Have you ever had a negative reaction when listening to Joel Osteen, reading Guideposts, or hearing someone spout pop psychology that God loves you and wants you to be happy and that you are special? I confess I have that reaction all the time when I hear superficial platitudes self-esteem talk like this. I always think of the SNL character Stuart Smalley (I’m good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me).
But, I admit I’ve probably overcorrected in the effort to avoid self-serving, self-promoting, crossless thinking (it is a serious human disease!). John Armstrong of Act3 offers a great corrective to my suspicious mindset and lays out the beginnings of the biblical basis for appropriate affirmations and peace with the person God made us to be. I commend you to read him here: http://www.act3online.com/current_a3_weekly.asp
Musings on Faith and Psychology 
I’ve been thinking about this recently again. Every so often I skim parts of Michael Gurian’s book, The Wonder of Girls, especially his thoughts on self esteem. He talks about what we miss when we make “building self esteem” an important goal, especially in girls. It resonates with me, because, as he says, I find that self esteem is one of those things that can be fluid and go up and down (I have known counselors who saw that, in itself, as a problem that they felt compelled to fix in me.)
But the thing is, I also find, that as long as I am in relationships and am connected with people, that the self esteem ups and downs aren’t that big of a deal and don’t really usually even need to be addressed. Yes, I love words of affirmations from people who love me, but I probably would order that sentence, in importance as (1) people who love me and then (2) words of affirmation.
I blogged on this recently (I can’t figure out why my link never shows up when I submit a comment on wordpress, but the specific post was http://eclexia.wordpress.com/2008/04/04/but-he-loves-me/), I was prompted by something I read from a book written in the 1800s, which stirred my thinking in this area.
I know it’s not an either/or thing, but I stand by how I ended my post:
“What a delight! He [God] loves me!
I love being loved. I’ll take that over great self esteem any day.”
It’s not that what we call self esteem doesn’t matter at all, it’s more that I find it’s not something that is a focus or something that disturbs me, when I’m truly resting in being loved, by God and by the people I’m in relationship with, regardless of how positive or negative I’m seeing myself on a given day.
How can Micheal Gurian help give girls self esteem if he believes girls aren’t as good in math as boys,except once a month and girls can only learn by concrete thinking? His theories are dangerous and hiogwash.He has created an environment in which boys will believe girls are some alien or inferior to themselves.
I agree with you Jen,It’s impossible to give girls any confidence as long as parents believe Gurian’s books.Gurian has no scientific backing for his theories.Needless to say he’s agenda driven.I’m tired of being called a nazifem simply because I believe we all have our own abilities not by gender but by individuality.
I used to have a copy of Josh McDowell’s “His Image, My Image,” but it’s not on my shelf these days. My quoting here in inaccurate, but I recall Josh making a statement that problem with self-image is not whether it’s “good or bad” but whether it’s accurate. I liked those words. Accurate self-image is fully dependent upon our understanding and embracing all that God says is true of us. If our mental and emotional health is in any way dependent upon our esteem of ourselves (based on our image of ourselves), then we’re bowing before the wrong image. When I’m lost in the wonder of God and what He declares to be true of me, even my most wretched state is of no threat to me whatsoever, and I (like Paul) can glory in my most defeating weakness. Grasping Rick Warren’s opening words to his best seller “The Purpose Driven Life” is key to getting one’s esteem/valuation of self in line with reality: it’s not about you! I think in the pursuit of feeling happy about one’s self (isn’t that the real pursuit under the guise of psychobabble “healthy self-esteem”?), there is no tolerance for an accurate appreciation for sin and the need of atonement. It’s even harder to admit that if we do suffer from “low self esteem”, even that has utilitarian value and “secondary gain” in maintaining our illusion of sufficiency apart from God.
I just seem Joel Olsteen on the cover of his latest book, and my gag reflex kicks in.
I know I react that way to suck statements because I grew up in church hearing them ALL THE TIME. I remember the day I gave my heart to Jesus, everything would be wonderful! It was like living life in Disney World. Consequently, I spent most of my teenage years thinking I wasn’t “saved”. I truly thought God was cursing me for my disobedient behavior because life was hard (it’s still something I strugge with at 28). Then I read C.S. Lewis’ A GRIEF OBSERVED and I realized, “If life can suck for C.S. Lewis, then maybe it can suck for me, too, and maybe God is in the suckiness.”
Hearing the Christian catch phrases is painful to me actually. It reminds me of all the shame I felt as a teen, the shame other people are living in, and the our lack of grace and mercy in some churches. Naturally the good news gospel thrives in such situations.
Recently, I had the chance to interview author Erwin McManus, who has a degree in psychology, and he argued that good self-image is a useful tool in bringing people to God. If a person feels “unworthy” of the cross, he or she will not draw near. However, if a person can be connected, happy, and secure in relationships (especially early relationships with parents), he or she is more likely to accept the idea that God is benevolent, more easily accept the cross, and other facets of fatih. Bottom line, faith is easier with a healthy self-image. And faith really is hard enough.
I used to find fault with terms like “self-esteem” and “self-image” because they seemed to lack Godly value. For cultural reasons, I have adapted to using these terms with a godly perspective. So often we forget that we are intimately created in the image of God, meaning if God has an image then we also have an image–a self-image. But failing to see “self” sufficiently as God sees “self” is the problem, but on the other hand, can we ever see our selves as God sees us due to sin’s separation? Probably not on this planet.
All this to say, I think sometimes people do accurately appreciate their sins and its consequences, but their “low self-esteem” keeps then from knowing the freedom of atonement. It helps to tell people who they are in Christ, that they were created for a purpose and for a reason. Often communicating with girls who cut/self-injure, it’s imperative that they see themselves as worthwhile (ie, not focusing on condemnation) first, and then we get to the sin. If I just focus on sin, the girls will cut first.
The passage about the woman caught in adultery is one that I believe supports this theory. After the accusers leave, Jesus tells the woman that he doesn’t condemn her…and then after that to go and sin no more.
Anyway, that’s my exegesis.
Thank you for sharing John Armstrong’s article. There is a lot of truth in what he is saying.
To me, affirmations are a tool. They don’t work miracles and they don’t replace faith. They can be delusional, if the person using them chooses to use them that way.
In my own experience, so many people (Christians and others) get so negative. There is a lot of negative coming at us every day and we’d be naive to believe we are immune to its effects.
I believe affirmations are kind of thought vitamins or your own personal ad campaign to counter all the negatives that we absorb every day.
Other people – advertisers, politicians, even religious leaders – spend a lot of money to change our thoughts and behaviors. Why shouldn’t we take steps to make sure we are reinforcing the thoughts we want to think?
Great topic and article.
Kind regards,
Ray
Thank you for sharing this article. I suffered from a nervous breakdown almost 2 years ago. Really it was like the longest panic attack in history- lasting days followed by fear and depression for months. This breakdown resulted from finding out about my melanoma and then 7 months later I discovered my husband having an affair with someone at work.
Needless to say, no matter how strong I thought I was as a Christian, I finally went down into the pit of despair and didn’t think I would ever recover. I thought I was going insane.
I stumbled upon a book by Lucinda Bassett (From Panic To Power) and it saved my life! Now I thank GOD for that lady 🙂 (She suffered from panic for many, many years and has fully recovered)I have to admit I felt very guilty at first for thinking ‘positive’ thoughts. I thought it was bad theology. I actually had fear about it. But the more I practiced it- replacing negative thoughts (untrue thoughts) with positive and true thoughts (including truth from the Word) the better I got.
The Lord really used this time of despair to open my eyes to the fact that all that we think of theology and doctrine does NOT fit in some neat litle box. God is God.
My nerves are not 100% recovered yet. I still have some physical symptoms when I get stressed or when my adrenelin gets going- but I know why and what it is and that makes it ok. Just accepting it and being ok with it helps me to get better and better each month. I have not ever used meds except the first couple of days when the Dr.’s tried to get me to take Lexapro- I actually felt worse.
I am so grateful to be almost 100% recovered and still pressing on 🙂
God bless, Chanin