Painful words in the church: What’s the difference between a prophet and a slanderer


For those who might not know it, Mark Driscoll wrote a blog post regarding Ted Haggard’s admission of sexual immorality. The post contains some comments regarding protecting pastors from such problems. While several of the points are useful, one point in particular offended many:

Most pastors I know do not have satisfying, free, sexual conversations and liberties with their wives. At the risk of being even more widely despised than I currently am, I will lean over the plate and take one for the team on this. It is not uncommon to meet pastors’ wives who really let themselves go; they sometimes feel that because their husband is a pastor, he is therefore trapped into fidelity, which gives them cause for laziness. A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband in the ways that the Song of Songs is so frank about is not responsible for her husband’s sin, but she may not be helping him either.

Scot McKnight at http://www.jesuscreed.org/?p=1697 blogged on the topic and pointed to a Seattle pastor’s open letter to Driscoll, calling on Driscoll to offer an apology. Several responders to McKnight’s blog then took Scot to task for being easy on Brian McLaren’s “provocateur” style of writing/talking but being hard on Driscoll’s offensive remarks to women, especially pastor’s wives. These issues have made me think about a deeper issue: What is the difference between someone willing to speak up about difficult issues with a prophetic and provocative voice and a person who uses reckless words to slander individuals he or she does not respect or value?

Does Driscoll speak provocatively about the lack of frank sexual discussions among pastors and spouses? Or does he link a pastor’s indiscretions to his wife’s behavior even though he states that is not his reason? (Is it possible that pastors’ wives “let themselves go” because they are neglected and at the bottom of their husband’s ministry lists?) I Realize that every prophet may give in to the temptation to slander and every slanderer may speak prophetically. So the distinctions I try to make between the two cannot be categorical.

1. A prophet names things and people (especially opponents) in a way that they would agree or approve. A slanderer uses names to disparage and to smear opponents, even those who might barely be related to the issues at hand. (Scot McKnight, in a recent presentation at Westminster Seminary, offers some good advice in this area when talking about emerging/missional church authors and their critics. When you describe your opponents, you ought to do so in a way that the opponents says, “that’s me.”).  A prophet does not stoop to build straw men.  
2. A prophet highlights viewpoints in order to point out their possible logical conclusions while a slanderer takes another’s position to an extreme and paints the person as intending the outcome or so foolish not to see the result.
3. While pointing out possible outcomes, a prophet is still able to describe these outcomes with complexity and shading while the slanderer merely paints everything in black and white.
4. A prophet points to a better way, creative solutions, risky but realistic options while a slanderer wastes no effort trying to provide solutions, but is satisfied with producing only criticisms and tired stereotypes.  

When I look at this list, I realize that I have slandered those less theologically astute, the biblically naive, and the psychologically narrow-minded. God has gifted me with some level of critical thinking. How will I use it to give Him the glory?

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Science Monday: Do women have more power to get their men to come to counseling?


The nightmare of every beginning counselor: your new client doesn’t show up for the second session. The first session seemed to go just fine. But the client fails to show and doesn’t call or return calls to reschedule. What happened, the counselor wonders. Was it me? There are a number of interesting attempts to find out why people stop counseling before they really get going. There is good evidence that premature termination happens because of bad connections between client and counselor. Younger counselors have more premature endings. It may be more the result of the counselor meeting the client’s preconceived expectations as much as the greenness of the counselor. Lack of adequate explanation of the counseling process also plays into early endings. But, three Marriage and Family students did a study (unpublished) of how gender of the person making the first contact impacts the longevity of a couples’ counseling relationship with their counselor. Before I mention their findings, a couple of caveats first. This study is of clients of a university counseling center. The counselors are grad students and not professionals. clients in this setting usually are short-term. The sample size was pretty small. Despite these issues that limit generalization, here’s a couple things they found:
1. When males initiated first contact with the counseling center, the couple NEVER went beyond 4 sessions. In fact, they averaged 1.2 sessions before quitting.
2. When females initiated first contact, they averaged nearly 8 sessions before ending (and some continued for 45 sessions).

Are women more invested in keeping the relationship going? Are men less so? Do women have more power in getting their spouse to come/continue in counseling than men? Though I haven’t done any research on this, I suspect my female clients stay longer in therapy than do my male clients, though this is not always true. I have seen that when men want their wives to go to counseling, the women resist more than the opposite situation. Women seem more effective in getting their husbands to come than the men are. Is that because women hold a secret weapon?

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Hike off the Turkey


About to hike to the top of Dennis Hill in CT. Not a big hike but  one with friends and food. At the top is the shell of an old house now turned into a pavilion with fire places. Our friends go every year and this year we get to join them. The view should be great. Mass, VT, NY and maybe even NH will be visible.

Pavillion at Dennis Hill State Park

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Happy Thanksgiving


Once again, we’re on the road to Connecticut to my wife’s family thanksgiving celebration. We’ve missed it only once since 1990. Sometimes I wish we could have our own dinner and not travel, but mostly I’m glad we still have family to see. This one is going to be a bit different since my mother-in-law just broke her wrist last night and will be having surgery Friday. Alas, no getting up early to shop this year. Please pray that she would be comforted and strengthened for the surgery. She’s 75 (I think) and prone to much anxiety.

Despite her situation, I am still looking forward to cranberry sauce (not the jelly kind either) and pumpkin pie. Mmmm.

Thank you Lord for another year of overflowing blessings.

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Painful words in the church: What are we to do with our stories of pain and mistreatment by other Christians?


Its no revelation that Christians hurt each other in some very serious ways. While I believe that more people have been loved by Christians than hurt, the painful reality is that we can do so much damage. Hence we have books such as Dwight Carlson’s, Why do Christians shoot their wounded. Here’s what often happens. We tell the stories to others. There is something good and something bad about our telling of our stories. But before I discuss the good and the bad, let me tell two quick stories (which I will later critique). Continue reading

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You hurt me! How do you respond to hurtful words?


A couple of recent incidents have me thinking about how we handle our hurts, especially within the church. Yesterday, the news media carried the story of Michael Richard’s (Kramer from Seinfeld) racist verbal attack of two African American hecklers during his standup routine. Here’s the storyin case you missed it. After getting riled up by their comments, he used profane words and then delivered the N word as a final blow. He has since apologized and said he’s not a racist. Let’s assume he isn’t (and we probably shouldn’t since words come from the heart and not thin air). What would make him say these things? What makes us say the most hurtful words that we really don’t mean? The desire to hurt as much as we feel hurt. We go for the jugular. We go for the word that will do the most damage possible. In a fight have you said or had said to you, “I never loved you!” or “I hate you” or “I’m going to kill myself and then you’ll see how it is.” Well, maybe you’ve never said these things but you might have thought them.

It seems that when we are hurt we reserve the right to take the gloves off and wound in return. I’m going to write more tomorrow on when a christian leader makes offensive statements or when we talk about the various opinions of Christian leaders (that we disagree with). It seems in these cases we feel free to tell the stories of related hurts. I actually think this is a good thing. And yet we may use these stories to villify and slander in order to hurt back. In preparation for tomorrow’s post you might like to read these two posts and comments, (here) and (here), on Scot McKnight’s blog, www.jesuscreed.org. The first discusses some of the feelings about Brian McLaren, one of the public faces of the church emerging. The second is about some offensive comments made by Mark Driscoll. There is a third day where Driscoll’s explanation/apology is discussed as well. Read it here. Read the responses to the post and the dialogue among the responders. What themes do you see? What attitudes, what reactions?

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Science Monday: Does everyone respond to grief and trauma the same way?


**Warning: this post is about trauma and trauma responses. Given the number of folks who have had traumatic experiences, it stands to reason that some readers may find the post below troubling (nothing graphic though!) because they struggle with the aftereffects of trauma in their lives. If you do read, make sure to read to the bold print at the bottom. I write to highlight to counselors that we still do not fully understand why some seem to be resilient and others struggle after a trauma.** 

There is an assumption in the counseling world that everyone who faces tremendous loss or trauma will experience serious side effects. They will need to “work through” their grief or trauma. Those who show absent grief are just in denial or avoiding reality or they had superficial attachments. Absent grief means that the person will surface these problems later in a delayed fashion. Finally, counselors tend to believe that everyone who experiences grief or trauma could benefit from professional help and active coping mechanism.

Enter George Bonanno of Columbia University. He’s researched and written extensively on the topics. I highlight his 2004 American Psychologist article where he makes these three points in his critique of the above beliefs, which he finds little to no support for. He makes these three points in the article:
1. Resilience is different from recovery. Some people are resilient in the face of distressing events. It doesn’t mean they don’t feel sadness or have other evidences of grief, but they do not lose their equilibrium for long periods of time. Some people do suffering chronic grieving and instability that takes time to recover from (e.g., 1-2 years). Some research suggests offering debriefing of trauma experiences or “working through” grief can be harmful to the resilient population. Those struggling will benefit from counseling help (those showing prior trauma, low social support, and/or hyperarousal). Therefore, we need to do a better job screening for risk factors rather than forcing everyone into debriefing work.
2. Resiliences is common. Some believe that those not showing prolonged distress from a death of a close loved one are experiencing a pathology called “absent grief.” One study showed 65% of therapists believe the above assumption. Unfortunately, there is not only no data to support this but real data to support the opposite. Some people are quite resilient. About 10-15% show chronic depression and distress after a loss. About 50% of participants in another study showed only low levels of depression and grief through 18 months after their loss and not problems 5 years later. The same is true with trauma responses. Some 80% exposed to serious trauma do not evidence PTSD. A very small percentage of that group may show delayed trauma symptoms but the vast majority cope well without therapy.
3. There are multiple pathways to resilience. So, what promotes resilience? We know that prior trauma, poor social support and family violence increase the likelihood of chronic symptoms from a future traumatic event. Bonanno says the research points to

a. Hardiness (defined as having a commitment to finding meaningful purpose in life, belief that one can influence outcome of events, and that belief that one can grow from positive and negative events). Makes sense. Also makes sense that victims of repeated child sexual abuse experience more trauma symptoms as the second and third parts to hardiness do not get formed. They do not have the power, in their experiences, that they can influence the outcome of events.
b. Self-enhancement. Those who have more narcissistic tendencies may experience less trauma. Does denial protect us from some trauma symptoms? Put a better way, those who have positive biases in favor of themself (high self-esteem) may be able to maintain confidence that they will survive and be successful. Of course, it may come at a cost of losing one’s friends as self-centered folks can be quite full of themselves. I wonder how one’s confidence in God’s sovereignty and goodness would help here. I suspect it would. Maybe its less about self-esteem and more about confidence in God’s economy of love.
c. Repressive coping. Sounds bad…but some people seem to be able to avoid unpleasant thoughts, memories and emotions. This group may experience more physical symptoms and autonomic arousal. I question whether this is truly a sign of good coping. Further, repression, as defined here is not the inability to recall bad events but a cognitive capacity to avoid thinking about something. We still don’t know why some people are able to not think about something but others ruminate against their will.
d. Positive Emotion and laughter. Those that express more gratitude, interest, and love seem to be more resilient than those who cannot smile and laugh when speaking about some of their life during the traumatic events.

While Bonanno has helped us to see that those who exhibit resilience in the face of grief and trauma are less rare than we thought, we still do not have great details on the personal, genetic, and environmental factors that help individuals respond well to difficult events. It would be easy for those who do struggle to become even more self-condemning after reading this. I warn against this as healthy trauma response is not merely a matter of the will. In fact, I have met many victims of trauma that have suffered many symptoms. In my estimation, they still show a great capacity to survive despite the evil perpetrated against them. For therapists, it’s helpful to remember not to force everyone into the same treatment mode or to suggest that those who seem to be doing well faster than what we might expect are somehow dysfunctional.    

Bonanno, G.A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59:1, 20-28.

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What traps the Christian worker?


Ponder these words from Oswald Chambers. If you want the full text, click here. Worldliness is not the trap that most endangers us as Christian workers; nor is it sin. The trap we fall into is extravagantly desiring spiritual success; that is, success measured by, and patterned after, the form set by this religious age in which we now live. Never seek after anything other than the approval of God….Jesus told the disciples not to rejoice in successful service, and yet this seems to be the one thing in which most of us do rejoice… Unless the worker lives a life that “is hiden with Christ in God”, he is apt to become an irritating dictator to others, instead of an anctive, living disciple. Many of us are dictators, dictating our desires to individuals and to groups.

Chambers is right. We tend to desire spiritual success (either the physical evidence of it or the feeling of it). What we ought to desire is the daily opportunity to submit ourselves to his will.

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How many exhaust pipes does your car have?


Recently, I was away for the day and driving home around dinner time. The traffic was bad and I was trying not to allow a foul mood to overtake me. I called home to tell Kim when I was going to arrive. I could tell she was tired so I asked to talk to my 6 year old, Jared. Jared loves cars. he obsesses over them actually, especially their exhaust systems. He has learned that expensive cars have more than one exhaust pipe (unlike ours); “gas impressers” he used to call them for some reason. He can identify the make/model of cars from quite a distance, “That’s a VW Jetta, it has 2 tail pipes…that’s a Mercedes Benz, it has only one exhaust in the center…” I can tell you that some times I find it very annoying but this time I didn’t. I narrated the cars that were passing me and the number of tail pipes each one had. From our kitchen he then told me a little something about each car.

A silly pointless conversation? No, a bonding time and protection from becoming angry about the wasted time in traffic. I’m thankful for hands-free phones and my son’s willingness to share his love for cars with me.

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“Pay-to-Play” isn’t a crime?


Anybody remotely aware of Philadelphia politics knows that the John Street administration and friends have been hammered by the feds investigating their pay-to- play style of doing business with city officials: “you line my pockets and I’ll make sure you get the contract to do work.” It’s not a new phenomena in politics. Just ask the former mayor of Providence (who I believe has done jail time for similar antics.

Well, the Red Sox just won the right to talk to a Japanese baseball team about purchasing one of their great pitchers. How did they win the right? They will pay over 51 MILLION dollars just to negotiate a deal (some suggest it will be another 12 mill per year to actually pay him to be on the team). Now if that isn’t the biggest pay-to-play crime, I don’t know what is.

What happens if this player turns out to be a bust? Blows his arm out next year?

Disgusting. But, I’m sure you’ll find me “forgetting” this come next October when they are in the postseason…

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