August 6, 2009 · 5:15 am

Most common sexual dysfunction?


I’m doing some prep for a November talk at CCEF‘s annual conference which I am entitling, “When sex in marriage doesn’t work.” I’ll be giving a brief overview of how counselors can be a help to couples facing sexual dysfunction (whether biological, psychological, or relational). But in my prep today I ran across this little telephone survey result from 2002 where callers asked married men and women between the ages of 40 and 80 about their most frequently experienced sexual problem.

Any guesses yet?

For men, 26.2% reported problems with “early” ejaculation. [No definition given for “early.” Usually early or premature means earlier than he wanted.] Another 22% said the problem was ED. It is interesting that we are bombarded with ED commercials but I can’t say that I’ve ever seen PE treatments advertised in mainstream media. This is probably due to the number of baby boomers with cash seeking to turn back the hands of time.

For women? No surprises. 33% report problems with interest/desire and nearly 22% report problems with lubrication.

Did the respondents seek help? 75% had not.  Another study of men after prostate surgery reveals that those who do seek help quit soon after. Seems that while there are a number of medical and psychological interventions that can help to a degree, nothing turns back the clock to one’s twenties.

A caveat. The researchers only got a 9% response rate for their random calls. Why didn’t more participate? Did those who participated have more or less problems than those who refused?

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August 5, 2009 · 9:26 am

Options for Burned-out pastors


I am working on a talk for pastors and church leaders regarding the problem of conflict with parishioners. One of the surprises for pastors is that Kingdom work means facing attacks from those who are supposed to be on the same side. We know from work with military, NGOs, and missionaries that the most difficult aspect of personal sacrifice is not threats from outside but lack of support from supposed friends and teammates.

So, when a pastor finds him or herself in a conflicted situation and feels burned out, where might that pastor turn? There are a couple of local options for help:

1. C4ML Coaching. As a mission of Biblical Seminary, Mick Noel provides coaching regarding matters of leadership and church culture. His coaching isn’t a substitute for counseling or needed retreat but Rev. Noel is keenly aware of burn-out and church conflicts and can guide the pastor in making a plan to address leadership matters in the church. C4ML also provides opportunities for small cohorts of pastors to meet to discuss how to handle culture change in the church and wider community.

2. ServingLeaders. David Wiedis is an attorney and counselor who provides coaching, consultation, and counseling for ministry leaders. The link will connect you to his thoughts on burn-out.

3. You might consider preventing such burnout by doing some education/personal work with a new ministry called, The Identity School for Christian Ministry. Rev. Bob Miller is offering material he believes is absent from most MDiv programs but necessary for survival in the pastorate. The courses are described on the website and run for 2 days at a time.

4. Retreats. There are a number of locations that provide retreats. Use your search engine to discover these. Some are low cost, some are free if they accept your application. Some leave you alone while others provide counseling and/or coaching. While retreats are good in that they provide a break, unless there is a change in how the situation is being approached, the pastor should not expect miracles.

5. Counseling. Lastly, a good spiritual director or counselor ought to be able to guide the pastor in personal assessment, re-orienting priorities, and choosing a new response set to the difficult situation.

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Filed under Biblical Seminary, christian counseling, christian psychology, Christianity: Leaders and Leadership, church and culture, conflicts, pastoral renewal, pastors and pastoring

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August 3, 2009 · 1:04 pm

Itchy?


I have poison ivy. During the day I’m able, sort of, to distract from the constant itch. I want to scratch but I refuse to give in to the temptation. But at night, the itch seems to quadruple in strength. It screams at me: “Scratch me NOW!” And without much thought, I scratch away. Further, itches appear in other spots and I begin to wonder if I will have breakouts elsewhere. Did I touch my eye? What if it shows up there? Oh, and there’s that itch in my groin…” Certainly my mood takes a hit.

This experience got me thinking about cognitive/emotional and relational “itches” that all of us have. They may be desires, fears, beliefs, etc. During the day work enables us to set them aside for a time. But then evening arrives and with less to distract us, they come rushing at us with a vengeance. And we begin to scratch at the itch by ruminating, fantasizing that you have a different life, predicting the worst outcome, impulsively trying to get rid of the problem, or drowning with alcohol, food, or media.

What is your “itch?” Do you have mechanisms to deal with the itch without making it worse by “scratching?” How might you identify the underlying beliefs and “conversations” you have with the itch that make it much more difficult to deal with?

Soon, my poison ivy will be long gone. But many of our emotional itches never stop. Like Nash in the movie version of “A Beautiful Mind”, the itch did not go away even though he was able to distance himself from it and remind himself that he did not need to respond to it.  

This is a part of what it means to “take every thought captive.”

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July 31, 2009 · 8:46 am

The grace of restriction?


I admit it, I hate restrictions. I like the freedom to do what I want. When someone tells me I can’t do something, I want to do it all the more. Have you ever wanted to NOT “keep off the grass” just because the sign was there? Or, have you thought you should be able to handle saying no to a great temptation all by yourself?

In working with men who have done things that have caused their loved ones or church community to trust them less, I sometimes see significant push back when it comes to natural consequences or restrictions put in place to protect the man from himself.  These push backs come in the form of

  • But I said I was sorry. Why won’t you forgive me?
  • You don’t believe in grace. If you did you wouldn’t keep me from having free access to the church (said by a convicted sex offender)
  • I shouldn’t have to have someone checking up on me or controlling my Internet access. If I don’t control myself and say no, then I’ll never learn to do it myself.

This last one is a bit murky. On the surface, the man is accurate. If he doesn’t learn to manage his own impulses, the moment he isn’t under restriction, he’s likely to act out. But here is the deeper issue. He doesn’t want restrictions because he sees them as painful reminders of his past transgressions.

Let me suggest that grace comes in the form of limits and restrictions. A man who abused his power as public school teacher and sexualized a child has served his time. He loves children and “only” offended once. He wants to work with kids in his church and is angry that the church has said no. “But I’m gifted with helping troubled children and I’ve had 15 years of great reports and plenty of parents who tell me they would trust me with their children. Why can’t I do what God made me to do?”

Now, there may be some explanation as to how this man might not ever be a threat again. And yet, might he also realize that restrictions from certain populations of people might actually be a grace to him–a freedom from temptation, from deception, from stresses that formerly led him down a path of fantasy and rumination about being a hero to children?

I haven’t worked this out fully in my head but I do think there can be much grace in restriction. I certainly see my children receiving a grace from not being allowed to watch certain shows or have unfiltered Internet access.

What grace have you received from a restriction? Was it both a blessing and a suffering?

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July 28, 2009 · 9:39 am

Rwandan coffee


I was sent this link to a video for “Hope for a Thousand Hills” by one of my travelmates. This is a ministry based in New Jersey that is trying to restore a coffee plantation in Western Rwanda. In doing so they are trying to enable restoration of the people.

I can attest that Rwandan coffee is some of the best I have ever drunk. While there I purchased two different types and both were smooth yet full bodied. If you are a coffee lover, I highly recommend trying some if you can. If you just want to support a ministry in Rwanda, then the ministry above is worth your review.

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July 26, 2009 · 8:52 pm

What should Christian counseling look like?


 I posted this little item for my last guest blog at www.christianpsych.orgfor the month of July. In it I mention “Christian Counseling: An Introduction” by Malony and Augsburger (2007).

And no, I don’t say what it should look like–merely a comment that we still need to figure out how we handle the faith/science dichotomy that we’ve been handed all these years.

Those who have been around wisecounsel for a while will remember I blogged through each chapter. If you are interested in seeing those posts, just use the search engine on this page to find posts mentioning Malony.

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July 23, 2009 · 4:54 pm

Healing experience of Peter?


Yesterday’s commment about Paul and possible suffering he might have experienced from intrusive memories of past murderous actions got some fun dialogue going here and on Fb. So, in light of the summer doldrums, let’s try another provocative thought. While neither this one nor the yesterday’s musing is based on the actual text (rather they are musings about the personal experience of two apostles), I think they are still fun to consider.

*in chapter 18 of John, the story of Peter’s thrice denial of Jesus is told to us. We are told he is warming himself around a communal fire during this episode. Fast forward to chapter 21. Jesus is now resurrected, has met with the disciples in Jerusalem and now meets the disciples in Galilee after a night of fishing on the Lake. Verse 9 tells us that when the disciples landed and saw Jesus, he was standing beside a charcoal fire cooking fish. What transpires next is Jesus thrice asking Peter if he loved him followed by the command to feed and care for “my sheep.”

Is it purposeful that the only two times in the book of John that charcoal fires are mentioned are these two? What memories does it evoke in Peter as he sees Jesus by it and smells the fire. Does it trigger a way of shame? Had they yet to talk about his denials? Was Peter hanging back? Was Jesus three questions intended to undo the damage done by Peter’s 3 denials?

Clearly, we can say that Jesus’ questions hurt Peter (the text tells us this) but we don’t know the nature of that hurt. What we do know is that humans often carry with them visceral reactions to triggers that bring them back to shameful past events. We don’t know that is what happened to Peter but it might well have.

We can also say that sometimes it is appropriate to have symbolic healing experiences that help commemorate and change our experience of something. I would caution those too enthused with ushering in healing with half-baked re-experiencing moments. And yet, I suspect we all have had some postive, even painful experience that resolved a negative experience from the past.

*This idea did not originate from me. I heard a pastor begin a sermon on this passage by remembering his own traumatic experience (bike accident) and how he physically remembered that accident when his young children were biking. He then mused about Peter’s reactions with Jesus in this passage. He did not suggest the text tells us much here but it was worthwhile considering how we respond when facing memories of past negative and shameful events.

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July 22, 2009 · 11:17 am

Did Paul struggle with past memories?


On Sunday Steve Light preached from Acts regarding the conversion of the Apostle Paul. Prior to his conversion he was known to be one seeking the death of Jewish followers of Jesus. He witnessed and may have provided support for the stoning of Stephen. Upon his conversion those Christians in his circles were wary of whether he was a changed man or merely using it as a ploy to disrupt new churches. These folks had visceral reactions to such a person because they had likely experienced great suffering and distress by Paul’s hand.

Today, Christians generally think positive thoughts about Paul. He is the human author of most of the NT. His words give instruction, comfort, rebuke. We know he was a former violent man but we don’t experience him that way.

SO, here’s my question. Do you think Paul suffered from unwanted or painful memories of past actions? How did it impact him? We know very little about this from Scripture. Yes, Paul admits his past. He thanks God for unmerited grace and favor. But, he doesn’t address the existence of memories.

My thought? I think it is very human to remember shameful acts we have done. In fact, let me be bold enough to say we must remember them if we are to be human. The bigger question is rather HOW we remember them? Volf’s The End of Memory (which I have blogged through here some time ago) is instructive in answering this question. 

How do you remember shameful images or memories of your past? Do they hold you back from relationships? Do they keep you paralyzed? Are you constantly trying to better yourself to make up for the past?

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July 20, 2009 · 5:59 pm

Evaluating Models of Counseling


I’m a little late to post this here but I am the Society of Christian Psychology’sguest blogger of the month. Here’s the post that I put up for today on how to parse the next hot new model of counseling you come across. Check it out at:

http://christianpsych.org/wp_scp/2009/07/20/evaluating-models-of-christian-psychology/

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July 19, 2009 · 5:05 pm

Rwanda Pictures


I have a large number of pictures from Rwanda but none had me in them. So, I’ve borrowed a few from Josh to prove I was actually there. Here’s two:

Our host’s retreat home

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After church greetings

rwanda3

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