders and victims? How to sensitize male leadership? How to address the problem of spiritual abuse?Aren’t victims who have sex with the pastor responsible, at least in part?

3. Spouse questions. What if you didn’t abuse your wife but she cannot tolerate intimacy? What is the best way to help as a spouse?

4. Offender questions. Can offenders be restored? What should the church role be? Are there any Christian offender programs out there?

Interesting set of questions. Good discussion. You can see the answers to some of these on the DVD.

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March 31, 2011 · 5:01 am

Are you a delay discounter?


Delay discounting is a term coined by those researching various types of impulsivity: risky behaviors, ADHD, gambling, obesity, etc. In appears that people may be inclined to one form of delay discounting over another. And monetary delay discounting is predictive of a number of serious problems (e.g., obesity, willingness to share needles with other drug users, sexual acting out).

One researcher defined delay discounting as a,

preference for smaller, immediate rewards over larger, delayed rewards.

It can also be used to explain why I say yes to things long in the future without adequately counting the cost. I jump at the impulse to do something fun or interesting without adequately evaluating just how much work is involved. What is interesting is that many of us “delay discounters” fail to learn from our experiences. I’d like to think I can learn from mistakes and sometimes we do…for a short-time. But memory for the pain of saying yes fades and then I’m back saying yes without fully counting the cost.

How about you? Are you a delay discounter? What entices you to discount the cost?

Feel free to respond but I won’t be able to get back to you…I’m off to an academic presentation in Indianapolis that I agreed to 9 months ago, something I signed up for without thinking fully about the timing in the semester.

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March 30, 2011 · 5:01 am

Abuse and Trafficking Conference: Final Plenary


The abuse and trafficking conference hosted by Biblical concluded by hearing from Dr. Diane Langberg about the problem of sexual abuse in Christian communities and a panel discussion of the speakers.You may order DVDs here for a ridiculously low price.

Diane began her talk by acknowledged that the very title of her talk, abuse in christian communities ought to be “the king” of oxymorons, something that makes no sense to us. But sadly, abuse does happen in our midst. She provided several examples, from missionary kids being abused, to pastors abusing counselees and camp counselors their children.

While the abuse is horrific, what is even more problematic is the way the Christian community often covers up and protects the “head” or their reputation at the cost of the victim’s right to justice and protection.

People in power are protected because they are gifted, important, and successful or considered necessary to the furtherance of the work of the kingdom of God.  Vulnerable sheep, who have not found it safe to graze, have been thrown out, silenced, slandered and frankly, abused yet again by the power structure of the body that is not following its Head

How does this happen? Diane listed several contributing factors

1. a culture of systems.While systems are not inherently bad, they do have a tendency to be self-preserving over against rooting out sickness. Families have ways of tolerating great sicknesses via denial:

No system – family, church, community or institution – is God’s work unless it is full of truth and love.  Toleration of sin, pretense, disease, crookedness or deviation from the truth means the system is in fact not the work of God, no matter the words used to describe it. We have a tendency as humans to submit ourselves to some command or idea of men, of the past, of tradition, of a systemic culture and in so doing, refuse to listen to and obey the living and ever present God.

2. Deception. “Sexual abuse requires both deception and coercion or an abuse of power.  The deception must first be of the self and then of the victim and the community.” Diane pointed out that a significant problem happens in the Church when abusers use spiritual language to deceive.

3. Power. There are various types: positional, verbal, theological, emotional, etc. We have the power to speak up for those who have been silenced. Our failure to do so is complicity with the crime of abuse.

4. Misunderstanding of repentance. Quoting a convicted abuser, Diane told us that many see Christians as easy to dupe…with a few tears and emotions. But repentance must take time and bear the fruit of acceptance restrictions, seeking the welfare of others (not the end of punishment). Anyone who asks for trust and believes he/she is worthy of it (after abuse) does not understand the Scripture’s teaching on deception and is therefore at risk for further abuse.

Finally, She ended with some principles to remember. Some of them included remembering that sexual offenses against minors are crimes and therefore we are to utilize the criminal justice system. Sex between a leader and a parishioner is NOT an affair but an abuse of power. Systems are not to be protected but the weak and God’s name. God is glorified by truth, not lies and cover-ups.

May we, who are already in positions of power and influence, lead the way by falling down on our faces, imploring God to make us like Himself no matter the cost to our positions, our programs, our organizations, our ministries, or our traditions so that His precious sheep may safely graze.

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March 29, 2011 · 5:42 am

Abuse and Trafficking Conference: Day 2b


I attended Pearl Kim’s presentation in the afternoon. Pearl is the assistant DA in Delaware county. She works on SVU cases. I did not take notes during this presentation due to her excellent PPT and visuals (video clips, case materials). Sadly, she did not want her talk recorded so I cannot forward anything to readers. But, here are some important takeaways:

1. Abusers almost always “find Jesus” while awaiting sentencing. Pearl believes one of her many cases was in fact true. How does she know? This person asked her to give him the maximum sentence so he could get help and so he would not be able to abuse others. She commented on another convicted offender (rapist, attempted murder) who claimed to have found Jesus and even acknowledged that if it hadn’t been for Pearl’s work, he might not have stopped his behavior. However, this offender continued to violate an order of protection by mailing letters to the victim from jail. His refusal to obey a protection order suggests he is less than repentant.

2. Churches are too gullible. Repentance is not in a few words and tears (also mentioned by Diane). Recognize that the average! number of abuse victims for an offender before first arrest is about 50 with about 150 before incarceration.

3. Allow the legal system to do its job. While not perfect, the legal system is designed to work with victims and offenders. When churches try to determine truth (rather than reporting the possible abuse), they may make it impossible for an offender to be convicted. It is easy to contaminate a case, especially when child victims are involved.

4. Churches can do some good things: background checks for all childcare workers, policies for ministry leaders and their time with vulnerable parishioners, making the church a safe place.

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March 28, 2011 · 8:56 am

Trafficking and Abuse Conference, Day 2


Continuing my reflections on our conference last week…

On Friday, Bethany Hoang of IJM and Diane Langberg of her own practice gave their 2nd plenary talks. Bethany explored some of IJM’s work in Cambodia and how a particular town/village (Svay Pak) has been transformed by the work of rescuing girls and shutting down brothels. One particular brothel was purchased by a church in the US and turned into a center for healing.

Diane explored the problem of domestic trafficking. We’d like to believe that most prostitutes get into the business on their own accord. But, Diane told us that 90% of prostitutes got their start as minors and with the “encouragement” of an adult. In other words, they were pimped…trafficked. She described the usual way this happens with vulnerable adolescent girls. The pimp starts off offering all sorts of gifts and love. These girls often come from homes with domestic violence, addiction, and abandonment. The “love” of the pimp is attractive. Later he manipulates her into prostitution after he has emotional control. We often think of this as a problem with internationals being trafficked into the country but all too often these girls are US citizens.

Diane left us with this quote which convicted us of turning a blind eye. In telling us that the only way we could not see the problem is to not look,

Whoever has the world’s goods, and sees another in need and closes his/her heart against them, how does the love of God abide in him?

In the afternoon, two other individuals gave presentations. Robert Morrison, founder of FREE (www.FREEtheenslaved.net), a grassroots group in Reading working to eliminate trafficking told listeners how they could be effective even without money, time, or experience. His presentation gave the following facts

  • While awareness of trafficking is increasing, prosecutions have not risen. Only 1% of trafficking cases are solved.
  • Trafficking is the fasting growing criminal activity in the world because, unlike guns and drugs, human victims are reusable
  • 4 forces fuel trafficking: huge profits with little fear of being caught (32B annual profits), an abundance of vulnerable people (1/3 of runaways are contacted by traffickers), a growing demand (porn and on-line ads), and a disconnected society (sees porn as “free speech” and resignation to the problem).
  • Average citizens can do something about 2 forces: speak up about demand and make a connection between porn and trafficking
  • Best practices in fighting this is building awareness, finding “networkers” and others who who people, find “trainers” who can educate on the problem. There are lots of resources out there to train law enforcement and others to understand the true problem
  • Also, start with direct influence. Ask stores that carry papers/mags that advertise sensual massages to stop their practice. In the Reading area, they were able to shut down 10 of these parlors which often have trafficked women in them

Bob handed out a free activism kit. Included was a DVD and brochures. The DVD is 12 minutes long and educates audiences to the key facts re: trafficking. These materials are produced by the US government and are free. You can get your own at http://www.acf.hhs.gov/trafficking/campaign_kits/index.html. Bob reminded us that 1/3 of victims are rescued by someone who was suspicious and took action to get help.

In my next post I’ll comment on Assistant DA Pearl Kim’s presentation. She provided us an intimate look into the world of trafficking and abuse from a prosecution perspective.

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March 25, 2011 · 7:27 pm

The last piece of candy?


In the back of our counseling office there is a kitchen. In the kitchen there are some little bins that sometimes have candy in them. I think there is a little candy elf that fills them from time to time. This week, there were little individually wrapped chocolates. During one day the number went down from several to one. I confess I had one of them.

But then the one remaining candy languished. Would no one choose to be the eater of the last candy? Apparently not. Maybe this has happened to you. There is one more cookie or candy left. Do you eat it? Or, do you leave it? What does it say about your personality if you want it but leave it? What does it say about you if you are the one who will eat the last piece?

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March 23, 2011 · 2:42 pm

Trafficking and abuse Conference: Theology of Justice and violence to women


Over the next few posts I plan to highlight some good points from the trafficking and abuse conference. For those who didn’t make it, you can order the DVDs for only $9.95 total! Here is the form and here is the website where they are described. The website also advertises our next event in this lecture series (Dec 1-3, 2011).

Bethany Hoang of IJM opened the conference on Thursday night by reminding us that justice is at the heart of worship. It is not merely a social matter. Proverbs 14:31 pairs justice with worship and honor of God:

He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.

And Jesus tells us in Matt 23:23b that the “weightier matters” of the Christian life have to do with justice and mercy:

But you have neglected the more important matters of the law–justice, mercy, and faithfulness

(Later in the conference, Diane Langberg reminded us that complacency is complicity with those who are committing these crimes.)

Bethany went on to describe the historical rift between social action and conservative views of Scripture. The fundamentalism/liberalism debate of the early 20th century caused many to equate justice ministries with liberalism and is only now becoming more prominent in evangelical circles. Justice, said Bethany, must be grounded in Christ or else we will burn out.

So, we look to Christ. Where does he call us to join him? In dying to self. Bethany quoted Karl Barth here: Jesus calls us to live in the neighborhood of Golgotha, the neighborhood of death. Let us remember that our tangible efforts toward justice are to point to Christ and ought to reveal the character of God.

Diane Langberg spoke to the audience about violence to women. There are some very consistent facts:

  • 1:3 women experience sexual violence in their lifetime (1:6 men); 1:5 women experience rape
  • 5 million women suffer domestic violence every year in the US. It is the number one cause of injury in women 15-44.

The definition of genocide (from Rwanda) actually fits the data on how women are treated. When you consider gender-based violence (from abortion to murder, to rape, etc. ), more women have been killed in the last fifty years than people died in all of the battles of the 20th century put together. Approximately 100 million women are missing from the planet (per the Economist). In addition, the crime of genocide can be levied on those who are complicit, who do not act to stop this violence. Thus, are we complicit in the church for failing to adequately protect our girls and women. When we fail to identify and name evil for what it is, we are accomplices to a crime.

One of the most powerful parts of her talk was her review of how Jesus exhibited counter-cultural care for women. For example he,

  • had a woman traveling with him
  • allowed a woman of ill-repute to touch him
  • engaged in conversation with the woman at the well, another woman of sketchy background
  • completed his first miracle to bless the marriage of a woman
  • Did not condemn the woman caught in adultery
  • Had compassion on a gentile woman wanting some “crumbs” of healing
  • Provided for his mother with his final breaths
  • Had a woman be the first reporter of his resurrection

We fight in church about the role of women in ministry and about headship/submission. Maybe it is time to start addressing the matter of the dignity of all women and how men honor their head, Jesus Christ, when they act in ways that acknowledge this inherent dignity.

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March 21, 2011 · 9:43 am

Debunking myths about marital sex


[NOTE: This week I plan to highlight some of last week’s sex trafficking and sexual abuse conference hosted by the Seminary. We had great numbers for the event but some readers aren’t local so I want everyone to get a bit out of the conference.]

Yesterday I was at Church of the Savior in order to speak on the topic of sex to their pre-marital class. One of the goals I have is to debunk a number of myths pre-marrieds might have about sex. So, here are some of the myths (in no particular order):

Marital Sex is best when couples achieve simultaneous orgasms

Few couples actually ever achieve this (less than 25%) and those who do report that it takes much effort. Good marital sex is about giving and receiving mutual pleasure. It is not a competition but an opportunity to love and serve each other

Couples should expect intercourse to last a long time

Contrary to media depictions, intercourse isn’t likely to last for long period of time. First, most males are likely to ejaculate within 3 minutes of vigorous thrusting. Sorry for the graphic nature of this but facts are facts. Believe it or not, someone has done the research having couples count thrusts. Average? 30. Second, vaginal tissues aren’t designed to withstand that amount of friction that would happen in a lengthy intercourse. It is essential for couples to realize that sex is much more than intercourse and orgasm. It starts with the relationship OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Trust and commitment lead to a capacity to be vulnerable with each other. It includes acts of service. If you count emotional intimacy and verbal foreplay, then sex does last forever.

Healthy couples have similar sexual desires

Actually, in every couple there will be one with higher sexual desire and one with lower desire. This is NOT a problem. Also, the one with the lower desire will control the sexual relationship (that person decides which requests for sex to say yes to and which to say no to) and this too is NOT a problem nor unfair. Couples do not get off track with differing levels of desire. They get off track when either one personalizes the disparity. For example, if the one who desires more sex assumes that a “no” to their request is personal and an attack then there is going to be a problem. If the one who desires less feels coerced or guilty for not wanting to have sex, then there is going to be a problem.

Marital sex will be boring if you are not always trying out new techniques

Sex can be exactly the same each time and yet not boring. What makes sex boring is the attitude and the attention span. If you are not “present” during sex, then it won’t be that exciting. If you are present and prepared to enjoy your experience, you likely will enjoy it. While trying new things in the bedroom can be good, those who believe they must try new things all the time may reveal that they are never satisfied and are on a quest for something beyond mutual pleasure. The lure of “new” and the quest for an over-the-moon experience may reveal addictions and/or unrealistic expectations.

Boring isn’t the biggest problem in the bedroom. Trust and vulnerability levels predict sexual pleasure far more than “new” and “exciting” ideas. So, levels of conflict, criticism, unwillingness to be influenced by one’s spouse, rigidity, unwillingness to listen to the fears/dreams of each other, and the tyranny of the urgent are more likely to kill intimacy in the bedroom than would boredom.

Good sex needs to be spontaneous

Actually, good sex is more likely to be planned. True, it can be spontaneous. But unlike the various erectile dysfunction ads, most people find that planning is more likely to get them in the mood than stopping in the middle of some house work and running upstairs to the bedroom.

Past sexual abuse or prior sexual behaviors will always hinder good marital sex

It is true that abuse and shame regarding past sexual experiences (wanted or unwanted) have an impact on one’s identity. These experiences have a way of changing us and do not usually disappear. However, a couple who has worked hard to build a trusting, safe relationship can find ways to express their sexuality that honors each other. Good communication will help non-abused spouses to understand how to help their loved one avoid triggers and to respond well when a trigger happens. Couples that demand sex to fit into stereotypes and limited forms may struggle more than those who are willing to be creative and broad in their definition of sexual expressions of love.

Want to kill your marital sexual relationship? Start comparing!

Comparing what you have to what you expected or what you think others have tends to make you jealous, fearful, hurt, disappointed, etc. Stop comparing and start noticing what God has given you and enjoy that.

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