Why we don’t like to label leaders as abusers

Yesterday I wrote on the power of self-deception in the particular sin of leader sexual abuse/abuse of power in sexual entanglements. Today, I’m thinking about how part of our revulsion of the term “sexual abuse” or pastoral abuse between what looks like two consenting adults is because of (a) we like our categories of victim and offender neat and clean, and (b) we assume we would have/use the power to say no if it happened to us.

First A. I read a letter recently from a person who speaks out for abused women. She has called the church to protect the vulnerable from predators cloaked in bible talk. Then she became acquainted with one person convicted of a sex offense. Though the crime was not minimized, this woman was working through the way the label “sex offender” connotes predatory characteristics that weren’t true in this particular case. The categories were no longer neat and clean for her. I think this is true for so many of us. We want our offenders to be all evil, and our victims to be all pure and helpless. And when a close friend or important figure (pastor, husband, wife, child, teacher, etc.) uses their power to abuse another, it stretches our categories beyond what we can tolerate. This is why when we see family interviewed on TV regarding their loved one’s alleged criminal activity, they rarely accept the cold hard facts in front of them, “He’s not like that. He couldn’t have done the crime.” Yesterday, I saw a newspaper article about a local pastor convicted of long term sexual abuse of a youth in his church. Church members defended the pastor saying this behavior was just a blip on the screen. In fact, I suspect the pastor had done much good. But in trying to deal with two opposing sets of data (abuse and service to the church), it seems we sway one way or the other and have difficulty holding both facts. So, when pastors use their position to manipulate or encourage a sexual relationship (or even sexualized talk) with a parishioner, we are either tempted to see him as a monster (if we are outside his church) or as someone who got caught up in an unfortunate situation with another consenting adult (if we like him or are part of his church).

Now B: For those of us who make daily choices as to what we do with ourselves, it boggles our minds that someone would remain in a domestically abusive relationship. But it happens everyday. Some stay because they feel completely dependent upon the abuser. Others stay because they fear for their lives. Still others stay because they can see the good and continue to hope that the good will win out (and usually the abuser keeps promising change). Same goes for leader sexual entanglements. Though we think we would say no, many of us would feel torn between disappointing another and disappointing ourselves. Often we choose to take on personal guilt and allow the other to continue the boundary violation. Hindsight makes us feel more capable than we really are…