In my last post I talked about the emotional/relational dance that all couples do. Someone usually is the pursuer (who may tend to be critical as well), the other withdraws and disengages. This dance isn’t always pathological but might lead either to chronic attack or cold war.
But assume for a minute that the couple wants to develop a healthier dance. What could they do? What might be one thing that would really advance the relationship into a more positive way? Continue reading
I’m prepping for my part of the Advanced Marital Class which starts soon. We’ll be looking closely at Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and its dealings with the problems of disconnection in marriages. One of the key issues this therapy tries to address is the need for a secure bond between husband and wife. One particular problem noted by Susan Johnson, one of the originators of the therapy, is the problem of the blamer-withdrawer dance that many couples go through. During conflict, one party pursues/demands/blames while the other party disconnects/withdraws/withholds. While almost every couples has hints of this pattern, distressed couples have lots of the pattern and it may lead even to abusive patterns. Some research on the pattern suggests that women are more likely to demand and men are more likely to withdraw. If this research is true, it begs the question: Why? A recent article in Counseling Psychology (2007, v. 54:2, 165-177) has tried to answer the question (Vogel et al, Sex Differences in the Use of Demand and Withdraw Behavior in Marriage…). Continue reading
Filed under conflicts, marriage, Uncategorized
Musings on Faith and Psychology 