I watched the PBS special on Jim Jones and the Jonestown massacre that aired last night. I was struck by several things that at the same time disturbed and sobered me: Continue reading
Category Archives: self-deception
Jim Jones’ (People’s Temple) deception revisited
Filed under Abuse, Cultural Anthropology, Historical events, self-deception
Are you a humble person? 7 habits to consider
We all struggle with self-righteousness. We see other’s sins and wish they would stop doing them. Often our vision of their flaws are quite detailed and correct. Yet, how do we maintain a balance between seeing other’s sins and seeing our own.
Humility.
Here’s a list of habits humble people need to cultivate. It was made by Cornelius Plantinga at a CCEF conference 2 years back.
1. Accept ordinary deficiencies with good will and good humor without feeling threatened or needing to say something about it. (Does it feel like it reflects poorly on you when others close by (family!) have deficiencies?)
2. Ask a lot of questions because this is the way of wisdom
3. Wait for an invitation. Don’t presume your life will be fascinating to other people
4. Be a good receiver of gifts and graces from God and others; be willing to be indebted and grateful
5. Don’t try to make a child over into your image. Children aren’t projects
6. Be filled with irony and humor, especially about yourself and your own humility
7. Own up to your sins without explanation or defense
A good start…now if only I could remember…
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Filed under Cognitive biases, self-deception
Euphemisms: Using language to hide evil
I want to share some lines from a statement purportedly made (dated 12/15/06) by the outgoing Ambassador John R. Miller, Director of the Office to Monitor and Combat Trafficking in Persons. These lines are an excellent example of how the use of names/euphemisms cover up the reality of grotesque evil. [NOTE: I received a pdf document with Miller’s signature from a reputable source but I can’t validate it by finding it on the U.S. Department of State website. If someone locates this statement, let me know.]
It is my belief that we image God when we follow in Adam’s footsteps naming things as we see fit (Gen. 2:19-20). But unlike Adam (at the time of naming the animals), we are fallen creatures–prone to distorting names and calling things that are evil by flowery or neutral names. In fact, that is exactly what the Serpent does to Adam and Eve. He calls eating the forbidden fruit “seeking wisdom” when it is really a coup d’etat.
Enter Ambassador Miller’s statments. Here are some excerpts: Continue reading
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Filed under Abuse, Cognitive biases, Great Quotes, News and politics, self-deception, suffering
Read the Haggards’ letters to New Life Church
Check out http://tallskinnykiwi.typepad.com/ to see a pdf version of both Ted and Gayle Haggard’s letters to their church. I thought they were both exceptionally well written. Unlike many “apologies”, Ted actually takes ownership and doesn’t defend anything he’s done or get too focused on the parts in the media that might not be true. He also makes it clear that he’s not going to be coming back to New Life church as a pastor. That will help the followers not engage in the fantasy that he’ll come back and everything will go back to the way it was. Gayle Haggard’s letter is poignant as well. They both list prayers that we ought to be willing to undertake.
Its unfortunate but true that in the light of Truth, we see and grieve the destructive nature of our sins. Now if only we would remember that agony before we deceive ourselves the next time…I guess that is some of the difference between repentence and mere confession. If only I could remember!
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The reasonableness of sin: Why what I do isn’t so bad
Ever notice how our sins are a reasonable response to our situation? We attack/defend with hurtful words because someone offended and slandered us. We overeat because we are lonely. We punish our kids because they make us crazy. We give the cold shoulder because someone didn’t keep their promise. We cheat on our taxes because the government wastes our money.
In my counseling office, I frequently hear the context given behind someone’s destructive behavior, especially in couple or family conflicts. The set up goes like this: “Can you believe just how evil this person/organization is? This is what they did. I know I shouldn’t have done ______ but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to say something.” (read: I had to drop the bomb that would allow me to be vindicated, get the upper hand, point out how their sins are far worse than my own).
Its Adam and Eve all over again. “It was the woman…” Its Saul all over again. “Well, I destroyed most of the booty and I only brought these back for a sacrifice to God.” We find our sin reasonable to us. And so our “repentance” to others and to God sounds like, “Yes, but…”
Why do we want to be vindicated? Why are we so willing to engage in black/white thinking about other people’s bad behavior and yet we want our own behavior excused due to circumstances? Funny, we never get what we want, but we keep trying all the same.
Its the actor-observer error (or called by some as the fundamental attribution error) whereby we explain other’s bad behavior as a result of their bad character (Its because you’re a jerk!) and our own bad behavior as a result of our situation (its not really me. Its your fault!)
Lord have mercy.
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Filed under Cognitive biases, self-deception, sin
The absurdity of sin: Calling garbage a delight
[Samaria] engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians–warriors clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen. She gave herself as a prostitute to all the elite of the Assyrians and defiled herself with all the idols of everyone she lusted after. She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust upon her. Therefore I handed her over to her lovers, the Assyrians, for whom she lusted. They stripped her naked, took away her sons and daughters and killed her with the sword. She became a byword among women, and punishment was inflicted on her.
Her sister [Jerusalem] saw this, yet in her lust and prostitution she was more depraved than her sister. She too lusted after the Assyrians–governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, mounted horsemen, all handsome young men. I saw that she too defiled herself; both of them went the same way. But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans portrayed in red, with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea. As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. Ezekiel 23:5-21
Everyone knows how insane it would be for a person to look fondly upon rape or sexual assault. And yet, this is exactly what we do when we savor lustful thoughts and secret sins. Unfortunately, we have amnesia just like Samaria and Jerusalem. Continue reading
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Filed under Meditations, self-deception, sin
How a secret can kill you
The news here is still all about the tragic killing of the Amish girls by a 32 year old husband, father, and church goer. News media report that he had a 20 year old secret of molesting family members that he could no longer handle. Don’t know if it is true, but it wouldn’t be surprising if it was. A secret sin/trauma eats away at us like cancer. We live a private hell while pretending to others that nothing is the matter. Some can maintain the front for a long time, but the cancer will will win every time if it is not treated.
An interesting thing tends to happen. In an effort to avoid exposing our secret, we wall it off from others (and sometimes from self). But we actually make it grow in meaning and power. It becomes unforgiveable (even if our outward theology would deny this fact), something for which we can never receive comfort and peace. Over time, it grows into other areas of our lives and makes every thing we do relate to the secret. Its no surprise that our logic and bodies break down over time.
Don Miller in Blue Like Jazz writes of a friend who had 2 secret affairs. He probably didn’t want to confess his sin to his wife on the basis that it would hurt her (or maybe because he would lose her). But really, he didn’t want to accept grace. Miller described the terrible effects of the secret on the man,
He said he would lie down next to his wife at night feeling walls of concrete between their hearts. He had secrets. She tries to love him, but he knows he doesn’t deserve it. He cannot accept her affection because she is loving a man who doesn’t exits. He plays a role. He says he is an actor in his own home. (p. 22)
Miller goes on to say later (p. 86),
I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God’s love, I cannot love him in return, and I cannot obey him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God’s love will. The ability to accept God’s unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey him in return. Accepting God’s kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers…this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God.
Sounds about right.
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Filed under News and politics, self-deception, sin
Christian cancer: How gossip is killing the Church
Did you know that there is a form of Christian cancer. Its also known by another name: self-righteous gossip. It shows up in prayer meetings, board meetings, side bar conversations, “processing” with a friend, and yes, therapy sessions. It is found in Christian institutions where we discuss who has the best vision, is the most doctrinally sound, or has the most maturity. It spreads quickly from the heart over the tongue and in just a few minutes, it can be around the country. It tends to increase cynicism, egotism, the freedom to sin against a worse sinner without penalty, to justify our own flaws, etc. I see the impact: bitterness, stalling ministries, backbiting, etc.
I confess I am prone to have a case of it. As a counselor I hear all sorts of pain and brokenness in Christian circles. One pastor lacks integrity, another leader is a megalomaniac, another provides dangerous, superficial counseling, another has a farce of a marriage. How will I handle it? Will I tell a trusted friend? Will I “process” with my wife? Where is the line between needed debriefing and gossip? I fear I’m far too willing to cross it at work, church, and the neighborhood. In a discussion of church vision, we criticize the pastor/elders. In a driveway conversation, we discuss the neighbor’s recent arrest, In an office discussion, we discuss a colleague or board member’s missteps.
Where do you think the line is? Is the amount of time spent discussing vs. praying for? Is it the attitude? Is it something else?
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Filed under ethics, self-deception, sin
Self-deception: the first step toward leader abuse
Last week, I listed 3 statements about sexual entanglements of Christian leaders with their followers that I think must be better understood (i.e., these entanglements ought to be seen as abuse, we have to avoid black/white thinking about such labels as abuser and victim, deception is what powers us and blinds us to the abuse issues). I want to tackle this last one first. In almost every leader “fall” I’ve been connected to, each leader saw it as mutual and not one sided. This is not surprising since even pedophiles tend to see their relationships as mutual or even brought on by the child. How is this possible? The long practice of self-deception. Continue reading
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Filed under Abuse, self-deception
Labeling Abuse
Manipulate. Coerce. Abuse. Offend. Victimize. Sin. Which word would you like to use when you face your sinful behavior towards another whom you hold some form of power? Once in a course, a DMin student suggested we just call domestic violence (punching a hole in the wall next to the person you are in a rage about) sin rather than call it abuse. Somehow sin is more palatable.
Misuse of power = abuse. Agree or disagree? I would agree. However, this means that more of us have to admit to being abusive (I suspect this is different from saying that someone is an abuser—a repeat offender). Using a martyr complex to manipulate someone to do something they don’t want to. Is that abuse? Threatening to do harm. Is that abuse? Using one’s position (spiritual, work, or other authority) to get something that you want. Is that abuse?
I’ve been doing lots of thinking about sexual entanglements between Christian leaders, pastors, teachers and their followers, parishioners, and students. I’m going to make 3 categorical statements and then try to back them up in future posts:
- Illicit sexual (sexualized) relationships between Christian leaders and their followers ought to be categorized as abuse/abusive and not affairs. This is important to understand the impact and effects of this kind of action even if not important to help abusive individuals grow in their understanding of their actions.
- Nothing is categorically black and white but that is what we want for comfort sake. Abuse is other people like pedophiles. There are dangers it over and under utilizing the label of abuse. The church has definitely under-utilized it. But there are swing dangers
- Deception, minimization, and a sense of personal weakness all work together to make abusive actions feel mutual and not abusive
I will also provide some reading material links to the issue of power. I think we must understand that concept in order to understand how power misused turns into abuse.
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Filed under Abuse, self-deception
Musings on Faith and Psychology 