Category Archives: book reviews

February 13, 2008 · 12:35 pm

Integrative Psychotherapy V


Now here in chapter 4 of Integrative Psychotherapy, McMinn and Campbell are starting to map out their 3 domained model of persons and psychotherapy. As an aside, the next chapter will cover how to do assessment and case conceptualization within this model and the remaining 6 chapters (excluding the conclusion) will be spent exploring each domain and how to apply the concepts into practice (2 chapters per domain). Should be a fun ride.

If you will recall from their chapter 1, they imagine the imago dei as a good rubric of the nature of persons and as best described by its functional, structural, and relational aspects (i.e., behavior, cognitive/moral, and relational aspects). They note that most therapy models tend to address one of these 3 domains problems: cognitions and challenging distorted thinking/acting, schema or insight-oriented work, and relational/experiential work. Instead of separating these domains, McMinn and Campbell define them as necessary and interconnected. “A person engages in functional behavior because of certain structural capacities, and similarly, relationships influence a person’s [behaviors and schemas].” (p. 115)

I think the best way to understand the interconnected parts of their model is to see it. Page 136 offers a nice illustration (Thanks Mark for making this available.). Note how behaviors, thoughts and feelings are influenced by situations but also arise out of core beliefs/schema and relational experiences. Note also the dark arrows depict the common path of influence but that feed-back loops are in play as well. Though I wish they gave more detail here how the domains interrelate (that would be a very fat personality text!), they do a fine job illustrating what they mean by discussing the case of “James,” a man who suffers with anxiety and things his value comes from meeting others’ expectations.

Domain 1 (Functional/behavioral) lends itself to symptom reduction and skill-building activities (the heart of cognitive-behavioral therapy). A counselor might address how James might learn so anxiety reduction techniques. But stopping here leaves James and the counselor wanting more. Why does James view himself and the world this way? Where do these distorted views come from? McMinn and Campbell recognize that these views are very hard to disrupt because they are so well-engrained through experiences. Domain 2 (Structural) then looks deeper to settled core beliefs using insight-oriented techniques to expose unconscious schemas that might uncover how these schemas got started (we learn, among other things, that James’ father was harsh and that he made some understandable but problematic choices/interpretations that now lock him in a pattern of perceiving himself as a failure–even though this view violates his own Christian belief).

Domain 3 (Relational). IP recognizes that formative relationships shape our schemas AND that the formative relationship between client and counselor provides experiences to shape and reshape our experience of self, other, and God, mirroring the incarnation of Christ.

Throughout this chapter the authors show how the IP 3 domain model is similar and different from standard CT. Yes CT is interested in reducing distorted thinking and building life skills. But IP also values insight and experiential aspects to therapy and provide additional opportunities to expose settled core beliefs (See p. 132 for a great chart illustrating how IP stands as a bridge between CT and insight-oriented models). IP attempts to show how the interconnections of situations, past experiences, developed core beliefs, habits, etc. illustrate both determinism (stuff outside us shapes us significantly) AND human agency (our choices also shape us). They also explain that classic CT has not done a good job explaining how relationships, motivation, emotions and culture play in person development. Further IP is not merely CT with some additions because it is built on a Christian view of persons (creation, fall, redemption, imago dei, etc.)

MY THOUGHTS AND ONE QUESTION: Now, we are getting into the meat of their model. It is good to hear their theoretical foundations in previous chapters but now McMinn and Campbell show us how they see how humans develop. While acknowledging the Fall, here’s what I see about their view:

1. Humans are intrinsically motivated to move toward God and long for a proper relationship to God, others, and creation.
2. The fall brings misery, brokenness, and difficulty (our fundamental problem is broken relationships)
3. Fallen humans are ripe for cognitive distortion.
4. When good longings (see pt. 2) are not met, we make bad but understandable choices (even adaptive at the time) and interpretations which lead to formative experiences that we interpret in distorted ways which in turn lead to more cognitive, moral/schema, and relational problems.

Classic Reformed theology suggests we NOT ONLY inherit a broken world, we also inherit Adam and Eve’s desire to be on par with God. We have an intrinsic motivation to be God and our denial of God comes out of this motivation (Rom 1). So here’s my question (in 2 parts):

1. Do we begin with good longings that we attempt to meet in naive and foolish ways (a la James in chapter 4), OR do we begin at birth to read things in distorted ways because we are looking to be our own God? Or both
2. Does this distinction matter? How would it impact our therapy model or application?

Calvin seems to support both ideas. He says our heart are idol factories AND he says our problem is not so much what we want/desire, but how much we want it. Notice that if you emphasize the “bad response to a bad situation” then it might end up dismissing personal culpability. However, if you emphasize the “bad heart seeks self promotion” then it might end up missing the all important influence passed on from a broken world and thereby blaming people for being sinned against.

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February 6, 2008 · 1:15 pm

Integrative Psychotherapy IV


In chapter 3 of Integrative Psychotherapy, McMinn and Campbell provide a nice overview of a significant portion of their theoretical foundation–Cognitive therapy. They begin by discussing the so-called cognitive revolution in the 1960s (over against mechanistic behaviorism and the prior king, psychoanalysis). They remind us how this revolution continues to shape the landscape of mental health (empirically-validated treatments, short-term therapy, self-help books, etc.).

Going into more detail, McMinn and Campbell divide Cognitive therapies into 2 broad categories: Semantic Cognitive Therapy (SCT) and Constructivist Cognitive Therapy (CCT). What is the main difference between the two? SCT’s premise is that people attribute feelings to the events/circumstances in their life, but only simplistically–overlooking their interpretive thoughts about the situation. The authors provide this common diagram: Events -> Thoughts -> Feelings. SCT is designed to help folks critique their thought patterns and evaluate their rationality. Once this happens, it is supposed that individuals will then have more control over their feelings. They mention Albert Ellis’ REBT model: Activiating event -> Belief -> Consequential emotion. This leads to his treatment: Disputing irrational beliefs -> revised cognitive Effect. They also mention Aaron Beck’s additions to SCT in his description of Core Beliefs that color one’s view of the world and self and are highly resistant to change. While there are some benefits to SCT (revealing our tendencies to assume the worst, making mountains out of molehills) McMinn and Campbell find this model to oversimplify “the complexities of human change.” (p. 85).

CCT began to develop in the later 80s and 90s, per the authors, to address the problem of linearity in SCT. Instead of merely assuming that we react to events, CCT recognizes that how we shape events and feelings can also shape interpretations. “Our beliefs do not simply reflect a passive understanding or misunderstanding of reality; they actually change reality…” (p. 86). From this point, the authors go into a sidebar apology on constructivist philosophy, but not radical constructionism. “One can still believe in external authority and truth while acknowledging that human processes influence the actual events of everyday life.” Also, “Christians can and should accept the premise that personal values and perceptions of reality end up changing reality itself.” (p. 87) Unfortunately, CCT sputters and fades because of a new focus on Empirically Validated Therapies which are based on SCT models.

The remaining 20 pages of the chapter provide the authors’ critique of the the CT foundations and model. On the plus side, they see how CT has a lot of commonsense to it, has clear goals/objectives in focus, is time-limited, and supported by scientific research. As a model it does not have a deterministic mindset. Rather, CT believes in at least partial human agency–you can change how you think, see, feel, etc. You are not merely robotically determined by your past. On the negative side, they acknowledge that CT is rather disconnected from well thought out foundations. They call it a practical response to the frustration of analytic models. CT is, in their words, free-floating interventions without the foundation of a good theory. Further, they point out several false premises within CT and support with examples to the contrary: healthy people think rationally, cognitive errors are usually negative, healthy, rational people eliminate negative emotion, thoughts come before feelings, and we are motivated to be more rational. Finally, they charge CT with being “pragmatic rationalism” (I’d call it pragmatic modernistic rationalism) and point out the problem that it doesn’t deal well (at least as originally designed) with the importance of feelings, relationships, culture, fallen human condition, values, etc. in the process of change. They also point out that some of the Christian versions of CT fall into some of these false premises as well. “The Christian narrative is not primarily about correcting sloppy or ineffectual thinking. We are not taught in Scripture that the path to wholeness is found in better thinking. The bible is a narrative about humans being created for relationship with God and one another, struggling because those relationships are now tainted by the devastating effects of sin, and living with the hope of creation restored.” (p. 109).

My thoughts: I’m glad to see they critiqued the problems in CT. In fact, they did it so well, I’m surprised they didn’t do much more to defend why they keep it rather than looking for an entirely new model. Maybe that will get explained in the next chapters. They avoid the simplistic view that CT is similar to the put off/put on message of the bible. I’m glad they presented the material in the SCT vs. CCT description. I did wonder why CCT didn’t take off given its affinity with postmodern philosophies of science. I would quibble with their bible passages used to defend a chastened constructivism. I have no problems defending a form of social constructionism. But, the passages picked from 1 Peter have more to do about the fact that we influence others than about whether our assumptions about the world construct a portion of reality. I would have liked to see them build a more christian or theological model for CCT and relating it to emotions and narratival therapies. I understand the chapter was already getting long but I would have also like to see them connect the dots in other therapies that have cognitive features (e.g., emotion-focused therapy, Mindfulness, etc.).  

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January 30, 2008 · 11:09 am

Integrative Psychotherapy III


In chapter two of Integrative Psychotherapy, McMinn and Campbell attempt to set our their foundation for psychotherapy. You’ll remember that in the last chapter they articulated their theological foundation. This chapter nicely divides into two parts: (a) A defense of the science of psychotherapy, and (b) a summary of what is “known” about the what works, when, and why.

They begin the chapter by admitting that there are many competing and dispirit theories/models of psychotherapy–many which have never been tested through empirical means despite lofty claims. They also acknowledge that many Conservative Christians have cherry picked certain studies that show that psychotherapy is ineffective and ignored many others that say the opposite. In other words, anyone can find a stat to prove whatever they want.

McMinn and Campbell remind their readers that they intend to build a Christian Psychotherapy model built on a robust Christian worldview and fleshed out with scientific methods to tell us, “what works, whey, and why” (p. 56). They lament that since both scientists and theologians aren’t known for their humility, a robust Christian psychotherapy model has not really been built. Collective wisdom is needed to accomplish the goal.

Then the authors turn to some of the details about the science of psychotherapy? Is it really effective? They summarize some of the effectiveness and efficacy studies (these are different: effectiveness: client survey; efficacy: lab studies of very specific interventions on one particular problem). Back in the 1950s Hans Eysenck published a number of studies reporting, “there was no research evidence to support the effectiveness of psychotherapy compared to no-treatment control groups” (p. 57). By 1980, however, there was ample evidence to the contrary. In fact, McMinn and Campbell report, “that the average effect size for psychotherapy is .82 indicating that the average treated is less symptomatic than 80% of untreated persons” (p. 58). They then compare that number with the effect size of certain medications on psychiatric problems (stimulants for ADHD: .91, SSRIs for Depression: .50, Atypical Antipsychotics for Schizophrenia: .25).    

Does any one model work better than another? The authors report the oft-heard conclusion: no one model seems more effective than another. And yet, at the end of this chapter they state their preference for Cognitive theory models (due to the research published about cognitive techniques) joined to aspects of client-centered models and other aspects of psychotherapy research. In olden days, we called this eclectic. They do not call it that, most likely due to the negative connotations associated with the word (it has often been used to cover up the lack of theoretical awareness of the clinician using the term).

Before they end the chapter, they consider whether length of treatment matters. They do not really do much with this question other than to point out that most therapeutic courses are much shorter these days. They also consider the question whether therapy benefits last. Again, they don’t cite the literature but state the that certain factors will make it more or less likely for the benefits to last.

They speak briefly about two more important matters in the consideration of the effectiveness of psychotherapy: (a) recognizing that common threads of the change process (insight, affective experience, stages of change, behavioral change, etc.) and point to the works of Prochaska and DiClemente, and (b) common factors in all models of therapy that seem to account for success. They cite date regarding these factors (and the percentages the factor accounts for for therapy outcome) as

  1. Client and extratherapeutic factors (40%). Such as intelligence, motivation for change, persistence, social support, resiliency, etc.
  2. Relationship between client and therapist (30%). This is why program emphasize relational skills over techniques or models
  3. Hope/expectancy (15%). How much hope does the client have in the possibility of change?
  4. Model/Technique (15%). Notice that the learning of special therapeutic techniques only account for a small portion of the outcomes in psychotherapy.

My thoughts on this chapter. Nothing out of the ordinary here. The chapter follows conventional wisdom about the science of therapy. The reader who wants to go deeper can look look at their bibliography and dig pretty deep. The reality is that though we think we know a number of things, the research on psychotherapy is complex and sometimes controversial. This is not to say that we know nothing. But we do have a long way to go. I might have liked to see some more discussion on what we as yet do not know but really want to. Further, I would have also liked a short discussion of philosophy of science. Why? Just as we need to be tentative about some of our theological underpinnings, so we ought to be a bit tentative about the modernist underpinnings of psychological research. I don’t think they are overstating their case yet, but the reader may view these two disciplines (theology and psychology) as one having only theory and the other only fact.

I do hope that they will take a look at the presuppositions of cognitive theory in the next chapter. How does that model influence what they see? 

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January 24, 2008 · 5:51 am

A nation of speech making?


Am really enjoying Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Team of Rivals which details the lives of Abraham Lincoln and his rivals for the Republican nomination for president. She writes well, keeps it moving, but includes great stories about the shaping of each of the characters’ lives. I’m left with two thoughts: (a) I know not the suffering of that era. So much death and loss by many at young ages; (b) The drive of these men to learn, read and memorize the bible and the classics under such difficult circumstances. Our electronic age makes us lazy.

But check out this quote that Goodwin gives us at the start of chapter 3:

“Scarcely have you descended on the soil of America,” wrote Alexis de Tocqueville in the year Lincoln was serving his first term in the state legislature, “when you find yourself in the midst of a sort of tumult; a confused clamor is raised on all sides; a thousand voices come to your ear at the same time, each of them expressing some social needs. Around you everything moves; here, the people of one neighborhood have gathered to learn if a church ought to be built; there, they are working on the choice of a representative; farther on, the deputies of a district are going to town in all haste in order to decide about some local improvements; in another place, the farmers of a village abandon their furrows to go discuss the plan of a road or school.”

“Citizens assemble with the sole goal of declaring that they disapprove of the course of government….To meddle in the government of society and to speak about it is the greatest business and, so to speak, the only pleasure that an American knows….An American does not know how to converse, but he discusses; he does not discourse, but he holds forth. He always speaks to you as to an assembly.”

Sounds just about right today as well. We talk, we “hold forth” but not so much for dialogue but to state our opinions. What do you think?

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January 23, 2008 · 5:06 am

Integrative Psychotherapy II


Chapter one of McMinn’s and Campbell’s Integrative Psychotherapy begins with Christian foundations. Interestingly, chapter 2 (next week) is entitled Scientific Foundations. We may not want to make those distinctions. This chapter lays out their theological anthropology. They begin by asserting that a responsible Christian psychology is founded on the “bedrock” of a Christian worldview. “Christianity–informed by Scripture and responsible theological appraisal–is trump” (p. 25). This is a significant change from older integrative models that often describe their task as weighted equally on the pillars of psychology and theology.

The remaining portions of the chapter discuss what it means to be made in God’s image. They employ 3 ways of looking at imago dei: functional, structural, and relational. Functional: God’s image is revealed in human behavior (especially in our managing and stewarding behaviors). Structural: God’s image is revealed in our moral and rational capacities. Relational: God’s image is revealed in relationality and communicative activities. Psychology also addresses these areas (adaptive behavior, cognitive behavior, effective relationships).  These form the 3 domains of Integrative Psychotherapy.

Then they tackle the Fall. They acknowledge that many psychotherapists live in denial about sin. Taking sin seriously, they say, doesn’t have to mean forgoing empathy. Instead the view it through the lens of Augustine. Sin, they assert is both a state of being (therefore “free will and personal resolve are not enough” to change behavior) and an act. We sin and are sinned against. Why does this matter to counselors? Because we have a tendency to deny and distort due to the effects of the Fall. Sin mars and colors everything one and everything. A robust doctrine of sin enables counselors to recognize the brokenness in the world.

The authors conclude the chapter looking at the theme of redemption. “A doctrine of sin, viewed in the context of a God who loves humanity, is the Christian’s great hope because it opens the possibility of redemption–God buying us back from the bondage of sin through the atoning work of Jesus Christ, restoring a right relationship with those who were lost in their sin” (p. 44). Long sentence, but sums of their view of redemption.  This matters to the Christian counselor because it means there is hope for change, hope for healing, hope for redeeming broken things. This hope is not a general hope of change but founded, for them, in the revelation and incarnation of Christ. “And so a Christian approach to psychotherapy calls us to consider more than general revelation….In short, [it] involves an awareness of sanctification as we all seek to be transformed by the divine life revealed in and mediated to us by Christ” (p. 49).

My thoughts? McMinn and Campbell make a significant break with prior integrative models by acknowledging that the Christian worldview does provide a trump to all other competing reality claims. This does not need to set up an unnecessary sacred/secular divide but does remind us that the biblical data isn’t a sidebar to Christian care, but front and center. I’m glad to see them emphasize this without reservation. Too often folks talk about psychological truth as what is found in general revelation. This is problematic for two reasons. First it denies the rich psychological data in the bible. Second, general revelation has been misused to mean neutral data outside of Scripture. But, general revelation really is natural that points to the existence of the triune God.  

Its clear this text isn’t trying to be an advanced text in biblical anthropology. But what it summarizes is in keeping with classical theology. We’ll have to see how this works out in their model and practice. They write for the professional counseling student. To keep them interested they have little sidebar vignettes and practical tips. Some may like that but I find it a bit annoying because it breaks the flow of their argument. But, I suppose it does tell the student that what they talk about is not all pie in the sky.

Next week, I’ll summarize their scientific foundations in chapter 2.

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January 16, 2008 · 5:35 pm

Integrative Psychotherapy: A Review 1


Consider this your forwarning that I am about to start weekly chapter reviews of Mark McMinn and Clark Campbell’s book Integrative Psychotherapy: Toward a Comprehensive Approach(IVP, 2007). I believe this book is important because it marks an important step forward in developing a substantial theoretical model for integrationist psychotherapy. Most of what has gone on in the last several decades has been primarily theoretical and not practice oriented. Both men are professors at George Fox University in Oregon. I know Mark personally as he taught several of my classes at Wheaton and helped me publish my first book chapters in a book he edited. Mark is a gentleman, prolific writer, and pretty good basketball player (he has/had one of the quickest releases around, making it hard to block his shot).

I’m not likely to fully agree with this book, but I expect that it will provoke some thoughts among my student readers.

Introduction: What is a Christian psychotherapy? Good question. the authors say that Christian psychotherapy must be based on “a model of psychotherapy that is faithful to both Christianity and psychology.” (p. 15).

They acknowledge some problems with prior attempts. They define integration in 2 dimensions: (a) integrating a Christian view of persons with psychological literature, and (b) integrating various approaches to therapy (they do not believe in any one pure approach to therapy).

They are not trying to propose the ONE christian model for psychotherapy.

What is to come? the first 4 chapters establish their theoretical framework. For example, they use the concept of the imago dei and its functional, structural, and relational aspects to build their model of persons and therapy). The next 7 chapters consider the practice of their model referred to as IP.

Well, strap on your seatbelts and come along for the ride each Wednesday. 

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November 6, 2007 · 1:17 pm

Running Scared: the book


As a final comment on this past weekend’s CCEF conference, I want to briefly mention Ed Welch’s new book, Running Scared: Fear, worry, and the God of Rest (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2007). All conference attendees got a free copy. Here are a couple of my observations about the book:

1. It is 30 chapters. You don’t have to read them in a linear fashion although they do build on each other. They have a meditative/reflective nature to them.
2. The book is really about worry. If you struggle with panic attacks, you won’t find helpful solutions. In fact, he does a brief put down of the cognitive-behavioral techniques. On the one hand, he is right that these don’t ultimately give us peace, on the other hand–sometimes they help us get through a moment.
3. He does a nice job surveying the kinds of worries that overtake us and the common responses (control, perfectionism, anger, stress, depression, overprotection, etc.)
4. What does your fear say? Ed considers a few of the common messages (e.g., I am in danger, I am vulnerable, I need and might not get…). He also points to the overemphasis of the future in all worry. Worriers, he says, live in the future (and see it in minute gory detail). Seldom does our worry come true as we thought and so much of our worry is that of false prophets–proclaiming something as nearly already happened that only is a possibility.
5. The book is pastoral. I hear Ed’s voice in this as soft and knowing. I think this book reads like his voice more than any other of his works. He reminds us that Jesus speaks tenderly when he calls us to not fear. He talks to us like a shepherd would talk to a little lamb.
6. Yes, God tests our faith and yet he is also very generous. In order for us to be rescued from danger, there has to be danger. He is near. He hears. He tests us. He gives us grace for today. He delivers (ch. 9).
7. The rest of the book details how we deal with fears about money, what people think of us, about death, pain, and punishment, and ends with a focus on “peace be with you.”

All in all, a good read for those wanting to meditate on something other than their own fears. This is especially a good read on those feeling guilty and judged because of their fear and lack of faith. You get a picture of a very generous God who knows your fear and is near. If you are looking for very practical steps (what do I do this afternoon about…) you probably won’t get ready answers, though I think you could do the work to apply some of the principles to your daily life.

Good book Ed.

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October 15, 2007 · 2:21 pm

Emotionally destructive relationships 4


The final part of Leslie Vernick’s, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship is entitled “Surviving It.” In this section she explores how we heal and take care of ourselves. Chapter 10 describes the necessity of spiritual healing that must happen before relational healing will take place. She makes the point that we will must explore whether we believe that God loves us and learn to abide in Him. She ends the chapter by saying,

Healing doesn’t simply involve feeling better about who we are or who God is. True healing happens as we learn to live holy lives by growing into the identities God has already given us, which is what will make us whole.

Chapter 11 describes the necessity of letting go as a key element of gain and growth. Letting go of fears, distorted expectations, entitlements, negative mood, lies about self, etc. This is a tall order but she does give some guidance on how to let go of negative moods by asking of your feeling, “why are you here?” Leslie is right here. Many things that trap us have to do with what we hang on to. This chapter gives a broad overview. The challenge is to put it into practice. I suspect you need a good friend or therapist to put it into practice.

If chapter 11 is about putting off, chapter 12 covers what we are to put on as positive nourishment. Gather a support system, develop a sense of your strengths, and learn how to deal with conflict and a destructive person. The broad brushstrokes are here. Again, I wish she had the space for a bit more details and examples.

Finally, Leslie includes a listing of helpful books, websites and other resources. She has a chapter defining the various types of abuse. And she concludes the book with a chapter for those walking with someone who is in a destructive relationship.

All in all, a great book exploring the struggles and healthy responses to one’s destructive relationship. As is usual with her writing, Leslie urges the reader to examine the heart, deceptions, to meditate on God’s goodness, and to live out of the power of the cross.  

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October 2, 2007 · 9:22 am

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship 3


Part 2 of Leslie Vernick’s, The Emotionally Destructive Relationshipis entitled, “Stopping It.” This section looks at first steps to stopping the destruction. Probably the biggest step is believing that there are choices and options. Most people in this situation feel that they have no options other than accept or die. Since none of the options will likely immediately place us in a fabulous situation, we feel that we have no choice but to accept what is happening to us.  So, what can a trapped person do? Chapter 6 explores the ways to reclaim the truth and to name it for self and other. Usually destructive relationships contain all sorts of garbage half-truths, denials, etc. By bringing what has been hidden into the light, one can begin to weed truth from falsehood. In this chapter Leslie does a nice job with an excursis on headship and submission. She discusses how to respect authority but not the behavior as well as underlines the problem of those in authority who refuse to place themselves under any authority when faced with their own sin.

Chapter 7 covers the issue of choice and reminds the reader that they still exist. She addresses matters where people feel they must agree with others even when they feel it not right to do so.  Choices a person has? To not assume responsibility for others; to work on and be willing to define one’s own problem and take responsibility for one’s own unhealthy patterns (e.g., allowing others to walk over you); to offer another view (in love) to counter a distorted view of the situation.

Chapter 8 gives guidance on how to speak up. Many people get caught between saying nothing or blowing up and being abusive in their attempt to uncover abuse. Leslie talks about how and when to speak up (use planning–many do this impulsively, seek a mutually good time, watch body language and tone, listen to the other’s perspective). Leslie gives several examples which show how to confront on a topic and yet be open, kind, and respectful of the other. Again, too often, we wait and wait and then blow. Of course, it can also help when the confronting person admits their own failings first. This requires that we do our homework first.  Finally, in chapter 9, Leslie discusses how to be a “champion of peace” even while standing up and speaking out about someone’s wrong. First she reminds the reader why we stand up against those things that hurt us. She reminds us that standing up is standing up, “for something bigger than just our own feelings. We are standing up for goodness, truth, righteousness, and peace.” (p. 162) Then she discusses the need to “step back”–to create space to heal, to invite healing and reintroduction to a new relationship to the abusive person, to provide “the gift of consequences”, and to wait in love. She then ends this section about testing and evaluating repentance in the other.

Leslie does a nice job teaching how to practically stop a destructive pattern, own up to one’s own part in that, live in the light of truth and test the fruit of repentance, all in love. Too often, folks who finally get up the nerve to set limits refuse to even allow the abusive person to repent. Now, I understand that some abuse and some abusers have done too much to allow the relationship to continue. However, passivity tends to breed reactivity. Sooner action may encourage the healing and restoration.  

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September 27, 2007 · 9:25 am

Emotionally Destructive Relationships 2


Previously, I introduced Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it, Stopping it, Surviving it (2007 Harvest House). Here’s some more tidbits from the rest of Part one (Seeing it):

1. Chapter two covers the typical emotional, physical, mental, relational, generational, and spiritual effects of destructive relationships. Of note, Leslie says, “Perhaps one of the most serious long-term relational effects of interpersonal sin is how it shapes our view of ourselves and others.” (p. 55). This is a good point. Those who grow up in one of these kinds of relationships are like a starving person in the corner of a banquet hall where only one person is allowed to eat, where all the food is only for one person. That starving person may then grow up and either become a demanding person who starves those in their own banquet hall (under the guise of, “I will never be treated that way again”) or remain highly dependant on others and open to continually being used.

2. Chapter 3 helps the reader to avoid seeing self only as wounded or victim but as one who, due to the fall, responds sinfully to a sinful world. Leslie does not let the reader use excuses (e.g., I was abused so I can’t help that I’m harsh with others) when confronted with one’s own destructive tendencies. She paints a picture of what a Godly response looks like when we come face to face with our own sinfulness: face our brokenness and ask for forgiveness; Take responsibility for your part of the problem; Make an effort to change. In contrast, the immature response to our brokenness: refusal to listen, defensiveness; Blindness and denial; Unwillingness to change (saying I know, I’m sorry doesn’t equal change).

This is where many couples flounder. They feel that if they agree with their spouse’s criticisms and acknowledge their own destructive patterns, the other will get off without having to admit theirs. And so we hear, “yes, I know that I shouldn’t…but you…”.

3. Chapters 4-5 explore destructive themes of the heart: pride, anger, envy, selfishness, laziness, evil, and fear. A key point is that many of the things we want and desire in relationships are not bad. The problem is that these things turn into demands. Who doesn’t want to be understood? But it is possible to make that a demand and an excuse for our own destructive patterns. We like to suggest that other people’s sins cause us to respond in kind. In fact the environment is only the trigger that exposes our heart’s demands. Finally, Leslie points out that fear may not look at controlling and destructive to relationships, “Relationally, fearful people  don’t want to be gods, like the proud person does, but they allow their lives to be ruled by others instead of God.” And fear leads to the temptation to try to protect oneself from relational pain by demanding of others, “I need!”

What I like about Leslie’s writing (this and in other books as well) is that she avoids the black/white view of victims and victimizers. It is hard to read her books and not be convicted, even if you are suffering much at the hands of others.

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