Category Archives: book reviews

September 18, 2007 · 5:28 am

Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Relationship


On my recent trip I began Leslie’s new book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing it, Stopping it, Surviving it (2007, Harvest House. Leslie is a LCSW here in PA. I first met her when I was a seminary student and she was a staff counselor/supervisor at CCEF, a local counseling center. Leslie has now authored several books, each of which shows her biblical understanding of people coupled with wonderful interpersonal skill and insights as a clinician. I often tell others that she’s a counselor I’d send any of my family members to see (including myself).

So, I’m looking forward to reviewing this new book. Let me highlight some tidbits from the first chapter:

1. In chapter 1 she defines the emotionally destructive relationship. While abuse is always destructive, destruction in relationship can be much more subtle and not always malicious as we often imagine abuse to be. Further, single episodes may be abusive but not destructive. Hence this definition: Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person’s growth (p. 26).
2. Difficult relationships are not the same as destructive.
3. 5 patterns that are always destructive: abuse of any kind, overbearing/overprotectiveness, overdependency and demanding to be the center of attention, deception of the other, and chronic indifference, neglect, or disdain.
4. Lots of couples are in emotionally destructive patterns and it is easy to blame the other for one’s own behavior. She gives a great illustration of a couple (p. 29f). Neither feels loved. She attacks and demeans; he withdraws then explodes. Each wants the other to change first and justifies his/her own behavior as a “normal” response to being sinned against. Both need to take responsibility to name their own sinful reactions to the world.
5. She ends with a 30 question test to help those discern if they are in an emotionally destructive relationship.

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September 6, 2007 · 8:51 am

Last Hurrah for summer reading: Juan Williams’ “Enough”


Summer is officially over with yesterday’s faculty meeting. Monday is the start of the the new semester. Starting mid September, look for my multi-post reviews of Leslie Vernick’s freshly minted, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It (Harvest House) and Mark McMinn’s Integrative Psychotherapy: Towards a Comprehensive Christian Approach.

But right now, thanks to Ed Gilbreath’s Blues blog (see blogroll), I’m half-way through Juan Williams’ Enough: The Phony Leaders, Dead-End Movements, and Culture of Failure That Are Undermining Black America–and What We Can Do About It (2006, Three Rivers Press). With a title like that you know it has to be a rant. But boy does he take contemporary leaders (e.g., Sharpton and Jackson), rappers, and some city politicians to the woodshed. He minces no words when he chastizes those talking about reparations or excusing corruption (pay to play) in politics or the church. And he backs up his criticisms with facts. Apparently this book was born out of his exasparation over the way the content of Bill Cosby’s scathing criticisms (in 2004) of black culture and victimhood were ignored by black leadership. His point seems to be to call black folk to stop playing the victim/racism card and start acknowledging and fixing internal problems such as violence against women, single parenting, disdain for education and learning the language. If you have read John McWhorter, you will see similar themes in this book.

So, how should white folk read this book? Try to avoid, “its about time someone put Dyson or Sharpton or Jackson in his place” or “Finally, someone is bringing up the 3rd rail in black politics–the racism card.” Why? Because it is like the observers of a fight where a bully has repeatedly beaten up a little kid saying, “Oh, stop you whining and crying. The bully’s gone. Get over it already.” No, we should still continue to evaluate how we folk benefit from generations of opportunity and seek to serve any “least of these” we come across. Let’s not throw stones but clean our own houses first.

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Filed under Black and White, book reviews, Race, Racial Reconciliation

August 20, 2007 · 9:56 am

Summer reading revisited


So, feeling pretty good about my summer reading (less so about my summer writing…). Here’s what I intended to read June through August:

1. Christian Counseling: An introduction(Maloney and Augsburger): Done
2. The Perfect Storm (Junger):  Done.
3. Inside Hamas (Chehab): Done.
4. Infidel (Ali). Done. (I cheated and read this in May).
5. New England White (Carter). Didn’t read as my number on the library waitlist has yet to come up. Instead, I read his prior The Emperor of Ocean Park which I really liked. It is a depressing mystery.
6. The children of Hurin (Tolkien). Done. Didn’t like.
7. Johnny Tremain (reading to the kids). Gave up. The kids really didn’t get into it. Vocabulary was a bit tough for them.
8. The family sabbatical handbook (Bernick). Done.

Also read Restoring the Fallen: A team approach to caring confronting & reconciling (Wilson’s et al). Done.

All in all it was a summer of fun reading. Now its time to buckle down and do some backlogged professional reading.

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July 20, 2007 · 8:55 am

Summer reading, II


Just got Children of Hurin from the library and have 6 days to read it. Not that it will take me that long. So far, it doesn’t move me like LOTR or the Hobbit, but didn’t really expect it to either. Some nice color drawings throughout.

My wife is waiting anxiously for the last Potter book. Haven’t read a one of them and don’t plan to start. Just never got into it.

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Filed under book reviews, The Lord of the Rings

July 18, 2007 · 3:30 pm

What’s on your summer reading list?


Now that my semester is over I’m looking to knock off some books off my fun reading list (which always grows faster than I can read). Do you have a list and what are the books you would like to read (or, are likely to read) before the summer is over? Trying to decide what to take on vacation in August. Usually I know right away. But right now, I’m conflicted. What if my first choice (#5) doesn’t come in?

Here’s my fun list:

1. Christian Counseling: An introduction(Maloney and Augsburger). Done
2. The Perfect Storm(Junger). Old, I know but fascinating. Done.
3. Inside Hamas: The untold story of the militant islamic movement(Chehab). BTW, very intersting as it shows how Israel encouraged the formation of Hamas in the mid 80s (when I was there as a student) thinking that Hamas would keep the PLO in check. Just goes to show that when you introduce snakes to deal with the rabbits, the snakes have ways of raising havoc you never imagined.
4. Infidel (Ali). Done
5. New England White (Carter). On waitlist at the library
6. The children of Hurin (Tolkien). Same as #5
7. Johnny Tremain (reading to the kids). In progress.
8. The family sabbatical handbook (Bernick). In progress. This is my fantasy–live abroad for a year. It brings back the several trips I made as a young adult.

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July 10, 2007 · 5:05 am

The centrality of Christ in Counseling


Chapter nine of Maloney’s and Augsburger’s Christian Counseling: An introduction ends their section on foundations. The chapter is entitled: Christ in Christian Counseling. They state their primary concern in this chapter this way.

We are convinced that Christ is essential for Christian counseling….[so] how does this assertion of the centrality of Christ specifically relate to counseling that goes by his name? (92-3) Continue reading →

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Filed under book reviews, christian counseling, christian psychology

July 5, 2007 · 10:39 am

Christian Counselor as Ethicist


In chapter 8 of Christian Counseling: An Introduction, Maloney and Augsbuger take on the issues of ethics. But they are not focusing on professional ethics codes of conduct. Morality and ethics play a part in every counseling session. They remind the reader that “value-free” therapy is not possible
and authenticity without pursuit of ideals is unwise. They see the focus on “effectiveness” as
shortsighted when it ignores values and ends.

The Christian counselor however should not attempt to obligate the counselee to particular set of morals. Instead of being prescriptive (focusing on the “oughts” or boundaries of acceptable behavior), the counselor ought to be illuminative (pointing out the reality of desires, choices, etc.). To make their point about the value of illumination, they re-tell the story of Carl Rogers’ response to a woman’s request to help her stop feeling guilty for wanting to have sex outside of marriage. The woman admits her conscience accuses her. Rogers says, “You want to go against your conscience and still feel good about it? That sounds like a pretty tall order to me.”  

Continue reading →

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June 28, 2007 · 6:07 pm

Christian Counseling: Collaboration and Referral


After a brief hiatus I return to reviewing Malony and Augsburger’s book, Christian Counseling: An Introduction. Chapter 7 begins with the assertion that the lone ranger Christian counselor is problematic. “First, totally private practice is not a responsible, trustworthy way to offer counseling…[and] second, the counselor’s theology is inadequate.” (69). Rather Christian counseling ought to be practiced in community (with pastors, supervisors, psychiatry, laity, etc. involved). The authors then go into the many reasons one needs to refer. However, they do not merely mean refer to other mental health providers. No, they also want to see counselor referring to spiritual directors, pastors, and other wise Christians when appropriate.

But can’t a counselor also provide spiritual care? Continue reading →

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June 15, 2007 · 5:37 am

Christian counseling will cause you to forgive others?


“Counseling…fosters the practice of forgiving; it facilitates the search for being forgiven.” So says Malony and Augsburger at the start of chapter six of Christian Counseling. But lest we confuse forgiveness with absolution, the authors remind us that while sometimes forgiveness is given immediately after an apology, we may need to ask, “What about the bike?” (from a story from South Africa where a person stole a bike and later asked for forgiveness but refused to address the missing bike or acknowlege the owner’s loss).

“The counselor who views situations of alienation or injury through a Christian frame has a biase toward healing, toward release of anger and return to open relationship.” (52). The authors are quick, however, to avoid the problem of superficial, premature, or forced reconciliation. Further, some problems cannot be bridged in this world. Both judgment and and grace are necessary factors for proper forgiveness and, “Neither can be sacrificed for easy flight into the other.” Yet, “forgiveness upholds the conviction that grace has, does, and will triumph over judgment…” Continue reading →

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Filed under book reviews, christian counseling, Forgiveness, Uncategorized

June 14, 2007 · 9:16 am

Multicultural vs. multiculturalism


I’m continuing to read Infidel, Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s story of her life and transition from Muslim girl to atheist woman. Very compelling. After becoming a citizen of Holland and entering the political scene, she began to battle injustices and lack of freedom within the Islamic communities in Europe. She describes the reaction from native Dutch who found her abject criticisms of Islam to be offensive. When she spoke out against the government support of Koranic based schools because they limited critical thinking and continued oppressive views of women, the liberal Dutch thought she was giving unnecessary fodder to the hard right or anti-immigrant politicians. Here’s what she said about switching political parties: Continue reading →

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Filed under Abuse, book reviews, Cultural Anthropology, Great Quotes, News and politics