September 9, 2008 · 10:11 am

3 inches too short


I prefer to either fail miserably or to hit a home run. What I hate is to put my all in it, come close to a great job done but realize my effort wasn’t good enough. You know, coming in 4th in the Olympics is more painful than 10th. Maybe this relates to that glory in self thing I wrote about yesterday.

What prompts this thought? On Friday I spent the entire afternoon putting on a new gutter on my house. I knew it would be a stretch for me since I’ve never done that, would be doing it alone, and am not great with my hands. After 4 hours of going up and down my ladder, using an electric screwdriver over my head, I installed 31.5 feet of gutter to my back roof.

It looked great. And just in time since a tropical storm was passing by our area. I enjoyed knowing I had accomplished a task that was difficult (for me).

Then the storm came. The gutter worked great…except it was 3 inches too short. My roof overhangs the fascia board by 3 inches on one end. I neatly lined the gutter to the edge of the fascia board. It’s amazing just how much water runs down that little bit of roof.

I want it to be good enough but the fact is it isn’t. Too much water comes down and puddles near the foundation. It must be changed. It will require I go back up the ladder, loosen the fasteners, slide the gutter over, and manufacture another end piece that is 3 inches longer than the last one I did.

How do you respond to the realization that something you worked hard enough on isn’t good enough? My response is to keep wishing it is good enough. Just don’t go into the back yard and don’t look up. Don’t look out the kitchen window when it is raining. This is the proverbial ostrich response. My second response is to figure out if there is some easy way out. A simple fix. I’ll spend a good deal of time trying this path even though I could expend less energy in just fixing the problem. I just don’t want to give up and admit I screwed up.

I think I’m like this about my sin as well. I see my weaknesses and I’m tempted to ignore or find some creative way to call it good.

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September 8, 2008 · 11:35 am

Whose glory do you seek?


Far too frequently our own. Some examples:

  • Over-the-top chest-thumping of professional athletes who make a great or even just an average play
  • Political candidate videos. Did you see either Obama’s or McCain’s? I thought they were going to say they were the savior of the world. McCain’s video concluded with a phrase, “and the stars are aligned.” Unbelievable. Sure, he didn’t say it, some voiceover said it. But you can be sure that the candidates approved the message.
  • White lies. Okay, it’s not just the rich and famous who seek their own glory. We all do. Notice how we present ourselves when someone somewhere might think we did a poor job. Excuses? Blameshifting? One of my son’s stole a toy from another child. He was caught. After being caught he was looking for ways to make it sound less like stealing and more like an oversight. He was seeking to salvage his glory. Or worse, what happens when someone thinks we did great but we know that isn’t the whole story. Do we fail to tell the truth so they see our flaws (I’m not talking about those who refuse to accept credit where credit is due)?

On Sunday morning I was singing about God’s glory. Later in the day the Monroe boys were off for a bike ride. We visited a local park and found a group of kids playing tackle football. Against better judgment I agreed to play as quarterback. When our team scored I was the loudest cheerleader. After one such score I got to thinking about this: what is the difference between legitimate celebration and self-seeking glory? When does celebration turn into rubbing the other team’s face in it?  FYI, I think we were just fine and I took great pleasure in watching the kids on the other team rejoice over blowing past my lame efforts to stop their touchdown run.

But I think it wise for us to self-examine here about our glory interests:

1. How do we feel when someone else sees our sins? Do we get defensive? Depressed? Anxious? Thankful that in our weaknesses, God is glorified?

2. How do we feel when someone gives credit due us to someone else?

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September 4, 2008 · 5:15 am

Letterboxing and the ADD brain


A friend recently told me about the hobby of letterboxing where you read a story for clues to a hidden box containing a log, some interesting ink stamps that you then stamp in your book while stamping your own stam in their hidden cache. The modern version of this is called Geocaching (using GPS to find stuff). I thought it would be interesting to do a few in my area with my kids. So, I googled around and found there are a bunch (maybe even some created by a reader here? I thought I recognized an email address but I won’t out the person). But, as I read I realized that my poor ADD brain (and my son’s) may not be cut out for deciphering the clues. Some letterboxers provide clear clues but others tell fancy stories and cover up the clues as best as possible.

I didn’t get beyond my feeble attempt to demonstrate how to use a compass to navigate in the woods (by using the degrees portion of the compass).

I’m still interested in this but we may have to wait til the kids are a bit older.

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September 3, 2008 · 1:15 pm

Biblical Counseling is too focused on big truth?


Haven’t had much time to write of late since the pressure is on for more formal writing assignments. But, in prep for a presentation in a few weeks I have been thinking about this question. Is the biblical counseling model of change too much focused on truth? Heretical thought for some I’m sure. (For those who don’t remember I consider myself both a biblical counseling and a Christian psychologist).

Let me start with some shoddy diagrams of two classic models of change.

1. Presenting problem –>Diagnosis Made–>Counselor generated insight (reality/truth) –> Corrective action (counseling as troubleshooting ways to cement corrective action outside of session). Counseling in this model focuses on truth/reality applied to counselees life outside of session. Benefit? Problem/solution focused; objective change. Drawback? Feelings and Relational activity is minimized (though not denied). The relationship is used to get to the activity of change.

2. Presenting problem  –> Diagnosis Made (but may not be told) –>Counselor generated insight (NOT given) –>Introspection via counselor generated questions. Counseling in this model focuses on introspection and counselee generated insight. Benefit? No pressure to perform, feelings encouraged. Drawback? No real relationship focus as it is purely 1 way. No focus on objective change (assumed it will naturally happen).

So, model one is more cognitive. Model two is more dynamic. Both models want or respect the valuate of relationship but usually see it as a necessity to get to what really heals (truth or insight).

The biblical model is most like model one. In many respects, the focus on truth is good. We fallen creatures need constant reorientation. We are easily deceived. And yet, which truth? Notice Jesus with the woman at the well (John 4). He doesn’t start out with the biggest truth (she’s an adulterer). Notice that we often need more immediate truthes to be the focus. Peter needs the hand as he sinks, not a lecture. David needs Nathan’s story first. We learn that God doesn’t tell us all our sins right off the bat. We couldn’t take it. Do we in the biblical counseling world over-focus on the big truths of faith, trust, sin, idolatry, etc. that we miss the “smaller” truths that God is with us, that his hand is present right now in some small tangible way?

So, how about this model for change that is both solution focused AND interpersonal.

Presenting Problem –>Collaborative Diagnosis/Goal setting –> *[empathy ->validation ->here/now ->collaboration on meeting goals/objectives and responding to thoughts, feelings, behaviors] –> small habit change attempts –> post hoc insight.

In this model the primary work is in the interpersonal dynamics (the stuff in the brackets) and insight is more what happens after change takes place: “Oh, that’s what I was thinking then and this other way helped me to change that.” If this alternative model is a bit more accurate in portraying how people actually do change via God’s grace then this is my big question: how might this model change how we use the Scriptures in counseling.

Make any sense?  If anyone has artistic capability to render these diagrams I’d love to see how you’d do them.

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August 29, 2008 · 12:23 pm

Society for Christian Psychology Conference


Folks, those interested in the field of Christian psychology and counseling should consider making last minute plans for a September conference in Chicago. The Society for Christian Psychology: www.christianpsych.org, a division of the AACC, is holding a great conference Sept 18-20 in the northwestern suburbs of Chicago. It will be small and very intimate conference and the speakers are great. You can read more on the site but with theologians Kevin Vanhoozer andTremper Longman, and quality counselors like Leslie Vernick, Mike Emlet, and many more doing breakouts, the conference ought to be quite meaty!

So, if you want to grow in your understanding of Christian models of change, haven’t decided to go and you’ve always wanted to take a road-trip to the windy city, then take the plunge and sign up.

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August 29, 2008 · 5:11 am

Identity: Purveying fine ideas


Sabbaticals create a crisis of identity for me. As you may already know, the halls of academia are filled with individuals who secretly believe they are frauds–that all others in the hall (teachers and students alike) should be there but we have somehow gotten in by faking our intelligence. For me: will I, have I produced enough to be a legitimate professor? Where are my many books? Why isn’t my vita longer? Where is my empirical research?

Truth is I’m not a researcher and at this point do not need to be one. My school seeks quality teachers who make important additions to the field (vs. primarily researchers who happen to teach). 

But recently I had an aha about who I’m made to be. I had been struggling with writing a book proposal (which I hope will still succeed) and trying to evaluate whether I was making any discernible progress. I needed a coffee (okay, didn’t need but wanted) so walked out through the parking lot on my way to a local shop. In the parking lot was a friend on her way to help out some families in crisis. She stopped me and asked me if I could help her consider how to respond. Within minutes I gave her several ideas and steps on how to think about the issues and some direction as to where to lead the individuals involved. She was grateful and after scribbling on a napkin some ideas we parted ways.

As I walked to the shop I got the “aha.” I’m a purveyor of fine ideas–like the purveyor of fine coffees I was on my way to vist. I doubt I’m ever going to write that revolutionary text, develop a unique model of care, provide the statistical data to back up a theory, etc. But I’m relatively decent at collecting fine ideas that may not be so well-known to the community and giving them to people in useful bits. I think the Lord has given me the gift of discerning which biblical or psychological information might be useful and how the person in need might be able to use it.

So, I don’t make good things, I find good things and try to get them into the hands of folks who need it. Maybe that makes me less of a professor but I’m coming to terms with this.

And so with this aha I go back to my computer, flush with caffeine and some comfort that my life isn’t evaluated solely on this proposal I’m working on. Of course it doesn’t you say. But we humans need to be reminded of the truth every so often.

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August 28, 2008 · 8:10 am

What does hope feel like?


Ever thought about what hope feels like? When ministers and other christian leaders speak or write about hope, what do you envision? Does it include confidence? Peace? Contentment? Belief? Assurance? Or does it include pain, longing, and the like?

In reading Romans 8:18f Paul speaks of present suffering and that yet reminding himself that it is nothing in comparison to heaven and our glorification. And yet, we wait, he says. Notice some of the words used in this passage (up to v. 29):

eager expectation, frustration, groaning (like in childbirth), wait eagerly, patiently?, wordless groans.

This is all included in this passage about hope–hope in what is not seen. Hope, it appears, includes eagerness and expectation, but also groaning and waiting for something that seems to be killing us despite the good we hope will come (like childbirth). Though hope was present, the experience the Christians were facing was difficult enough that Paul in v. 31 reminds his readers that if God is for them, then nothing can conquer them in this period of waiting. They were in pain!

So while the hope of heaven sustains us, it is not something that is at all peaceful or without suffering since we long for something that we yet do not see.

How do you put longing/groaning and hope together in the same breath?

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August 27, 2008 · 5:13 am

Thing I have in common with Obama


I listened to parts of Michelle Obama’s speech on Monday night. She told the story of the birth of their first child in 1998 (same year and location (Chicago) we adopted our first son at the tender age of 4 days). She told of how they drove home from the hospital with Michelle in the back and Barack driving ever so slowly in order to make sure not to disturb their new daughter.

I did the same thing. We picked up Sam in Oak Park, IL and drove him back to Wheaton (about a 30 minute drive). Kim sat in the back of our 2 door Honda Civic Hatchback and held his head so it wouldn’t flop and I drove trying to avoid every bump in the road. It didn’t stop there. I then didn’t sleep the next two nights as I stayed with him making sure he was alright. A little crazy but as a first time parent, he seemed so fragile to me.

Anybody else out there willing to admit their anxieties over their firstborn?

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August 26, 2008 · 5:34 am

On the problem of cutting: The secret under the sleeve


Writer Amy Sondova, a former student and now friend of mine, has expertise in many areas including the problem of cutting. Playing on my friendship with her I asked if she would write here just a little on the topic. Here’s what she wrote (following her bio):

Who is Amy? Amy Sondova is a writer specializing in media writing, including interviews and reviews, as well as blogging. Having interviewed over 30 of the top musicians, writers, and speakers in the Christian media, Amy has also written countless columns, reviews, and articles on various topics including mental illness, self-injury, working with teenagers, and Christianity. As well as holding a B.A. in communications, Amy holds a M.A. in biblical counseling, and has worked as a professional therapist. You can visit Amy’s blog at amysondova.comor check out her online e-zine, BackseatWriter.com, a faith-based site focusing on God, culture, music, mental health, and photography.

Cutting: The Secret Under the Sleeve

 

By Amy Sondova  She’s a cutter—one of the many in a growing community of self-mutilators who wear their pain, anger, and frustration by cutting various parts of their bodies with sharp objects.  You would not know she’s a cutter to look at her; she smiles broadly, perhaps a little too broadly at times. She seems normal if not a little melancholy.  But look in her eyes and then you will see her torment. You can always tell a cutter by the lack of luster in her eyes.

 

Cutting is a form of self-injury–the act of purposely injuring oneself using a sharp object such as a razor, scissors, knife, etc.  In addition to cutting, self-injury also includes carving, scratching, branding, marking, picking and pulling skin and hair, burns or abrasions, biting, and head banging.   Most self-mutilators are between the ages of 11 to 30 and 97% are female.  

 

Not only is cutting a stress relieving coping mechanism, but the physical pain creates a sense of livelihood, and most times physical pain is dull compared to the piercing pain in her soul.   No one can see her inner turmoil, so she has transformed her emotions onto her flesh to make you and everyone else understand that she is hurting.

 

Cutting is not usually an act of suicide.  One cutter wrote on her website, “I don’t want to die.  I self-injure to stay alive, to deal with the unbearable.  If I wanted to die, then I wouldn’t be here now” (Secret Shame, 2004.) 

 

Along with sexual and other types of abuse, there are several mental disorders associated with self-injurious behavior, which include borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, clinical depression, bipolar disorder, and multiple personality disorder.  Remember, even if an individual suffers from a mental illness along with her cutting, she is more than her diagnosis.  She is human being created in the image of God.

 

The only hope for a cutter lies in God because no one can ever understand the pain except for Him. He sees the inner torments and can provide relief.  There is no hope attached to the end of the razor blade…only the manifestation of a tortured soul.  Self-mutilation is still taboo in many churches today, but as their forms fill our pristine halls, the church cannot cover its eyes any longer.  We must be prepared to minister to what many are calling “the new anorexia” before a generation mutilates itself beyond recognition.

 

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August 25, 2008 · 10:29 am

When your ancestors might not be so great…


Back from vacation and back to the heat of Philadelphia. New England was quite cool and a bit wet this summer. We still had many good experiences nonetheless.

While at my parents I read two things at the same time: a 2 volume set of the Shaw genealogy (my maternal grandfather’s heritage) and a book by Colin Woodward: Lobster Coast: Rebels, Rusticators and the Struggle for a Forgotten Frontier. Below are my thoughts from reading both documents.

I like learning about my ancestors. In past visits to my parents I’ve read my paternal grandfather’s daily diaries (more like logs of activities). This time I read about my maternal grandfather’s ancestors (family name: Shaw) back to the first immigrants to Boston in the 1630s. After a couple short generations, some of the Shaws emigrated through Maine to the Maritime provinces. Someone in the family compiled quite a history and so I learned about the hardworking, Scotch/English/Irish families. Some were Anglican, others became primitive Baptist and still others were “Orserites.” I find it fascinating to see how families lived through diseases, lost many children in their youth, and made a life out of nothing. It is also clear that back then cousins married each other. Interesting… The most peculiar thing was a story of how a young white boy was “bought” from an Indian tribe and brought into the Shaw clan.

The Scotch-Irish families in Maine and the Maritimes may not have had the greatest integrity. I didn’t learn this from the family genealogy but from “Lobster Coast” noted above. This book detailed the settling of Maine and the subsequent mis-use of the natural resources in the Gulf of Maine. I learned greater details about the use of “Scotch-Irish” to settle the Maine coast. This ethnic group was considered a ruthless and independent people and so perfect for settling Main and dealing with the native tribes. Apparently the first white Mainers lacked integrity as they would make treaties with the local Indian tribes only to welch on the treaty whenever expedient. I didn’t know that in the mid 1700s most of white inhabitants were pushed out of the land after riling the Indians for the umpteenth time. When the Mainers fled to Massachusetts for saftey, they weren’t that welcome there as they were seen to be a rather foul-mouthed, drunken crowd. I didn’t get that information in the Shaw genealogy. While I’d like to believe my family was the upright exception, it makes one wonder…

I can see my nearly genetic connection to the Mass/Maine/New Brunswick area. Whenever I return, it feels like home, even when I didn’t live in eastern Mass.

Its easy to forget that our ancestors, though strong Christians, were likely involved in stealing land from the native Americans.I suspect those who know their ancestors enslaved African Americans (or at least benefited from slavery) feel this same sick feeling in the pit of their stomachs.

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