July 10, 2010 · 11:09 am

Gardening illustration that works for persistent problems in life


5 years ago a friend of mine asked if I wanted some purple cone flowers for my flower garden around my house.

Having admired them in other gardens, I said yes and promptly planted them in a spot next to some other flowers. Turns out they were Brown Eyed Susans, a relative of the intended flower. And, further, they spread terribly. I enjoyed them the first summer but began ripping them out the next year as they spread through the iris and choked out some other plantings.

Now, some five years later, I am still pulling these plants. They grow and spread quickly. I never let them flower but pull them as soon as I can make sure I get them and not another plan that might be right in the same spot. When I pull them I know that some little root fiber remains and so I’ll be back pulling again in a week or so.

The truth is I will never be free from these plantings. I do have some choices:

  • ignore them and let them take over the garden (BTW, they would be fine in an isolated spot surrounded by grass so they couldn’t take over another planted area)
  • be irritated that I can’t get rid of them and thus fail to see the beauty around them
  • stay vigilant but enjoy the garden
  • try shock and awe by killing everything in that spot.

I find this is much like our persistent life problems. Whether by naive choice or by something beyond our control, we develop persistent struggles with things like anxiety, depression, addictions, relational challenges, etc. While God sometimes provide miraculous removal of these struggles, we rarely find complete freedom from these kinds of struggles. We may not be in crisis mode forever, but total relaxation and assumption of no return of the problem is rare also.

So, we too have some choices:

  • be angry and bitter that the problem continues to have some place in our life
  • blame others for our problems
  • ruminate on why only we seem to have these problems
  • try shock and awe and so destroy lots of other things
  • accept the need to stay vigilant, going after the roots and shoots as soon as we notice them.

Does this illustration work for you?

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July 6, 2010 · 2:33 pm

Suffering and Divine Sovereignty?


What is similar and different counselors and beauty queens? Well, we both want to end human suffering and seek world peace BUT the counselor no longer talks as if it is possible in this life. We know that sitting in suffering is, in fact, an important act in this life.

So, for all you counselor types out there, I have a theology book for you. Currently, I am reading Suffering and the Goodness of God, edited by Christopher Morgan and Robert Peterson (Crossway, 2008).

Not all theology books are stuffy. Really. This one is very readable and helpful. Chapter one (Robert Yarbrough) lists 11 theses about suffering. I will not repeat them all here but each one is illustrated from Scripture and personal experience. Here is a taste:

1. Suffering is neither good nor completely explicable

2. Suffering in itself is no validation of religious truth

3. Accounting for suffering is forced upon us by our times

4. Suffering may be a stumbling block to Gospel reception

5. Suffering Creates teachable moments for Gospel reception (though this does not make suffering, in itself, good)

7. Suffering is the price of much fruitful ministry

10. Suffering unites us with other sinners we seek to serve

Lest you think this book takes a happy view of suffering, consider this quote:

It is certainly true that it is primarily God himself who in his redemptive activity has “caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead” (1 Pet. 1:3). But this new birth does not take place in a vacuum. Rather it unfolds amidst earthly life, which is manifestly to some extent a vale of tears.

We sometimes wish to talk about “new birth” and redemption as if our suffering does not continue in this life.

The rest of the book addresses OT and NT interactions with suffering, the problem of evil and oppression and two chapters written by theologians about their own personal suffering. A good read if you realize you cannot ignore suffering or go back to some prior period of naiveté.

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July 2, 2010 · 11:17 am

Does porn use give a Christian grounds for divorce?


Brad Hambrick, a counselor in Georgia, has written an article exploring whether or not pornography use might provide grounds for divorce. It is a worthy read. His final answer is a qualified no but includes a lot of other helpful thoughts about the experience and what repentance ought to look like. Too often we get caught up in a yes/no focus to this question and miss significant issues. Seems there are several questions that need to be answered,

1. Is porn use a form of adultery given Jesus’ equating lust and adultery?

2. Does failure to repent or repetitive acts such porn use destroy the covenant so that it is impossible to live at peace with a spouse? In this case, the question is less about porn and more about refusal to honor a covenant. David Instone-Brewer writes about this from a NT perspective on the OT. I blogged about his thoughts some time ago and you can search “divorce” on this blog and find multiple entries.  Instead of divorce, we could insert repetitive gambling away family income, repetitive risky behaviors.

3. What would be evidence of repentance? Does any relapse equate to total failure? How many relapses equal refusal to repent?

Rather than just focus on the “big” question, it might be helpful to ask more immediate concerns. Does the porn user agree to utter transparency? Are they demanding something in return for their abstinence? Are they still trying to control their treatment?

For those who follow the link, I’d be curious your response. Read it from a user’s perspective and also of the victim spouse.

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June 30, 2010 · 11:06 am

Feeling at home based on geography


In 2006 I wrote these paragraphs after spending some time in New England:

Just spent a week in Connecticut and Massachusetts. I spent most of my growing up years in Vermont, have lived in Mass, NH, and Maine, where my parents live now. There’s something about NE that feels like home. The houses, the terrain, the temperature. It all gives the feel of home, even though I have only lived 2 years in NE in the last 20. Even the Red Flops 5 game loss to the Yankees at home made me feel like I had never left.

We spent 2 days with friends who live north of Boston. To me, this is quintessential NE. The water, the houses, the beauty all around.

I wonder if others have this experience too. I guess it’s a taste of Heaven, when we finally feel at rest and at home with the Lord.

Having just made a quick trip to Western Mass., I am again reminded by the “ahhh” feeling I get when there. I think it is a combination of topography, the typical greenery, the clapboard homes, and a host of fond memories. I can also tell you that though I like my job and my current friends, I do not get that feeling on the drive back to the Philadelphia area.

Does anyone else have this experience with a geographical location?

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June 29, 2010 · 11:01 am

Statistics and physiology: why getting it right matters


With recent advances in brain imaging and gene mapping we have significantly more data to help us understand human behavior. For example, we can see how folks with PTSD react to triggers using SPECT scans. We can understand how some folks have genetic markers that indicate a propensity for certain kinds of addictive behavior.

Enter this news story on NPR about one researcher who discovered he had the brain scan of a sociopathic killer–the very kind of people he was studying.

It is essential that we understand how to interpret these kinds of studies that often make the news. I am not an expert in brain scanning but let’s review a simple statistical principle. If you evaluate that 100% of people who have a particular problem (in this case sociopathic murder) have a particular brain scan signature, what can you say about its application to the general public? NOTHING. You cannot say, yet, that having that brain scan signature puts you at risk for becoming a murderer. What we need to know is whether or not that brain scan exists in the general public. I am willing to bet that if we did a large-scale study, we would find that 99% (maybe even higher) of those with a similar signature would NOT be killers. Thus, we cannot predict anything on the basis of the scan.

A similar (non) relationship exists between childhood abuse and becoming a child abuser. Yes, when we research pedophiles we find a high correlation between childhood sexual abuse and those who are in prison. But, when we look at the general public and victims of sexual abuse, we find that less than 1/2 of 1% go on to abuse others. Thus, abuse victims are not likely to become abusers.

However, these studies are not meaningless. In the case of the underactive frontal/orbital lobe, we do see certain features often present in individuals with ADHD: impulsivity, emotional lability, ego-centrism, lesser ability to learn from mistakes, difficulties in planning and forethought, etc. Rather than try to predict big events (like murder), we might use these kinds of studies to understand the common experiences and activity of those with a particular signature. This does not absolve people of responsibility or suggest they cannot make changes in how they operate. But, it might help us grow in understanding that what might be easy for one person may be more difficult for another. Just like we would want to give someone with dyslexia more time to read and comprehend a piece of literature, we might want to make some allowances for someone with a quiet frontal lobe.

It might mean that we understand that everyone thinks thoughts that ought not be repeated but that some have a harder time not saying it. And in the case of those “some”, we might be more willing to cut them slack even while we call them to account for saying what they say.

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June 28, 2010 · 8:11 pm

Graying marriages?


I had the opportunity to catch most of a radio show today on my local public radio station concerning “graying marriages.” The show was focusing on long-term marriages and why they stay together but even more on why more are breaking up after being together for a long time (think the Gores).

A couple of statements I found most interesting:

1. “Long-term marriages, those lasting 20, 30 or more years…” Wow. I’m in a long-term marriage as of August 18. Cool.

2. As a country, we are the most prolific marrying type…also the most likely to divorce…and most likely to remarry.

3. Our country tends to hold two conflicting values: romantic marriage and individualism. Because we keep asking ourselves if we are happy, we may be more likely to see if the grass is greener.

4. There is a rise in the number of long-term marriages that end in divorce. In these kinds of marriages, women are more likely to initiate it when in seemingly stable relationships. Men are more likely to initiate it when they feel there is a chance they can have someone else give them what they have felt they were missing.

5. Newness in marriage as well as flexibility seem to be two factors at play in successful marriages. In other words. trying new things and being willing to change roles over the years tends to keep couples out of staleness and thus avoid tempting thoughts that there might be something better out there. Ultimately, this means every long-term marriage really has 3 or more relationships in it due to role changes that take place.

One of the show’s segments included an interview with writer Rachel Simon. Rachel spoke of her 13 year relationship (cohabiting) with her now husband. But they broke up for 6 years before re-establishing their marriage (now 9 years old). She had several good things to say about learning what it means to love someone. She came to the realization that she ought not try to make him be like her. She had thought that romantic love mean having the same traits and interests.

All in all, an interesting show. Here’s the link.

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June 27, 2010 · 8:04 pm

Recognizing mentors


Just completed a quick trip to the Berkshires to celebrate the ministries of two of my college professors. Drs. Carl Ehle and Oral Collins of New England School of Theology/Berkshire Christian College/Berkshire Institute of Christian Studies taught both my parents and myself Old and New Testament. Both (along with their families) sacrificed much to teach us the bible.

I credit Dr. Ehle for giving me a love for learning, pushing me towards graduate studies at Westminster Seminary. I’m pretty sure he pulled strings to help me get to Israel just as Berkshire was closing down in 1986. He taught OT courses and Greek. He pushed us to learn but with a healthy dose of humor.

The evening festivities were long but a great reminder that many others feel the same way about these two men. They instilled a love for God and a ministry mindset in several generations. A bonus was hearing several stories about how Dr. Ehle and several others embraced a fellow student, Michael Haynes, in the 40s. There weren’t many Christian educational organizations that allowed African Americans in as students. Dr. Haynes went on to a distinguished career as senior pastor of 12 Baptist Church of Roxbury. He was there last night too and full of stories.

Rarely do we take the time to tell people about their impact on our lives. So, I challenge you to think about those who had a significant influence on your maturation process, on your development into the person you are today. Once you have a couple of names in your head, go find them and let them know.

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June 22, 2010 · 4:40 pm

Christian interventions in counseling


Regular readers of this blog will know that I believe that Christian counseling is not merely counseling done by Christians or merely the use of specific christian interventions. Rather, Christian counseling is founded on Christian/biblical ways of perceiving the world, the problems in it, and the goal of imaging Christ from start to finish.

However, it is good to think about the specific use of certain christian practices in counseling: meditation, prayer, bible reading and application, casting out demons, absolution, etc. How are we to think about these practices? Do they have a place in professional counseling? What are limits we ought to place on them? When should we refrain? How do we secure informed consent?

Elsewhere I have published on the guidelines we ought to consider when using Scripture in counseling. I will not repeat them here but for those who have not read that article, I do think Scripture is something that CAN be used in counseling–even OUGHT to at times. What is of more importance to me is HOW and WHEN and WHY.

Let me here consider the most commonly used practice: prayer. Here are some shaping values before we consider any practical application.

1. Prayer is talking and listening to God. It is not a technique and should not be treated as such. It is not magic. It is, from a Christian perspective, sharing one’s heart, praising, questioning, interacting with the Creator of the universe who remarkably wants to relate to me. At its heart prayer is submissive acknowledgment of God–even when praying like Job.

2. Prayer then needs to be a free act without trace of coercion. The one praying must not be coercive (you talk to God not at another person). The one being prayed for ought not feel obligated to say anything.

3. People have diverse (and not always happy) experiences regarding prayer, faith, relationship with God, etc. So, what is comforting to you may be triggering for another.

4. Prayer is intimate. Prayer often results in our setting aside defenses and becoming vulnerable and needy.

5. Prayer is power. Praying for someone gives the one praying a position of power.

So, how might a counselor consider these values and use prayer in counseling.

1. Assessment of client. What is my client’s faith tradition, experiences with prayer, history of abuse by leaders of the church, understanding of God? Have they ever felt coerced to pray, coerced by the prayers of others? Have they been publicly prayed against? Do they value prayer?

2. Assessment of self. Why am I praying for my clients (out loud)? What messages am I trying to communicate? What do my prayers reveal about my own faith?

3. Consent. Have I explained why I pray for my clients? Do they really have the right to say no?

4. Review. How are my prayers received? What impact, if any, do they have?

What does this look like for me? I don’t pray with every client. I don’t choose to start my sessions with prayer (at least the first one) until I have a better sense of my client’s experience with prayer. I work very hard not to use prayer as an effort to disarm (though I think it can do this) or to preach a message, but only to make supplication to God for healing, for care for the downtrodden. When I use imagery in prayer I make sure that it is grounded in common biblical images (God as shepherd, Christ as lamb, etc.). I never ask clients to pray but many of them choose to do so. And, I do let clients pray for me when they want to. It is part of how believers care for each other.

I do believe that prayer is extremely important but that I do not need to do it to be actively asking God for healing or guidance. I will say that when conflictual couples pray, they often find that it is hard to stay angry and embittered and pray. It can be helpful, either in reducing bitterness or by discussing bitterness and its impact.

It should not be used when clients do not want it, might be confused by it, or if it is not authentic to the counselor. It is considered good professional ethics to utilize resources from a client’s life. However, it would not be good to fake (e.g., my praying in a way that would please a member of a cult, an atheist praying as if he or she believed what she said, my talking to God even though I am no longer practicing as a Christian, etc.).

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June 18, 2010 · 10:04 am

Check out a counseling office designed just for kids


Check out this video of Julie Lowe showing off (in a good way!) her counseling office designed for counseling kids. Julie is at CCEF and an adjunct at Biblical Seminary. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and trained in play therapy. Here’s the link. [Link was broken, now fixed]

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June 17, 2010 · 5:41 am

Looking for summer education?


My school, Biblical Seminary, has a variety of summer classes, from on-site intensives to weekend only to totally on-line. Click the link if you are trying to figure out what enrichment you will pursue this summer. The page that pops up will list both classes and free events. Those of you looking for counseling CEUs may be able to get credit too!

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