Category Archives: christian counseling

November 11, 2008 · 5:29 am

The addict in us all


Later this week, CCEF will hold their annual teaching conference in Valley Forge, PA. The theme this year is addictions. I have the pleasure of teaching on Friday along with their faculty/staff. Also teaching are Diane Langberg, John Freeman, Leslie Vernick and guest appearances by Mark Driscoll and music by the Gettys. Will have my slides up here after the conference. I will be outlining two main techniques useful in the early stages of counseling those struggling with addictions.

Should be a fun time. If you come, stop by the Biblical Seminary table to chat…

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Filed under addiction, biblical counseling, christian counseling, christian psychology, counseling, counseling skills, Ed Welch, Psychology

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November 10, 2008 · 10:24 am

God’s response to a people addicted to evil


Later this week I’ll be speaking at CCEF’s Annual Conference about addiction (more to come on that tomorrow) and so lately I’ve been thinking about sin and addiction.

It is common for Christian folk stuck in repetitive sin to move away from God. Why? There are a variety of reasons but often they include overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and a desire to fix the problem through some sort of penance. But when individuals suffer from being sinned against, they are much more likely to go to God and talk to him about it.

With that in mind, I went to church yesterday and heard a sermon by our pastor on Judges 4-5 (The Deborah/Barak/Sisera story). And Pastor Traylor made this point,

Israel brought their oppression on themselves by their own idolatry. Yes, the king of Caanan was the oppressor but the cause was their own foolishness and evil inclination. What do they do? It seems that after 20 years of oppression, they cry to the Lord and he provides, yet again, a rescuer. This pattern is evident throughout Scripture but nowhere clearer than in the book of Judges. Sinners return to God, cry out for mercy and rescue, and God hears and delivers.

What if we were to cry out for deliverance much quicker? When we are righteously suffering it seems easy to do. But when we know we have fallen away, we find it much harder.

Do you suffer from the consequences of repetitive sin? Turn to God the second after to seek his deliverance. Continue that pattern (in an honest fashion) and you will discover that God provides the way of escape BEFORE you give in to that temptation.

We need to beat it into our heads that God wants us to turn to him even when we sin. The illustrations are numerous that we are loved by a pursuing God. Unfortunately, we also see that we are very committed to covering up our brokenness. Let us remember it is a losing battle. We will not be able to cover up for ever…

May God have mercy and deliver us from evil.

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Filed under addiction, biblical counseling, Biblical Reflection, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, Desires, self-deception

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November 7, 2008 · 5:06 am

Domestic Violence No-Nos


Staff meeting today was run by two colleagues presenting information from a recent PASCH conference (aka Peace and Safety in the Christian Home). They brought goodies such as a 2 page document entitled, “Guidelines for pastors responding to domestic violence” and a number of small books. During the presentation they listed two common but problematic responses by well-meaning people (not even considering the “just submit…” mistake) :

1. Pressuring the victim to leave the home…without a careful plan.

It may be important for someone who is in danger to leave. But without a plan, the victim may be in greater danger from a rageful spouse or have no access to money or other family resources.

2. Encouraging a person to go to marital counseling.

Its not possible to do marital counseling when one person is battering (physically or with words) another. Marital counseling presupposes two people working toward the same goal.

The two also mentioned a good website. Check out www.theraveproject.org.

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October 10, 2008 · 10:57 am

Mindfulness and meditation


In my own reading I’ve been exploring the concept of mindfulness and its similarity to meditation, being present, etc. There are biblical corollaries that make this an important topic as so frequently we react to life rather than observe it without giving in to impulsive reactions. Mindfulness and meditation are different but may share some commonalities. For example, healthy biblical meditation includes focusing on the character of God, his word, his creation, etc. It includes being aware of these things rather than judging experience or anxiously running after a feeling. Mindfulness also includes this focus and being present. Consider the opening words in Erica Tan’s recent essay,

According to Germer (2005, p. 7) in Mindfulness and psychotherapy, mindfulness is “the awareness of present experience with acceptance.” Mindfulness is a skill that enables an individual to be aware of the present–feelings, thoughts, situation, other people., and so on–without being reactive.

She goes on to quote Germer again about the opposite of mindfulness,

To be mindful is to wake up, to recognize what is happening in the moment. We are rarely mindful. We are usually caught up in the distracting thoughts or in opinions about what is happening in the moment. (p. 4-5).

In this way, mindfulness is similar to meditation in that both are focused on “noticing” things with our reactivity. Meditation does assume or judge things from God’s point of view in such a way that frees us from worry or fighting the situation. Both include an acceptance but meditation includes acceptance of God’s point of view.

I think mindfulness research in psychology has exploded because of the propensity for us to be constantly and anxiously judging our worlds. We confirm our own fears about what is right, wrong, good, bad. It recognizes that there can be wise thinking about these things but much of our lives are reactive and anxiety based. So, we benefit from the reminder that acceptance of feelings, and experiences helps us to be aware of that there is a “bigger picture” as Tan reminds us. While some may think this acceptance makes us passive or allows us to become unwilling to do something about sinfulness, that is not the point of mindfulness or meditation and would be a mis-use of these tools.

Tan, E. (2008). Mindfulness in Sexual Identity Therapy. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 27, 274-278.

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Filed under Anxiety, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, Mindfulness, Psychology

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October 8, 2008 · 5:01 am

Comfort is in the eye of the beholder


When you read the lament Psalms are you comforted? Do you feel God’s care for your plight? Over the years I’ve had a number of conversations about this topic. Some find great comfort in reading about God’s concern for his people in the midst of their suffering. Others prefer to hang out in more positive, praise oriented passages in order to meditate on the good things God is doing. Some find more comfort in realism now, others find comfort in expectantly meditating on heaven.

How about you? How about those you might try to comfort in their time of misery? Does empathizing with the depths of trouble being faced (e.g., “Wow, what you are going through is incredibly hard!”) help or does it endanger more depressing thoughts? Does talking of ultimate delivery in heaven help or distance you from your friend? It is key for us to find out as we walk with those going through the valley.

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Filed under biblical counseling, Biblical Reflection, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, counseling, suffering, teaching counseling

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September 23, 2008 · 5:52 am

More comments from the SCP conference


Some tantalizing quotes from our recent conference unapologetically taken out of context for your tasting pleasure:

Bill Hathaway: “Psychology is a social construction that gives us pockets of truth about the real world.”

From a presentation on the history of the psychology of religion project begun in the 19th century. He was talking about this historical project that was originally undertaken to explore and explain religious experience. Of course, the explanation was also reductionistic since it was undertaken from a naturalistic worldview–one that rejected the possibility of the supernatural. We should admit that all human explanations are reductionistic. But some more closely approximate the world as God created it. 

Another Hathaway quote: “We don’t need to be therapy prostitutes, doing whatever the client wants.”

I’ll leave that one without explanation.

JKA Smith: “All science is hermeneutic, a take or interpretation of things…Science is culture…so the interaction between faith and psychology or theology and science is cross cultural.” And, “The most important questions of Christian psychology are these, What’s at issue…What’s at stake?”

Richard Schultz:

“Biblical interpretation is not complete by coming to the meaning of any one text.” On the necessity of reading the bible in light of the whole, or, the importance of building a biblical theology.

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Filed under Christian Apologetics, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, counseling, Doctrine/Theology, Great Quotes, Psychology

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September 22, 2008 · 10:28 am

Bobblehead Christianity


At the Society for Christian Psychology, JKA Smith (a Calvin Coll. philosopher) made an offhanded comment about bobblehead Christianity–the kind where the head is huge but the body is nearly non-existent. This image has really stuck with me.

We fill the head with truth and facts about our faith and we expect that to transform us into Christ. But we ignore the body, or the practices of the faith. He made mention of this problem in a discussion about worldview. He said something to this effect: “I think worldview conversations are important. I love worldview. I’d marry it if I could. But we must pay attention to our practices as they are attached to worldview and shape it in reverse. Worldview discourse places too much emphasis on what we think and less on what we do. We need to include visceral ways of knowing…tactile involvement in worship.” (phrases from my notes, not true quotation)

Seems we ought to take his critique to heart. Where are we overemphasizing truth statements or thinking about self as change agent and underemphasizing performing (use of disciplines) as acting into the truth as a work of the Holy Spirit?

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Filed under christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, church and culture, Cultural Anthropology, Doctrine/Theology, Evangelicals, Psychology

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September 19, 2008 · 5:01 pm

Overheard at the Society for Christian Psychology


In Chicago for the annual conference for the Society for Christian Psychology. My head is full. Good conversations with colleagues from different parts of the country. This is a unique opportunity to have philosophers, theologians, and counselors talking together about Scripture and counseling.

I’ll blog more about this but Kevin Vanhoozer, a theologian from TEDS, gave two talks about counseling as acting into the theodrama of Scripture. He likened the playwright as God, the Holy Spirit as the director, the theologian as the dramaturg (a person who is to research the history of the play, give rich detail about its meaning, etc.), and the counselor as the acting coach.

Nice imagery I think.

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Filed under Biblical Reflection, christian counseling, christian psychology, counseling science, Doctrine/Theology, Psychology

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September 12, 2008 · 5:19 am

“I apologize for being late…”: bad behaviors by your counselor


Just skimmed, “‘I apologize for being late’: The courteous psychotherapist” (in the 2008 (v. 45:2)Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, pp 273-277) by Rolfs Pinkerton. Pinkerton details how our bad behaviors can harm (gasp!) the therapeutic alliance but that courteousness and correcting the behavior can help alleviate the problem. No surprise here.

But wait, what are some of the bad behaviors (no not the really bad and really obvious ones) he’s concerned about. Let’s see how we rate:

1. Being more than 15 minutes late. Apologies help but if it is a regular problem then…

Hmm. I’m usually 5 minutes late. Does that count as bad?

2. Falling asleep or being obviously worn out.

I try to solve this by drinking caffeine.

3. Forgetting names, using the wrong one or the wrong pronunciation.

So, when I pray for my “brother” or “sister” is it obvious that I’ve forgotten their name? Actually, I do pray that way sometimes and I haven’t forgotten a thing.

4. Repeatedly checking the clock.

I have an internal clock and so I try not to ever look. Probably why I’m regularly 10 minutes behind by the end of the day. So, how much is too much?

5. Taking calls.

Never do that. But I have forgotten to silence the phone. I hate it when that happens.

6. Drinking or eating in front of the client without offering some.

Oops. Did I mention that I caffeinate? Didn’t think that was rude. Hmmm. I have clients coming in bringing their Starbucks and I never feel left out. I wouldn’t eat in front of them. Do I get partial credit?

How about you? If you are a counselor, what are your faux pas? If you ever were a client, what annoying (not illegal or immoral ones–those are pretty clear) habits irk/irked you? (Be gentle with us and be sure to protect the guilty. We’re rather fragile.)

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Filed under christian counseling, christian psychology, counseling, counseling skills, Psychology, Relationships, teaching counseling

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September 10, 2008 · 9:42 am

Hating the desire for intimacy


In prep for a presentation next week I have been reviewing Dan Allender’s”The Wounded Heart.” While I’m not a fan of his approach in this book (it’s too much at once for those with PTSD), I do think he has many, many nuggets of truth. Here’s one on p. 41:

Let me state an important observation: I have never worked with an abused man or woman who did not hate or mistrust the hunger for intimacy. In most victims, the essence of the battle is a hatred of their hunger for love and a strong distaste for any passion that might lead to a vulnerable expression of desire….The enemy, or so it feels, is the passion to be lovingly pursued and nourishingly touched by a person whose heart is utterly disposed to do us good. Such people (if they exist at all) are rare; it is therefore easier to hate the hunger than to wait expectantly for the day of satisfaction.

I see this love/hate/fear theme in many troubled marriages–even those where abuse is absent. When we desire this nourishment from someone “utterly disposed to do us good” and then continually wake to the realization that the person we married is not–no, cannot–disposed to do us good in the way we dream, we often feel rejected and invalidated because it seems to us the person is holding out on us. In response to these fears, we have one of several choices:

  1. Demand/pursue via criticism, complaint, accusation, suggestion, etc. that the person give what they are withholding: perfect validation and intimacy
  2. Withdraw into coldness, self-hatred, workaholism, fantasy, etc. to avoid the intimacy that is present in the marriage because it is not what we think it should be
  3. Actively pursue the dream of intimacy with others, or
  4. Daily die to the dream that the other will make us fully secure and happy WHILE continuing to offer unconditional intimacy, support, validation of the other in order to better provide sacrificial love AND yet still communicating (without demand) clearly our requests for how the other can love us well or what behaviors they should stop that are hurtful.

As you can see the 4th is impossible without the power of the Holy Spirit. The first 3 are much easier choices. They require less of us and maintain our all/nothing view of self and the world. The truth is we can only approach the 4th position if we place our trust in God to sustain us in a broken world. And therein lies the problem. It is hard for us humans to trust an unseen God, especially when our experience with the seen world tells us that love is conditional, that we are not valued, etc.

What’s the answer then? There is no one answer. But am I willing today to do one thing where I trust the Lord and show love/civility to the other as a creature made in the image of God. If I can answer yes, then I need to find another human being (since we are made for community) to help me discern what that love might look like today (hint: it may not look anything like what my spouse thinks it should look like).

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Filed under Abuse, Anxiety, christian counseling, christian psychology, Communication, conflicts, Desires, Great Quotes, love, marriage, Relationships

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