Category Archives: Relationships

September 11, 2009 · 9:36 am

Debating the truth with oneself when mad


Listened last night to a Tim Keller sermon on CD on Habakkuk 2:1-5. In it he quoted from Jane Eyre where Jane is in dialogue with Mr. Rochester and herself after discovering that he had deceived her in thinking he was single (if you read the novel you will recall they had fallen in love and were to be married but then she discovers that he was married to an insane woman. In grieve, she is leaving him and he is trying to convince her to stay). Here are a few pieces of her dialog with him and with herself. I find it similar to the kinds of debates hurting people have with themselves–trying to debate with the truth and with their pain. You can get the full text on-line. This is from http://www.gutenberg.com site; chapter 27 for you with hard copies.

“Oh, Jane, this is bitter! This–this is wicked. It would not be wicked to love me.”
“It would to obey you.”
A wild look raised his brows–crossed his features: he rose; but he forebore yet. I laid my hand on the back of a chair for support: I shook, I feared–but I resolved.
“One instant, Jane. Give one glance to my horrible life when you are gone. All happiness will be torn away with you. What then is left? For a wife I have but the maniac upstairs: as well might you refer me to some
corpse in yonder churchyard. What shall I do, Jane? Where turn for a companion and for some hope?”
“Do as I do: trust in God and yourself. Believe in heaven. Hope to meet again there.”
“Then you will not yield?”
“No.”
“Then you condemn me to live wretched and to die accursed?” His voice rose.
“I advise you to live sinless, and I wish you to die tranquil.”
“Then you snatch love and innocence from me? You fling me back on lust for a passion–vice for an occupation?”
“Mr. Rochester, I no more assign this fate to you than I grasp at it for myself. We were born to strive and endure–you as well as I: do so. You will forget me before I forget you.”

And then this…

Is it better to drive a fellow-creature to despair than to transgress a mere human law, no man being injured by the breach? for you have neither relatives nor acquaintances whom you need fear to offend by living with me?”
This was true: and while he spoke my very conscience and reason turned traitors against me, and charged me with crime in resisting him. They spoke almost as loud as Feeling: and that clamoured wildly. “Oh, comply!” it said. “Think of his misery; think of his danger–look at his state when left alone; remember his headlong nature; consider the recklessness following on despair–soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for _you_? or who will be injured by what you do?”
Still indomitable was the reply–“_I_ care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad–as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth–so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane–quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.”

Note the way she talked to herself. Note how she reckoned with powerful impulses and yet recalled what was truth for her during sane times. Sadly, most of us do not bother to get to this point in our thinking but continue to listen to our longings and so convince ourself of the truth we wish to believe in.

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Filed under christian counseling, counseling, counseling skills, Relationships

June 8, 2009 · 10:01 am

Hooking up less difficult than admitting love?


Listened this am to NPR’s Morning edition and a story on “hooking up.” Definitely worth your listening for the 8 minute story. Here’s a couple of amazing thoughts (not quotes) from female interviewees:

1. The hook-up is all about the tension, build-up, and the sex.

2. Dating actually costs too much money; hook-ups are much cheaper

3. Talking about being in love is more embarrassing than talking about one’s sex life (hooking up) on the radio.

4. Dating a guy means bringing him into your circle of close friends and the preference is to have the hook-up but do nothing that could harm real friendships

5. It is vulnerable to be needy of love. Not so of sex.

Scary stuff here. Think about it. Taking your clothes off and sharing genital sexual activity with an acquaintance puts you in a less vulnerable position than asking someone out for a formal date?  Can someone explain that one to me?

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Filed under Cultural Anthropology, news, Psychology, Relationships, Sex, sexuality

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June 2, 2009 · 11:15 am

Why texting is hazardous to your life


We already know that texting while driving endangers lives. No surprise there. But have you considered the danger of texting while angry? Texting while avoiding?

Consider the following situation. You have a set-to with a loved one while each are at work. Finding yourself hurt and angry, the thought crosses your mind to text that person to say something mature like,

“fine. u go rite ahed and do it. c if i care.”

Of course, you don’t really mean “fine.” Nor do you  want them to “go ahead”. You do care, otherwise you wouldn’t be texting while angry.

Notice the dangers here:

1. Texting give us the illusion of connection. We can send a message to communicate with another but don’t really call it a connection.
2. Texting provides an opportunity to jab each other when angry but avoid (for a few moments anyway) seeing the impact of that jab. Sure, we could say these silly and immature things to the other’s face, but with the advent of texting we don’t have to admit to ourselves that our words have impact.
3. Texting allows another to keep a record of our wrongs; to read it again and again and maintain the hurts. Yes, we can remember words spoken in anger, but keeping a copy would be tempting and very dangerous.

For those of you who text, maybe a few rules should apply.

  • If you are tempted to text someone so you can avoid them, don’t.
  • Don’t text or email when angry.
  • Ask yourself about impact: Does it truly meet the constructive requirement of Ephesians? And if it does, why not say it face to face?

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Filed under anger, christian psychology, Christianity, conflicts, Relationships

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May 14, 2009 · 3:46 pm

Some thoughts on scamming


Last night I heard about a local couple who got scammed out of 22k for an adoption that never happened. Seems they gave the money up front but the agency didn’t ever provide a child. The show mentioned 60 some families who had been rooked by the “agency.”

Sad. And I hope they are able to get their money back even though it looks as unlikely as Madoff’s victims. The sad tale got me thinking about the common facets of a “successful” scam.

1. Offer something of value that a vulnerable (somewhat desperate) person needs
2. Package (cloak) the offer with things that comfort (e.g., religion, the right words, a good reference from a known trusted individual)
3. Have compatriots act as satisfied customers
4. Get the victim to ante up a small amount so as not to raise suspicions (foot-in-the-door technique)
5. Find ways to get the victim to give just a bit more until they have given enough that they can’t back out for fear of losing all they have invested.
6. When problems arise, have good explanations well rehearsed and on the tip of the tongue.
7. Have a ready list of promised solutions that never come.

A “good” scam has to be believable and needs someone interested in believing in the truth. Not all that different from Adam and Eve: a desire meets something that looked good coupled with a winsome voice to make the hearers “forget” the truth.

While there are the scams that get the attention of the media, we all participate in subtle scams. Consider the dating relationship scam. A person learns to say the right thing so as to win the heart of another (and they think they mean it!). Sadly, after the marriage, the true colors come out (control, depression, introversion). But the other has bought into the scam and so it is too late to back out easily.

Have you been the victim of a scam? Unintentionally scammed another?

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May 7, 2009 · 5:05 pm

Getting it or acting it?


There are some things I want my kids to learn. Typical stuff. Like not eating with their mouths open, picking up after themselves, that name-calling isn’t a form of “good fun” or excused if the other started it first. You know, simple things boys need help with.

Here’s a dilemma. My kids probably don’t really understand why these things are good to do. Do I really care? Sort of. I patiently tell (lecture, really) them why such and such behavior is a good idea and other behaviors are not. But, in the short run, I’d prefer them to just eat with their mouth closed and say only nice things–whether they get it or not.

I think we can relate this to our own lives. Sometimes we just don’t get WHY we need to do something (like put up with an annoying co-worker) but go about doing what is right. Insight may come later or it may not, but we can take comfort it knowing we honored God with our actions.

Here’s where it gets tougher. What if our loved one acted in a loving way to us but we knew they didn’t really get why it was important, just that we wanted them to do a particular thing (e.g., pick up clothes off the floor, wait to bring complaints up at an agreed upon time, etc.)? Would you care if they acted right but didn’t get they reasons why?

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March 26, 2009 · 5:42 am

Further thoughts about conflict


Whether we are two fighting 10 year olds or 60 year olds, we have a propensity to fight unfairly. Yesterday I mentioned the habit of character assassination. Today, I want to go a little further with these techniques (tongue inserted in cheek).

1. Make sure to start out telling the story in such a way that will emphasize your righteousness (overlooking your own sins) and equally emphasizing the other person’s sins. Be sure to read any and all possible data about the other’s motives in the worst possible light. Never give the benefit of the doubt.

2. If you are defending someone else who has done something wrong, be sure to protect them facing justice.

Some of these thoughts came to me during this week’s sermon on Judges 20. Note how the Levite tells the story about the awful Gibeah men but fails to point out his complicity in allowing his woman to be abused to death. Notice, as my pastor pointed out, how he generalizes from some people’s behavior to a whole people group. Notice also how the tribe of Benjamin fails to hold their own people accountable but closes rank to protect their own. These things are habits we easily engage in if we are not careful.

Or, how about a better way. Follow the model of dealing with conflict by first seeking personal assessment and repentance before pursuing the sins of others.

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March 25, 2009 · 5:43 am

The fine art of disagreeing


Ever noticed that some people can disagree with you to your face but do it in such a way that you are neither threatened nor feeling the need to go to the mat over the matter. What do these folk do differently?

First, they are willing to voice their disagreements. This is preferable to those who agree to your face but tell others they disagree with you.

Second, they do it in such a way as to not diminish you as a person. I’ve noticed that some people are expert in making others feel important–even as they may completely disagree with an idea. They validate you as a person. They assume you mean well and are authentic in your ideas and beliefs.

On the flip side, those who approach the fight looking to drag character into the matter, who assume you are duplicitous or have a hidden agenda, get our defenses up. It is a sure way to kill a relationship (marriage, work, family, etc.) to start a conversation challenging someone’s honesty and accusing them of not being upfront.

I think we are most likely to do this if we have been meditating on some real or perceived unfairness in the relationship.

But what if you really think the person isn’t being honest with you or themselves? Should you bring it up? It is my experience that the more attention to pay to their concerns (whether obvious or partially hidden), the more likely you can have a worthwhile conversation and either the dishonesty will reveal itself or it will become less of an issue. Of course this isn’t always true, but often, in most relationships.

So, if you can honor 1 Corinthians 13 in your disagreements, you will enrich your relationships with others and master the fine art of disagreeing with others in love.

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March 11, 2009 · 5:45 am

A culture of criticism?


Some further thoughts about our propensity for evaluation. Is it only my perception or have we become a culture of critics? In past generations, we overlooked the flaws of others to maintain the looks of stability, honesty, and integrity. Now, we love to out leaders (sports, religion, politics, etc.) when they are immature, foolish, or downright evil. And the advent of the cellphone camera and blog means we can catch it on tape and share it immediately with the world.

I’ve noticed that this culture of criticism extends to the local community–even the church. Stand around with neighbors. How long does it take to hear your first gossipy complaint? Stand around at coffee at some churches and you might just hear a complaint about the sermon, the way the youth leader operates, a question about how the budget is being formed. Recently, I was at a function (non-church) of friends and I was surprised to hear catty complaints about whether or not others brought enough food or the right kind.

Why are we inclined to talk this way? What do we gain by pointing out the flaws of others? Pride? Self-righteousness? “Reasons” for why we can overlook our own sins? 

One more thought. Do we take greater pleasure in noticing the brokenness of the world than pointing out the good?

I am all for speaking the truth in love; for standing up against injustice and incompetence. But the repetitious meditating on what is wrong with others (including systems) seems to tear down more than it offers a way up.

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March 9, 2009 · 5:04 am

Frustrated goals? Here is one solution…


Let’s admit to ourselves that we carry a large number of goals for other people. We wish and desire for them to change their ways. Life would be so much easier if my son…my wife…my boss…my pastor would only… 

This is especially true in the counseling office. People come to counseling to find a way to fix a problem (person) in their life. They may well recognize their own need for change but commonly find their attention turning to the one person causing them great relational pain. Counselors are no less capable of being frustrated as well. We have goals for our clients–ways we want them to act. When they do not accept our goals or are not able to fulfill them to our egocentric demands, we too can be frustrated.

Here is one solution that may provide you with less frustration:

Make your goals things that you can meet on your own.Okay, maybe this sounds a little crazy, but hear me out. Let’s say your spouse frequently responds to your questions with irritable defensiveness. You know you are nothing but sweetness and light to him/her and that the problem lies solely with your spouse. You are frustrated that they do not get that they need to change. You’ve brought up nicely and you’ve brought it up repeatedly–even seeking help from a counselor. But to no avail.

Consider, then, a goal change. Goal: I want my response to my spouse to be filled with love, truth, and an invitation to warmly try again, even if they do not accept my invitation. You have the power, with God’s help, to meet this goal. You can use this to evaluate how well you are doing?

Does such a goal change make your suffering from your spouse’s crankiness any less? No. But when (a) you accept that you have NO power to make someone else change and (b) accept that you do have power in how you will respond to such things, you receive two benefits

  • You stop distressing over how to fix another person
  • You use different criteria to evaluate yourself and your life (and thus may find that your own irritation is adding to the vicious cycle and your negative evaluations of your life)

Now, I am not saying that if you are suffering at the hands of your spouse or child or boss that you should just smile and take it. It is okay to speak the truth to sin. Maltreatment does do damage and working to stop it is a good thing (if necessary, by removing oneself from the situation). But even then, you can offer an invitation to a new way of relating should the person be open to hearing you.

So, if you are frustrated with others not helping you meet your goals, consider whether or not you can rewrite your goals to be something within your power to do. Warning: it can be a challenge to give up a goal for another. It feels like giving up a dream. It will be easier to give up said goal for other if you recognize that there are a host of goals available for you right at your fingertips.

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March 2, 2009 · 5:24 am

Inside adulterous love: “It’s all about me!”


There’s no denying that forbidden love lust generates massive pleasure–even if it leads to equally massive despair, guilt, and/or destruction. If it didn’t, few would allow an affair to develop and continue risking all that is dear to them (respect, trust, family, friends, even job). Like heroin, the pleasure within adultery screams to be experienced again. Often those caught up in this kind of pleasure feel they have found their soul mate, their completion as a person. But let’s take a look at this “love” for a moment and the lies told.

1. “You complete me.” Sounds like it is a compliment to the other, right? Nope. It is all about how the speaker feels. That is the focus. Very self-indulgent.

2. “I can’t wait to be with you again.” Again, the focus is on what you do to me.

3. “You get me.” Ditto #1 and 2.

The funny thing is, if you were to remove the “love” phrases being bantied back and forth in an affair from their context, you see how self-focused the expressions of pleasure and satisfaction are despite the pretense of care for the other. But both parties delude themselves that it is real love as long as the “drug” lasts. As long as both feel that the other exists to bring them pleasure it feels like mutual love.

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