Category Archives: church and culture

Pastoral sexual abuse training


Today, Diane Langberg and I provide a 3 hour presentation entitled: Pastoral Sexual Abuse: Trends, Challenges, Issues & Treatment. Click here (#14 on the list) for presentation slides (ppt format). The presentation covers issues such as “the setup” that leads some pastors to abuse parishioners, the impact on the various parties, victim related interventions, offender related interventions, as well as focus on the kind of issues counselors run into when either counseling various parties or consulting with the local church going through such sufferings.

Along with the slides, we will also pass out a tiny print decision tree for those who like to have a visual for what needs to be done (see link above for that item as well). I’m still playing around with this and could add things like communication with media, interactions with legal team and notification to law enforcement if abuse of minors has taken place.

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Filed under Abuse, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity, church and culture, pastors and pastoring, self-deception, Uncategorized

Options for Burned-out pastors


I am working on a talk for pastors and church leaders regarding the problem of conflict with parishioners. One of the surprises for pastors is that Kingdom work means facing attacks from those who are supposed to be on the same side. We know from work with military, NGOs, and missionaries that the most difficult aspect of personal sacrifice is not threats from outside but lack of support from supposed friends and teammates.

So, when a pastor finds him or herself in a conflicted situation and feels burned out, where might that pastor turn? There are a couple of local options for help:

1. C4ML Coaching. As a mission of Biblical Seminary, Mick Noel provides coaching regarding matters of leadership and church culture. His coaching isn’t a substitute for counseling or needed retreat but Rev. Noel is keenly aware of burn-out and church conflicts and can guide the pastor in making a plan to address leadership matters in the church. C4ML also provides opportunities for small cohorts of pastors to meet to discuss how to handle culture change in the church and wider community.

2. ServingLeaders. David Wiedis is an attorney and counselor who provides coaching, consultation, and counseling for ministry leaders. The link will connect you to his thoughts on burn-out.

3. You might consider preventing such burnout by doing some education/personal work with a new ministry called, The Identity School for Christian Ministry. Rev. Bob Miller is offering material he believes is absent from most MDiv programs but necessary for survival in the pastorate. The courses are described on the website and run for 2 days at a time.

4. Retreats. There are a number of locations that provide retreats. Use your search engine to discover these. Some are low cost, some are free if they accept your application. Some leave you alone while others provide counseling and/or coaching. While retreats are good in that they provide a break, unless there is a change in how the situation is being approached, the pastor should not expect miracles.

5. Counseling. Lastly, a good spiritual director or counselor ought to be able to guide the pastor in personal assessment, re-orienting priorities, and choosing a new response set to the difficult situation.

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Filed under Biblical Seminary, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, conflicts, pastoral renewal, pastors and pastoring

Rwanda Day 5b


[Sorry for the delay. Recovery and vacation time to Maine took precedence to posting more Rwanda entries.]

In my last entry I spoke of our exposure to prisoners at a local prison–all innocent in their own eyes, or at least deserving of being forgiven and released. All had been convicted by either a federal court or a Gacaca (local) court of genocidal activities.

In the afternoon we invited victims and perpetrators to our retreat house to interview them about their experiences. Jared, a diocese employee, our driver, and wise man brought two victims and one perpetrator to us (in the same car!). We sat under a tree and drank Fantas together, first with the victims and later with the perpetrator. Here’s what we learned:

Victims. We spoke with a woman and two men. The following quotes are through a translator.

The woman told us she was hidden by a Hutu (this is one of the few times we heard this!). She lost her husband and some children in the genocide.

I saw it with my own eyes. People killed people who knew each other. Some of the criminals now live in the community. We share life. Their homes are close. Some of the criminal’s children are seen by me. Their father killed my family. I have forgiven him because he confessed. It is a formula…confess, be forgiven, and live together. But do I forget? No. I see him (the killer) hang back and hesitate to ask for help. Rwanda is a country of sharing but he hesitates to ask. I have to be the one who makes more efforts to connect than he does.

Older man.

I thank God I am alive. It is a miracle. I didn’t expect to survive. There was no place to hide because no friend was left. So, I hid in churches, bushes, and rushes. It was terrible to see. I lost 170 people in my extended family. Remembering is the problem not economical. I knew those doing the killing. I survived by some miracle by moving around and going to another town where they didn’t know if I was a Hutu or a Tutsi….Afterwards, we had to live with those who committed the crimes and now we are trying to cover. Among those who killed, some confessed. They blame the government’s teaching and mobilization. But now they thank God we have a government that wants unity. So, we have to forgive to live together.

Younger man.

I was 11 when the genocide started. Some teachers came to our class and told us, “Tutsi, stand up.” They counted the number of each. I was in the thicket when the killers came. Some Hutus covered me up. When it was over my father was dead. My brother was killed and my sister too in Kigali. Our family was nine. Now we are three. In 2005 I finished school. I have been a judge in the Gacaca courts. It is good that I survived but now I am head of my family and I have to support my mother and my two married sisters (their husbands have to support their own families of origin). But I have no job. I hope to go to university some day.

What is it like to live in the same village with those known to have killed family members?

We are taught to forgive by government but then we see the criminals with their family. So it hurts. His family can achieve what we cannot because they have their whole family. I can’t provide for my family because I am a widow. I could if my husband was still here.

They can hurt you with their words even now. During the three months of memorial they can say things that shows they are proud of what they did.

Does it help to talk about it?

Yes and no. You have to be selective who you talk to. Some one might be happy or proud that I am hurting. I don’t tell it in public because it might be used by someone without good intentions.

How are you feeling about your country?

Today we should build Rwanda together by using Gacac courts to build trust. We try not to be aggressive. Unfortunately, some confess only to get absolution.

Finally, we interviewed a man who is a confessed killer. He is admitted to kill our female victim’s husband. (Remember they came in the same car from the same village. We thought was hard by the woman didn’t think anything of it! EVEN MORE AMAZING, we learned that this man also killed Jared, our translator’s father. Jared didn’t bat an eye when this was revealed to us!).

Since 1967 we learned who is Hutu and Tutsi in school. In 1990 the RPF (rebel Tutsis from Uganda who later became the government) it became worse. People said Tutsis were snakes and taught us this division. “Cut bushes” meant to cut Tutsis with a machete. For me, the genocide started 6 April 1994. When the president was killed I thought Tutsis killed him. They asked us to take revenge and killed the Tutsis. We started the same day. I killed different people. I remember each and every one. It lasted one week. Only a few survived. The RPF stopped us. I was exiled in Tanzania. We came back in 1996. I was arrested and imprisoned. In prison, they mobilized us to ask for forgiveness. I learned that I could be forgiven by God if I confessed. In prison, there were two parties–those who confessed and those who wouldn’t because they wanted to finish the job. Those who sincerely confessed had charges dropped. I was given only 9 years. But in prison, some (we learned later that some meant his own father) some tried to stop me and said the government was tricking us. Now, I’ve been here for 6 years with no problems.

What did you hear in prison?

Some confessed in order to get free. Some wanted to kill me for telling the truth. But I don’t care, I just want to tell the whole truth.

What helped you tell the truth?

The church taught me that you must confess the whole truth to the victim so you can be forgiven by God. Also, once you do this, you have to tell it many times to get it off your heart and to realize what you have done. Yet, it is difficult to come back and live with people whose relatives you killed.

What is the hardest thing for you to deal with?

I’m responsible for their pain. I have flashbacks. I hear them (the victims) crying in my memory.   

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Filed under christian psychology, church and culture, Cultural Anthropology, deception, Repentance, Rwanda

A culture of criticism?


Some further thoughts about our propensity for evaluation. Is it only my perception or have we become a culture of critics? In past generations, we overlooked the flaws of others to maintain the looks of stability, honesty, and integrity. Now, we love to out leaders (sports, religion, politics, etc.) when they are immature, foolish, or downright evil. And the advent of the cellphone camera and blog means we can catch it on tape and share it immediately with the world.

I’ve noticed that this culture of criticism extends to the local community–even the church. Stand around with neighbors. How long does it take to hear your first gossipy complaint? Stand around at coffee at some churches and you might just hear a complaint about the sermon, the way the youth leader operates, a question about how the budget is being formed. Recently, I was at a function (non-church) of friends and I was surprised to hear catty complaints about whether or not others brought enough food or the right kind.

Why are we inclined to talk this way? What do we gain by pointing out the flaws of others? Pride? Self-righteousness? “Reasons” for why we can overlook our own sins? 

One more thought. Do we take greater pleasure in noticing the brokenness of the world than pointing out the good?

I am all for speaking the truth in love; for standing up against injustice and incompetence. But the repetitious meditating on what is wrong with others (including systems) seems to tear down more than it offers a way up.

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Filed under Christianity, church and culture, conflicts, Doctrine/Theology, Psychology, Relationships

Evaluating your life: Are you satisfied?


If you are in the Eastern part of of the US, you probably got an opportunity to feel some warmth, shed some layers, and see small signs of Spring. Its hard not to feel just a little less dismal about life. So, in honor of impending Spring, I’m going to post a few times this week about the continuous evaluations we make about life and their impact on our experience and feelings about said life.

Are you satisfied?

Just how would you go about answering that question? The very idea of satisfaction brings up many questions. What does satisfaction look and feel like? How does it differ from peace, hope, joy, contentment, etc.? Is it a feeling? A conclusion? What areas of life are we talking about?

Despite these many questions, part of the curse of living in Western culture is that we are taught to obsessively evaluate our lives and question if we are getting all that is available to us. (I’ve written in the past about tendency for individuals in my program to rate their optimism high but their happiness low–a sign of discontentment but hope for the future).

Of course, repeated evaluations generally lead to a sense of missing out on some important part of life (isn’t that what advertising is all about?)

What lack do you use to evaluate your life?

Most of us know we lack something that many others have. We may indeed have many good things–things that others would grab in a heartbeat. But those things we take for granted while we ruminate on what we wish for. “If only I had…then I would be able to…”

What is on your list? Home ownership? Education? Sex? Being pursued by someone? Children? Successful career? How does the lack you perceive you have shape your sense of life satisfaction? What does it cause you to ignore (or diminish) in your life that is blessing you?

Changing the criteria

If you have ever travelled to a part of the world where it is obvious that you are wealthy in comparison, you know that such an experience immediately changes your focus and evaluation. You see immense blessings. You feel guilty for spending 3 bucks on a coffee when someone in front of you hasn’t eaten for 3 days.

So, what might you use this week to change your focus? How might you look more at what you have rather than put your hopes in what you do not have but want so very much? How is God sustaining and enriching your life even though a desire you have (quite possibly a very holy desire) has not been satisfied?

Concluding thought

Satisfaction is not some higher plane of life; a nirvana. It happens in fleeting moments. We live with unmet desire but also with opportunities for pleasure and contentment. Challenge yourself to notice satisfying moments and take pleasure in them by engaging in thankful meditation.

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Filed under christian psychology, Christianity, church and culture, Cultural Anthropology, Desires, Mindfulness

Scandals and privacy: Why we want both


I was listening to a news story about the Alex Rodriguez steroid scandal yesterday and reading the third chapter in Lauren Winner’s “Real Sex” book and I  got to thinking about the confusion in our culture: We demand privacy AND we love the scandal. Follow me for a minute:

1. A reporter asked the “man on the street” whether he thought Alex was no longer a role model for his sons. The man replied something to this effect, “What Alex puts in his body is his own business. Stop reading his mail. He has to make his own decisions and so do my sons. It’s a matter of privacy.” So, this man argued that what Alex does with his own body should be his own business since at the time of his taking the steroids it wasn’t illegal.

2. This thinking is commonly found in conversations about sex as well. Winner, in chapter 3, discusses our culture’s acceptance of the mantra, “what two consenting adults do is none of anyone’s business.” In fact, it shouldn’t even be the topic of conversation. FYI, Winner is arguing the opposite–that what you do in the bedroom is a matter of concern for the Christian community. So, Christians should care about their neighbor’s sexual ethic as it impacts the whole community. 

3. Yet, we love the scandal. As a culture, we are more prone now than ever to air someone’s dirty laundry. Haven’t we just been bombarded with some actor’s profanity filled rants? Obama appointees Some actress’ sex tape is “leaked”? Now, Alex Rodriguez is a juicer. I’m sure Joe Torre’s book about his Yankee years will sell big. Why? It’s going to have juicy, PRIVATE, details. We love the scandal. Just not our own.

By the way, the church really isn’t any better. We’ve all heard and repeated things like: “Did you hear about ____ son and what he did?” “Did you hear about ___ down the street and that their pastor was caught doing ____?”

Point: We want the freedom to do what we want in private without others finding out. We don’t want friends and family prying and asking those direct questions about our sex lives or other potentially embarrassing activities. Yes, I know, many of us are in accountability groups because we know we need people prying. But, really, does any human since our fig-leaved first parents really want accountability? No, even though we know that when we have folks asking us the tough questions, we’re less likely to be outed in a scandal.

2nd point: Oh, and we love the scandal for personal reasons. It makes us feel better. I, for one, would NEVER take steroids. That makes me feel better, even though I might have my own private struggles with being honest about taxes, time sheets, how I parent when no one is watching, etc.

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Filed under Christianity, church and culture, Cultural Anthropology, News and politics, Psychology

Volf on giving


Previously, I wrote a quick summary of Miroslav Volf’s first hour of his presentation entitled, Free of charge: Giving and Forgiving in a World Stripped of Grace. This time I’ll summary his second hour on “Giving.”

he started this hour with an aside. He commented that when he does this kind of talk, he finds that attendees are substantially more interested in his work on forgiveness than on his comments about giving and gift giving.  What might this say about us in that we are far more interested in thinking about forgiveness than giving gifts (which is what forgiveness really is)

To his points:
1. Giving is the opposite of amassing things.
2. While fulfilling, giving is hard because it usually requires self-sacrifice. Yes, some gifts cost little or even benefit us (e.g., a performer gives the gift of performance but through giving it gets even better as a performer). It is hard to give because: (a) it costs us something, (b) we have to fight the tendency toward laziness or sloth, (c) pride, desire for manipulation, sense of entitlement, airs of superiority, desire to demean, etc hinders us. Further, some of us are tempted to being “smart takers” (i.e., taking under the guise of caring for others)
3. Problem: we craft God into our own image. We imagine him as negotiator and attempt to negotiate with him. We bargain with if/then statements. If you give me x, I will give you back y. The tragedy is that we’re trying to negotiate with God but we have nothing to offer him in exchange. And what we think we are offering or bringing to the table are things that given as gifts to US by God himself. This insults God’s gift and his burning love that is the motivation for that gift. Bargainers have to bargain from a position of strength–but we have none with God because his loving gifts overwhelm us.
4. Why do we give? Why should we give? We give because God is a giver. He gives to us for our enjoyment and for us to pass on to others. We give because it is the nature of our character–made in the image of a giving, loving God.
5. God loves a cheerful giver. He wants us to be givers who give without grumbling. And when we do, we experience true living. (example of following musical score. At first it may be mechanical and even oppressive. But when it is played well, you experience its freedom, its true expression.)
6. But God is neither a negotiator or a Santa Claus. He give gives us gifts with an address on it other than our own–gifts intended to be given or passed on. But what happens when we keep other people’s gifts? Misappropriated gifts brings out God’s response of justice.
7. Must we assess the deserving nature of the gift giver? While we may speak of wise gifts, Christianity is built on gifts to the unjust and just alike. maybe we should talk about wise vs. discriminating? Volf thinks gift giving can be both wise AND indiscriminate. Wise gifts may consider impact and effectiveness. Indiscriminate means one doesn’t evaluate whether the recipient is deserving or not.

Lastly, sometimes the suburbanized, tolerant mindset of love doesn’t feel that God’s love is really love but manipulation. Love is not like Santa but true love has a spine. It can be severe, robust, opinionated, etc.

Next post will cover his final talk on forgiveness.

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Volf on “Giving and Forgiving”


On Saturday I attended Miroslav Volf’s 3 hour talk on the topic of renewing grace and forgiveness in a “culture stripped of grace.” The first talk, “A Culture stripped of grace” he had these things to say:

1. Our culture is oriented around satisfying desires. If you ask a person what makes us flourish, you may get get a blank stare, or, they perceive that flourishing means living with satisfaction. Can we imagine flourishing without met desires? Maybe we should speak of “living well” instead?

2. We have lost some of those things that religion teaches us how to curtail desire. We live in a “grab ass/kick ass world” We grab what we can and take revenge on those who try to take from us or block us from what we think we deserve.

3. We tend to live in 3 (maybe 4?) modes
a. Taking mode (get what we want) Notice that life becomes dull in taking mode and so you need bigger and bigger takes. “Opiate for the people is commercialized culture, not religion.”
b. Investing mode (try to get just a bit more than we get)
c. Exchange mode(rough equivalency of giving and getting). This is where we live most of the time and it isn’t bad
d. Gift mode (giving more than we hope to get). Here he made allusions to bad gift giving which he says is worse than exchange mode.

4. What happens when gift mode shrinks in culture or goes away? Human life is impossible w/o gifting. We cannot pay enough to cover the costs from being raised, for example. We begin to see, when gift mode shrinks, that giving is being a fool, a loser, a sucker. In this current crisis we are afraid not of going hungry but of not being able to have what we want. 

He ended the talk with the question we wants us  to ask: What is our life for? This requires us to think and stop just reacting to desires and culture cues. What is our life for? Is it for me or for giving? How might this current crisis move us to ask this question?

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Filed under church and culture, cultural apologetics, Doctrine/Theology, Forgiveness, sin

Facebooking for 40+ year olds


Have you facebooked yet? If so, you might notice the explosion of users in their 4th and 5th decade of life. It’s become a great way to reconnect with old friends from high school and college. If Myspace was for teens then FB is for adults longing to reconnect in a world where they’ve left so many friends behind. I’m probably a perfect example. I don’t live and don’t visit the town I grew up in. I went to college in two different locations, grad school in two different locations and have moved about 10 times in the last 20 years. So, FB is a great way to reconnect

BUT….a friend and I were talking recently about the downside (besides the temptation to tell the world that you’ve just blown your nose (you know what I’m talking about if you FB) and besides the temptation to spend hours fooling around on the web instead of doing what you are supposed to be doing in your REAL life).

What else could go wrong? You could have those old teen feelings all over again! And worse, you are now (hopefully) more mature and realize what an moron you were back then and now that is all these old friends of yours remember you by!

1. You ask someone to be your “friend” and they ignore you. Do you remember that feeling in highschool?

2. Someone asks you to be their “friend” and your not sure you want to. Maybe they have goods on you and your foolish past. Maybe they’ll decide to remind you of it on your “wall” for the whole world to see.

3. Someone asks you to be their “friend” and you don’t remember them (or vice versa).

4. You join your high school group only to fear that you’ll be ignored–or worse!

Wow, I feel the pimples breaking out all over. No, actually, my FB experience has been just fine. Its good to see God’s handiwork in the lives of individuals–a testament to grace for fools for many of us, including me.

Now get back to your real work!

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Multiethnic Churches II: Some background facts


Before considering a theological apologetic for multiethnic churches or some solutions, let’s first consider some background: 

 

Changing Demographics. The racial profile of near suburban communities are changing (those communities just outside of cities). In my community there has been dramatic change. In the last ten years, nearly 2,000 African Americans have moved into my town while some 4,000 have moved into a neighboring town.  Approximately 15,000 people of color live within 15 minutes of my church (not counting those that live just across the city line one mile away). While we have attracted a few interracial couples and African immigrant families, Black families have not shown up in significant numbers, and those that have may not stay long or become members. 

Lest we become too excited about the presence of interracial couples in predominantly white churches, we should consider why they say they attend these churches. Apparently, these couples find white churches an uneasy, but tolerable, fit. It is hard for either spouse to be a minority but it is less hard for the African American spouse, as they are more used to living in a white world. 

 

Economic Differences? Although census data provide excellent data regarding the change of racial profile of a region, the economic status of new arrivals to a community is a bit less clear. One African American church planter suggested that there are 3 general categories of African Americans in a diversifying suburban community: Upper Class, Blue Collar, Lower Class. The upper class, from his perspective are those who have been in the suburbs for some time and are primarily seeking status in work, house, and church relationships to prove their arrival. He suggested that these folks would be unlikely to attend a White middle-class church, as there would be little status gained in doing so. The middle or blue-collar class folk are those who may also have been in the area for some time and are working hard to maintain their home, and family relationships. The lower class consists of those recently out of poverty and out of the city environment.  He suggested that these individuals would be most inclined to return to church in the city in order to give a sense of familiarity and “déjà vu”. 

 

Worship Culture Differences. It is sobering to note that 97 percent of African Americans and 99 percent of Whites attend racially segregated churches. Some of the reasons for such a divide have to do with church culture differences. The Barna report, African Americans And Their Faith, sheds light on the multifaceted nature of Black worship and faith. People of color are much more likely to feel connected to their church when they perceive it to be a place of refuge, a place that understands and supports them in their struggle against subtle but very real forms of oppression. Would they find such a refuge in a predominantly white church? Would they hear words that communicate an understanding of what it is like to live in their world? Further, African Americans spend twice as much time at church than whites and are inclined to see the church as their extended family. On the whole, they seem less interested in small group bible studies at private homes and more likely involved in small groups that focus on specific ministries (e.g., music, child care, diaconal, etc.).

 

Racism, Stereotypes, Prejudice, Ignorance and the Church. Issues of racism remain at the forefront of minority life. While the more obvious and violent forms (e.g., baseball bats to bodies, burning crosses) are rare, the subtler forms of racism (e.g., institutional) and prejudice are alive and well. First, few whites understand the power of white privilege: the ability to move about in the community without being noticed or suspected of crimes, the ability to have one’s identity be based on more than skin color. Organizational prejudice (e.g., glass ceilings, suddenly filled jobs or apartments, etc.) continue. 

It is fair to ask whether Caucasian churches participate in this kind of behavior? The evangelical church, while not supporting racism and even speaking out against it (though maybe rarely), participates in institutional racism when it remains ignorant or silent about the current painful experiences people of color face. It participates in institutional racism when it individually repents of prejudice but ignores the need for corporate social justice so sadly missing in our society.[1]Dominant culture individuals tend to see reconciliation and justice through the lens of individual behaviors. But when the church ignores people of color in its own community while sending ministry teams to needy individuals in the inner city it may send a message that minorities aren’t in this community but only “over there.” The church participates when it treats minorities as strangers when they have attended the church for some time. The church participates when it sends foreign missionaries to training schools to learn how to contextualize the Gospel but seems unaware or unwilling to engage ethnic minorities living next door. Neglect of race issues, whether from ignorance or from seeing it as not pragmatic or important is a sin and minimizes the fact that the church should be a visible testimony to “God’s wisdom of making Jew and Gentile one creature in Christ.”[2]  Prejudice exists in many White churches today because of the inherent power of being in the dominant culture coupled with the sin if complacency and indifference.  In short, we white folk just don’t have to be concerned about race and racism. 

—-
Next week we will look at some theological encouragement to reconsider the value of multiethnic congregations.


[1] For an historical and sociological review of the Evangelical response to racism, see Emerson and Smith’s Divided by Faith: Evangelical Religion and the Problem of Race in America published by Oxford in 2000.

[2] Ware, p. 28.

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Filed under Christianity, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, Civil Rights, Missional Church, Race, Racial Reconciliation