Pastors dealing with infatuated parishioners


Yesterday I was interviewed by a local newspaper reporter regarding the problem of pastors dealing with parishioners who become infatuated with them. She was interested in what seminaries do to help train divinity students to handle such a problem. The impetus is a situation where a woman was killed in her church allegedly by another woman who thought that the murder victim was trying to steal the pastor away. All allegations thus far. **Update 4/8/08: Here’s the reporter’s article. You’ll see that I’m not the most eloquent interviewee.**

I’m not the clearest or most formal speaker when it comes to interviews (I talked about warm fuzzies instead of attraction).  But, I tried to convey this.

1. Lots of folks feel warm and attracted to their pastors because their pastors listen, care, pray for, and encourage them. That’s pretty normal.

2. Some people (a small minority I believe) mistake these “warm fuzzies” for romantic feelings based on prior history.

3. An even smaller subset are willing to act on their sexual attractions.

4. Finally, the smallest subset become or were already delusional about the reciprocity.

What do pastors need to do? Build solid, clear boundaries. When boundaries are violated, they need to address those violations and involve other leaders or appropriate people–including the legal system should the person persist (stalk?) the pastor.

In reality, we spend far more time making sure that pastors understand their power and do not abuse it. We don’t spend a whole lot of time helping them protect themselves. But, we do try to help them normalize #1-2 above without freaking out or assuming the parishioner will move to #3-4. 

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Marriage and falling in love with the front end of the puppy


Today in staff meeting, we listened to a CD by Scott Stanley, a researcher and co-author of “Fighting for your Marriage.” I came in late and so missed the full context but he was talking about the fact that we fall in love with the “front end of the puppy” but never the back end. But, every puppy has a back end. Dealing with the back end, he says, isn’t rocket science, but if it isn’t regulated, it will be a problem.

Like every dog, every marriage has a back end. Our challenge is to accept this fact and not try to make our marriages not have a back end. Communication skills are the primary way, for Stanley, to manage the back end of the puppy. If you don’t take turns talking and listening and validating, pretty soon, there’s a lot of poop all over the place and no one feels responsible to clean it up.

Like the image?

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World Autism Day


Note: For those looking for the next installment of Integrative Psychotherapy, my apologies. Will be up soon.

Today is World Autism Awareness day. You should check out www.autismspeaks.org. If you register on the site you can see short videos that show the early signs of autism in children (along with those who do not have it).

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Facial change recognition speed and personality problems


Read a study recently where the researchers discovered that folks with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder are markedly faster in their ability to discern subtle affective change in facial expressions than the general population. This data from the study also suggests that this population of people DO NOT make more mistakes in assessing mood than the general population.

Why would some folks be more sensitive to very subtle affect changes in others? The study didn’t attempt to answer that but I suspect it is because they (a) needed to be vigilant to potential danger, (b) they themselves are highly emotional, and (c) they have been “schooled” to believe that others are more right in their assessments and so they should accept other people’s feelings as more true. 

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Science Monday: The end of Psychopathology


No, we haven’t found the cure for psychological problems. We’ve just come to the end of the course today. We’ll be looking at the problem of Borderline Personality Disorder. In order to understand personality disorders, we need to have an adequate understanding of both biblical anthropology (who does God say we are) AND the self (how we experience ourself and the world and so develop a consistent identity). Given that we live in a fallen world where deception rules the day, it is helpful to see how we tend to develop our self identity.  One such theory is called Constructivist Self-Development Theory. In short, the authors suggest the self is made up of

1. Frame of Reference: (one’s identity, worldview, beliefs, etc.)
2. Self-capacity: (inner capabilities that allow the individual to maintain a consistent coherent sense of self and to manage emotions)
3. Ego resources: (ability to conceive consequences, set boundaries, and self protect–ability to develop interpersonal strategies)
4. Sense of safety: (self-perception, trust, control, and connection to others)

This theory (and I haven’t done justice to it in this small space) suggests that these 4 areas work to help people form cognitive schemas that enable them to interpret events and memories from past events).

I like the theory’s attempt to address matters of safety and internal resources. Some people seem to have an innate sense of organization, boundaries, and ability to manage emotions. Others struggle more. In both cases, we develop a coherent sense of self as we construct our sense of ourselves in the world. Those who grow up in more chaotic and destructive environments have a much tougher time getting a bead on themselves and others. The world just doesn’t make as much sense.

The problem is what is not said or explored. Frame of reference, in my opinion, comes not only from experiences but also from God himself (Romans 1). We construct our perceptions of self but not in a vacuum.

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Radio Disney?


My soon to be 10 year old found Radio Disney on the AM dial and now each morning I am greeted with vocals from Miley Cyrus and other teeny-bopper music. I think they have about 10 songs they play over and over and over…

So, now I have to start that habit that Paul Tripp used to talk about: listening to the music my son listens to and engaging him in dicussion about the lyrics. I’d prefer to ban it because it seems to be all about romance and never forgetting someone who makes you swoon. But, better to engage and not try to control. Right?

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The problem of embellishment: Not just the work of fishermen and politicians


Many people, myself included, had a little chuckle when yet another politician is caught by good ole videotape. Senator Clinton turns her trip to Bosnia in 1996 into something designed to play up her experiences with foreign diplomacy. She made it seem that she had to dodge sniper fire on her way from the plane to a waiting car. Now, the country wasn’t a picnic at that time, but neither did she have to dodge bullets. After first defending her account she now admits mis-speaking (notice she didn’t say she mis-represented the fact). 

But Senator Clinton isn’t the only one who does this. In fact, I would suggest that we ALL embellish every day. We just don’t have video to catch us in the act. Here’s some possible examples for you to consider:

You leave for an appointment late and the “traffic was bad.” It may have been heavy traffic but the emphasis on the traffic deftly misdirects to a different (and wrong) cause and effect.  You were late because you didn’t plan well.

You tell someone that you are friends with _____ (someone you look up to and met once or twice but only on a superficial basis). You do this in order to sound more important.

You tell someone you spent all day cleaning. In actuality, you cleaned at several times during the day but you also watched a movie and surfed the web for an hour. You play up your work in order to make your point. Sadly, when we do it enough, we actually believe what we are saying.

Sometimes, embellishment just helps us make a point or tell a story. I’m not sure it is sinful. It may be that some of the OT numbers are there for story and point-making more than an exact headcount. But, of course embellishment is a problem when we do it to avoid the reality of the truth or to gain something that does not rightfully belong to us. So, let us endeavor to tell the truth and worry less about what others think of us.

Oh, did I tell you that Sen. Barack Obama sent me an email yesterday. Really, he did. 😉 

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Filed under Cognitive biases, News and politics, self-deception, sin

Integrative Psychotherapy XI: Relationship focused interventions


We’ve been following the development of the theory and application of McMinn and Campbell’s 3 tiered Integrative model of persons and change. Now, in chapter 10, we arrive at the deepest and least objective level of change that takes place in counseling: therapeutic relationships. While some problems can be dealt with through skills and behavior change and other problems can be dealt with by exploring core beliefs and schemas, there are some core or “soul” problems that are best handled by being in a healing relationship. We’ll get to what that means in a moment…

The authors begin to tackle the problem of personality disorders. They describe how we all have personality styles, how some of those styles turn into problems (unthoughtful engagements with others), and how some turn into full-blown disorders (“defined as consistent patterns of behavior, evident since childhood or adolescence, which impair social functioning and cause significant distress to self or others.” (320)).

Functionally, some people are unable to step back from their assumptions and schemas and consider alternative perspectives. Such a person experiences their life but has a hard time observing their life without being sucked into negative experiences (see inset on p. 322). The therapist’s job is to try to maintain a relationship, focusing on the here and now (the relating that is going on between the counselor and counselee) in order for the counselee to gain new experiences and thereby develop a greater capacity to step back and see self.  “The working assumption of relationship-focused IP is that relationships change people” (p. 324).

Then the authors give a little summary of key personality theory by reviewing Freud, Horney, Stack Sullivan, and family systems models regarding how interpersonal patterns develop. They conclude by saying that our interpersonal patterns, “are formed early in life as a means of reducing interpersonal anxiety, maintaining a consistent perception of self in relationship to others, and as a means of stabilizing family life” p. 331). 

McMinn and Campbell dig deeper to ask the question: how is it that these developing styles become rigidly used? How is that an early experience get “re-enacted” in adult life? They turn to 3 theories:

1. Interpersonal Process Approach. Unmet needs leads to anxiety which leads to internalizing negative feelings about the self which lead to treating others the same (ad nauseam). These interactions continue because they are familiar and they “work” for us by reducing anxiety (we can make sense of the world and they work to some degree).

2. Cyclical Maladaptive Patterns. A cycle develop that is played out in every relationship. These cycles are organized into 4 parts: acts of the self, expectations of others’ reactions, acts of others toward the self, and acts of the self toward the self (p. 335).

3. Reciprocal Role Procedures. As a person grows, they “develop more sophisticated ideas of where self ends and other begins. The growing child learns ways of relating with the other so as to maintain attachment between the I and the Thou….But each of these roles is reciprocal; that is, they are met with a response on the part of the other.”

Is there a Christian perspective on personality problems? The authors explain their take on the creation (that we are created to be in relationship) and fall (that because of our tendencies to use relationships for our own pleasures, self-deception, sins against us) we form patterns of how we see ourselves (usually victims). And finally, they briefly explore how redemption means experiencing safety and grace now in a manner to “reform faulty interpersonal patterns.”

My thoughts.Here the authors inject dynamic models of relating into the development of a mostly cognitive model–up to this point. They rightly recognize that we develop much of our sense of self in early stages of life and then cement those views in an on-going way–even when we hurt ourselves with those views. And true, we often see ourselves as victims. What is hard is to see that we are both victim AND victimizing at the same time. Unfortunately, they used up their space in the chapter in talking about how interpersonal processes can be broken without much theorizing about how and why present, positive interpersonal experiences change us and shape our constructs of self and why they change so slowly. It is somewhat easy to point out that our acting on and being acted on shapes us when we are vulnerable. But what happens in the now that enables us to open up and reconsider our identity without feeling like we lose ourselves?

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Filed under book reviews, christian counseling, christian psychology, counseling science

Resurrecting greenhouses


On Saturday, in celebration of Resurrection Sunday, I resurrected my greenhouse. Around this time last March we had an ice storm that crushed the metal frame of my greenhouse. With my father’s ingenuity we rebuilt the frame and on Saturday I put it back together. I couldn’t find my thermometer but the temp inside was pushing 85-90 degrees.

Will I grow something inside? Maybe. Right now it has a lawnchair so I can read the paper in comfort.

greenhouse.jpg

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Science Monday: Easing the suffering in schizophrenia


While few outpatient, private practice therapists deal much with those diagnosed with schizophrenia, there are things therapists can do to ease the suffering of both client and family. Kim Mueser, a professor at Dartmouth Medical School has published a number of helpful research and popular writings designed to increase social and cognitive functioning and decrease family distress in people with schizophrenia. Click here for an Amazon.com list of his writings. His Complete Family Guide (#1 on the list) is probably the best though several other texts may be just as useful depending on the reader’s focus. And while medications are important in the treatment of schizophrenia, it is quite clear that when families and client learn to minimize family distress and conflict, they also reduce active psychotic episodes

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There are a number of interesting research angles on the pathways of Schizophrenia. One such hypothesis is that the croticostriatal loops do not work correctly in such patients. In lay terms this means that information doesn’t flow normally from the frontal lobe of the brain to some of the mid-brain structures and then back again. This seems to be part of the cause of apathy and lack of volition and/or planning. One wonders whether the longer time it takes for information to flow properly in order to make a decision or interpretation increases the likelihood of making random assumptions about the world. I know that when my children get stuck in a math problem, they are more likely to begin wild guessing to complete the task.  

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Filed under conflicts, counseling science, counseling skills, Psychiatric Medications, Psychology