Category Archives: Relationships

July 12, 2011 · 10:30 am

CS Lewis on “headship”


Last week my prayer partner John read me a bit from CS Lewis’ “The Business of Heaven“, a daily reader. This little vignette covers the controversial topic of headship. Christians have frequently gotten up in arms over the meaning of headship and submission in the marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:21-33). We can boil most of these arguments down to matters of power. Who gets to be in charge? What is mutual submission? Are you loving right? Submitting right? How often should the decider (thank you George Bush and Saturday Night Live for this wonderful noun) be putting his/her foot down?

Wherever you fall on this discussion of the meaning of the Ephesians 5 passage, the following from Lewis is quite apt:

We must go back to our Bibles. The husband is the head of the wife just in so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church. He is to love her as Christ loved the church–read on–and gave his life for her (Ephesians 5:25). This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is–in her own mere nature–least lovable. For the Church has no beauty but what the Bridegroom gives her; he does not find, but makes her lovely. The chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man’s marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the faults of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence. As Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth that Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed no other) never despairs… (p. 169-170)

There is a lot of substance in the above quote. You might do well to read it again, slowly. I gather a couple of crucial points.

  • You want to see Christlikeness in a husband? Much easier to see it in a difficult relationship than in an easy one. It is easy to love the most lovable.
  • Headship is not about being the decider so much as it is about being the first to sacrifice his desires for hers.
  • Sacrificial living is not acquiescing to another’s desires. That is a weak way of relating to others. A thoughtful person may well say “no” to another’s wishes when humbly considering that the request is not good or healthy or is unjust. And yet, many of our denials of other’s wishes are less about right and wrong and much more about personal freedom and control. There is great power in choosing to set aside personal desire for the sake of another.
  • The same can be said for women who are trying to figure out how to “submit” to “unworthy” husbands. However, this biblical passage has much more to say about the sacrificial, others-focused husband.

Lewis goes on to say that he does not mean to baptize difficult or miserable marriage. There is no extra value to martyrdom. He only wishes to remind us that it is easy to point out the flaws of another in such a way that makes our self-serving choices legitimate. Even when we must refuse a loved one or confront them about their flaws, it should be done for their sake, and not our own.

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February 14, 2011 · 5:59 am

Resources about narcissism?


Cover of "The Drama of the Gifted Child"

Cover of The Drama of the Gifted Child

A few weeks ago I was asked about resources on the topic of narcissism, things a person struggling with some of the features might read to better understand their inner world. I didn’t have any really great “lay” materials on the topic so I’m going to poll the audience. A perfect entry for Valentine’s Day when we celebrate those people who make us feel special!

Narcissism is an ugly word if it is used about you, as in, “you’re so narcissistic!” This usually means someone sees us as being self-centered.

The truth is…most of us have a touch of it at times. We desire affirmation, we fantasize about being recognized for our achievements, we want to be special (or at least seen that way), we have times of feeling entitled and may even manipulate the feelings of others to get what we want. Our focus on self may limit our empathy towards others. We may be haughty. All of have some of these features some of the time. Some of us have these features most of the time.

Having these feelings doesn’t mean we are personality disordered. But, our willingness to acknowledge and work on being more other centered MAY reveal whether we meet diagnostic criteria. Meaning, if you can admit to the problem and improve your capacity for empathy then you probably aren’t meeting criteria for a personality disorder.

What causes narcissism?

The simple Christian answer is sinful self-focus. But since ALL of us are sinners and flawed…can we be more specific why some people seem to struggle more with the problem, why some have an enduring bent  or a fixed pattern of relating to the world? One theory suggests that narcissistic features arise out of a lack of mirroring which results in a deep fear that we aren’t special…or worse, are worthless. There is likely some truth to this. However, it seems that some narcissism is encouraged in a me-first culture.

Resources?

So, what resources do you know that get at some of these experiences, desires, feelings of narcissism that could help a person be more aware of their impact on others.

Here’s a few reads I know about:

1. Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller. A classic psychodynamic read about our emotions. She does a nice job illustrating the fears/cravings of narcissism and borderline features and how we all have a touch of these. Not necessarily helpful in what to do about the experience but good to delve into the experiences of depression, grandiosity, denial, and self-contempt and what these do for us.

2. Re-inventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young. In particular, look at chapter 16. In fact, if you follow the link, you can search “entitlement” in the “search inside” box on the left and once you get results, scroll down to the one on p. 314. You can read a bit of the chapter to see how the authors do a good job describing the common symptoms of narcissism.

3. Anatomy of Secret Sins, by Obadiah Sedgwick. Well, not exactly about narcissism but definitely about uncovering our true self-centeredness. Sedgwick lived between 1600 and 1658! Excellent read on the problem of self-deception.

If you try to search for books on this topic, you will discover (not surprisingly) most are written to those who either have to live with the person or are trying to get free of them. Few are written to the person with the problem.

Any resources you might add to the list?

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May 26, 2010 · 2:50 pm

Intractable conflict in marriage


The latest American Psychologist (65:4, 2010) has an interesting article on the topic of intractable conflicts. These can be seen in families, communities or whole country disputes like found recently in Rwanda and the Congo.

The authors make this point at the outset of the article,

Conflict resolution should be easy. Conventional wisdom…has it that conflict arises when people feel their respective interests or needs are incompatible….A conflict that has become intractable should be especially easy to resolve….After all, a conflict with no ed in sight serves the interests of very few people, drains both parties’ resources, wastes energy, and diminishes human capital in service of a futile endeavor. Even a compromise solution that only partially addresses the salient needs and interests of the parties should be embraced when they realize that such a compromise represents a far better deal than pursuing a self-defeating pattern of behavior that offers them nothing but aversive outcomes with a highly uncertain prospect of goal attainment.  (p. 262)

True, but since when does logic ever beat conflict? It doesn’t and these authors know it.

As a conflict becomes a primary focus of each party’s thoughts, feelings, and actions, even factors that are irrelevant to the conflict become framed in a way that intensifies or maintains the conflict. It is as though the conflict acts like a gravity well into which the surrounding mental, behavioral, and social-structural landscape begins to slide. Once parties are trapped in such a well, escape requires tremendous will and energy and thus feels impossible. (ibid, my emphasis)

This is EXACTLY why marriage counseling is so difficult. Everything is read through the lens of “He is so controlling,” or “She won’t respect me.”

Why does this happen? On the surface, an intractable conflict might seem to be about land (e.g., Palestinians vs. Israelis) or about ideological solidarity (republicans vs. democrats) or about bald desire for power. In marriage conflict may appear to be about respect, money, or power. But these authors suggest that conflict becomes intractable because the larger system is supported by the conflict and would more or less collapse if peace were to overtake it. Attractors, they say help maintain a coherent view of the world, a way of promoting unequivocal action without hesitation. Truth be told. We like living in a black/white world where our actions are always clear to us and the bad guys are always bad. A word about power. In conflict, we use power to get what we want (via direct use or manipulation). But there are always power differences between parties. Someone always has more power. In couples, one spouse will always want more sex than the other. This isn’t a bad thing. It only becomes bad when either party refuses to accept the differences or show any capacity to be influenced by the other.

When peaceful resolutions take place, it is because a new system has been developed; a new set of values and definers of reality.

How do you implement such a change? You cannot go directly after the thing that maintains the conflict. In other words, don’t say, “You, wife, stop believing your husband doesn’t love you”; or “You, husband, start loving your wife by…” Built into the maintainers of conflict is a strain of resistance. “I know you just did something nice for me but you really are just trying to get on my good side so you can [fill in the blank], but I’m on to you!”

The authors say, and I agree, that, “Attempts to challenge directly the validity or practicality of an attractor for intractable conflict are therefore often doomed to fail and in fact are likely to intensify people’s beliefs and energize their response tendencies.” (p. 273)

Again, how do we deal with these longstanding conflicts? How do we stop seeing the problem as a simple equation (you stink and I’m great) to something more complex (we’re both broken and here’s what I can do to make things better)?

1. Force self to step back to see the complexity of the situation. This sometimes happens when something blows our mind (we act in a way we THOUGHT we never would). To do this we have to believe that the simple answer is easy but ALWAYS wrong and desire to have a more nuanced view of self and other

2. Go back to see previous unity. So, a couple might go back to remember their first love. What affinities did they once have? Can they recover them? Some couples can. From here, they may find the power to fix problems that seem just a wee bit smaller because of a more powerful unifying narrative that was forgotten.

3. Focus on who we want to be in the midst of trials and tribulations. What kind of person do I want to be (that God empowers me to be) come what may?

Notice that only #2 has to work towards maintaining the marriage and living in close quarters. One can develop a more complex and realistic view of the problem (#1) or focus on character development (#3) and still choose to end a violent or destructive relationship. Both also require that we value something greater than self-interest. From a Christian point of view, love must be the reason for all three options–a love given to us by God alone.

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Filed under christian counseling, Cognitive biases, conflicts, counseling skills, Desires, marriage, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized

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May 18, 2010 · 11:22 am

Helpful read on the warning signs of suicide


Sunday’s lead story in the Philadelphia Inquirer unfolds the tragic story of two high school girls who committed suicide by stepping in front of a speeding train last winter. The death of a child is always a tragedy. But death by suicide exponentially multiplies the pain. Could anyone see it coming? Could they have prevented it?

The story in the paper details the texts and social networking trail of tears leading up to their final actions. If this event happened when I was a child, the parents might have been left with a note or a journal to pour over looking for clues. But, in this case, there are texts and posts over a long span of time. Even worse, the girls made a number of final texts just before their deaths. It appears that loved ones searched frantically for them while “watching” cyberspace during their final act. I can only imagine that this “real time” aspect multiplies the trauma for the family.

Can we learn anything from this? Yes, I think so.

  1. Pay attention to your child’s (or friend’s) social networking and texts. Clues to their state of mind may well be evident.
  2. Act on concerns; take stock of their actions and attitudes. Per this case, it appears there were efforts to help them. Probably not enough. But let us not judge the family here. It is far too easy to become complacent. A child has strong feelings that they express over a period of time, thus making suicidal expressions normal. After the fact the signs seem so obvious. During the stress, it is hard to discern how bad it really is.
  3. Compounding suffering requires additional interventions, whether the child wants it or not. One girl’s father committed suicide, parents’ divorced requiring a move and change of school, a boyfriend was killed by a car. The more these kinds of experiences happen, the more attention the child needs by mentor or mental health workers.
  4. Even good schools won’t likely pick up on problems. Don’t assume school counselors have enough time to respond. It is not that they are incapable but the sheer number of students to follow makes their capacities limited.

Know that some people commit suicide and no one could have predicted it. Be wary of judging family members. They will live with enough guilt on their own. And yet, look for this recipe of pain and perceptions (summary of Jeff Black’s booklet):

  1. Strong powerful experiences of pain
  2. Perception that the they cannot tolerate the pain
  3. Hopelessness and inability to see alternatives other than relief via suicide
  4. Isolation

Other risk factors to consider: previous attempt? Suicidal ideation/plan? Hospitalization (even for non-psychiatric reasons)? Access to lethal means? Depressive anger coupled with impulsive history. These factors aren’t that helpful by themselves but looking over the total may provide *some* clues.

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January 13, 2010 · 5:28 am

Follow-up on expressing vulnerable feelings to a loved one


Yesterday I commented on a series of studies indicating that expressing insecurities to a romantic partner might lead to perpetuating them (because of our impressions of our vulnerabilities, what we think they think of us, and our suspicions that they don’t really care). Today, I want to list the major findings of the 5 studies. See what you think of these interpretations of the data:

  • “Study 1 demonstrated that people believe expressions of regard toward interpersonally insecure and vulnerable others are relatively inauthentic.” (p. 436).
  • “Studies 2A, 2B, and 4 suggest that, when people believe they have expressed vulnerabilities to a romantic partner or friend, they believe they are viewed especially vulnerable, which in turn predicts their suspicion regarding the authenticity of the other’s expressions of positive regard and acceptance.” (ibid)
  • “Study 4 suggests that this process can operate independently of the partner’s appraisals of vulnerability and reported authenticity.” (ibid)
  • Study 5 seems to show that when subjects appraise themselves as vulnerable they doubt a new acquaintance’s expressions of pleasure (even though the new person didn’t see the subject as vulnerable.
  • Studies 3 and 4 seem to indicate that when you have doubts about your partner’s authentic expression of love, you then perceive acts of caring in a more pessimistic manner. “In particular, authenticity doubts may result in a downward estimation of the partner’s true regard and acceptance, as expressions of positive are presumed to be exaggerated and clandestine rejection can be inferred from the partner’s presumed cautious orientation.” (ibid)

SO, do you think those who express vulnerabilities then are only placated and thus receive inauthentic expressions of kindness? Have you experienced yourself devaluing objective kind acts by re-interpreting them through a lens of pessimism? “He’s only doing that because he wants me to let him have his way.” Now, that could be true, but if you find yourself regularly dismissing acts of caring then you might want to explore where your assumptions are coming from.

What should we do? We should express our insecurities and then seek to listen to our loved one with the best possible interpretation and seek to be specific and concrete in pointing out how their actions/attitudes impact us. If we are the one listening to a loved one tell us that they are not feeling secure, then we ought to express warmth, concern, etc. Put off the defensiveness and put yourself in their shoes. If you were worried, you would want another to comfort and care for you–not call you an idiot for thinking that way.

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January 8, 2010 · 10:00 am

Are you bringing your friends’ mood down? Why your happiness matters


Did you know that your friends’ friends’ friends can effect your happiness? So says researchers looking at the longitudinal Framingham Heart Study started in 1948.  The previous link is to a research publication on the topic. If you are happy, you likely increase the happiness of those in your social network–even if they do not have direct contact with you. You make your friends happy who in turn make their friends happier…if they live in closer proximity to each other.

Of course this study begs some questions. Does unhappiness make others more unhappy or do unhappy people merely lose their friends? The study looks at positive emotions. What are the differences between positive emotions and happiness? Would the same effect exist if studying contentment? peace? Or, are we really studying the ability of folks to buck up in social networks? Those that do not are on the periphery and therefore more unhappy. Finally, Framingham is a relatively affluent small city. Would the same effect exist in N. Philly?

But, it does raise some good challenges for us. In the midst of suffering (and there seems to be more and more of it in my social spheres!) are there ways that we need to be working to raise our positive affect? Intentionally seeking to think and talk about the good and not just the bad? Have a friend with cancer? How do you make sure to include conversations about beauty, joy, pleasure? Is your church in a funk? Are you stressed at work or school? Listen to your conversations with others. Do they dwell on the negative? Are their positives that you are neglecting to discuss and notice?

Surely you should not be a “pollyanna.” This is not an invitation to denial nor a rebuke of those who find themselves groaning under a burden. But, try laughing a little more heartily. It might cheer your friends up.

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January 7, 2010 · 5:33 pm

Accepting our part of the problem


Notice how hard it is to own our own stuff? Especially when the other person is the bigger problem? Consider the following conversation:

Speaker A: He’s such a jerk! I never want to talk to him again.

Speaker B: What happened?

Speaker A: He never told me that the assignment was due today or that it had to be done up professional. He just yelled at me when I asked him a question and told me I was going to get written up and reported to _____.

Speaker B: Wow that was so unlike him. He must have had something that was bothering him. Aren’t your assignments listed for you ahead of time?

Speaker A: Yeah, they are listed, but I wasn’t there when they put them up and because I have so much to do I couldn’t check what was listed and anyway he should tell me or at least cut me some slack since I work my butt off for him.

Without considering the wrongs or the mistakes of leader (which may be numerous!), notice that speaker A doesn’t tell you that he/she has a habit of forgetting to look at the assignment list nor that when the unnamed “he” called speaker A on messing up, speaker A then spoke in sarcastic and demeaning and defensive tones.

This is a fictional account. And yet we all struggle with saying, “I didn’t like how he treated me but to be fair, I keep forgetting to do what he asked.” “I wish he didn’t yell at me in front of everyone, but I have to admit I was goofing off and talking when I shouldn’t.” If I yell at my kids it is because I was tired or they deserved it. If I speed, it was because I was late. If I’m late it was because of bad traffic. If I didn’t finish my writing assignment it was because of some last-minute crisis. Notice how we take truths and turn them into defenses and thus avoid any blame at all.

What if you are only 10% of the blame for a conflict and your child/spouse/coworker/parent is to blame for the other 90%? Do you find it hard to say, “You know, when we were fighting yesterday, I said _________ and that was hurtful and wrong. Will you forgive me?” Do you find it hard to stop at the end of the sentence without adding, “but you….”

I do. So do my clients and my kids. We seem to think that if we acknowledge our part we let the other party off the hook. In fact, most frequently, when we own our part, the other party is MORE likely to own their stuff too.

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November 9, 2009 · 5:44 am

Thinking about moral responsibility and agency in TBI


Tonight I will assigned my Counseling & Physiology students a response paper to the following case study. As you read this fictional case, consider how you might answer these two questions:

  1. What are the spiritual issues in this case and how do you consider Tim’s limitations in considering these spiritual issues? What is his personal accountability in light of his functional limitations and injury?
  2. How might you advise Tim’s wife and pastor as they struggle to understand and respond to Tim’s inappropriate behavior?

Tim is a 34-year-old, married man and deacon in his church. Prior to a serious car accident 2 years ago, Tim was a successful general contractor generating income over $200,000 a year. 2 years ago, Tim suffered a traumatic brain injury when a drunk driver, traveling at a very high rate of speed, slammed into his vehicle. Damage to his brain was located in the frontal and temporal lobes. Tim spent a total of six months in the hospital and in rehab. Initially, He was in a coma for 3 weeks and not expected to recover. However, he did emerge from unconsciousness and with rehab regained his capacities to walk and talk. His memory is mostly intact, missing only the week prior to the accident and the five weeks post accident. He seems to be able to form new memories but complains that he has to write everything down or he will forget tasks. He also complains that it is hard for him to find words. His friends notice that his speech is slower now. He is oriented to person, place, and time.

Tim’s wife and pastor ask you to meet with him. Tim complies. In session he is affable, talkative, but unsure why others think he needs counseling. He notes that he works hard every day, uses his daily contacts in business to talk about God’s miraculous work in his life. He admits that he smokes now and should quit but that shouldn’t be reason enough to warrant counseling. He signs a release to talk to his wife and pastor.

You learn from his wife that Tim has numerous problems that did not exist prior to the accident. Most notably: he doesn’t complete work; fails to bill clients properly; seems to over-estimate what he can complete; work done does not meet his pre-accident quality; he is easily angered and even aggressive; he curses and smokes 2-3 packs per day (none prior to accident); he drinks; he spends beyond his means; he has periods of deep depression; he engages in foul language about sex; is demanding of sexual activity with his wife (but cannot perform since the accident); he flirts with other women.

Tim refuses to return for further appointments. His wife and pastor come to you to discuss options and how to think about Tim’s behavior. The church board has removed Tim from his diaconal position this week and is likely to initiate church discipline after it was discovered that he made a sexual comment to an 18-year-old girl (he commented (spoke admiringly) about her breast size).

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October 12, 2009 · 12:21 pm

On political and marital fights


Recently presented on the matter of marital conflict. On the way home I had a vigorous (and fun!) political debate with a colleague. I came to the realization that there are many similarities between both conflicts. Conflict is almost always about power with the particular issues (or the content of the conflict) a very distant second. We take positions because we see the dangerousness of the other person’s position or direction (and our loss of power). For example, if we follow our spouse’s financial behaviors, we’ll end up in the poor house. If we allow Obama to make decisions, he’ll ruin America. And just like in marital conflicts, we ascribe intent–he WANTS to destroy us all.

What I notice is that while we barely admit our own failings, we love to play out the failings of our opponent/spouse. Obama is taking advantage of a financial crisis to get some of his interests cared for (which of course fails to acknowledge that Bush got the Patriot Act because of a crisis). We could easily say the same in reverse.

My colleague and I most definitely agree on some things–that most politicians are narcissists, that they are more interested in winning than cooperating for the greater good. Truth be told, marital conflict has some similarities. Being heard, getting the other to acknowledge our points may be more important to us than finding a common bond.

It should surprise us that these similarities exist. Since Eden, we’ve been fighting for position and power.

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October 1, 2009 · 5:04 am

Parents as…?


Having had fun with the marriage metaphors a few days ago, I thought about a similar question about the best descriptive words about the role of parent. What triggered my thinking was a public radio interview with the authors of Too Close for Comfort, a book about mother/daughter relationships. In the interview they discussed problem parent labels: helicopter parents, parents as personal concierge, as guarantor of happiness for their child, etc.

What words do you think describe a better metaphor as parent and why? Guide? Mentor? Coach? In some ways, parents are more connected to their kids than in past generations. And yet, this connection may cause kids to depend more on their parents rather than getting out there and being responsible for their life. Can you think of ways to describe parenting that allows for emotional closeness without the over-dependency.

Here’s one I would like not to have as a title: Parent as homework tutor.

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