The news here is still all about the tragic killing of the Amish girls by a 32 year old husband, father, and church goer. News media report that he had a 20 year old secret of molesting family members that he could no longer handle. Don’t know if it is true, but it wouldn’t be surprising if it was. A secret sin/trauma eats away at us like cancer. We live a private hell while pretending to others that nothing is the matter. Some can maintain the front for a long time, but the cancer will will win every time if it is not treated.
An interesting thing tends to happen. In an effort to avoid exposing our secret, we wall it off from others (and sometimes from self). But we actually make it grow in meaning and power. It becomes unforgiveable (even if our outward theology would deny this fact), something for which we can never receive comfort and peace. Over time, it grows into other areas of our lives and makes every thing we do relate to the secret. Its no surprise that our logic and bodies break down over time.
Don Miller in Blue Like Jazz writes of a friend who had 2 secret affairs. He probably didn’t want to confess his sin to his wife on the basis that it would hurt her (or maybe because he would lose her). But really, he didn’t want to accept grace. Miller described the terrible effects of the secret on the man,
He said he would lie down next to his wife at night feeling walls of concrete between their hearts. He had secrets. She tries to love him, but he knows he doesn’t deserve it. He cannot accept her affection because she is loving a man who doesn’t exits. He plays a role. He says he is an actor in his own home. (p. 22)
Miller goes on to say later (p. 86),
I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God’s love, I cannot love him in return, and I cannot obey him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God’s love will. The ability to accept God’s unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey him in return. Accepting God’s kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers…this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God.
Sounds about right.
Musings on Faith and Psychology 
What I feel most sadly about this tragedy is that the family members, neighbors and community somehow missed the opportunity to get to the heart of this seemingly quiet, nice and good father. Not trying to blame anyone here because this is just a typical case in most tragedies, but isn’t it true that many actors/actress are struggling with private pain/guilt/shame/anger and hurt in our communities everyday? We should make our conversations more intentional, I am learning, and look for “entry gate” into the soul that may not be able to feel safe enough to express itself.
Missed an opportunity? Possibly. After something bad happened to a friend of mine, I really questioned whether I should have known and done something different. There were signs and opportunities not taken. On the other hand, don’t underestimate the ability to keep secrets for long periods of time. I take your point though, we have to try to be more intentional and ask questions that would give folks an opportunity to honestly talk about their private lives. It will have to start with the leadership of our churches. If they can honestly talk about themselves, the laity will probably be more willing to do so too.
Start with Church leaders? Cannot agree more. Don Miller’s story about the adulterous husband who feels that he doesn’t deserve her love reminds me of Charles Robert’s suicide note to his wife before killing the innocent Amish girls – that I am unworthy of you. As a Christian community, we need to find ways to create an atmosphere where people can be authentic and yet still feel accepted , working toward sanctification together through our brokenness and imperfections. Voluntary vulnerability can only be achieved when a person feels safe in a relationship. How we need to know, experience and demonstrate the love of God and forgivness through Christ on the cross that can truly make us feel safe – and accepted.