In my last post I talked about the emotional/relational dance that all couples do. Someone usually is the pursuer (who may tend to be critical as well), the other withdraws and disengages. This dance isn’t always pathological but might lead either to chronic attack or cold war.
But assume for a minute that the couple wants to develop a healthier dance. What could they do? What might be one thing that would really advance the relationship into a more positive way? Each spouse could endeavor to pay more attention to the internal experience of the other than to the “facts.” When we get focused on the “facts” (Who’s more right? Me of course!), we deny or ignore the internal experience of the other. When we focus on the other’s inner experience, we allow ourselves to step into their shoes, increase our compassion (hopefully), and see ways to care for the experience (the person) even if we disagree with their assessment of the situation.
Example: Wife confronts husband on a joke he made about her at a party with accusations that he always puts her down in public. She feels very hurt by it but did not show it at the time. He wants to defend himself. He didn’t mean it that way, she’s too sensitive, it was something she laughed about with him some previous time (without an audience). She feels invalidated and either attacks some more or withdraws. What could they do differently. She confronts without accusation and “always.” He listens and hears the underlying concern, “I want to be cherished by you and that joke made me feel objectified and stupid.” He connects with her inner experience and validates that he wants her to feel cherished and that he did not intend to have her feel the way he did. Later he talks to her about how they might handle jokes in public.
Sounds easy. Why don’t we do this more often? Here’s some possibilities: I think that by validating their experience I am invalidating my own. I think that I will agree that they are all right and I am all wrong (so I lose my right to raise my concerns). Feelings are dangerous, facts are the only world I can live in. I’m not a man if I cave to feelings.
Musings on Faith and Psychology 
It sounds trite, but most communication skills can be learned through practice. Start with a low-stakes disagreement, and you’ll have an easier time with it when the fight is about something that really matters.
Paul, Excellent point. Don’t start with the biggest fight you have and try and do this. But step back on a smaller one and observe your spouse’s primary concerns without adding the personalizations.