Category Archives: Abuse

February 16, 2012 · 8:22 am

Is your church prepared to handle an abuse allegation?


I’ve posted a blog for our Seminary’s faculty blog this morning. You can read it here. In it I give a few initial directions for churches seeking to prepare for the nightmare of an abuse allegation against a church member or leader. While these directions are very slim, they at least get congregations moving in the right direction. When we wait to decide how to act in a crisis situation, we are less likely to make good decisions. We may make decisions based on expediency, based on utility, or even based on quieting the problem (much like how the Catholic church handled their abuse cases).

For those wanting much more advice for church communities, consider taking our summer course on the subject: Preventing and Responding to Abuse in the Church.

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February 15, 2012 · 10:12 am

Benefits and liabilities of a benign dictator


I have been thinking about the value and danger of a benign dictator. No, I don’t have secret plans to take over the world. Well…maybe I do but I am well aware of the fact that no one will let me. The real reason I am thinking about this is the result of a book I am reading, called, The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty, by Simon Baron-Cohen (Basic Books, 2011). In addition, I have been thinking about a couple of situations where systems revolved around one person, a cult of personality. These systems worked well and though no one would have referred to the leader as a dictator, the leader held the vast majority of the power and control of the system and, in fact, did dictate how others would function.

Benefits

When you think of a dictator, few positive images come to mind. Maybe you think of Hitler or one of the recently dead world leaders. Not too many warm fuzzies, right? However, dictators or system controllers do have positive value.

  • Things get done. When you don’t have to rely on a committee or a popular vote, you can get things done. The person in power decides something should happen…and it happens. No need for it to get balled up in red tape. If you have ever watched good ideas die in committee you probably fantasized about being given the power to make stuff happen.
  • Legalism can be avoided. We’ve all seen times where  the strict application of a law doesn’t make sense. One law-breaker should get leniency and another should receive the maximum penalty. Statutes and rules rarely give us the kind of wise latitude to make these decisions but a person in power can make decisions that are in the best interests of individuals and communities.
  • A little fear may motivate. Knowing that you serve at the pleasure of the president (or leader) may help you keep alert to slippage. If you know that your leader demands results and if you know that you can’t just lie around and get results, you will likely work a bit harder.

But of course with efficiency, wisdom, and power located in one person, liabilities become obvious,

  • Dictators rarely think their decisions are wrong. If you are inclined to trust your own wisdom, you are less likely to seek out opposing viewpoints. The inner circle of “friends” may not choose to point out when you are wrong for fear of losing status or more. The person in sole power believes they are making the right decisions for the right reasons and will not notice when wisdom fails–as it always does with human frailties.
  • Utilitarianism may not be a good long-term strategy. Powerful leaders may start out with good ideas: raise the status of the poor, achieve safety and stability, efficient production, etc. But finite human wisdom often leads to utilitarian decisions–doing what works or what gets the best result now. So, a president may decide to shut down opposition viewpoints because in doing so people stop bickering and start doing other things that might be more productive. A pastor may decide to coverup a date-rape by his cherished youth pastor. In doing so, he may maintain a sense of comfort for the whole church community. Parents may feel at ease around this leader, the youth group may grow, the media may see the church in a positive light. But, there will be collateral damage. Utilitarian decisions rarely weigh the consequences of those decisions.
  • Empathy erosion will happen. When minority voices are squelched and when groupthink of the inner circle helps a dictator continue to make utilitarian decisions based on short-term goals, the first thing that will die is empathy. The Science of Evil book gets at this issue of empathy erosion. The author explores empathy from biological and sociological perspectives. A worthy read as this author has looks at differences between zero empathy (positive) in individuals with autism and zero empathy (negative) in individuals with personality disorders. He explores how some are able to move from desire to demand and so ignore the impact of our actions on another.

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February 13, 2012 · 1:45 pm

Summer counseling courses announced!


Biblical is offering 2 fantastic summer counseling courses for your consideration.  In both classes, you will walk away with practical tools! Both classes are hybrid (meaning you have both online and in person portions) and can be taken for 1 or 2 credits or for continuing education. Click the attached PDF  for more details: BIB-0112-BFINAL. The classes are:

One Session Coaching: Action Focused Change

Taught by Pam Smith, VP for Student Advancement and Coach

When? July 6-7 at Biblical Seminary: Who should take the course? Counselors and church leaders.

Abuse in the Church: Biblical, Legal, & Counseling Perspectives

Taught by my self and Boz Tchividjian (Liberty Law School, founder of GRACE, and a former child abuse prosecutor)

When? July 20-21 (at BranchCreek Church, Harleysville, PA) Who should take this course? Anyone who wants to see the church a safer place. Breakout sessions will focus on counselors and also church leaders.

Both courses are expected to fill up fast given their practical focus. Sign up ASAP by contacting either,

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January 13, 2012 · 5:43 am

The trick to tolerating that which you cannot change?


Some things can’t be changed. You just have to endure them. There are “little” endurances such as waiting for a line in the grocery store, a dentist to finish drilling your tooth, for a boring speech to end. Then there are much larger endurances to suffer through like living in unabating poverty or under a dictator.

Some of us are better at enduring things than are others. Ever wonder what their tricks they have?

In a word–some variant of dissociation.

If the unpleasantness is likely to be short we may choose to fantasize about a lovely place we’d rather be. We may focus our senses on some other stimuli (temperature, light, color, smell, etc.) in an effort to “quiet” the urge to run. If the unpleasantness is much longer and if we have little sense that we can bring about a change in our situation, then we may lose connection with our current surroundings and our self. While this adaptive feature allows us to survive unimaginable pain, a habituated dissociation will take on a life of its own and begin to change our sense of self and our sense of the world.

In short, we lose faith. We may even stop trying to change what can be changed.

I find this quote by Richard Grant (“Crazy River: Exploration and Folly in East Africa”) about his experience in an overcrowded bus in Tanzania most instructive of the need to dissociate and the long-term impact,

After ten minutes, my right foot was numb and throbbing, and I wanted desperately to shift its position, just by an inch or two, but an inch or two was impossible in the squeeze of other feet and bags, and there were people sittings on the bags, and others standing hunched over at right angles under the roof….The danger and discomfort endured by the passengers was of absolutely no concern to the driver and the assistant, and the passengers endured it with a calm, patient, well-mannered grace. This was normal, everyday life, and the only kind of bus journey they knew. There was an hour to go. I tried to will myself into a blank, passive, indifferent, fatalistic state of mind, which I had come to understand as a basic survival mechanism for the poorest people in this world, although not necessarily helpful for their future. (p. 45-6, emphasis mine)

 

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December 31, 2011 · 12:38 pm

2011 the year of abuse and trauma? Or the year of speaking out?


In our 24/7 news saturated world, we are kept apprised of the traumas around the world: earthquakes, famines, nuclear catastrophes, mass murder, ethnic cleansing, rape as a tool of war. Of recent months, we have heard much about child sexual abuse. Most of what we hear has to do with abuse having taken place years before, sometimes decades ago.

Nonetheless, we could easily label 2011 as the year of abuse allegations against those who were thought to be respectful citizens. This year, the ones that got the most attention were male child sexual abuse allegations.

But I prefer to think about 2011 as the year where child sexual abuse reporting broke through the veil of secrecy. Abuse has been happening ever since our loss of Eden. And cover-ups are the norm. Maybe this year we saw a bit more willingness to speak out about past abuse. That would be a good thing if this continues.

Does it seem to you that we are having more abuse reports? Well, you are not alone in that opinion. Check out this recent Reuters reporting on the uptick of abuse calls to organizations like RAINN and the national Childhelp hotline after the Penn State and Syracuse abuse cases. RAINN reports a 54% increase in contacts and the Childhelp line reports a 20% increase.

Could there be an increase in false allegations? Sure. And every false allegation hurts not just the one being falsely accused but also every abuse victim who may not be believed. However, let us remember that when child abuse was first discussed in psychology (think Freud), it was treated as hysteria. Most allegations are true. It requires too much sacrifice of public dignity, too much loss of family relationships to have many false negatives.

An idea for 2012

How about this year we commit to child safety and prevention of abuse? 2012 as the year the church takes the lead in wholistic  care for abuse victims? This means we speak up when we see inappropriate behavior. We develop appropriate policies (and then carry them out) for all in the church, including pastors. This means we preach and teach on child protection. This means we assess our own attitudes and actions that might support child abuse (e.g., use of porn, failing to hold each other accountable, etc.). Finally, this means talking about restorative justice for victims, hope-building for victims, and care for those who abuse.

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December 23, 2011 · 6:13 pm

Year-end giving opportunities for trauma recovery


Friends,

Just a few days before the end of 2011 some of you may be considering year-end charitable giving ideas. You may not 11.5 million dollars to give away (like Google did to orgs like IJM!) but every dollar counts. Below are some of my suggestions if you are looking to give to trauma recovery efforts both here and around the world. I am absolutely sure there are many more good places that are excellent choices than I list here but I include my favorites and you can feel free to add your favorites in the comments section. I also admit that the first two choices might just directly benefit the work I do.

1. Trauma Training Ministry

A. Biblical Seminary. Yes. Biblical Seminary is involved in global trauma recovery efforts. Readers here will remember my posts about our trip to the DRC and Rwanda this fall. We will be launching trauma recovery training in 2012 (continuing education and graduate studies) by the summer. Look for more info on this site. Read Biblical’s December 2011 appeal letter by me sent to Biblical’s friends and family (sorry didn’t have a pdf version with letterhead). Gifts will support training costs and research.

2. East African Trauma Recovery 

A. She’s My Sister. The American Bible Society is using Scripture to engage individuals and communities suffering through the trauma of ethnic violence, especially women having been raped in the region. Their trauma healing workshops trains pastors and local leaders to be trauma healing facilitators in their own communities and in their own language. I can attest that those who go through the trainings are both active in giving away what they received and changed by what they learn. Click the “give” button on the side and choose how many women you wish to help.

B. DOCS Hospital. A medical ministry providing needed surgeries to women with fistulas as the result of rape in the DRC. They are doing fine work there and are serving many women who cannot control their urination without the repairs being done.

3. Domestic Trauma Recovery

A. The Place of Refuge. A counseling ministry to North Philadelphians. Specializing in trauma counseling work. I have known Elizabeth Hernandez since we first met in a counseling class in 1988. She is a fine woman, expert counselor, and an upright and godly person. Donations to Refuge will absolutely extend their ministry to many abused individuals.

B. GRACE. GRACE is a ministry to educate the christian community about the scourge of sexual abuse. GRACE is also involved in providing direction for victims of abuse and in bringing light to abuse cover-ups. As a board member I can attest to the fine work GRACE does with those reaching out for help in knowing what to do in preventing and responding to abuse in Christian settings.

4. Global Recovery Efforts

A. International Justice Mission. They may have received a large donation from Google for work done in India but they are fighting for freedom and justice for enslaved peoples around the world.

Whether you choose one of these fine ministries or one of your own, consider giving to trauma recovery projects this year.

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December 21, 2011 · 12:20 pm

Sex Offenders v. Sex Abusers: Is there a difference?


Justin Smith (Phoenix Seminary) has written a helpful chapter in The Long Journey Home: Understanding and Ministering to the Sexually Abused where he discusses the characteristics and types of sexual offenders. While we tend to lump everyone who commits a sexual offense into one (despised) category, it is better to differentiate between types of offenses and those who might commit them. More differentiation helps us (a) understand causes of abuse, and (b) treat those who commit them with more competent and compassionate care.

He believes we need to distinguish between those who have abused and those who are sexual offenders. Why? Because if 20-25% of females report abuse along with 10-20% of males, then our current stats that offenders make up 1-2% of the population cannot be accurate. The number (given that abuse is often not reported) must be higher.

If the number of perpetrators of sexual abuse is 20-50 percent of the male population, as opposed to 1-2 percent, then sexually abusive behavior is not that unusual and neither is the sexual abuser. (p. 44)

Not sure I would venture the 50% number in the above quote but the point about abusive behavior isn’t as unusual as we would like to believe.

Before we look at the differences between offenders and abusers, let Dr. Smith set the stage:

If all persons have sexual impulses and the capacity to be manipulative and potentially violent, perhaps the question should be: “Why don’t people offend”? instead of, “Why do people Offend?” “What constrains some people and fails to constrain others?” (p. 45)

Smith suggests 3 main requirements for those who abuse. First, they must disregard boundaries. They disregard social and moral prohibitions, turn off empathy and compassion for the victim, change meanings of words (to coerce), etc. Second, they disregard or deny the distress of the victim. Third, the person must struggle to regulate internal impulses.

Now to our question. Is there a useful way to differentiate offenders from abusers? Is there any value to those of us who work with those who have committed sex crimes?

Having established that sexual abuse covers a wide range of behaviors and undoubtedly involves a significant portion of the population, what can be said about sex offenders? Offenders are a subset of sexual abusers. They have not only committed sexual abuse but they have committed a specific sexual crime as defined by society.  (p. 47)

So, his primary differentiation is this: offenders are those who are caught. Abusers are those who did an offense but weren’t caught.

Now to the question: is this helpful? My answer is yes and no. Yes. When we describe the research on offenders (as Smith does) we are able to differentiate offenders in subsets: those who rape, those who are sadistic, those who offend against family members, children, or strangers. These differences do matter when considering incarceration and treatment. And likely those who get caught are different from the many who may abuse one person or who have more self-control or other factors that keep them from continuing the abusive behavior.

But the answer is also no. Because so many sexual abusers do not get caught, we can’t really say that there is much difference between an offender (one who is caught) and an abuser (one who did not get caught). I doubt it would be possible to gather a population of individuals to study them in comparison to the offenders. Who would sign up for that study?

That said, this chapter and the entire book is a great resource for those wanting more help in their quest to minister and treat survivors of sexual abuse. I am especially pleased with chapter 13 (mine!).

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November 30, 2011 · 5:39 am

Meeting with someone who harmed you: What do you need to know?


Harm. Abuse. Accident. There are any number of ways that one human or an institution can harm another. Some “harm” is intended, others unintended. Some completely accidental, others planned and still others the result of unthinking and self-focused neglect.

How you feel about the harm likely has something to do with your assessment of the motives and intent behind the harmful behavior. Now, imagine for a minute that you were about to meet with someone who harmed you in a significant way. Do you know what their motives were at the time of the harm? Do you know how they think about it now? Further, do you know what you think about concepts such as forgiveness and reconciliation? Repentance?

It is my experience that we sometimes rush individuals to meet and reconcile with someone who has harmed them before gathering some important data. Before you meet with someone who has harmed you, consider the following questions in order to clarify what you think and believe:

1. Of the person who harmed me:

  • the intention behind their harmful behavior and their intention behind this meeting (if they requested it)
    • Did they intend to hurt me?
    • Do they want to apologize? Do they want to blame me?
  • their understanding of harm they caused and their current feelings now
    • Do they really believe they caused me harm?
    • Are they remorseful?
    • Have they made changes in their life so this won’t happen again?
  • their current relationship desires and expectations
    • Are they looking for me to forgive them? To forget? To take ownership of a portion of the problem?
    • Do they expect me to act as if it never happened?
    • Do they want me to release them from the consequences?
    • Do they want an ongoing relationship? Do I have the freedom to choose?

2.Of myself

  • Am I ready to speak the truth in love?
    • Am I tempted to sugarcoat the truth? Rage?
    • Am I tempted to offer forgiveness too quickly, too slowly?
  • Do I see the offender as no different from myself, in need of mercy?
  • Do I know what outcome I desire?
  • Am I willing to give a fair hearing rather than prejudge?
  • Do I know the difference between justice and revenge?
  • Do I know the differences between reconciliation, restitution, restoration, and repentance?
  • Do I know what forgiveness looks and feels like (and what it does not look and feel like)?
  • Do I want to forgive even if the person asking for forgiveness doesn’t seem to get how badly they hurt me?

3. Of the system

  • What are the human system consequences of meeting/not meeting. Similarly, what are the consequences of reconciling/not reconciling, forgiving/not forgiving?
  • What are the system pressures/expectations on me?
  • What promises does God provide in the kingdom system? What protections? What comforts?
  • What expectations does God place on Believers? Does the command to forgive mean to forget or live as if it never happened?

It is important to be prayerful as we answer these questions. The intensity of the meeting and the swirling emotions will make it hard for us to evaluate ourselves, the offender, and the system. The more preparation, the better shot we will for being at peace with our responses to a difficult situation.

 

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November 15, 2011 · 11:42 am

Truth or Lie? Sandusky interview answers and the questions they raise


Did you catch the Bob Costas/Sandusky telephone interview last night as it aired on NBC? I did not but heard a rebroadcast on the radio this morning. If you didn’t hear it and you want to read it, follow this link.

Now, before I begin some exegetical questions, let me say that I am not a forensic psychologist and I don’t play one on TV. I have had graduate coursework on the topic, attended trainings, been supervised in juvenile and adult forensic cases by experts and benefited from the works of Anna Salter.

I also believe that how people answer may sometimes reveal clues to the truth. In other words, people can tell more truth than they intend as they try to lie. I am not saying that I know where Sandusky is lying. I do not. And TV shows that illustrate that “experts” can uncover lies in 30 minutes or less are fun but not particularly factual.

Disclaimers aside…check out some of these interesting exegetical problems (from the website above):

BOB COSTAS: Mr. Sandusky, there’s a 40-count indictment. The grand jury report contains specific detail. There are multiple accusers, multiple eyewitnesses to various aspects of the abuse. A reasonable person says where there’s this much smoke, there must be plenty of fire. What do you say?

JERRY SANDUSKY: I say that I am innocent of those charges.

BOB COSTAS: Innocent? Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect?

JERRY SANDUSKY: Well I could say that, you know, I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts.  I have hugged them and I have touched their leg.  Without intent of sexual contact. But — so if you look at it that way – there are things that wouldn’t — you know, would be accurate.       

“I could say that”? “So if you could look at it that way…”? These suggest that there are some creative ways to look at the facts and that Sandusky is trying to view them from some of these creative ways. Wouldn’t you expect that he would be very straight forward on what did happen. For him, there should be no two ways to view something.

Here’s the next pause I had:

BOB COSTAS: What about Mike McQueary, the grad assistant who in 2002 walked into the shower where he says in specific detail that you were forcibly raping a boy who appeared to be 10 or 11 years old? That his hands were up against the shower wall and he heard rhythmic slap, slap, slapping sounds and he described that as a rape?

JERRY SANDUSKY: I would say that that’s false.

Maybe I’m being picky but, “I would say,” sounds like he is shaping a response. Either it is true or it is false. Wouldn’t you want to shout, THAT IS A COMPLETE LIE, if someone made this false allegation about you? He seems to be saying more than just a denial of McQueary’s allegation. It sure sounds that he is shaping his own reality.

Later he is asked by Costas if he feels guilty for what is happening to all at Penn State. In fact, Costas asks him, he says he doesn’t know what Costas is asking. Costas clarifies with this:

BOB COSTAS: Do you feel guilty? Do you feel as if it’s your fault?

JERRY SANDUSKY: Guilty?

Does he still not get the question? Answering questions with questions is one way that some deflect. It takes a 3rd attempt before he can answer with a “no.”

Later there is this exchange with the same style, using a question to answer a question:

BOB COSTAS: Are you sexually attracted to young boys, to underage boys?

JERRY SANDUSKY: Am I sexually attracted to underage boys?

BOB COSTAS: Yes.

JERRY SANDUSKY: Sexually attracted, you know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But no I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.

Again. Why would one even waffle here for a second. Did he not understand the question that he needed to repeat it? If he is not sexually attracted to boys then he can answer an emphatic NO. Other forms of attraction (filial, ministerial empathy) wouldn’t even come to mind as you deny the allegation.

One of the ways that people lie is that they spend far too much time parsing questions in order to answer truthfully one portion and to ignore another portion so they can comfort themselves with the feeling they are telling the truth.

Now, to be fair to Sandusky. I do not know if his answers reveal that he is lying or that he is just tense and having a hard time with the questions. All I do know is that he answers in a manner similar to those who are known to be lying. Repeat the question; “I would say”; “If you look at it that way”

Bottom line. When we lie, sometimes we tell on ourselves.

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November 14, 2011 · 3:22 pm

Another reason why we don’t report abuse


In the wake of the Penn State scandal I wrote this post about some of the reasons we fail to report abuse. My wife reminded me of one more that I think we have to consider. Beyond our denial, beyond our fear of begin exposed, beyond our desire to protect beloved institutions, beyond our gullibility when winsome abusers confess to little crimes in order to assuage our concerns…there is another reason: guilt.

What guilt, you ask? The guilt in being “the cause” of destroying someone’s career. We know that founded sexual abuse will (should) end someone’s people-helping career. In this regard, sexual abuse is a capital crime. A person might not hang for it but if they now are a convicted sex offender, they probably won’t be able to find employment as a pastor, teacher, counselor, etc.

Notice I put the cause in the previous paragraph in quotes. If we are in the position of reporting a sex offense, we have done nothing to destroy that person’s career. If the offense has been committed, the offender has destroyed their own career and family.

And yet, when we report someone we know, we feel guilty. We may feel as if we are the cause of their loss of their reputation and career. We worry about what will become of their family. How will they ever be able to support their loved ones? What will become of their children? Sometimes the guilt is enough to cause us to waffle. Maybe we can just move them along to a new venue. Maybe starting over will help them put this awful chapter behind them. Maybe they have repented and won’t do it again. Maybe they will make better choices and avoid prior temptations.

In addition, many of us have heard of those who were falsely accused. We have seen or heard of the devastating impact of a lie. And we wonder, what if we are wrong? What if there is another explanation?

So we hesitate. And once we let some time pass, we rarely activate to do the right thing.

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