November 28, 2007 · 4:57 pm

Watching student videos


Am grading student videos of their first counseling experience in their very first class. Here are two reflections

1. I’m amazed at the depth of problems their counselees choose to bring up right away. These are people who know they are being videotaped for a class project and though only the grader and the student watch it, it is still taped. And yet, they tell about very personal matters. I’m blessed to be able to hear their life struggle and the student is blessed to hear it as well. I can’t say that I would talk about such deep matters if I were asked to be a counselee for a beginning student.

2. First year counselors do pretty well when it comes to gently attending to their clients and exuding kindness, empathy, and compassion. What is harder is for them to identify and discuss subtle and/or painful emotions expressed by the client. Instead they go for more data from the client. Get more history, more details and maybe it will be better. I think we do this when we listen to our friends. We provide pithy advice, we want to know more details, or worse–we talk about ourselves. My students know not to talk about themselves but yet they struggle to identify and repeat painful emotions.

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November 27, 2007 · 11:27 am

Haggai writes for today


Have you spent much time in this short book? You can find it just before the end of the Old Testament, right after Zephaniah and just before Zechariah. Blink, and you miss this 38 verse book altogether.

My friend Doug preached on chapter 2 this past Sunday. Here are some of the key points of this chapter:

1. Nostalgia for the “good ole glory days” is nothing new but still misses the One who is glorious. Instead of bemoaning the shrinking American church, let’s remember  that God’s glory and power will make his church more glorious than we could ever imagine. God says don’t be sad over the poorness of human efforts but remember that God owns everything and there will come a day when His glory bring peace and power.

2. How quickly we forget what God calls us to and begin to work for our own goals. We should not be surprised when our efforts are fruitless. In Haggai the people are building their own paneled houses (chapter 1) have heard from God but have also quickly lost focus. Isn’t this true of us today. We hear from the Lord, catch his vision, start his work, but then become sidetracked by all sorts of distractions. Such is our life today too.

3. But God in his mercy continues to bless us beyond measure because of his own faithfulness to his own children. Despite our nothingness, he makes us a signet ring: evidence to us and others of the pledge God has made to us and will bring about. Why? Was it because we were special? No. Because he loved us. Do we sit idly by until he carries out his promise? No. We recommit ourselves over and over to build on the foundation he has already built.

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November 26, 2007 · 4:33 pm

New banner wanted


I’m tired a my current banner pic and am seeking a new one. I thought of making a collage of my worlds (wife, kids, school, outdoors, books, etc.) but that is beyond my talents. So, I’m seeking something (not copyrighted or something I can have permission to use) that would be a bit more fitting than my current banner picture.

Any ideas.  

FYI, that picture is a shot from the house we lived in Southern Nova Scotia.

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November 26, 2007 · 11:02 am

Sinner fantasies about righteousness


Ever entertain fantasies of moral uprightness in the face of evil?

I suspect we do so because we are trying to quell our own feelings of guilt…

On our trip to CT this week we listened to The Hundred Dresses, by Eleanor Estes. In the story many children make fun of a Polish immigrant child with a funny last name and only one faded blue dress. In a rare interchange with her peers she tells them that she has 100 dresses at home. Many of the girls made fun of her by asking her all about these dresses. One girl didn’t join in with the teasing but did idolize one who did. Later in the story, something happens to make this girl realize her silent participation was tantamount to teasing. But, the Polish girl disappears before she can apologize.

How does this chagrined girl respond? She fantasizes about her standing up to her teasing peers with a display of righteous indignation. She would be the hero to protect this poor defenseless child. She imagines herself lecturing the class and calling them to stop their mean-spirited behavior.

Funny how we work to appease our own guilt. We replay past incidents to get them to come out right–to turn our misdeeds into acts of righteousness.

I wonder if this behavior helps us do the right thing the next time. I doubt it…

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November 21, 2007 · 1:35 pm

Body image, eating disorders, and Thanksgiving


Just before most Americans binge tomorrow I want to post a couple of thoughts about the crazy, insane American way of dealing with food. We all should be thin with perfectly proportioned bodies and yet we want to indulge in our supersize me world. What do we end up with? Overweight adults and children who hate themselves for not being like the people they see on TV.

Consider a few statistics presented in a recent staff meeting. 9% of 9 year olds have used oral laxatives to lose weight. 40% of 9-10 year olds describe themselves as fat. 50% of middle school girls are on a diet (or have been recently) and also report feeling better about themselves because of it.

Want to do something about this crazy culture?

1. Eat healthy and enjoy food without making comments that others here (comments about weight, fat, who is eating too much or too little). Remember, God made food for your enjoyment.
2. Choose appropriate portions. Don’t skimp to send a message or to be prideful. Don’t overindulge just because you can and sit in judgment because you don’t like your shape.
3. Separate your value from your shape and looks.
4. If you have kids, show them (and discuss) some of the movies on this website by Dove which shows how much the beauty industry modifies photos to glamourize looks that are impossible even for the models: http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/inside_campaign.asp
5. Remember to be thankful for God’s good gifts to you this year.

See you in a few days.

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November 20, 2007 · 1:38 pm

Ask your pastor this question: Who disciples you?


Recently I’ve taken to asking my pastor clients this question: Who disciples you?

Typical responses? “Hmmm. I’ll have to think about that…don’t know…nobody, I guess…does —– count (nationally-known preacher they listen to or read on a regular basis)” I used to ask, “Where do you feed spiritually?” However, the discipleship question moves beyond that of being fed to being discipled and mentored.

Our shepherds are also sheep like us. They need discipleship and mentoring. One wonders if ministeriums could be resuscitated to provide true discipleship.

I’m writing a piece about pastors and their need for care. One study found that while a goodly number of pastors would be open to getting counseling, most do not think their stresses and needs reach a level where counseling is needed (It could be useful but I don’t think my problems are that big). Another study found that most pastors do not have close relationships with others outside their spouse.

If this is true, then most of our pastors are without any discipleship. Is it any wonder then that problems like pornography and other misconduct are frequent among pastors?

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November 19, 2007 · 1:13 pm

The revolving door of anxiety


This weekend my wife gave me an illustration for anxiety and worry. She had been worrying about one of our children. She said that this worry is like being stuck in a revolving door. She kept going around and around and couldn’t stop the thought pattern.

Later, she said that I had said something that was like sticking my foot in the door so it would stop spinning and let her out. That’s nice because she’s probably used to me just spinning the door a little faster.

Do you ever get stuck in the revolving door of anxiety or depression? Who gets you out?   

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November 16, 2007 · 9:50 am

Do you live in the 90 or the 10?


No, I’m not talking about the decade of the 90s. I’m talking about that habit we have of living as if the 10% of life that irritates us is really 100% of our life. This week I was doing a live counseling demonstration with another teacher in front of Biblical students. She was struggling with some negative comments made by others. Even though she is confident in her opinion about what is right, a few negative comments about her position have thrown her for a loop.

Haven’t we all been there? I can get 24 fabulous reviews of my class and only one negative. But what do I think about for the next two days? I can get two great reviews of a submitted article but if I also get one pan, I find myself fantasizing the discussion with that reviewer where I dismember their argument, limb from limb. Or, even more insidious, we can get wind of the fact that someone MIGHT be upset with us or unhappy with something we have done. We don’t know for sure, but it might be true. So, do we assume the best or live in the worst?

So, in the counseling demonstration, I asked how confident she was with her opinion. She said 90%. In elections, that’s a landslide victory. In sports, your team creams the other team. But in life, we tend to live in the 10%. What if I’m wrong…what if I screwed up…what if they are mad at me…what if I’m not a good teacher…what if… We don’t do well with the unknown parts of life. We demand 100% approval and security.

So, do you tend to live in the 90% or the 10%? Neurotic folks like myself tend to replay the 10% until it might has well be 100%. In talking to my wife about this, she admitted this was why she stopped being a counselor. She didn’t like the chance that she might be screwing people up. Interestingly, egocentric folks who can’t admit ever being wrong often are but live in the 10% of the time when they were right. And fatalists assume they will screw up but just keep going and compartmentalize the 10% as something that they can’t change.

Where do you live? How do you respond? Are you a neurotic, narcissist, or fatalist?

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November 15, 2007 · 9:07 am

State Board Meeting


On Tuesday I got a an up-close-and-personal look at how one of our state’s boards work. I and my program coordinator attended the meeting to answer questions about being a seminary providing an professional counseling masters program. Were we just providing religious education (we do teach bible and theology to our counselors!) or did we actually teach professional counseling. The Board members asked me many questions about theology, epistemology, diversity and whether we were paying enough attention to issues such as classism, sexism, sexual identity, race, immigration, etc. They wanted to know why we were teaching theology to them. They wanted to know what books we were using in our cultural diversity classes and in our human development. Because we mention that we teach these classes from a Christian perspective, I guess that made us suspicious.

I’m happy to say that they voted to approve us “as a program in professional counseling”. But, it was interesting to see the thinking and decision-making processes on the board. A bit of the blind leading the blind. I must say they were all respectful even if suspicious.

And I’m happy I don’t have to go back!

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November 13, 2007 · 5:45 am

Biblical slap therapy?


I once saw a cartoon about 1 session treatment (due to managed care) that consisted of the therapist slapping the client and saying, “Get over it!” This past weekend I had our counseling students look at the book of James. There are 50 some exhortation in just over 100 verses. And though he is writing to fellow believers he sometimes calls them brothers and others times calls them names.

What’s his beef? Empty words. Christians who talk the talk but do not engage in mercy; those who talk the talk but listen to the wisdom of the world about self-promotion. Why does he do this? He wants us to be discontent with the status quo. He wants to wake us from a slumber. While he does remind his readers that the Word is powerful and its implantation in them saves them, he wants them not to be content with being like the world.

James asks us whether we really do love mercy first. It will show if we do. If we don’t, then how we handle conflict with also reveal what we love.

Its good to sit with passages such as these that do not bring immediate comfort. They cause us to consider what the Lord might be saying to us. As a counselor, it is important to allow clients to consider hard truths in a loving environment–without providing a quick, “there, there, its all right.” However, we must also make sure that we love mercy when we sit with our client in difficult areas. Otherwise, we will be in danger of letting our own tongues start fires.

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