Category Archives: Abuse

Last week, I listed 3 statements about sexual entanglements of Christian leaders with their followers that I think must be better understood (i.e., these entanglements ought to be seen as abuse, we have to avoid black/white thinking about such labels as abuser and victim, deception is what powers us and blinds us to the abuse issues). I want to tackle this last one first. In almost every leader “fall” I’ve been connected to, each leader saw it as mutual and not one sided. This is not surprising since even pedophiles tend to see their relationships as mutual or even brought on by the child. How is this possible? The long practice of self-deception. Continue reading →

Manipulate. Coerce. Abuse. Offend. Victimize. Sin. Which word would you like to use when you face your sinful behavior towards another whom you hold some form of power? Once in a course, a DMin student suggested we just call domestic violence (punching a hole in the wall next to the person you are in a rage about) sin rather than call it abuse. Somehow sin is more palatable.  

Misuse of power = abuse. Agree or disagree? I would agree. However, this means that more of us have to admit to being abusive (I suspect this is different from saying that someone is an abuser—a repeat offender). Using a martyr complex to manipulate someone to do something they don’t want to. Is that abuse? Threatening to do harm. Is that abuse? Using one’s position (spiritual, work, or other authority) to get something that you want. Is that abuse? 

I’ve been doing lots of thinking about sexual entanglements between Christian leaders, pastors, teachers and their followers, parishioners, and students. I’m going to make 3 categorical statements and then try to back them up in future posts:

1. Illicit sexual (sexualized) relationships between Christian leaders and their followers ought to be categorized as abuse/abusive and not affairs. This is important to understand the impact and effects of this kind of action even if not important to help abusive individuals grow in their understanding of their actions.
2. Nothing is categorically black and white but that is what we want for comfort sake. Abuse is other people like pedophiles. There are dangers it over and under utilizing the label of abuse. The church has definitely under-utilized it. But there are swing dangers
3. Deception, minimization, and a sense of personal weakness all work together to make abusive actions feel mutual and not abusive

I will also provide some reading material links to the issue of power. I think we must understand that concept in order to understand how power misused turns into abuse.

If you have time, read last Sunday’s Philadelphia Inquirer cover story on the police who use their badge to extort sex (http://www.philly.com/mld/philly/news/15263711.htm). Most interesting was the comments made by former State Trooper, Michael Evans. He talked about how he justified his behavior to himself:

“I would see women that were vulnerable where I could appear as a knight in shining armor,” he said. “I’m going to help this woman who’s being abused by her boyfriend, and then I’ll ask for sexual favors.”

What empowers a person to do what should normally be distasteful? Self-deception–having thoughts of oneself that one wants to have (rather than should have). I’m sure his “knight” fantasies didn’t include groping a pregnant woman in a hospital bed and masturbating, but thats the power of self-deception. It makes it possible for him to keep thinking good thoughts about himself while doing evil.

Isn’t this true for all of us. Here’s one form of my self-deceit. I like to think of myself as up to date in the world and on top of things. So, I surf the web for information to keep me up to date. But self-deception (I’m a knowledgable guy) allows me to forget that I’m surfing and stealing time from my family or from work…

We wonder how someone could do horrific things? By only entertaining thoughts of ourselves that we want to have. This is how we make acceptable things that should not be. It never happens overnight, but it happens when we practice naming things beautiful that are really ugly.

What’s the antidote? I came across this quote some time ago and it best describes what we must do to work with the Spirit to challenge our inmost thoughts of ourself:

It were an easy thing to be a Christian, if religion stood only in a few outward works and duties. But to take the soul to task, and to deal roundly with our own hearts, and to let conscience have its full work, and to bring the sould unto God, this is not so easy a matter, because the soul out of self-love is loath to enter into itself, lest it should have other thoughts of itself that it would have.

Richard Sibbes (Puritan Divine)