I’m prepping for my part of the Advanced Marital Class which starts soon. We’ll be looking closely at Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and its dealings with the problems of disconnection in marriages. One of the key issues this therapy tries to address is the need for a secure bond between husband and wife. One particular problem noted by Susan Johnson, one of the originators of the therapy, is the problem of the blamer-withdrawer dance that many couples go through. During conflict, one party pursues/demands/blames while the other party disconnects/withdraws/withholds. While almost every couples has hints of this pattern, distressed couples have lots of the pattern and it may lead even to abusive patterns. Some research on the pattern suggests that women are more likely to demand and men are more likely to withdraw. If this research is true, it begs the question: Why? A recent article in Counseling Psychology (2007, v. 54:2, 165-177) has tried to answer the question (Vogel et al, Sex Differences in the Use of Demand and Withdraw Behavior in Marriage…). Continue reading
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Levels of Depravity and the American consciousness of evil
I listened to and interview with NY Times columnist Thomas Friedman (author of best-selling, The World is Flat) on the way to work this morning. He was discussing the dire problems in Iraq. During the interview he was grieving the losses that 9/11 brought to the sense of safety we Americans used to have. He talked about no longer being able to travel the world as an American without any worries as to safety. He mentioned how in DC one has to produce an ID to go into public buildings now. To underline these day/night changes in the last few years, he compared his experiences covering 5 years of the Lebanese civil war to what is happening in Iraq and Afghanistan. From his perspective, even in the atrocities of the Lebanese civil war, there were still lines of civility not crossed by the combatants. But now, there is no sense of “sanctuary”. Everyone is a target. A hospital to treat Muslims was blown up on the day it was being opened, a mosque was blown up during a funeral, school girls blown up during a test.
His comments made me pause. Is the world reaching some deeper level of depravity not seen before? Continue reading
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Filed under News and politics, sin, suffering, Uncategorized
Dealing with disappointment II OR Greenhouse is down…and out
I’m all for snow, even the late snows of the season. I remember shoveling the snow off our Springfield, VT highschool track in April so we could have a meet. But, this snow threatened a planned trip to my son’s state gymnastics meet. We planned ahead and got there mostly before the storm. Only 20 miles of slippery driving. He was saved from the disappointment I wrote of last Friday (and even won a bronze in the vault!).
All’s well that ends well, right? Well, we returned to find our driveway impassable with 3 inches of ice and my greenhouse irrepairably crushed. So, the disappointment that I have no more hideaway to read the paper and tend my little green things.
As I chop the ice, I remind myself that it will be quickly gone and that my hope isn’t in earthly things.
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Do you suffer from DST caused desynchronosis?
Over the weekend, I heard a medical reporter on a local news show talking about the effects of changing to Daylight Savings Time on the body. He suggested that one not drink alcohol or make significant decisions this week as one’s mind and body were in a state of desynchronosis. Huh, what’s that you ask? Continue reading
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Filed under Psychology, Uncategorized
Ponder this view of what changes people
“It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of acting.”
Attributed to Millard Fuller, founder of Habitat for Humanity by this site.
Isn’t this true when we consider how we do violence to anxious, depressed and angry ruts in our lives?
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Are you angry at God? Is that okay?
Most people who go through horrific experiences wonder what God is up to, if he really cares, and why he didn’t protect them from the pain they endured. Many also find themselves blaming God, refusing to believe in God, angry at God for the situation they find themselves in. Evangelical authors have responded to these questions and feelings in two general ways. (1) Anger at God is misplaced at best, sinful at worst, or (2) Expressing anger at God is good, honest, and part of the healing process. “He can take it, He’s God.” Let’s look at each view for a moment. Continue reading
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Filed under anger, Uncategorized
Tag, you’re it
A couple’ of weeks ago, I was “tagged” by Cavman (see my blogroll) with these chain-mail questions. I promised to answer so am now.
1. What’s the most fun work you’ve ever done and why?
Forensic psychological examinations of potentially violent individuals. Why? Its fun to explore another person to see what makes them do the things they do (and how they get to the place where they are comfortable with psychopathy).
2. Name one thing you did in the past, but no longer do, but wish you did?
Sports (running and basketball)
3. Name one thing you’ve always wanted to do, but keep putting it off?
Scubadiving; learn to play the guitar
4. Name two things you’d like to learn or be better at?
Learn to play the guitar; speak a foreign language fluently
5. Name one person, living or dead, you’d like to learn from and why?
hard to choose just one…MLK, Richard Sibbes, CS Lewis (dead guys). Person whose ideas interest me now is my friend, Bruce Cushna, a retired Rogerian psychologist who always has interesting takes on the world and is a master at loving the unlovely.
6. 3 Words that family and friends use to describe you
distractible, talks to understand (a nice way of saying he’s confusing), cafaholic
7. 2 Words you wished described you
excellent writer, organized
8. Top 3 passions (besides my faith and family)
Exchanging ideas, Red Sox, Gardening
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The Holy Spirit is better than Jesus in the flesh?
Which would be better: be present with the Lord or have the Holy Spirit without Jesus’ physical presence? On Sunday, my pastor preached from John 16 about the advantages of having the Spirit. Seems there is power in us through the Spirit that would not be with us if we only had Jesus in the flesh. This power convicts us of sin, judges Satan, and guides us into all truth. Jesus tells his disciples that this is better. Not because it fills in some weakness he had, but because it changes (gives us) our conscience (my word, not his).
Many of us long, as Paul did, to be absent in the body and present with the Lord. A good longing indeed. But we ought not forget that we have something better than the disciples had when they walked with Jesus. As long as Jesus tarries and we are given breath, we have the advantage of the Spirit.
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Filed under Meditations, Uncategorized
5 ways to tell if your child is too sick for school
5. Gets up but lays on the floor, not moving. Later when at Drs office, asks if its okay if he lays on the carpet while you are waiting to check out.
4. When you walk by, the heat from his fever warms your leg
3. Open mouth, see big white hunks of cottage cheese 0n his tonsils
2. Doesn’t want to watch TV when offered, and
1. Turns down waffles and maple syrup even though he lives on maple syrup.
Welcome to the world of strep. Will be back for Science Monday and the start of the new semester on Monday.
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2006: The end of a haircutting era
After getting back in town late Friday night, I took my boys to Sebastian’s, our usual barber, for much needed haircuts Saturday morning. Sebastian, aka Sam, Braccia has been cutting hair in Roslyn for a long time. He is a fine Christian man who loves to garden and does a great job on our hair. I look forward to going. I’ll learn something about gardening, we’ll discuss what to plant first in our greenhouses, the boys will get a lollipop… Continue reading
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Filed under News and politics, Uncategorized
Musings on Faith and Psychology 