I’m prepping for my part of the Advanced Marital Class which starts soon. We’ll be looking closely at Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and its dealings with the problems of disconnection in marriages. One of the key issues this therapy tries to address is the need for a secure bond between husband and wife. One particular problem noted by Susan Johnson, one of the originators of the therapy, is the problem of the blamer-withdrawer dance that many couples go through. During conflict, one party pursues/demands/blames while the other party disconnects/withdraws/withholds. While almost every couples has hints of this pattern, distressed couples have lots of the pattern and it may lead even to abusive patterns. Some research on the pattern suggests that women are more likely to demand and men are more likely to withdraw. If this research is true, it begs the question: Why? A recent article in Counseling Psychology (2007, v. 54:2, 165-177) has tried to answer the question (Vogel et al, Sex Differences in the Use of Demand and Withdraw Behavior in Marriage…).
They hypothesized that the the demanding spouse would be the less powerful person in the couple. That is the person who has more needs for the other to change would be more likely to demand said change. What did they find? Very inconsistent data which would suggest that the dance is related to a variety of factors (perceptions of need, personality, learned behaviors, habits) and less related to sex differences.
So, what’s your part in your family relationships?
Musings on Faith and Psychology 
I can see this dance with my husband and I. My father left when I was 13, which I feel makes me very sensitive to perceived abandonment. I’m the pursuer.
My husband’s mother is very dominant, in charge, etc. and my husband was emasculated at an early age. The more I pursue, the more he withdraws. The more he withdraws, the more abandoned I feel. Repeat cycle.
We react to each other as if we were reacting to that parent. Thankfully, we recognized the dance a few years ago, which has helped immensely. Still, I’d prefer a simple waltz! :0 Hope your class goes well.
Glad to hear you’ve found ways to dance in sync. Waltzs are good, but whose going to lead?
Though my mother was very dominant, I turned our more like her than my father who withdrew, while she pursued. Almost married for five years my wife and I have learned to dance; however, the music always seem to change as new life transitions take place. Our dance during her first pregnancy was a change in foot work. The same is true for raising our first child.
I love the illustration of “the dance” as it was introduced to me during a graduate class I took on Family Ministry. “The dance” metaphor captures so much of what makes up the dynamics of a marriage relationship.
Thanks for the blog. Enjoying!
Jmy, Good point. The dance often changes in each situation. One professor I had talked about have 5-6 different marriages (before kids, babies, adolescents, empty nest, etc.)