The next generation will have less than us?


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I began the following post on March 1 of this year. I set it aside because I wasn’t so sure how to end it. But the recent squabbling about how to ensure the US will be able to pay its bills has me feeling pretty sure that the next generation is going to have a tough go at it.

I’m no economist. I stink at math. But, I’m pretty sure that my children’s generation is going to be worse off than my own. What makes me think this? Consider some facts

  • Our consumption oriented world cannot keep the economy afloat…debt is ballooning out of control
  • Educational costs are skyrocketing and do not necessarily bring greater income potential
  • We make few things in this country so jobs in industries are shrinking. At some point, don’t we need to do something other than service jobs?
  • Aging baby boomers (and those of us just a bit too young to be considered boomers) are going to need  a lot of help given that many live hand to mouth and with a ton of debt.
  • military cuts will mean fewer 18 year olds will be able to make a living in the service.

So, if my prediction is correct…what does it mean? I suspect it means families are going to continue to live together. I should probably expect my children to live with me a lot longer than I did with my parents (I went to college and never really moved back in except for 2 summer jobs). Families will need to pool their monies more. In some ways, this may not be all bad. Family members will grow in their sense of needing each other to accomplish daily life. This is how most of the rest of the world operates. Financial security, as much as I really do like it, may give us a false sense of independence that is neither healthy to our social or spiritual lives.

Okay, back to July 2011. Our lawmakers are playing chicken with the debt ceiling and hoping the other side will budge. No matter how this turns out, someone is going to get hurt. Probably our children’s generation.

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Heal thyself? Do we have the capacity?


Those who follow the Christian faith wholeheartedly believe that God is the “great physician” and eschew the belief that humans heal themselves. As a result of this belief, Christians sometimes react rather strongly to humanistic language of “self-healing.”

But before you do, consider this: if we assume that God is indeed the creator of all things, then we must also assume he puts into place the many corrective features found in the body. The liver and kidneys remove toxins from the body; blood clots when we cut ourselves; we sneeze to get rid of irritants; we sleep to rejuvenate what has become run down. In better words, Richard Mollica says,

This force, called self-healing, is one of the human organism’s natural responses to psychological illness and injury. The elaborate process of self-repair is clearly seen in the way physical wounds heal. At the moment of injury, blood vessels contract to staunch bleeding. Chemical messengers pour into the tissue, signalling a multitude of specialized cells to begin the inflammation process. White blood cells migrate into the wound within twenty-four hours, killing bacteria and triggering a process of cleansing and tissue repair. A matrix of connective tissue collagen is then laid down, knitting together the ragged edges of the wound in a repair that may not be perfect but is highly functional. (p. 94)

He goes on to say,

The healing of the emotional wounds inflicted on mind and spirit by severe violence is also a natural process.

I find his writing on this subject rather helpful. Sometimes we look passively to God to resolve our traumas, as if it were entirely up to Him. Other times we either resist what we can do or attempt what is not healthy for us. Dr. Mollica (an MD) provides many examples in his book of how the body naturally tries to heal/respond to trauma (e.g., DHEA counteracts toxicity of too much cortisol), where the system goes wrong, and what we can do about it from a therapeutic standpoint.

Dr. Mollica is right in that our bodies are designed to respond well to traumatic experiences. However, I’m pretty sure he also agrees that we are not designed to do this unassisted. The community must participate in the process. We are social beings and thus our healing must be socially situated.

Two Toxins: Emotional Memory and Poor Storytelling

Part of the problem, says Dr. Mollica, is the emotional memory system. When we experience a trauma, our cortex forms declarative memories of the event. These are where we store the “facts” (where we were, what we felt, and how these events connect to previous experiences). But there is another memory system, one he calls “emotional memory” (p. 96). Declarative memory involves the cortex and hippocampus while emotional memory involves the amygdala.

The amygdala is the fear-response command center of the brain, and it does not wait around for the conscious mind, located in the cortex, to decide if a threat is real or not. The amygdala can activate an emergency response throughout the body within milliseconds by calling the stress-response system into play.  (p. 96)

Unfortunately, traumatic events can create emotional memories in the amygdala that keep on replaying and are difficult to extinguish over time. (p. 97)

Another toxin is the re-telling of the trauma story in a way that retraumatizes the victim. Dr. Mollica, in chapter 5, describes the problem of poor storytelling. Poor storytelling evokes only the trauma, the shame, the degradation experienced. Storytelling should cause us to form images in the teller and listener’s minds. These images need to symbolize the whole person/story and not only the most damaging details. The problem is we tend to tell stories that fixate on the intense emotions and thus elicit toxic emotions and maintain the experience that the trauma is still ongoing.

Many traumatized persons are plagued by the two poles of humiliation–sadness and despair on one side, and anger and revenge on the other. (p. 122)

Assisted Self-healing?

Mollica says, “A proper clinical approach to emotional memory avoids triggering the emotions stored in the amygdala and enables the cortex to assert conscious control over the recollection of traumatic events. (p. 97)

How do you do this? With the help of a storytelling coach, a person tells their story in a factual, direct, but not grotesque way that would cause the listener to turn away. Why does this matter? Because part of the healing process is to be heard, seen, and empathized with. Fixating on the most grotesque details only enhances the emotional memory system and pushes others away. Good storytelling still tells the truth but does so in a way that reconnects people with the world, enables them to feel sadness but in community with others, and helps them see that their lives are not solely defined by the traumatic events. Further, good storytelling points to larger values that are still held and not lost due to the evil done by others. Surely trauma does shape and change us. Recovery and healing to the point of living as if the event did not happen would be to live in a world of denial and self-deception. But good storytelling reminds us that we are not ONLY defined by and/or limited to being victims. And good storytelling reminds us of God’s sustaining power that is greater than those who can only destroy bodies.

Dr. Mollica summarizes this chapter this way,

Strong emotions comprise the traumatic memories that are imprinted in the survivor’s brain. One of the mind’s key tasks after trauma is to take these strong emotions and gradually reduce them over time through good storytelling. A poor storyteller tells a toxic trauma story, unhealthy to mind and body with its focus on facts and high expressed emotions. In our society situations that demonstrate this type of storytelling are common, including superficial, sensational media reporting of tragedies and debriefing therapy by misguided mental health workers. In contrast a good storyteller is able to express tragic emotions with the artfulness of a musician playing an instrument, engaging the listener’s interest and involvement. (p. 133)

I commend to you the book. He discusses both good and bad dreams, the role of “social instruments” of healing and a call to health. Very helpful book if you are interested in international trauma recovery.

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Filed under Abuse, counseling science, counseling skills, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychology, ptsd, Uncategorized

Book for pastors at risk


Over the last couple of years I have gotten to know Dr. Charles Wickman. He is the founder of Pastor-in-Residence, a ministry to exited and at-risk pastors. He has a huge desire to see pastors flourish in their called locations. Currently, Rev. Ed Lochmoeller is PIR’s national director. This is a wonderful ministry for pastors who may have been forced out of their churches or are about to leave. The ministry places these pastor families in churches where they are “in residence” and being cared for while regaining their ministry footing.

What are the two main reasons for being “at risk” of being forced out? Vision conflict with leadership and burnout.

I tell you all this because Dr. Wickman has just published Pastors At Risk: Protecting Your Future, Guarding Your Present (Peoria, AZ: Intermedia Publishing Group, 2011).

This is a perfect, simple book. It is a simple read for those who are confused. And most pastors I know who meet the definition of being burned out are easily confused by complex details. They get bogged down into rights/wrongs, second-guessing their calling, angry, depressed, embittered. Dr. Wickman puts the issues on the table and then gives some good directions for both the pastor and spouse. I think most will find this small book clear and to the point on the main issues. Interspersed among the chapters are small vignettes of pastors and pastor’s spouses in their own words.

If you are a pastor, it is worth the 13 dollars for a read and hopefully some new directions for preventing a crash and burn. If you are an elder or deacon, I recommend you read it as you can learn much about the special pressures of pastoring. Don’t assume that somehow you or your church is different. That would be like knowing there is an epidemic of the flu and thinking that your constitution is somehow stronger than the rest thus negating your need for a flu shot.

Get the book. Read the book. Take the survey (p. 135). Talk to someone about the results. Make a plan for prevention.

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Filed under Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, pastoral renewal, pastors and pastoring

The real damage done in abuse?


I’ve written before on the damage done when a community fails to respond to abuse in a justice oriented way. But here is a more succinct and apt quote by Miroslav Volf:

If no one remembers a misdeed or names it publically, it remains invisible. To the observer, its victim is not a victim and its perpetrator is not a perpetrator; both are misperceived because the suffering of the one and the violence of the other go unseen. A double injustice occurs—the first when the original deed is done and the second when it disappears. (italics mine)

Abuse victims sometimes tell us that the most significant damage to them is when community members (family, leaders, peers) fail to “see” or act justly when they hear of the abuse. It was bad enough to be sexually abused (yes, that is real damage too) but far worse to be told it didn’t happen or be told to take it for the sake of the larger community (e.g., you wouldn’t want to harm his reputation, destroy the family, cause others to fall away from Christ, etc.).

I saw this quote in the first pages of The Long Journey Home: Understanding and Ministering to the Sexually Abused, to be released soon by Resource Publications, an imprint of Wipf & Stock. I have the typeset PDF and the editor, Andrew Schmutzer, says the book will be released in August. This book (over 500 pages!) may become the place to turn for Christians seeking to understand the scourge of sexual abuse in all its ugly forms. Chapters are written by those who are expert in the social sciences, theology, and pastoral care. The line up is phenomenal. You can see the title page/table of contents (TOC Long Journey Home) to see the gamut of chapters and authors.

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Filed under Abuse, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, counseling, counseling science, pastors and pastoring, Psychology, ptsd, Uncategorized

What does a counselor’s office tell you?


What does the decor of your counselor’s office tell you about the person? Or, if you are the counselor, what does your office tell your clients about you?

In the July issue of the Journal of Counseling Psychology (58:3, 2011, 310-320), Jack Nasar and Ann Sloan Devlin published, “Impressions of Psychotherapists’ Offices.” In their study (showing pictures of counseling offices) they found a couple of interesting facts:

“Studies 1 and 2 found similar patterns of response in relation to ratings that assessed feelings about the office and the therapist. As perceptions of softness/personalization and order increased, so did expectations about quality of care, comfort, boldness, and qualifications of the therapist. Perceived friendliness increased with increases in softness/personalization.” (p. 314)

This finding isn’t related to gender, age, or prior experience with counseling.

What should counselors avoid? Chaotic, cramped, messy, hard impersonal offices. Put your papers away. The lack of organization and the lack of personalized touches and softer seating may make your clients feel less safe and therefore experience less therapeutic gains.

So, what does your office say to your clients? I recall an office I had in community mental health (shared by several other counselors on a sign-up basis) was sparse, cold, and completely lacking any personalization, art, etc. No wonder many clients preferred talking to us on the street over the office.

My current office contains a love seat, a couple of other chairs, books in a bookcase, a warm wooden desk (that is usually neat in contrast to my academic office), one nice piece of artwork and another that is ugly, some beanie babies, and a blanket. While this office was set up by someone else, I think I’m going to change one bookcase that is in the eyesight of clients. It is a bit messy with various papers, books, and other junk.

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Whose shame do you carry?


Diane Langberg and I talked recently about the concept of shame. She mentioned reading an interesting mystery that had a couple of lines about shame that might be powerful imagery for some. The novel, C.J. Sansom’s Sovereign, is about a hunchbacked lawyer. About 200 pages in the lawyer has an encounter with King Henry the 8th. The King scorns the lawyer publicly for his hunch (at which everyone laughed).

His first reaction?

“Now I had met him. I felt for a second that he shown me what I was, an unworthy creature, a beetle crawling on the earth.” (p. 221)

Then anger arises in the lawyer. Why? for he recognizes the weight on him is not his own shame, but that of the king.

Whose shame do you carry? Most often we carry either the clear shame of our own misdeeds OR the shame foisted on us by the misdeeds of others. And it seems that the shame put upon us by abuse and maltreatment weighs us down the most. Often those who mistreat us do so in ways to make us believe that in fact we are worthy of shame or that they are righteous in their treatment of us.

What would happen if you saw it not as your own but thrust upon you by those who mistreated you? If you could hand it back (metaphorically), would your own back straighten? Would you feel less dirty and self-negating? If you suffer from shame due to mistreatment, try to imagine that the feelings are not yours but in fact the abusers.  Imagine what life might be like if you were to shed that shame that does not belong to you.

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Filed under Abuse, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, counseling, Meditations, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Book Note: “Why the Church Needs Bioethics”


Just received a copy of Why the Church Needs Bioethics: A Guide to Wise Engagement with Life’s Challenges (Edited by John F. Kilner; published 2011, Zondervan). Using 3 case studies, a wide variety of authors discuss “better birth” (fertility), “better life”, and “better death.”

Authors include Richard Averbeck (OT and Counseling), Kevin Vanhoozer (theology), DA Carson (NT), and Stephen Greggo and Miriam Stark Parent (Counseling). In addition, there are business, law, medical, education, pastoral care, bioethics, and intercultural ministry authors.

I got a little chance to play a part in this book as a “critiquer” (p. 9) Stephen Greggo authors chapter 3, “Wisdom from Counseling” as a counseling response to the case study of Betty and Tom, a couple who are considering using Betty’s sister’s eggs and Tom’s sperm and to implant embryos into Betty. I got a chance to read and react to this chapter some time ago all because of a little article my wife and I wrote in 2002 and published in 2005.

On page 71, Greggo and Parent say,

A recent search of the leading peer-reviewed journals that inform Christian MHPs [mental health providers] and pastoral counselors yielded only a single article to guide a Christian counselor who might be dialoging with  Betty and Tom.

Their footnotes reveal that they searched The Journal of Biblical Counseling, The Journal of Psychology and Christianity and the Journal of Psychology and Theology between the years 2000 and 2009.

I find it surprising that there are no other articles than ours (full text here) and gratifying to see our essay summarized in this volume. While there are a number of good full length books, there is a serious need for good Christian counseling articles dealing with infertility and assisted reproductive technology (ART) because this is where many counselors start their study on a given topic.

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CS Lewis on “headship”


Last week my prayer partner John read me a bit from CS Lewis’ “The Business of Heaven“, a daily reader. This little vignette covers the controversial topic of headship. Christians have frequently gotten up in arms over the meaning of headship and submission in the marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:21-33). We can boil most of these arguments down to matters of power. Who gets to be in charge? What is mutual submission? Are you loving right? Submitting right? How often should the decider (thank you George Bush and Saturday Night Live for this wonderful noun) be putting his/her foot down?

Wherever you fall on this discussion of the meaning of the Ephesians 5 passage, the following from Lewis is quite apt:

We must go back to our Bibles. The husband is the head of the wife just in so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church. He is to love her as Christ loved the church–read on–and gave his life for her (Ephesians 5:25). This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is–in her own mere nature–least lovable. For the Church has no beauty but what the Bridegroom gives her; he does not find, but makes her lovely. The chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man’s marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the faults of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence. As Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth that Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed no other) never despairs… (p. 169-170)

There is a lot of substance in the above quote. You might do well to read it again, slowly. I gather a couple of crucial points.

  • You want to see Christlikeness in a husband? Much easier to see it in a difficult relationship than in an easy one. It is easy to love the most lovable.
  • Headship is not about being the decider so much as it is about being the first to sacrifice his desires for hers.
  • Sacrificial living is not acquiescing to another’s desires. That is a weak way of relating to others. A thoughtful person may well say “no” to another’s wishes when humbly considering that the request is not good or healthy or is unjust. And yet, many of our denials of other’s wishes are less about right and wrong and much more about personal freedom and control. There is great power in choosing to set aside personal desire for the sake of another.
  • The same can be said for women who are trying to figure out how to “submit” to “unworthy” husbands. However, this biblical passage has much more to say about the sacrificial, others-focused husband.

Lewis goes on to say that he does not mean to baptize difficult or miserable marriage. There is no extra value to martyrdom. He only wishes to remind us that it is easy to point out the flaws of another in such a way that makes our self-serving choices legitimate. Even when we must refuse a loved one or confront them about their flaws, it should be done for their sake, and not our own.

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Filed under biblical counseling, Biblical Reflection, christian counseling, counseling, marriage, Relationships

NYC reflections


Central Park - New York

Image by budgetplaces.com via Flickr

Having spent less than 24 hours in Manhattan (more specifically just Southwest of Central Park), I feel qualified to make some observations about the Big Apple (wink). In no particular order

  • Residents there must make tons of money because,
    • they are wearing some obviously stylish get-ups
    • everything costs a gazillion dollars plus tax
  • Female residents must have genetically modified feet because they have to walk forever on stiletto heels
  • Central Park is quite a happening place on a Saturday afternoon. One might run into sunbathers, bocci ball players, a man wheeling a bass, a minstrel show, and a napper under every tree
  • Residents must not have much fear of heights as I saw individuals leaning on balcony railings some 30 floors up
  • Vendors work VERY hard
  • Pigeons are afraid of nothing
  • The lights are well-timed so you can travel pretty quickly (on a Saturday in the Summer) up and down the Island
  • It is a good place to visit, not so good to live!

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Must read on preventing child abuse in christian environments


Churches should have the most effective policies in place to prevent child maltreatment. Sure, those policies aren’t fool-proof. If someone wants to abuse, they can. However, effective policies make it harder for it to happen and more likely that the response of the church to abuse results in part of the victim’s healing as opposed to further abuse.

If you are interested in reading more about what policies would be most effective…follow this link. It is written by Victor Vieth, fellow board member at GRACE and Director of the National Child Protection Training Center. This is a must read (pdf).

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