Painful words in the church: What are we to do with our stories of pain and mistreatment by other Christians?

Its no revelation that Christians hurt each other in some very serious ways. While I believe that more people have been loved by Christians than hurt, the painful reality is that we can do so much damage. Hence we have books such as Dwight Carlson’s, Why do Christians shoot their wounded. Here’s what often happens. We tell the stories to others. There is something good and something bad about our telling of our stories. But before I discuss the good and the bad, let me tell two quick stories (which I will later critique).

Story 1: Setting: 1994 and 15 minutes into my long awaited first doctoral class at Wheaton College. The prof was talking about the necessity of learning from our harshest critics. He turns and surveys the class and outs me as someone who had been educated at Westminster Seminary and followers of Jay Adams (a harsh critic of psychology). The prof wasn’t being mean but his action did label me and impact my entire first year. I was immediately seen as someone who was trained as a bible thumper. I spent the next year hearing story after story of hurt done by Jay Adams or by someone representing (and misrepresenting) his view of counseling. Individuals felt comfortable (I take that as a compliment) coming and laying at my feet all the sins ever done by biblical counselors. It seemed that I was supposed to defend or apologize for them. I heard many very painful experiences. I also heard stories that were not personal to the one doing the telling but exaggerated vignettes passed on from some other person’s life (but that made the point of the person in front of me wanted to make–that all biblical counselors are dorks).

Story 2: Currently, Biblical Seminary is attempting to shape itself and its mission around training leaders for the 21st century. That means we are interested in wading into (and participating in) the missional, emerging/missional church conversation/movement. We regularly hear stories from those who love our mission about the pains they have suffered at the hands of bombastic, arrogant, self-righteous, doctrinaire, women-hating fundamentalist/evangelical leaders of the church. On the flip side, we also hear stories from those who are skeptical of our mission. They tell us about character assassinations from adolescent, theologically-ignorant, relativistic, latte-drinking, emergent types. Biblical stands somewhat in the middle taking shots from both sides. Just yesterday, I received a book from a concerned individual wanting to challenge Biblical to flee its attempt to be “relevant” to the postmodern world.

What do telling our stories of being hurt, wronged, misunderstood, misrepresented, oppressed, rejected, etc. do for us? What does it do to our listeners? These are important questions. Here are some bullet responses by me:
1. Telling the truth to another and being heard and understood on top of that provides healing. When the body of Christ attends to the wounds of its members, there are wonderful opportunities for healing, forgiveness, repentance, justice, reconciliation.
2. But why am I telling THIS person. Am I looking for a healing response or for someone to validate my bitterness, to encourage my sinful anger and my unwillingness to confront the wounder? Is it gossip? What do I want/desire/expect from this person who has just heard my story?
3. Do I tell the story in a way that colors all those who might think similarly to the person who has wounded me. Example, not all biblical counselors are bible thumpers. Not all of those who value postmodern challenges to modernity are on a slippery slope to relativism. Not all of those who believe that women should not be in pastoral ministry are wife beaters. But do we tell stories that castigate all?
4. How do I respond to these stories from others? Do I undermine by minimizing the pain? Do I counter it with my own story that shows that my own wounds are worse? Do I say nothing? Do I see overgeneralizations and ignore the parts that are true about me or at least gives the impression of truth? Can I own what I need to own without being overly concerned about being misunderstood myself? Or do I get defensive?

Stories of being victimized help others to understand our experiences and to enter our world. But stories also can function like agent orange and burn everything in sight. So let me critique my two stories. #1. I felt hurt by being outed that way. I felt wrongly associated with something that was only known through stereotypes. And yet, I knew that many had been hurt by biblical counselors–their counsel and their writing. The Lord gave me the gift of hearing many of these stories. Some were told out of the wrong motive, but each time God gave me opportunities to converse and connect to another person. Sometimes they left with a better understanding of biblical counseling and sometimes they didn’t want a better understanding. But hopefully all left feeling heard. Out of those conversations I got my first article published and had the opportunity to meet a number of leaders in the Christian counseling movement. Further, these stories have helped me consider how my own counseling program has encouraged, even if only implicitly, graduates using verses as a weapon.
As far as #2, it seems that it is easy to tell stories to make the teller look more righteous and the “offender” look more ignorant. Biblical is on the cutting edge, our detractors have their heads in the sand and want to return to the days of 1950s. Or, Biblical is on the slippery slope to relativism while we stand firm on the bible. Unfortunately, both story lines leave little room for dialogue, mutual understanding and appropriate sharpening. And because the the heart of Christianity is at stake in both stories, we use a small truth (e.g., some bad theology by an author, guilt by association, etc.) to give ourselves permission to trash the other in the name of Christ.

In my next entry on 11/28, I’m going to consider the difference between slander and prophecy, between a necessary provocateur to get us to wake up to an important topic and a reckless speaker looking to rile up for the sake of attention.